Day 31: Self Love

It’s not a secret I love blogs. Not just mine but I love reading other peoples blogs about their lives. In a way it gives me a sense of security in knowing I am not the only one who is lost, confused, broken, emotion, bitter, basically a whole array of emotions. Generally it is women who write blogs and some father who recently came out of the closet that wrote that blog post that has gone viral, I believe it was called 16 ways I blew my marriage (hint, you like men, that would probably be the first thing that blew your marriage), but any ways, it is generally women who write blogs. I feel like women write blogs because it’s a way to get all of our feelings out, it’s a way to sit down and vent about a shitty boyfriend, boss, husband, customer, basically any thing and I will say writing this blog has helped me a lot. What started off as a fun way to vent about my life has turned into some thing almost therapeutic (weird because I am still paying my therapist to see me twice a week). It doesn’t matter that know one really reads what I write or laughs as hard as I do, it’s more about the fact I can get it off my chest so I don’t run some one over, up side to that, my therapy would probably be free, down side, I’d probably spend my time out of therapy in a jail cell or a straight jacket.

The one thing I’ve noticed in most of my blog reading is there is a common theme between all women. Women generally lack of “self love”… and love wine! As women, we are programmed to judge and compare ourselves to every thing else. I am not talking about comparing our bodies to other women in magazines or really the way society wants us to be. I think as grown women we get that not every one is going to be a size 2 with DD boobs. I am talking about judging and comparing ourselves to … I guess… an idea of how we want to be. I know that personally it is my greatest cause of anxiety, I want all these things, I want to be all these things, I have zero desire to be Meagan Fox, but I have a desire to meet my own expectations of myself and some times…okay often…I don’t. I’ll give you a few examples

·         Career – I thought by now I would have a great career, where I had financial freedom, a feeling of self worth, that I was contributing to the world and had value

·         Love -  This is the biggest one for me. I never wanted to get married, I thought marriage was a waste of time. Until Kermit. If you were to rewind to 8 months ago, I would have told you without a shred of doubt, that there would be a ring on my finger today and I would be planning the wedding of my dreams (or recent dreams). We all know I am single now and we all know my opinion on available men.

·         My mental health – This is another good one. Oh life you are a tricky bitch.  You know when your life all of a sudden falls apart in all aspects? Well, apparently that’s a good time for your doctor to say to you “I think we need to hospitalize you for depression and anxiety ‘cause bitch you be crazy” and you are sitting there like “uuuhh dude, no. Not unless they have wine Wednesday there.”  Well, that’s what my doctor said to me. I convinced her not to send away and that I was just having a rough couple months. But it made realize that my mental state was not where I thought it was. That it wasn’t okay to feel the amount of anxiety that I do.

Those are the three top things I have not met my own set expectations. When I was 18, if some one would have said to me, at 23 you will be living in your parents basement, single, one class away from graduating college, working at an office job that you like, but are no where near close to figuring out a solid career, and have anxiety attacks on a weekly basis I would have probably made a sarcastic comment back and walked away. But that’s where I am at.

And you know what…I am not the only one. Most blogs are about letting themselves down in some way and the effort to come to terms with that. Look at mommy blogs, life blogs, this blog. These blogs all at some point, deal with the feeling of not meeting self expectations. I’d like to go on and write that I have some magical cure for us all. But I don’t. But I am going to try some thing. I am going to try to be okay with not meeting my self expectations. I am going to figure out how to reach my own expectations and a game plan on how to reach them. It might not do any thing or it might do some thing.  I don’t really know, I just know that there has to be some kind of happy medium where I am not constantly letting myself down.

Love your ex girlfriend who will meet her own expectations