I'm sorry I mentioned it

Jenna and I took a road trip to go get bridal lingerie last week, on our way back she asked me that if enough time passed would I consider getting back together with Kermit. She pointed out how well we worked together for so long, and how much I cared for him and how bad dating has been for me since him, really it's been horrible. After I was done hysterically laughing and then crying I replied with no, more like fuck no but you get what I am sayin. Kermit and I really tried to make a friendship work after our breakup, I really wanted a friendship to work, there was just one problem, somewhere between the end of our relationship and now he has turned into a complete douche bag. Have you ever tried to be friends with a complete douche bag? It’s hard isn’t it.

 Which leads me to last Friday, after having possibly the most crap filled week I received news that an old co-worker died. I worked with him when I worked with Kermit so I thought I would let Kermit know, in case you know, he decided to stop being an arrogant prick, turns out he hasn't so that's great.

 

 You know the saying though, once an arrogant prick, always an arrogant. He asked how I was doing, I said absolutely horrible, my week is shit, I got the boot for my “roommates” and there has been a pile of stress lately. Wrong thing to say, you know what you say when your ex boyfriend asks how you are doing? You say good. And you run. Otherwise you get some not needed pep talk about how you need to look at things positively and you are just whiny. Great. Have you been around lately? No, it's been shit, there isn't a whole lot to be positive about. Thanks for adding to my great week, you sure know how to make a girl feel better. I texted back and say, alright have a nice day this is why we don’t talk anymore. He texted me my give-a-fuck meter is right out so I left it.

 

Fast forward to Saturday night when I am having drinks at Melvins, (don't ask) I get a text from Mike

 

"Kermit asked me for your number, which is weird because I didn't give him mine"

 

"well...he probably got it on a bathroom stall. He has my number though, I just talked to him Friday."

 

That's weird right? Why, do not text my friends, you lost those in the divorce, you got all the furniture, I got my friends. Maybe if you weren't an arrogant prick you could have your own, as it stands, they are mine, back off.

 When I first met Kermit he was the nicest, most understanding guy I had ever met, that is what I liked about him, he listened and he cared, over time that person faded, since breaking up that person has flown to never ever land never to be seen again and this new cocky jackass has stepped in to take his place. Let me tell you a secret folks, he is not all that and a bag of potatoes chips, I dated the guy I know, he’s wasn’t some amazing catch that I stumbled on and luckily kept.  No, he was weird and dorky but he cared about people. You know what has changed since we’ve broke up? The amount on his pay cheques. That does not give a person reason to turn into an egotistical dickhead yet somehow it always seems to have that affect.

 So that friendship has dissolved, so I retract any statement that I have previously made that ex’s can be friends, they can’t, they can be civil.

Sweat baby sweat

Sunday morning I woke up to a text reminding me that I had a date later in the afternoon. A hiking date, which in theory sounds cute, awe, we will hike out down to the river and it will be all so cute and romantic. In my head this is excellent, something picture perfect and out of a movie and we know how much I love anything that reminds me of a romantic movie scene. Also I thought this would be a good way to get over Melvin, who recently entered and exited my life for the millionth time in 6 months, I’ve seriously developed an eye twitch from the stress that man causes me.

So I wake up kind of pumped for my hiking date, until I realize I do not have a hiking outfit and the more concerning fact, I have never really gone hiking.  Once when I was 12, but uh, I was a hefty 12 year old and it was probably a traumatic experience because it involved moving so I never really did it again. Also after a conversation with Dana, she informs me that fake eye lashes are not accepted when you go on a hiking date and I probably shouldn’t waste my time curling my hair. I am in panic mode; usually I like to ease guys into the process of seeing “natural” Justine. I like to charm them with my amazing personality so when I go from Beyonce to Susan Boyle it’s not as big of deal, because they are swooned with my sense of humor and loveliness.

So I go on this date, without hair extensions or falsies and it is at this time that I decided that I am more of a mini golf, dinner and drinks kind of date. Why you ask? Because let me tell you the main difference between movies and real life. Sweat. That’s it. You don’t get romantic moments when the two of you are so sweaty from the sun beating down on you and you are crawling over shrubs like it’s the Hunger Games.  There isn’t a sexy way to unpeel your shirt from your back, there isn’t a romantic way to look into each other eyes when you have beads of sweat dripping into them off your forehead, and I sure as hell don’t want you to touch me because the bugs are touching me enough and I’d probably catch you in the chin with one of my arms flailing that’s trying to hit the bug that just bit me on the arm.

But we finally made it down to the river; I take one step into the water, and BAM! Legs go over my head, arms reaching to grab something, anything, but there is nothing for me to stable myself and I ever so gracefully biff it into the water, right on my ass. Yep. I am the most graceful create to walk the earth. He is busy laughing at me so I stand up take one more step and fall again. I give up. Dating is not my forte. Needless to say, I doubt there will be a second date.