My alternative life style choice

I have never confessed to being the healthiest person on the block but I play soccer twice a week and go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (generally) and I don’t eat Mcdonalds every day, once in a while sure, but generally I am an average level of healthy. But I also do a lot of unhealthy stuff to my body but what grinds my gears is how every one has an opinion on it.

I have a Red Bull addiction, I’ve gone from at least three a day (I know its horrible) to maybe one, but I would say I have about three a week, maybe more if you count the Red Bull they put into my shooters. I don’t drink coffee, I am allergic to some thing in coffee and I hate the taste. This is an actually allergic, not like my allergy to tomatoes, which only seems to happen when I have to yell at the Tim Horton’s worker who is making my sandwich because they don’t speak English, and there always seems to be a tomato on my sandwich if I don’t say I am allergic.

To me having a Red Bull a couple times a week isn’t nearly as bad as the three cups of coffee people generally have to get through their work day everyday. Every one drinks coffee though so no one says to them

 “ haven’t you followed the news that girl died from drinking that stuff”

Uh.  Yes I have thank you but…

a)    It was a Monster, I am clearly drinking Red Bull so shove it

b)    Did you personally know this girl? What if she had just shoved an 8 ball of cocaine up her nose? Or maybe she was having really kinky sex and had a heart attack mid thurst. You don’t know if it was only the Monster so back off buddy.

c)    I don’t say shit about the unhealthy things you do to your body so back off of mine

My other really bad habit is smoking. Feel free to leave my blog because I am a smoker or give me all the details of how smoking is bad for you la la la. It’s 2012 I know the side effects of smoking but at this point in my life if it wasn’t for my 5 minute smoke break at 10 and 2 I’d shove a fork in my jugular or in some one else’s, so I think it’s best at this point that I take my 5 minute smoke break, pop some gum in my mouth and save my jugular. See I tried to quite about a months ago, right around the time I started back up with indoor soccer and I was fairly certain I was going to roll over and die from running so much in a hot building. I cut out one smoke a day and was doing really good up until it came to the work smokes and those just could not go at this point in time.

I am also not pumping my body full of pills to stop smoking. My mom went on that stuff and she was bonkers. Like certified straight jacket bonkers on it, I believe she hurled a cheeseburger at my sister, and the irony in that is endless. She levelled out and stopped talking Champix and is back to a functioning level of crazy. She is my mother after all.

So here is my point, because I do have one. At the end of the day, we all do or put things into our body that isn’t good for. There will always be things that you shouldn’t do, like eating to much tuna in fear of mercury poisoning, you should buy organic (we all know my opinion on that organic bullshit) or  get cum in your eye in fear of going blind. See there are lots of things in life that aren’t going to be good for us and I don’t judge yours so don’t judge mine.  One day I will stop drinking Red Bull and I wont smoke any more but for the time being I am going to and probably will smoke until the dreaded day I decide to have babies and not because I want to stop smoking, I love smoking, but because people judge you on a whole new level for smoking while you are pregnant.

FYI your mother probably smoked while you were in the womb and you turned out ok, you are reading my blog after all, you can’t be that bad.

So far out in left field you, my dear, have left that stadium.

I wasn’t going to post this because I know I can be a bitch but for the most part I don’t go out of my way to make fun of people. Unless there life is so ridiculous that it calls for it.

We all have that mildly annoying Facebook person we keep on Facebook just so we can laugh at their ridiculous Facebook posts but I am convinced I have the worst one. I don’t mind my Facebook being bombarded with baby pictures, some times their cute or even life motivational quotes. What I can’t handle are people who are so out in left field they have left that stadium.

I have finds who have dated z list celebrities, been invited out on tour with them but never not once did they post it on Facebook, because it’s embarrassing.  We live in Shitville, Alerta. If you haven’t gotten out by 22 you probably won’t ever get out and for 95% of girls that means working some shitty job until you are knocked up by some oil filed guy and you have his child. Sad truth.  But posting on Facebook that you miss the celebrity life style does not make you famous. It makes you some one who for ten minutes was on the arm of some guy not even famous enough to make it on Perez Hilton and that is sad.

Also, it drives me crazy to think that you think you could be better then some one but if they are famous then they are worth your time. Are you kidding me? I had a friend who is in an extra in Night at the Museum is she worth your time? Gross. I don’t have a lot figured out in life but I have enough figured out to know that makes you a sad excuse for a human being.

I am not trying to say I am better because I am not. I am stuck in the same town (hell I moved back to this town) with the same shitty job as you are but I am not delusional enough to think I am the next Paris Hilton.

Here is my last part of my rant that I really truly hope isn’t just specific to my Facebook page. Every girl who is a size zero thinks she is going to be the next model walking the runway of a Victoria Secret fashion show and they all go on Model Mayhem and get in touch with some creepy 40 year old pervert who loves their look and would love to photograph them.  This to me is sad because their mothers didn’t teach them the same self realization mine did. I am not saying don’t shoot for your dream, giver, dreams are important, but my mother taught me that if you can’t sing you don’t spend your life trying to get a record deal. No you find some thing else and try for that.

My Halloween Rant! It's Expensive...

So it’s Halloween this week. Yes, Halloween is a week long, starting a week before October 31. I decided this because then, at least for a week, I don’t feel bad about eating chocolate. This isn’t a normal rant saying that it’s Halloween so I can dress like a skank if I want to or the opposite saying that you hate Halloween because girls dress like skanks.

Here is my rant. Dressing up for Halloween is fucking expensive. Especially for how little clothes I will be putting on and its stressful. I swear unless you are a size two and can just throw on a bra and some undies and maybe some wings and go as a Victoria Secret model Halloween is hard. I really wanted to go as a child from Toddlers and Tiaras becuase that show kicks ass and I think its hilarious but no one was digging my idea and I love group costumes so I went with the idea of burlesque dancers because it was as close to a child floozy as I was going to get this year and I thought it would be easy. Wrong. Very very wrong.

So I had to youtube how to make this stupid fucking costume and after 40 minutes of research I decided to just purchase a corset from some where but they are like 50 dollars at Le Skank and I am cheap and not forking that over for a corset because the boyfriend just gets confused by them and grunts like a cave man trying to figure out how to make a fire for the first time. So my search continued online. Most people LOVE online shopping personally I hate it. I am a firm believe of trying clothes on plus the clothes always look better on the silicone women. Dam you and your money to get fake tits. So I find one online and spend the next two weeks panicked because I am terrified it won’t get here in time.

I finally get this costume last Friday and the sent me the wrong one and it is snug and I can’t breath in it and I am very found of breathing and the skirt oh God, don’t get me started on the skirt of this outfit because it JUST covers my ass which means it isn’t cover my cellulite.

So now I have to come up with a solution to all of these problems, which cost money. Money that I could be spending on some thing else,  like my new master plan to move to Thailand or Mexico!

Regardless I need to fix it so I head to Michaels, which has the most over priced shit! It is just like the dollar store but way more expensive. The other problem with Michaels is I like shiny things and Michaels stocks their shelves with rows upon rows of shiny things. I buy these said shiny things when I clearly do not need them and again could be putting that money to my Thailand/Mexico fund. So I spend 30 dollars at Michaels on

·         Glitter beads

·         Glitter ribbon

·         Diamond sparkle ribbon

30 fucking dollars on glitter things, just shoot me now. I spent 30 dollar on shiny ribbon. You don’t even need to tell me how stupid that is because I no. Oh and I still don’t have a solution to my skirt problem.

I take my skirt to my mom who is convinced she has raised a whore of a daughter because I told her to make it bigger but not to much longer (it is Halloween) and she tells me that my 15 year old brother put it on and it doesn’t cover his ass and she isn’t letting me any where with my sneaper (my moms word for vagina) hanging out. So skirt problem some what solved, I will find out tonight. I may go over to her house to find that she has made me a ghost costume.

Now on to my accessories because I need to get stuff so people don’t look at the cellulite and they look at my boobs or pretty make up instead. So this is what I purchased.

·         Three different sets of fake eye lashes ( again they had glitter on them and I am like a fucking bird)

·         Thigh high stockings which looked terrible

·         Another set of thigh stockings which looked just as terrible

·         A huge bottle of glitter (I told you.)

·         Head bands

·         Feathers

I have now spent a total of 60 dollars on shit. And if this skirt doesn’t turn out right by tonight I am going to have to make a mad dash around to all the dollar stores collecting feather boas to make a skirt I saw on youtube.

It’s a lot of fucking work for one costume. Not to mention the 80 dollars for a ticket to a party, the 60 I will spend on hotels and the 40 dollars in booze and cabs.

Next year I dumping glitter over my body (I’ll put underwear on don’t worry) sitting my ass on the couch and getting my drunk on because that is way cheaper and will probably be as much fun. 

p.s I will keep you all updated on how the skirt turns out because I know you are all dying to know what happens

The boyfriend

Well, as previously stated I have a boyfriend. He is awesome, writes me loves notes, doesn’t fart on my face, plays a minimal amount of video games, he is sweet, loving guy and I know I am so lucky to have some one who doesn’t just put up with my mood swings but has learned to manage them.

But here is the thing about the boyfriend. He isn’t a good listener. In fact I am positive that most of the time he is to busy thinking of inventions (yes, inventions) to pay attention to what I am saying even if I am responding to a question he asked.

I had soccer the other night and my mom, sister and her husband and Jenna and her fiancé all came to watch. Let me start by saying I forgot how fast indoor soccer is and mixed with my smoking habit and ghetto booty it was not a good combination but I muscled through it and vowed to do more cardio at the gym (which I have followed through with). Seriously I went over to the bench and some girl asked me how I got hurt because I looked in so much pain, I responded in between gasp of air

“I am so out of shape I’m having a heart attack. I just want a cupcake”

So after the game I went to see my family and thank them for coming to the game even though not once did I hear  the “brr its cold in here” cheer from bring it on. When the boyfriend I were leaving the soccer center he said he was craving McDonalds’ and was starving then I’m sure his mind went off into the land of Big Macs because what I said next didn’t register. I told him that I didn’t want to eat McDonalds right now and to meet me at home and I’ll shower and we can decide from there. Mostly I was trying not to puke from running so much and food was the last thing on my mind but I knew after a shower I would be hungry.

So I go home in my car and he drives his truck. So I am sitting at home and by this point I’ve showered and put make up on making myself some what presentable and am feeling better and hungry. He walks in sits on the mother fucking couch and starts eating his McDonalds’.

Maybe I am just crazy but I just looked at him and thought seriously?! Then I got mad. All kinds of mad, not just because I seriously get mad when people eat McDonalds’ in front of me and I don’t have any but more so because of his complete lack of listening skills! THEN! When he had three fry’s left he asked if I would like a fry?! No! I would not like your pity fry! I would have liked to go get my own and I can’t even say it was the thought that counts because he didn’t think about me or I’d be eating McDonalds’ right now too. AND! I can guarantee he was thinking about the juicy goodness of a big mac.

So at this point I did what any smart women would do. I picked up the phone and ordered from his favorite place and got his favorite food. I ordered pizza 73 and normal I only like vegetarian pizza but not tonight. Nope. I had a point to prove and I was proving it. I ordered pepperoni with mushrooms and a side order of hot wings. He looked at me like he was going to cry and not even one part of me felt badly. I looked at him and said

“Sucks doesn’t it, don’t you wish you would have listened now”

And I ate that pizza right in front of him, I really felt like I won this battle. By the end of my pizza I calmed down and looked at his poor face, pouting under the blanket watching 90210 with me and felt bad. So I gave him the rest of my pizza. But I still feel like I made my point and will note that he has been listening better.

Self realization comes through beers at a baptism

When I was in my late teen years I had a group of girlfriends and we were best friends. There was a group of us who thought we would grow up together, have kids, wear Chanel and pretty much be like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. New people would come in but for the most part there was a solid group who would have been able to look back when we were 30 and remember that crazy girl’s trip to B.C or the Tuesday night we took a stripper to the bar. But I guess people change and things happen you can’t take back and words hurt you to much to move past.

I have a hard time letting go of people. Generally when I like you, you are stuck with me for life unless you become so crazy I can’t handle you. But I tend to hold onto people because I am some what of a nice person and just want to make people happy and silly me, I bought into the idea that Sex and the City plays up that just because life goes a million different directions you friends are there for you. Not always the case.

But  I am blessed enough to say that over the years I’ve accumulated a couple of friends who have been there through thick and thin, but what I am talking about is the friends you thought you would have forever then one morning you wake up and realize you aren’t really friends with that person at all any more.

I started to think about all the relationships I had formed with different girls and how most of my girlfriends from my early teens I simply just don’t talk to any more and then I compare them to the few I have left and realize how lucky I am to be blessed with a handful of amazing friends. But part of me still misses the group of girls who helped form me into this completely lost person I am today. I kept thinking how we had grown apart or lost contact and become different people, or in one girl in particular things just got so twisted and fucked up I snapped. I remembered sitting around for hung over Sunday’s drinking Caesar’s and talking about our drunken adventures. Part of me missed that and being the emotion cutter I am couldn’t or wouldn’t let it go. I would try to patch things with them and it just continually didn’t work or when I would hang out with them I would come home and be in complete shock of how different we were now.

For the last little while I have been extremely upset about this. I just felt alone and I would see then with there stupid baby pictures on Facebook and it would just suck. I mean hell we are twenty three people! I am not behind on the baby timeline I just know how to properly use birth control and don’t feel the need to make a bad relationship work with a man that doesn’t love me or I don’t love him! I don’t feel the need to continually talk about myself (at least in person, I realize I am writing a blog about myself) and I am an appropriate level of crazy, my life isn’t always filled with drama and generally I just talk about my shitty job and my crazy days. I don’t have fights with girls because they’ve spelt with my boyfriend, I don’t sleep with friends boyfriends, I don’t get charged with assault, I don’t say I love a guy after dating for two week only to break up with him a month later. I am a normal level of crazy.

 But for some reason I hold onto these “friendships” not wanting to let go. But last night I had an amazing skype date with two of the best girls who sadly live on the other side of Canada and aren't there to always talk sense into me. Abby said to me

“if you want to be friends with the type of people who can manipulate you into feeling this way that seems a little crazy even for you. Justine, they shot gun beers at a baby’s baptism. I don’t think you are missing out on much”

For some reason it took me hearing it from her to realize that even though letting go isn’t easy, some times it’s just better to move on and let relationships pass because its better for you in the long run. So that is what I am going to do, learn to let toxic relationships with people go. So if ever I am telling you about my shitty encounter with a guy I used to sleep with and your response is 

"doesn't my hair look fabulus today. God I look awesome"

I probably wont answer and now will just walk away. 

 I know this was a sappy post but this blog is about me finding my way and I feel like in the friend department I’ve made headway. So bravo to me and thank you to the girls who are always there for me, Jenna, Dana, Abby, Christina, even when we are a million miles away, having a baby and having our world turned upside down you are the best 

Elephants are fornicating at my gym

So I've been dragging my ass to the gym on and off for the last six months, some times I go, some times I eat chocolate instead. I really like the gym I go to because generally there is a low douche to normal ratio.  Recently I have developed some annoying stuff at my gym that needs to be cleared up.

The first thing is the women/girls who wear a face full of makeup like the just got attacked by Crayola crayons and their hair is done. Not like in a pony tail done; it is done done. What the hell is wrong with you? You should be going there to get all sweaty and smelly and you walk around like you are going to audition for 90210.

 Another thing, put some clothes on, cover your tits and ass, I don’t care how skinny you are know one looks good in a sports spa and shorts smaller then my underwear while running on a treadmill. All you are accomplishing is saying to the world “look at me I am an attention whore and a floozy!” But to each there own and when you land your Ed Hardy wearing, steroid popping douche of a boyfriend I will be happy two people equally as douchey found love.

The second thing that really gets me is the grunting. Now I work out with my father who grunts and I’ve learned to live with it and I realize men do this to show/vocalize how strong they are, but there is one guy in particular who does it from the time he picks up the weight till the five minutes after he puts it down. Now this isn’t normal grunting. This man sounds like an elephant fornicating, I shit you not, and it is horrible! It is like AAUUGHHHRRRRHHHGGGYYYYYYYYYYY then when he puts down his weights (which is me being nice because he doesn’t put them down he throws them to show his manliness) he gasp for air like he had just been suffocated by a really bad fart. I CAN’T HANDLE IT! At first I laughed then I just ignored it now I am so amazingly annoyed by this guy I can’t even handle it. I tell you one bad day mixed in with PMS and I am going to hurt this guy.

Being the pervert that my mother raised me to be my mind starts to really wander. I was working out the other day, trying to hold my fart in while doing squats (the only reason you should be allowed to grunt at the gym) and he was on the machine next to me grunting away and I thought to myself 

“Jesus Christ, if this man makes this much noise lifting weights what the hell does he sound like when he's cumming?!” 

Then I got this horrible image of him screwing some one and grunting and thought to myself

 “he must only be able to have sex with deaf girls because any women who heard those sounds coming from a men would dry up faster than Ellen Degeneres’s pussy around a group of big black men.”

 And now you can thank me for putting the idea of him fornicating and the sounds he makes and the image of Ellen’s vagina. You are welcome.

Anyways, those are my complaints, I still need to go because I am on a quest to fit skinny jeans without looking like an ice cream cone but it doesn’t mean I wont make fun of the gym people secretly in my head. 

The taste of sweet revenge

There is nothing better then logging onto Facebook and noticing some one has gotten fat from high school. Don’t lie; it’s a great a feeling when some one who made your life hell is now a heifer. I know that makes me a bad person for saying it out loud and the karma Gods are going to hate me but today I simply do not care.

I have this asshole of an ex boyfriend who I dated for three years, we were both young and dumb and the break up was not a friendly one. I saw him out at the bar shortly after the break up and decided to tackle him for talking to another girl. That was my crazy moment in the break up. I know it was crazy but dam did it feel good. After that we “hung out” a few more times, which really means casual sex that ended in my crying after. But these hang out sessions happened pretty frequently, including one weekend he took me on a romantic trip away. I really thought that we were working our way to getting back together after that weekend and I was in sheer bliss when I went back to school until Monday. Until my friend Sheena texted me that she noticed on Facebook he changed his relationship status to in a relationship, with a girl I worked with. This floozy of a woman also happened to be dating his best friend of like 10 years; yes she cheated on this amazing boyfriend, who was extremely good looking, going to the top university in Canada and has the world in the palm of his hands. She traded that for my loser of a boyfriend who worked in a restaurant, didn’t have any plans for a future and smoked weed most nights of the week, why she thought that was a good trade is beyond me. But he was still mine, or was working his way back to being mine and I was devastated to say the least. I remember sitting in the back of that class trying so hard not to cry, remember the events of the weekend and how I could miss some thing as huge as him having feelings for another women. I replayed the events of the weekend for the whole fifty minute class, ran out of that class room and cried and ate a bucket of ice cream. I eventually put down the ice cream, bucked up because my momma didn’t raise no fool, and she defiantly didn’t raise a women who would wallow in self pity over a douche bag of a guy.  I realized that my life was probably going to be better without him and moved on. But not before I text him and told him what a complete asshole he was, because my momma also didn’t raise no push over. That didn’t go over well and he said some of the meanest things to me a person could say. But that was three years ago and I thank God all the time that she ended up with him and I didn’t go back to him.  But I still have this girl on Facebook, because I am an emotional cutter and that is what an emotional cutter would do. I occasionally creep her Facebook because curiosity gets the best of me and I need to know how their relationship is and that mine is better. I am a competitive, emotional cutter.

Regardless, I really hate this girl and think she is the scum of the earth, and although she has the same facial features as a drag queen, I don’t feel like that is adequate punishment for being the scum of the earth and I want them both to suffer, in a non Albert Hitchock way and in more of a John Tucker Must Die way.

So that brings me to my Friday afternoon work day. I jump on my phone to check good old Facebook and there it is a shinning glimmer of hilarity. Her facebook status is “if any one has seen or heard from Scott please let me know!”

Now I say a glimmer of hilarity because at this point it can go one of two ways, he is seriously injured in a ditch some where or he is pulling the same shit with her he did with me at the end of our relationship. Now I need to know and am in complete panic, so I am checking Facebook every ten minutes I swear. Could the last three years of waiting for her to be publicly embarrassed the same way they embarrassed me finally be here! Then there it was! HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY LET THE HEAVENS OPEN UP AND SING THE SWEET SONG OF ANGLES! This was better than if Taylor Swift and Miranda Lambert collaborated and made the ultimate break up song. Her Facebook relationship status change was there saying “single” followed by some tragic Facebook status basically stating that he left her and she is heartbroken. Ha! GOOD! Now she just has to go have revenge sex, contract Chlamydia, give it to him and all in life will be fair.

A normal ex girlfriend would chuckle to herself, hope she gets fat and move on with her day and I contemplated that option but I am a competitive, emotional cutter and I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to rub it in her face. So I did what a normal person wouldn’t do and I liked that Facebook relationship change, felt an overwhelming sense of power. It took three years but it felt like I won the relationship revenge game of life. And that my friends is why I am not a good person. 

Another one bites the dust

Remember when I told you all that I was cursed? Like a month ago? Well I am. Another one bites the dust. Yes, it's sad but true, I am down another drinking partner due to pregnancy. It is really tragic for me and I am actually starting to 100 percent believe I am cursed.

I have yet to receive any request for new drinking partners so I thought I would outline why I am such a good drinking partner.

1) After five beers I am awesome at all drinking games, that includes but is not limited to

• beers-bee
• flip cup
• beer pong
• sociables
• chugging contests
• Foosball 

2) I once made a drunk song up about balls in my mouth, and there is a video. Point being, I will always be the embarrassing drunk so you never have to worry about going "Oh God what did I do last night" because I will always be able to top it and make you feel better

3) After five beers I can throw down with the likes of Ellen, Usher, Justin Timberlake and the fat guy from Hitch (Kevin James)

4) I am all about theme/ choreographed dances. Give me a good line dance, LMFAO dance or even the Gangnam Style dance I will learn it and bust it out when ever possible

5) I embrace bad life choice and wont make you feel guilty about yours (see number 2) 

6) I will always have your back. Your boyfriends ex girlfriend show up to a party? I will sit in a corner and through ice at her 

7) I once ate a fish and puked it up whole in a drunk game of truth or dare. That shows you my commitment to drinking games and drinking partners

8) As long as it's not a week day I am down for drinking any time. 

9) I can get drunk off of ten dollars

10) I know all the words to free falling. 

So those are ten good reasons to apply, but before you apply make sure that you understand birthday control and have zero plans to get knocked up. Also I request that you are adequate in drinking games.