If we lived in a perfect world

Do you know what I want? To be naturally skinny, to be able to eat all the damn cupcakes and ice cream and carbs in the whole world and not have it all go to my huge ass. I’d like to sit down and eat pasta and not feel my ass grow an inch with every bite. I’d like to be able to eat a cup cake and not know that it will take an hour of sweaty intense cardio at the gym. I’d like to be able to drink beer and not worry that it’s going to make my stomach stick out over my pants. I’d like to go home and watch Sons of Anarchy and sit on the couch, instead I am dragging my ass to the gym. Normally I would have energy to go but a tragedy has take place today, while in a rush to not be late for work because boss man called me this morning saying I had to open the shop because his mom is sick I left my house in a hurry, which in turn meant I left my wallet, which means, I don’t have any Red Bull, which means I need a nap. Especially because I did not get one nap this weekend, NOT A SINGLE NAP WAS TO BE HAD ALL WEEKEND! What a tragedy.

& Justine said go forth my children and multiple

I work out with my dad and my cousin every day, well okay that’s a lie, I don’t participate every day, I usually drag my ass down 3 to 5 times a week, and spend a significant amount of time drooling over Banana Pants Man (remember him), but in two months I’ve lost 20 freaking pounds. SUCK ON THAT SKINNY JEANS I WILL MAKE YOU MY BITCH SOON ENOUGH! That’s not what I am focusing on today though, my cousin has been a single man for as long as I can remember, he has had his flings, short relationships, one night stands but never has he had a serious relationship. generally he gets fucked over a lot. You probably think it’s weird I know his sexual history, and it is, but he is two years older than me and we went to the same high school and had a lot of mutual friends and it’s a small town. So naturally he has dated around a lot, but over Christmas he was casually dating a girl who went to the same gym as us. She reminds me of a school teacher so for the purpose of this post I will refer to her as the School Teacher, any ways, I drove them home drunk one night from the bar and she was all over him like a gay man on a unicorn, seriously, and she thought I was his sister at the time, this girl needed to get it in a fierce kind of way. Since that night we talk at the gym and she invites me out some times, I usually decline, but all in all I thought she was a nice girl.

While I was pumping the iron yesterday, aka hanging around near Banana Pants Man while he was getting all sweaty and hot and …oh god I need to change my underwear now, ahh focus Justine. Back to my intriguing story…so while I was pumping Iron, my cousin asked me if I was friends with the School Teacher, I said no just casually quick hey how’s your training going, kind of conversations, and I asked why, obviously there is a story here and I want to know it, I love hearing about other peoples drama. He informed me that when they started “hanging out” she was recently divorced and wanted to keep her legs closed till she was comfortable or some shit, he said fine I can wait, not a problem. They had been hanging out for about two months when he found out that she was banging some 20 year old on the side so all the lines of not being comfortable until her divorce was finalized la dee dah bull shit was just lines.

Now here is my confusion, I saw School Teacher in the back of my car giving a lesson in car foreplay 101, obviously I could tell this girl was not the wholesome kind of school teacher, but hey, I don’t judge girls on their sexual adventures, I’m all for it, but he was really confused about the whole situation and really hurt. He thought she was a nice, wholesome, girl.  They weren’t dating exclusively, in fact she had given him the green light to sleep with other girls, and he had, so he was more mad about the lines of bullshit she was feeding him.

Normally, I’d be on my cousins side and I am, I don’t like to see him get hurt, I love the guy, and at first I was like

“Dammmmmmmnnnn boy she played you, what a hoe”  

But then I thought about it…all she did was treat him like most men treat women (yes, I realize how much I hate men at this point in my life and how much I think they are scum bags, ya ya ya). She wasn’t dating him exclusively, she had every right to sleep with whom ever she wanted, he was, and chances are he didn’t call her up after getting down and dirty and say, just a heads up I just got down and dirty just thought you should know, so why should she do the same? If she didn’t want to sleep with two guys at the same time and picked the 20 year old because she knew he was more disposable is it wrong to come up with a lie? I lie about having my period all the time when I don’t want to sleep with a guy, is that any different? Who really knows why she said those lines but I really don’t know if I see the problem there. I get he is hurt she was sleeping with another guy but he was sleeping with other girls? DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARDS I TELL YOU!

Girlfriend had just spent the last 6 freaking years in a relationship, she’s only 25 so that means, she probably slept with one or two guys, I say go free young grass hopper, play the field, see what is out there, welcome to the world of women treating men as disposable as they've treated us for years!

So what do you think? Bitch be a hoe…or bitch just dating around?  Really, am I just a crazy hoe for saying she was dating around and there is nothing wrong with that? 

Side note: it's a damn good thing none of the guys I am currently dating read my blog, not that I am dating that many guys at this point in time, but really my inner Samantha Jones/I am women hear me roar voice is really coming through lately. 

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

So while I have been the biggest downer ever lately (seriously I am getting sick of myself) I do have some thing good to talk about! It’s about hot guy at the gym. Every one needs to come to my gym to see this man. I am not sneaky enough or creepy enough to snap pictures for you guys. Although Jenna is so once she is done being all prego I will get her out the gym to snap pictures. I think that may be equally as creepy but you should all see this man.

Yesterday the best thing in the world happened, he wore his sweat pants and did these pull up things…dear god. Sweat pants and pull ups where he did this pelvic thrust thing! I stared like an idiot but I couldn't look away! It was magically. And let me just note that it was definitely a banana in his pants and I was very happy to see him.

Elephants are fornicating at my gym

So I've been dragging my ass to the gym on and off for the last six months, some times I go, some times I eat chocolate instead. I really like the gym I go to because generally there is a low douche to normal ratio.  Recently I have developed some annoying stuff at my gym that needs to be cleared up.

The first thing is the women/girls who wear a face full of makeup like the just got attacked by Crayola crayons and their hair is done. Not like in a pony tail done; it is done done. What the hell is wrong with you? You should be going there to get all sweaty and smelly and you walk around like you are going to audition for 90210.

 Another thing, put some clothes on, cover your tits and ass, I don’t care how skinny you are know one looks good in a sports spa and shorts smaller then my underwear while running on a treadmill. All you are accomplishing is saying to the world “look at me I am an attention whore and a floozy!” But to each there own and when you land your Ed Hardy wearing, steroid popping douche of a boyfriend I will be happy two people equally as douchey found love.

The second thing that really gets me is the grunting. Now I work out with my father who grunts and I’ve learned to live with it and I realize men do this to show/vocalize how strong they are, but there is one guy in particular who does it from the time he picks up the weight till the five minutes after he puts it down. Now this isn’t normal grunting. This man sounds like an elephant fornicating, I shit you not, and it is horrible! It is like AAUUGHHHRRRRHHHGGGYYYYYYYYYYY then when he puts down his weights (which is me being nice because he doesn’t put them down he throws them to show his manliness) he gasp for air like he had just been suffocated by a really bad fart. I CAN’T HANDLE IT! At first I laughed then I just ignored it now I am so amazingly annoyed by this guy I can’t even handle it. I tell you one bad day mixed in with PMS and I am going to hurt this guy.

Being the pervert that my mother raised me to be my mind starts to really wander. I was working out the other day, trying to hold my fart in while doing squats (the only reason you should be allowed to grunt at the gym) and he was on the machine next to me grunting away and I thought to myself 

“Jesus Christ, if this man makes this much noise lifting weights what the hell does he sound like when he's cumming?!” 

Then I got this horrible image of him screwing some one and grunting and thought to myself

 “he must only be able to have sex with deaf girls because any women who heard those sounds coming from a men would dry up faster than Ellen Degeneres’s pussy around a group of big black men.”

 And now you can thank me for putting the idea of him fornicating and the sounds he makes and the image of Ellen’s vagina. You are welcome.

Anyways, those are my complaints, I still need to go because I am on a quest to fit skinny jeans without looking like an ice cream cone but it doesn’t mean I wont make fun of the gym people secretly in my head.