Day 53...Warm embrace

You: Had did the date go last night?

Me: I didn’t go.

You: Are you kidding me.

Me: No. I am not. I went out with Kermit instead.

You: You are crazy and helpless

Me: I know.

I did. I went for dinner with Kermit last night instead, in fairness, I wasn’t in the mood to put on a smile and make casual conversation and try to talk myself up in hopes that this guy who seems to have his shit together will believe that I do it. Plus things are getting more serious with Mathew Mchottie, even though he is on the other side of Canada. I had to much on my mind, I needed to get it out and have a second opinion. Kermit, may be a lot of things, asshole, slightly lazy, and a little bit pig headed, but he gets me, he makes me laugh and laughs at my jokes, he listens to me when I am worried and talks to me in a way that makes me feel better. Really if it wasn’t for us dating we would be friends, great friends, because for some reason we just understand each other. He helps me make sense of things in a way no one else can and some times you just need some one to hug you and tell you not to worry and that things will work out. I wish I could block out the anxiety I feel about my future, I want to go back to being 20 and carefree but I can’t block it out and the decisions I have to make weigh on me like a ton of bricks. But that is not your concern because you aren’t my therapist and I’ll save the mental break downs for her.

At the end of the night I drove him home, that was our deal, I drove, he picked up the bill, so I dropped him off and he invited me inside, it was late and I was tired and felt like I was getting sick (I AM SICK NOW!), but I was going to come in and use his bathroom. He hugged me goodbye and you know those hugs that neither of you want to let go, you just stand there for a long time holding each other, then there is the awkward pull away, where you face is so close to his that you could kiss but neither of you is willing to make the first move. 

So you stand there, in this awkward embrace, locking eyes, not willing to make the first move, not willing to put your heart out there again because in the 10 seconds you are locking eyes all the memories come rushing back, the memory of your first kiss, sitting on his tailgate under the stars in the July heat, the memory of moving in together and dancing in a kitchen full of unpacked boxes, with this feeling of hope and content and most of all happiness, of Sunday mornings holding hands and walking through the farmers market, just happy to be with him, bringing home a puppy that you both grow to love like it was a child, watching him cry as his sister walks down the aisle hoping that you’ll be next to wear a white dress with your daddy walking you towards him and he will cry because he is so happy to make you his wife, the hopes that your children will get his eyes and your smile.

Then there memory of your first fight creeps in and the first time he made you feel like you weren’t good enough, the first time he put another girl before you and left you home alone crying asking yourself why you weren’t good enough for him, the memory of the first time he cut you down in front of all your friends, the memory of hopelessness you felt when every thing was falling apart and your dreams of loving this man forever were crumbling right before your eyes, the memory of you begging him to stop hurting you, to love you, to want you, to need you, the memory of all your hopes and dreams breaking into a million pieces as you fall to the floor because you are crying so hard  and then, the memory of you walking away, finding the strength to love yourself again, packing the life you build with a man for the last three years into 8 boxes…and him not chasing you, the memory of you closing the door like he closed his heart forcing you to walk away. The first step into your new house, and the second, third and fourth step of you running into your fathers arms crying because it hurts so much to love a man that doesn’t love you. The memory of all the faked smiles and laughs, the memory of trying to hide the pain you feel, the memory of your closest friends seeing how broken you are and they're empathetic smiles, the feelings of loneliness as you crawl into bed, alone again, so you reach to any one who gives you the false sense of love, of longing, of need, even though the void is never filled because you were left with nothing…the memory of feeling dead, broken hearted and helpless. 

Then the memory of the first time you felt like you made it out alive, that you survived the break up and even though you thought you would never be okay again…you are. 

So let you let go of him,  you stop, you pull away, and his hands fall to his side, and he kisses your forehead, and your heart sinks just a little and you turn to walk out the door again because it’s not longer “our” home, it’s his, and the picture of you two doesn't hang on the wall any more, it was taken down months ago in the first post break up war. So you say goodbye, because you remember that you left for a reason and he didn’t come after you for a reason, even though you prayed to God he would. God did you pray. You remember that your relationship broke for a reason. A reason that you didn't want to accept but eventually you had to. So you get in your car, you turn on the radio, light a cigarette, inhale, fight back the tears and drive away. 

You take the night for what it was, two friends who needed to talk, who needed help and were there for each other. Not two people who were once madly in love, who couldn't stand to be away from each other, who craved and needed each other, because you aren’t those people any more.  And truth be told, you know you haven't been in a long time.

But you made it out alive and you're okay. So tell yourself it will be alright. Wipe away the tear and smile, because hopefully some day, you will find some one who loves as hard as you do and it wont end with a warm embrace between friends.

Day 52...Smart and sexy and educated, OH MY!

you: what are you doing tonight Justine? 

Me: oh you know…going on a date…with a guy who’s name isn’t Skipper, Kermit, or SSM. This guy knows the difference between then and than, doesn’t have a girlfriend, and isn’t an alcoholic!

You: Praise Allah maybe there is hope for you

Me: No, not really, I am considering canceling because I don’t want to put pants on…but my jungle fever is making me seriously consider putting on pants 

You: Justine. Put pants on go on this date. He sounds better than the other guys you took your pants off for

Me: Yes, that is true. But there is just one problem

You: There always is

Me: He has a 4 year old kid so there could be potential for baby momma drama

You: Run.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do! Smart, well educated, stable good job, hot, and it will help with my jungle fever. What’s a little potential baby momma drama?!

You: You are an idiot. You can’t take care of yourself, what would you do with a 4 year old

Me: Shut up. It’s only one date.  Don’t get ahead of yourself. I am going to put pants on and go. Fuck you.

Day 51...Crystal ball please tell me what to do

 I have a dilemma, and Amy Poehler cancelled on me last week so now you guys get the grunt of it and now I don’t know what to do. I hate making decisions, I am scared to make the wrong choice. Apparently you aren't suppose to look at your choices and have it as passing and failing but I disagree, you either make the right choice or the wrong choice. You can fix the wrong choice but it's still the wrong choice.

You only get one life, that’s it, and it goes by fast. At 23 I thought I would have more figured out, as we know I don’t. I am lost trying to figure out what I need for the rest of my life. What I am suppose to do as a career, where I am suppose to end up, and if I am making the right choice.

I wish I was like those kids who knew they wanted to be a fireman, cop or nurse. You know? No, you probably don't because you don't have to see a therapist to help you with your anxiety. People who know what they wanted for a career went to school, got jobs, work, get married, have kids, raise kids, retire, die. That's their life and they have it figured out, they have a game plan. So far my game plan looks like this, drink wine on Friday night. That’s it, because past that I don’t have a plan.

I applied for school in Toronto. I am absolutely terrified that I’ll get it because then the choice is easy, I move. Am I ready to pack up and move my life out to Toronto, where yes, Abby and Jade, are living, and sure Matthew Mchottie is out there and has said I can come stay with him, he will take care of me and that he thinks we could really work together, but I would be leaving my whole life behind for a new one. As much as my life is a big giant question mark right now, I have people here, friends that have turned into family, family that mean the world to me. Could I leave Jenna, Coupon Queen, Jeffrey, Mike and all my other friends? I honestly don’t know if I could. I know I will make knew friends but I don’t want knew friends. I love my family and friends. They are the only solid part of my life. Every thing else is up in the air.

And I have decided I really am not into planning weddings, corporate events, yes, weddings, no. As much as I love weddings, I am not willing to give up every weekend of my summer, I’m just not. I enjoy working 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, with my weekends off to do what ever I want. I like that part.  You don’t get that when you are planning weddings, your weekends are filled with weddings, setting up and taking down. But Shitville just isn’t big enough to have a job planning corporate events, the biggest events here are our local hockey teams 80’s nights or the local bands playing down town. It would involve moving regardless, unless I choose some thing else to do with my life. Maybe I could just be happy working in an office, getting married, having kids. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I wont hate it. But I really feel like I want more than that.

I am also scared to make the wrong choice, I feel like at 23 I am only three years away from my scary age. 26 is my scary age, it’s the age where I feel like I should have all the shit I don’t have figure out now, done. So that’s only three years, so I have to get going. I have to pick a plan and go with it because being stuck here not knowing isn’t an answer and it’s getting me no where.  If I just pick a plan, go with it, and I fail, I still have time to fix it. The answer would be easy if I could take Jenna, Mike, Coupon Queen and Jeffrey with me to Toronto, I’d be there, I’d know what I wanted to do and I would be happy. Sadly they are staying in Alberta, doing their thing. How selfish of them. 

Day 50...Warning this post involves a huge random penis

I know you've all been like "God damn Justine, you've been whiny and boy obsessed lately. Go back to being awesome and stop having feelings!" Well, to that I say, I agree. I also say you are in for a treat. I am about to make it up to you.

I picked up an internet stalker a month or so ago, remember? Of  course you do, because you hang off of every word I write like I am Shakespeare. So you know, the one who kept messaging me, like ten times, even when I didn't reply. Him. Well, I deleted him off my phone and he popped back up last week and I was feeling sad so I messaged him back. Mistake! You give a stalker an inch and they show up at your house.

Well, I stopped replying to him and this morning the messages started again.

"hey beautiful"

"hey?"

"how's your day?"

"should I just delete you"

now I start to feel bad so I say

"I am super busy. Sorry."

I thought that he would get the hint? EVEN I WOULD GET THAT HINT! I think. I mean, that is the nicest way I could think of to end the conversation and have him get the hint that I didn't want to talk to him any more.

So this is what happens next.

BAM!!!!!!IT'S A FUCKING PENIS! IT'S A HUGE FUCKING PENIS! DOES "I AM SUPER BUSY. SORRY" ACTUALLY MEAN SEND ME A DICK PIC? BECAUSE IF IT DOES I WILL NEVER BE BUSY OR SORRY AGAIN! ( I know I shouldn't put random junk pictures online, but if you send a picture of your dick to a random girl you've never met, you are asking for it to be spread on the internet.)

Then he goes

"you like?"

I'd like if it wasn't attached to you and was attached to some one less stalkerish, creepy and better looking. 

How does one even respond to that? WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO SEND ME PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALS! Do I give off some vibe that I am unaware of?  Do people think that I need to see a picture of their junk and have it saved onto my phone? I know where youporn is, I don't need your random dong on my phone. The internet is filled with them. Although the is the biggest dong I have ever seen. Except for maybe Mike's, because his is exceptionally big as well. Don't ask me how I know that. 

But seriously. What does one say back to that? I am currently taking suggestions because I have no fucking clue. So far this is what I've come up with...

Nice dick? Please don't talk to me again?

I think I've seen your dick on youporn before. I don't date men in the porn industry, please don't talk to me again.

error: I have turned into a lesbian. Sorry. (courtesy of Kirsten)

or my final idea is

I just want you to know...I write a blog...all my readers have now seen your dick. Sorry. I don't think it will work out between us. But thanks for the great blog post.

Seriously. Who does that?!

Day 48 and 49...It's Pizza's Fault

I wish I had more exciting self realizations or drunken adventures to post about, or even relationship advice. But I don’t, the rest of my weekend was boring. Saturday night I spent it dancing to, Saturday Night by Whigfield, except I made up my own lyrics that went like this

“It’s Saturday night and my bra is coming off. I like pizza baby. Saturday night and my bra is coming off, Cause I am so single baby.”

I followed that up with some White snake and I can hear your jealous moans from over here. I know, it is hard to be as fun and exciting as I am but keep trying you may get there some day.

Seriously, that was the highlight of the rest of my weekend.

Well except I saw Kermit to retrieve the rest of my things. It was awkward and he gave me back of shit I clearly did not want. But we chatted, I told him I was going to Toronto to see Mathew Mchottie (which I’ve yet to decide if this is a good choice or not), I am sure he didn’t want to hear it, but hey, what’s a little salt to an opened wound? He also said sorry, which really at this point meant nothing.

And that was my weekend and I can guarantee next time you here Saturday Night, you are going to think of my version, which is better because it’s about pizza and releasing your boobs from boob jail…and I wonder why I am single and Kermit didn’t love me. I think I may have just found my answer. 

Day 47...Daddy Issues

Here is the thing; I never like guys who like me. Right now there are guys asking to take me out on dates, to hang out, to fly me all the way across the country, so I know I can play the dating games, that I can be normal, that my awesomeness can translate across to the opposite sex but the thing is, as soon as I think you don’t like me, all sense of normal is out the window. I can’t stand when I guy I like doesn’t like me and I lose all good judgment in dating protocol and make an ass out of myself.  These guys that actually show interest in me are all awesome guys, they are funny, smart make me laugh, probably better picks then any guy I’ve picked since breaking up with Kermit, but they bore me. They are predictable, stable, understanding, and normal. That is not what I am drawn to. I pick assholes, guys who are emotionally unavailable, who have zero interest in dating; one of them still had a girlfriend. Those are the guys I like.

I will pick these guys and obsess over every detail and conversation. I will drunk dial them at 2 in the morning (may have drunk dialed SSM Friday night because I am an emotional cutter), I will say things to make it awkward, I will do weird things. I am just generally awkward when I like you.  It’s like I never got over that awkward 13 year old dating phase. I reply to every text in way to much detail, I become clingy and maybe even borderline needy, I throw my life out the window to bend to yours, can be talked into any thing and basically every dating rule I told you to follow, I don’t .

I mean, I can do these rules, but only when I think that you like me, in some way or another otherwise I can’t. When I was sure Skipper liked me, I had no problem saying I didn’t want to hang out, that I had my own shit to do and I didn’t care if he texted me or not, now I care, now I wonder what I did wrong (obviously, I know, the signs are all there).

When I was out for dinner with Jenna last night, I told her about my theory, about how I only like guys who don’t like me. She said she didn’t date like that at all, if a guy didn’t show interest, his loss, and she wouldn’t care. Most of my friends are like this, except for me, Dana and my other friend Jimmy.

The thing is it kind of sounds like a daddy issue does it not? Begging for guys to love of when they don’t, that has daddy issue written all over it. Except the fact of the matter is, all three of us have parents that are still happily married, dads that loved us and would do any thing for us if they needed to and all of us have had perfectly normal up bringing. The other thing we all share in common is a younger brother, who is gifted in some way. Dana’s brother, Mike, is exceptionally smart (just like her dad), Jimmy’s brother is a pro soccer player in Europe (just like her dad was), and my brother is smart and gifted when it comes to things my dad is passionate about, hunting, fishing, wildlife etc.

I mean, it could really have nothing to do with it; it could just be that all three of us girls are fucked in the head, but I think it’s a little weird, that all three of us share the same dating pattern, and all three of us come from similar family dynamics. I believe I just Dr.Philled that shit and it’s amazing I still work on this office job. 

Day 46...The day the awkwardness wouldn't end

If you follow my on Facebook you know that Friday was the most awkward day of my life. I left a post that I was editing up on my work computer. Boss man read it and left me a nice little note for Friday morning. I said sorry and he laughed and said it was okay. I am assuming he got some the night before because he is generally happier when he is getting laid. But aren’t we all.

I had a date night with Jeffrey on Friday night, don't be jealous I am that cool. We went and watched hockey then made our way over to a pub where I got drunk (obviously, my boss just read one of my blog posts, I needed to drink). My life choices when I drink are always shocking and of course this night was no exception. I came out of the bathroom and saw Skipper. Talk about awkward encounters, he looked in worse shape than I did. I swear to Jeus, I can't make this shit up. Why sweet, two pound, baby Jesus

Normal people would go and say hi, normal people would find a way to delude the awkwardness from the fact he hadn’t text me back, normal people wouldn’t care. I am not a normal person so I didn’t say any thing and walked right past him and went and sat back down with Jeffrey. Jeffrey always one for charm took one look at him and went

“Justine you are trying to hard and that guy is definitely not worth the effort. You can do so much better than that.”  

Jeffrey has a way with words and I have a way of disregarding the right choice. The thing is he is probably right. I know I could do better but this Skipper character has some thing about him that I like. Maybe it’s the way he makes me laugh, maybe it’s his penis, maybe it’s a whole lot of different things.

During a smoke break, one of Skippers friends (who clearly did not know who I was or the fact that I slept with Skipper) came to tell me how beautiful I was (which is always nice) and after a short conversation asked me to come meet his friends. I said no, which apparently didn’t mean any thing to said friend because he picked me up and brought me over there anyways. Why do things like this happen to me!? Did I do something in a past life to make sure I get put into the most awkward situations ever.

He introduced me to all 5 of his friends including Skipper and I just said

“ya we’ve met”

Great choice of words right? I thought so, and then I ignored Skipper and went back to hearing how pretty I was from his friend. This was a lot better then being pleasantly ignored by Skipper.

Well after 4 more drinks and decided to confront Skipper, which is always a good choice.

He stumbled out words about being drunk and that’s why he didn’t text me back (this is when you know you've picked a winner FYI), some thing about day drinking and I made it awkward by saying he could make it up to me by taking me for breakfast tomorrow. He said he would text me, I said ya right…that isn’t happening. Legit. Those words came out of my mouth. If he didn’t like me before he sure as fuck doesn’t like me now.  

He did text me the next day...saying he was to hung over to do any thing...so I was technically right. But at least he texted me?  Which leads me to my next post...

Day 45...This is why they call it work

Boss man and I have been doing so well lately. I mean, I’ve been at my current shitty office job for almost a year. I felt like we’ve made great strides in our relationships, we faced adversity, look it in the eyes and over came it together. We had been crackin’ jokes, swapping stories, you know, pretended to be interested in each others lives out side of work and for the most part he stopped screaming my name.

Until Monday. I don’t know, maybe I am pmsing, maybe he is pmsing, maybe the whole fucking world is pmsing, but it’s like we’ve taken ten steps back in our relationship.

I noticed Monday, he was grumpy, it was going to be a long day of me saying “yes” over and over again. If a person was to just record me talking all day and not actually see what I was doing, they would think I was having mind blowing sex all day (I wish). I say things like, yes, I’m coming, and hold on not yet, and just one more second, all day long and I get to hear my name screamed at me at least 20 times a day. Right? One would think that this would be the beginning of a bad porno, sadly my boss is not hot and kind of smells some times and he just wants me to do things for him all day.

Let me explain some thing to you, kind of like the coffee situation that I wrote about a couple of months ago, he does the same thing with filing. Accounts payable are in his office, so every time he pays a bill, it will sit on his desk and I file them generally all at once, once I’ve attached the bill to it so on and so forth, but some times he has just one or two random bills he will pay and I will leave the invoice on his desk, so he knows to pay it. Monday he had a random bill, he called me into his office and hands me the random bill to file. I walk the three steps to the filing cabinet and file the damn bill. That was it. I swear he just like get me to do things because he can.  What ever, fine. That’s my job, I will do it will a smile while I am screaming fuck you in my head. I was obviously busy writing a blog post. Priorities boss man.

So it doesn’t stop there, later on that day he asks me, where is such and such book? I point him towards our engineers office because that is where this book is. He tells me nope, it’s another copy and he can’t find it so if I could look for it that would be great. THIS BOOKS WAS HARDER TO FIND THAN A DAMN HORCRUX. I found it and I get  “great there’s two, where is the other one?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I found one. That’s what you get.

I went on two horcrux adventures Tuesday. For random things, I was ready to have a break down. Things that don’t even pertain to my job, random things. I am the fucking Hermione Granger of office shit so I found it, but really, let me do my work in peace.

This is on top of the brown laborer in the back that ask me to get his high school transcripts and e-mail to a university for him. I haven’t done that yet, that is not my job brown man and unless you sign my pay cheques you can go fuck yourself (that’s as nice as I can be right now)

Then…the icing on the cake. He is sitting there with a file folder and he wants me to start to whole punch them with the papers. I am watching him struggle to change the sizing on the whole punch (it was actually hilarious, I wish I could have video taped it) and he looks at me and goes “uhh do you have a glue stick?” and I have him this boggled look like what the fuck are you talking about and say no. He asks me why…he asks me why people! WHY! BECAUSE THIS ISN’T FUCKING ARTS AND CRAFTS! I AM NOT A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER I AM A FUCKING SECRETARY AND IN THE FIVE YEARS I’VE WORKED AS AN OFFICE ASSISTANT NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER NEEDED A GLUE STICK! THAT’S WHY! Sadly you can’t say things like that because you get fired and I need a pay cheque because I am already poor even with a pay cheque every two weeks. So I am off to find a glue stick and I did because...again... I am Hermione fucking Granger and I rock. I am currently suppose to be gluing tank drawings to file folders but I am done work in a half an hour and playing with a glue stick is not happening today, I am going to sit here and wonder why Skipper hasn’t texted me back and over analysis every thing I said and did when we hung out Monday instead. Soo....text me back Skipper. 

Day 43...but she says I am the most normal client she sees

I have a problem, well I don’t think it’s a problem but men do. See, the thing is, after my relationship with Kermit ended, I vowed to always be myself, my dorky, loud, awkward, tap dancing, anxiety filled, slightly depressed self. I vowed that I would be this way from the start, so there wasn’t any surprises along the way, you know like three months into a relationship and they find out that I like to tap dance while I clean like I am God damn Shirley Temple and suddenly they are weirded out and stop calling me and I’ve invested three months of dating time with this guy who doesn’t appreciate tap dancing. Well, part of being myself is being 100 percent honest, always, unless we count internet guy, and in that case I am still on my ice fishing trip and it’s going splendid, thank you for asking.

So when a guy texts me, what are you doing this afternoon, I some times reply, seeing my therapist. It’s usually followed by 

“oh know! Did you hurt your knee?” 

Then things get really awkward because I have to say, 

 "no, like a mental therapist, but she says I am the most normal client she sees, so that’s a bonus." 

Ya, see that sentence right there, guys don’t like it. Guys have a fear of crazy women and a women who sees a therapist must be the queen of crazy. She must have issues coming out of her asshole and they don’t want any thing to do with that.

But the thing is, if you have a problem with my seeing Amy Poehler, I’d rather know right away, so I can disregard my anxiety coping mechanism and kick you in the balls.

But men if you are reading this, I am going to give you a hint. Every single female has issues coming out of her asshole. We all need a therapist, I was just smart enough to get forced into seeing one. We have daddy issues, trust issues,  middle child issues, mother-in-law issues, work issues, my ex is an asshole issues, and there isn’t enough money in my bank account to buy another bottle of wine issues. We all have them, you do too, we just don’t hide ours, and have more of them. The difference between me and the girls who choose to keep their issues locked inside and blow up on you because you said you didn’t want pork for dinner is that  I deal with my issues. I am medicated, I am not going to  fly off the handle, why? Because I take drugs for that and if I want to snap I don’t because I’m learning to deal with my issues and if I do it was probably justified and you deserved it. So really, you should be happy that at least I know that women are crazy, that I am crazy, and I am dealing with it instead of keeping it in and throwing a hamburger at you or plotting your death while you sleep.

See I really think every one needs a therapist. Amy Poehler happens to be awesome. It’s like I get to take an afternoon off work once a week and go have lunch with my friend, except we don’t eat and it’s in her office, and I have to pass the person who I am fairly certain doesn’t shower every time I go in.

Day 42: Could be worse...you could be this guy

Have you ever looked at some one and thought to yourself; well it could be worse, I could be that person.

We all have that friend, family member, or person on Facebook that makes us think

“I can’t be that bad, I am definitely more together than that person.”

For me, it’s a guy I went to high school with. I didn’t really know him in high school, we had some mutual friends but I never sat down and had a conversation with this guy because you can tell from a mile away he is a mess and not a hot mess. I used to see him at the bar all the time when I was 18 and used to go three nights a week. The thing is, he still goes to the bar three days a week, maybe more, I know he takes up my newsfeed with misspelled words about getting F”CK UP WIZ HOMIE” and “BLAZEN WIZ THE BOIZ.”  Classy right?

Well, in case you are feeling down today and don’t have my number for me to send you a penis picture I am going to post a picture to make you feel better (see always giving).

Let’s look at every thing wrong with this picture, besides the obvious “Fuck it Lets Get DRUUNK”  that is written in green letters, and a random “u” thrown into drunk. His hat, it says 420, I am all for choosing what ever life style you want but maybe, just maybe, a hat that screams “I smoke a lot of weed and am going no where in life” is not the best choice. Then there are his sunglasses inside what appears to be a half finished basement that I am guessing is located in his parent’s house. It’s not that bright in there, there doesn’t even appear to be a window. Then we move onto his choice of facial hair. I am just going to give you a minute to soak in the sexiness of the “v” shape on his chin. It’s like the opposite of a flavor savor. Then we finish with the empty 26 of Jack. That he probably drank with his “homies” on a Tuesday night before heading down to the local peep show where his mother performs.

Wait I am not done. I can’t even come up with a sarcastic or condescending   comment to due the cat at the bottom of the picture justice. That poor cat. 

Day 38 to 41: Hoe into a House wife

I could tell you how my weekend involved being wrapped in Saran Wrap, being kicked off a soccer team (I quit but pretty much), getting raped in the ass by Mr.Lube (the car place, actually, this is not a metaphor I don’t do butt sex), how I cancelled the date on Sunday and the one for the concert on Tuesday with Internet guy  because he was starting to send relationship signals (if any one asks, I am on an ice fishing trip with my dad) or the wedding I attended where the bride held the knife to cut the cake just a little to tight, but instead I am going to talk to you about how for once God decided not to bitch slap me.

Saturday night I was over at Mikes house, hanging out watching a movie and decided I was going to go out and visit Dana at the self esteem boosting pub where she now works. I drove in the worlds worst driving condition, I am fairly certain I drove on the wrong side of the road for the majority of the drive, that was my dedication to alcohol that night, so you know I was desperate. Every one I called that night said the roads were too bad to go out and they were going to stay home, and by every one I mean I called my sister and I couldn’t convince Mike to come with me. But I was already at the pub so I went in by myself, now terrified from the drive into town, pissed at my sister and her lack of support and God damn I just saw a crazy lady get married before me. I needed a drink. A big one. I walk in and see some thing that only meant my night was going to end in orgasms. Is it a plane? A bird?  Free dildos? SSM? No. It was my last racquetball partner before I started dating Kermit. It was like God looked down on me for a minute and said 

“your life has been a pile of shit lately, here is a penis on a silver platter, have fun, I am sorry.”

Oh my god. It was like every thing was working out in my favor, he was with a group of guys, he asked me to come sit with them, I said not right now, but maybe later, because I really did just want to drink my drink in silence and I had to come up with a game plan to make sure the night would go in my favor. I could see him looking at me, then talk to his buddies and it was apparent they were talking about me, that’s when one guy turned around and said “hey, you know Becca right?” I knew right away who this guy was, Becca’s boyfriend. Becca is my amazing friend from college, we had both recently gone through a break up, and both enjoyed week day drinking and hated our program. We were a match made in alcoholic anonymous heaven.

 Becca was on her way to meet up with them for a drink.  So I called her and asked her how she knew Skipper (obviously his new nickname), apparently she’s known him for a while and just never remembered that they actually met several years earlier when we were first having sex and I had thrown a lingerie party and I had also talked about him multiple times while Becca and I were study partners in college.

This night was sealed with a pretty little bow, the pearly gates to orgasm land where open; angels where singing and at this point I was guaranteed to have sex. I could sit back and enjoy the rest of the night, drinking, smoking and laughing with Becca.

I ran into some people who used to work with Kermit, gossiped about Kermit and how useless he is, talked about my boobs and how big they are and how they got me a job. All in all it was glorious. Then shock settled in. I haven’t had sex since SSM, I had no plans of having sex any time in the near future, which meant taking care of my lady parts have been the last thing on my mind. I mean, it’s not a jungle, but it’s definitely not a desert or even a nicely trimmed garden. I can’t make my first encounter in three years with my racquetball partner and not be prepped and prepared.  In the bathroom I decided to ask Becca how bad it really was, she said it wasn’t THAT bad, I also flashed Dana at the bar…she also agreed it wasn’t THAT bad. When your friends say that they are lying to you, you should pick up your dignity and say God you are a spiteful ass and call it a night. Unless you are me, and in that case, you can talk yourself into almost any bad decision.

So unfortunately with enough booze you can talk to me into any thing and once he talked me into getting into the cab I was done for. Oh well, it was happening. New racquets ball partner locked and sealed. I woke up the next morning, slightly hung over and realizing I was now in a house where three guys live, made evident by the fact that I had to go to two different bathrooms to find toilet paper, there was a dirty dish beside the bed and when I went and got water in the morning, there was more beer than food. Well at least I know this one doesn’t have a girlfriend. But here is the thing; I am going to over share with you, so unless you want to know deep and very intimate details about my sex life I would just skip down to the next paragraph. * SKIP NOW* I squirt. Well when the sex is good. And the sex with him is very good, so his bed was wet and the basement floor, and maybe a few other places.

*CONTINUE TO READ* So in the morning he stated “you know next time you come over I am going to make you wash my sheets after.” Partner locked and secured, playing doubles for at least the next little while. This man is perfect, in no way shape or form does he give me the vibe that he wants a relationship and the sex is good. I have landed the perfect racquet ball partner. I am high fiving myself at this point.

But after I showered in the morning (in a bathroom that only had shampoo, definitely no girlfriend) I did some thing bad. I couldn’t help it. I guess the saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife” isn’t true; this hoe did his laundry while I waited for him to get ready to drive me home, I washed his sheets, towels and then did dishes. I couldn’t help it. I had to. My anxiety kicked in and there wasn’t any stopping it. I tried to use self control but I have zero.

Then he drove me home and he turned on his truck ( which he needs a blow box to do) and classical music came on. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. It apparently relaxes him. Where do I find these guys? He then told me what symphony it was from, I don’t know maybe he thinks this will impress girls, I would have been impressed if it was Ace of Base, not Bach’s fifth symphony. Then the hilarity continued, I had remembered that he said last time we ran into each other he text me after ( I ran into him when I was still with Kermit), but he had my old number so I never got it and some guy got pissed, he was embarrassed so this is what I texted him when he texted me after he dropped me off.

I really think I am hilarious. 

Day 37: Recap of the break up

I’ve been so wrapped up in my life that I forgot to noticed that I have been single for over a month, so in honor I am going to recap the last month of my break up from Kermit. If you read my blog every day than you will pretty much know every thing and you can just chime in tomorrow. So here is my month recap

We break up, I am a sad panda. I read It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, and so begins my sixty day journey. You should always listen to this book, even if you think that the book is stupid and you can make up your own rules to breaking up. You can’t, it always ends up this way, some people can just sever ties a week after the break up, some people 2 months, some people a year, but it has to happen in order for you to move on. They are part of your past, let yourself have happy and healthier future sooner and cut ties.

Anyways, you aren’t suppose to talk to him (or her) for sixty days, I lasted a week and caved, obviously at this point I was still delusional that he was an okay human being, when in fact he is not.  I have so many questions as to where and why things went wrong, why he wasn’t willing to make an effort (we now know it’s because he is a lazy piece of shit) but those questions remain unanswered and always will and I am okay with that at this point, mostly because I can look back and think about Jenna putting cereal in his bed and I laugh. Kermit and I have break up sex some where in there. He was actually not half bad but I may have been delusional and side tracked thinking this meant he actually loved me and wanted to sweep me off my feet and make it all up to me, turns out he was just horny and still a douche bag. Kermit’s grandma passes away and it’s sad and the beginning of the longest morning period for a grandparent ever starts,  you would have thought she was Mother Teresa, thus begins my annoyance and the slow separation of my love for marriage and my love for him. (I know that makes me sound bitchy, but you can go back and read the post about it and you will agree with me). Christmas happens in there too, my dad smoked a joint on Christmas, coupon queen got mad, my sister organized games for Christmas morning, I shopped a lot, and Abby and Jade come for a visit and I realize the lack of suitable men to date.

Then, I meet a guy on New Years, now known as SSM. His face is meh and he may have had a girlfriend but you will be to busy looking at his stomach to even notice his face and I don’t know what his girlfriend did but she was dumb not to keep that penis on lock down. You find a penis like that and you don’t let it go.  You will also be distracted by his huge penis, seriously, I have a picture, I wont post it (even though I want to), but you know how to get a hold of me if you need some cheering up. On that note, no one should ever send me a picture of their genitals because when ever any one is having a bad day, I just send them the picture of SSM penis. You’d be surprised how much it actually cheers people up. I am always giving.  Any ways, I may have projected my feelings for Kermit onto SSM, may have scared him away, but not before we had sexual relations. Mind. Blown. Huge wake up call that I just spent the last two and half years having poor to mediocre sex with Kermit when I could have been having good to mind blowing sex.

At this point Kermit and I have moved on, had a talk, no longer trying to work things out and just going to be friends. I am a happy camper. Until I decide that I can have a couple drinks with some friends on a Friday night. I hadn’t had a drink through out our whole break up. Which I highly recommend because you make poor choices when you are drunk, at least I do. So I drunk dial Kermit and ask him why he hurt me so much. He hangs up the phone, I continue my quest to find answers the next day, and thus leads to the fight that ended our “friendship” and lead us to know where we are not on talking terms.

That is it. All wrapped up in four paragraphs. It seems so simple, break up, cry, go back, cry, rebound sex, fight to end friendship, break up finalized. All in thirty sum days, I have made huge changes, I have a sense of relief that I know longer have to make some one else happy before I am happy. I can chase my own dreams, I can do things for me, I can focus on me, I don’t need to cover up my feelings with drugs and alcohol, and I can just be happy, move on in a healthy way. I can look back and say it was for the best, I can look back and say, at this point I wish the best for Kermit, but I hope the best is a bad case of crabs and ending up in living in a trailer with a wife named Gertrude, who is 300 pounds and used to have a penis. But I am happy. I made myself happy, I didn’t need him, and while I can’t say I have moved on completely and am ready to date, if there is any suitable men out there, I am ready to let go of him and have hot sex.  So that’s it, I am half way there and feel amazing about it, I can let go of every thing, start the next process and focus on me… This is my last time I am going to end my post like this because he isn’t who I am writing to any more, I am writing for me, I am living for me and it feels good. So on that note

Love your ex girlfriend. 

Day 36: Ellen and World Domination

I really don’t have a lot to say today. I’m sick of talking about men, I am generally sick of men. I am also sick of eharmony taking up my Facebook news feed since I’ve become single. I don’t remember liking their page, yet they keep sending me news feeds about how easy is it to find love. I am not looking for love, I tried love and it was the shits. For the record, even if I was looking, it isn’t easy.

So instead of talking about men, I am going to chat about how you should all subscribe to my page and some one with more ambition than I have today should make a Facebook page, so that every one can enjoy my horrible spelling, bad stories and hilarious life. Once my Facebook domination has taken over I will get on Ellen.  I love Ellen and I will dance with her one day, preferable to either “sexy back” or “fat bottom girls.” Those are my requests

Now for a list of reasons I should get to be on Ellen  World domination – the world needs to know me. I am like a  reformed Charlie Sheen,  with a touch of Rebel Wilson, a more sarcastic Chelsea Handler and a more awkward Jennifer Lawrence package with a Klhoe Kardashian ass

• ·         My dance moves – seriously, between my tap dancing skills and my high kicks I can bust a move with the best of them. I’ll even make sure to wear underwear so I don’t flash my cooter
• ·         I am down for any thing – it’s probably not one of my best qualities but people are like “hey we should do …” and every one is all like “hell no that is scary and dangerous” and I am like “I’m down, lets get this shin dig on.” Unless it’s anal sex, I am never down for that shin dig
• ·          I am all about giving back just like Ellen – in the form of giving people the gift of me then using that power to help those less fortunate. Unfortunately I am currently in the category of “those less fortunate”
• ·         I need a new car – I can only see out of half my windshield because Kermit cracked the other half and I don’t have a tail light because I am poor. Also my car likes to change RMP’s without me knowing it’s hard to explain but let me tell you…it isn’t good
• ·         I love Ellen – I think this women is awesome. I could go on about why but since grade 12 when I made my school schedule so that I could watch Ellen every day at 11 I have loved Ellen. She dances, she’s funny, she has a huge heart for people and animals, and she is proud of who she is and didn’t change for any one. I really love me some Ellen. 

Well There you have it folks, my lack of effort today means some one needs to get me a Facebook page so I  can start on my quest to world domination. 

Love your ex girlfriend, you'll be mad when the whole world knows you as Kermit when I become famous

Day 35: Even Peoples Pets Are Having Babies

I was sitting at work, reflecting on my relationship with Kermit, wondering why I held on so long, why I let myself put up with a relationship that was clearly broken, why I thought I could remain friends with him, why I thought I could throw out all the break up rules and create my own. That’s when it clicked, I thought to myself, maybe I was so in love with the idea of marriage and happily ever after that I stayed even when I didn’t want to. I mean I tried to leave a few times before I left and came back when the bed got cold and lonely. Hell even when I packed my bags I held onto the dream that he would come and rescue me; run in on a white horse, tell me he loves me, I am beautiful and he wants to be with me forever. I held onto dreams of never having to go on a bad date, never RSVP single, plan a wedding, I wasn't holding onto him, I was holding onto what he represented, even if we were wrong for each other on so many levels.

Then I thought how disgusting is that and when did I turn into that person. Gross. Yuck. Never again. This is why you don’t get married before 25... or 30... why do people even get married? I know one person who has a great relationship and that’s my sister and her husband. That’s it. Out of all my friends, family, acquaintances, people I know but don’t “know,” I know two people who I can say to myself, wow they have an awesome relationship, even behind closed doors, I am really jealous.  I know people who make it work, who are good together for right now but will they stay together forever? Probably not, most people I know that are in relationships wont make it another year. Yet all these little relationship status changes pop on my news feed every day, “in a relationship” to “engaged”. People who are so wrong for each other it is outrageous.  These people are getting married because they have a child together, because they want to do what’s right, because they don’t know how to be by themselves, because they have an idea in their head of what perfect is and it includes being married. This people I want to punch in the face the same way I wish some one would have punched me in the face and woke me up from my marriage coma.

That’s when I got a text from Kristen.

“not only is an overwhelmingly large number of people having children or getting married in my news feed to remind me how single I am, but even peoples pets are having babies. This is getting ridiculous.”

And it is. Most of my friends are under 25. Maybe it’s the culture of living in Shitville Alberta but girls are having babies, giving up and settling for men that should remain single forever for the amount of douche they are. I get the appeal of getting a wedding and having kids but once you get there, it's not as much fun. Or it least it doesn't look fun to me. Screaming children, cheating husbands or wives, couples counselling ..it all sounds go great. So while Kristen is worried about her single status, I am not. I am giving myself a huge high five and a shouting a big "HELL YA!"
I may have done a lot of things wrong in my relationships but I snapped out of it and came to the realization that holding onto a relationship, covering it with wedding plans, babies and building a future doesn't make your relationship less awful. I am know longer jealous of those people who cover up their relationship with happy faces.It’s like when you tan, your cellulite may look better brown but the dimples are still there, the only way to get rid of it is get your ass off the couch and into the gym or in dating, you get yourself out of a bad relationship and back into the dating pool, so that some one who is actually worth your time, gets your time. Or spend time on yourself, basically any thing but waste time on a relationship that's not going any where. So that leads me to this…

I have a date Tuesday. Aren't we all proud of me. With a guy. Who’s name isn't Kermit or SSM. Although I really wish it was SSM because then maybe, I could touch his penis again or his stomach. I would lick chocolate off that stomach.  But back to my date.

It came from a dating website and I am not proud of that part. Oh god. Here we go again, countless bad first dates, awkward meetings and even more awkward casual run ins. He doesn't pick up on my witty banter as well as I’d like but he has a full time job and a house which is a step up from Kermit (any thing is a step up from him at this point). But here’s the part I like, he takes an interest in me, I say I plays soccer, he asks to come watch me play. Some thing Kermit never ever did once. I would ask him to come watch, he would say sure I’ll come, but he never asked me once if he could come watch me play. Also this guy listens to what I say, he asks me what kind of music I like, I tell him, (you know like how normal people have conversations), and he suggested going to a concert this Tuesday because a band I like is playing.  Also some thing Kermit would have never done. The only time he took me anywhere was when we first started dating and he took me to this little town 4 hours away, didn’t book a hotel (although I told him to) and we had to back track an hour and a half away to the nearest hotel. He also told me that weekend that he thought my friends were hot, not me, my friends. Why do I continually ignore red flags. Oh ya, that dream of happily ever after, but you aren't actually happy. We did a few trips other than that but mostly they were trips to see his mother, or sister and any dates I ever wanted to go on I had to suggest, plan, and book. If it involved spending money he could never afford it in the winter and in the summer he never had time, so our date nights where often bad restaurants or a movie, if I was really lucky both. Romantic weekend away? Never. Romantic night away? Nope. Flowers from the grocery store? Occasionally.

This new guy also seems a lot more out going. After saying that yes, I would go to this concert, but I was bringing pepper spray and my friends will have his license plate number and I have 911 on speed dial, he said to make sure I add ear plugs to my list of things to bring, because the only protection I will need are ear plugs for his bad singing and maybe blinders so I don’t have to see his dance moves. So he is fun? Some thing Kermit was not either. I was out going, I would sing and dance and he would sit in a chair, with his arms folded, looking like he was having the worst time of his life. Some thing I just got used to and ignored because after asking a million times if he had fun and getting yep, it just wasn’t worth asking or worrying about.

So all in all, I am looking forward to this date, but I also have to make it clear to new guy that I am in no way shape or form looking for a new relationship or a serious relationship. Mostly because although I think I am ready to move on from Kermit, I haven’t. I think that this is a step in the right direction, maybe not. I could be wrong. I am usually wrong when it comes to relationships. But I will keep making you read my ideas and pretending like I have a clue. But the more important question is what is the right outfit for a first date where you are going to a concert? Mmmmm. 

Love your ex girlfriend who doesn't need to get married to be happy

Day 34: 12 Things I Learned in 2012

2012 was a year for huge changes and only Fifteen days late I am going to reflect on twelve life lessons I learned this year.

  Never lose yourself in a relationship – 

if it’s one thing I learned from Kermit it’s that I will never put some ones hopes and dreams above mine.  I will support you but if it means holding myself back and giving up a part of me I will leave. I will put myself above all else

Relationships and people change and you need to let them go 

people come into you’re a life for a reason and all that jazz. I can tell you that this year has brought me closer to certain people, people I want in my life forever, people who love and care for me and have become a part of me. Some of those people are a million miles away, and some our ten minutes away from me. At the same time I let go of a lot of toxic relationships this year. I don’t deal well with change but I am learning to let go and let the past be the past

Failing is a part of life 

from a failed event to relationships, I had a lot of failures last year but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try again. It means you have to learn from your mistakes and keep trying

 It’s okay to ask for help 

 I hate asking for help, hate it. I should be able to deal with every thing and any thing but the truth is you can’t and asking for help doesn't mean you've failed it just means you need help

Give people a second chance 

 People make mistakes, it happens, give them a chance to make amends but I’ll be damned if you screw me over more than twice

 Take time for yourself 

The thing with Kermit is I was usually putting his needs first and mine second. I never took time for things I wanted to do and it’s probably what I regret most. I went from being an independent women to some one who was needy and just wanted to make her boyfriend happy. Yuck. I hate those people. I became one of those people. Some one should have hit me.

 Communication is key 

from my job to friendships one of the biggest things I took away from 2012 is that a conversation can save a job, relationship, or friendship. There were points were I wish I would have communicated with people about how I felt and there were times when I did and it didn’t make a difference and times when it did. Either way you need to voice how you feel, people can’t read minds. Also you have to do it effectively. Telling some one “you are a fucking lunatic” is not healthy communication. Although some times it’s needed

Pay your bills first then party 

 I am still working on this but wine is just so good. It’s some thing my dad has told me for most of my adult life, for some reason I never listened. I would get paid on Friday, spend my money partying then not have enough money for gas to get to work. Don’t do that. Unless you don’t mind hooking for gas money. Then by all means, party away you crazy hooker.

 Don’t make excuses for people  

I have this annoying quality where I believe the best in the people I care about. I just want every one I love to get along and sing and dance and hold hands. Usually it bites me in the ass, because some people are shitty people and I choose to ignore that. I let them take advantage of me, walk all over me, put myself second. Well 2013 I am not doing that this year. I will not make excuses for people being awful people.

It’s OK to cry 

The coupon queen is a tough lady. I have so much respect for every thing she has been through in her life. She has had a hard life and in a way its made her hard. I never felt like I could cry in front of her or any one. I would keep it in and not let any one know I was hurt. You can’t do that. It’s okay to cry some times but you also have to know when to pull up your big girl panties and get the fuck over it cause no body likes a whiny little bitch.

 Your family is there for you know matter what 

 I hands down have the best family and moving away from them showed me just how much I value them and their crazy antics. From tap dancing with my sister to working out with my dad to crying in front of my mom, my family is my rock. That includes my close friends, who I know I can lean on no matter what. I’d like to think I have 5 sisters, two brothers and a mom and dad. But I don’t think some of them are actually crazy enough to be part of my family.

Don’t over trust that fart 

 I’m not going to explain this one…I think you get what I am saying 

My dating rules

My love for Kristen is never ending. We are both recently single and both share the same opinion on men. Generally, men are stupid, and women, even more so.  But men seriously need a dating book on how to date without coming off as crazy. Women get plagued with the crazy label if we send one to many text messages or say some thing like “I like hanging out with you.”  We say that we like hanging out with you and you automatically read that she loves you and wants to have your babies and has planned your wedding and named your kids. Wrong, we haven’t, we just generally like spending time with you, and wouldn’t mind if we kept hanging out with you.

Women get labeled with crazy, clingy, stalker, or emotionally unstable at the drop of a hat. It’s true women probably obsess way more then men do, read into things way more than men do but we keep those things to our selves, why? Because we know we are fucking crazy and it’s time men knew they were fucking crazy too.

I recently signed up for plenty of fish. I gave this guy my number, first thing he texts me, send me a picture of yourself. Uh, how about no, I am not sending you a naked picture of myself because I am not 18 and stupid any more. So delete him, never replied. I then received FOUR messages from him, that’s not including the six text messages over the course of two days. That is a total of TEN messages. TEN! That went along the lines of “baby?” “why aren’t you texting me back?” “I just want to see your beautiful face” “please respond.” AND YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY! No. Men are fucking crazy. A women wouldn’t send a text message after hers wasn’t replied to. At least a sane women wouldn’t.  A women would know that it would be crossing those lines from friends to crazy stalker.

Well Friday night Kristen met a guy at the bar. They shared a couple drinks, some casual conversation and a dance. That was it. He is now texting her telling her how compatible they are.  You have no idea if you are compatible. You’ve known her for a night, a drunk night.  Soul mates you are not.

Men. This is not okay. If you are trying to weird out a girl, then by all means, ignore my advice. Not all women want to fall in love the first time meeting, most women know the difference between casual sex, friends and potential relationships. If the women actually has feelings for you she isn’t going to sleep with you until well into the dating process.  Why? Because she doesn’t want it to be just sex and we know that if we give it up within the first couple dates that’s what it will be. So men, please pick up a dating book, hold back your crazy like women do and simmer the fuck down. It’s annoying. You can give me some bullshit of not wanting to play games but you have to.  There has to be a little mystery, a little wonder and a lot left to the imagination so that women can imagine that you aren’t a crazy, controlling, dick like most men turn out to be.

And women, for fuck sakes, don’t be crazy when it comes to dating, you are giving us a bad name. You have lots of time to be crazy once you are in the relationship and even more time once you are out of the relationship to be crazy with your ex but in your dating process stop giving us women who know what the fuck we are doing a break. You’re killing me boo.

I am going to give you my dating advice in point form, spell it out for you…

1.       Do not reply to every text message right away. If you are busy, you are busy. You don’t need to take your phone with you every where in case he texts. When you are at the gym, you are at the gym. Do not loose yourself, you have a life, live it. He asks you to hang out and you already have plans? Re-schedule. Your friends have been there for you, don’t bail on them for some new guy you just met. Trust me if they like you, they will find another time, that works for both of you.

2.       They don’t reply right away? Good. It means they are busy, doing things, they aren’t in a relationship with you, you don’t have to have a constant update about their life.

3.       If they do not reply right away it is NEVER, I mean NEVER, okay for you to bombard them with text messages. Guess what, if they were busy when you texted them ten minutes ago, they are probably still busy, they will reply when they have time.

4.       If they don’t seem interested, they probably aren’t. We have all been there, a guy or girl is giving you one or two word text message replies (all the time) they aren’t into you. Save yourself some dignity. Loose their number, if they miss you, they will text you. If not, what ever, some one else out there will want to talk to you, hopefully.

5.       Be fun…Have you ever gone out on a date with a person who doesn’t really talk and is boring? Ya, well I have and guess what, it’s boring. If you are shy, get over it, be a little fun and it will go a long way.

6.       This is for men but be a gentlemen. Open the door, pull out her chair, compliment her. It will go a long way. No a compliment is not “your tits look great in that dress.” She knows her tits look great in it, that’s why she picked it.

7.       Women, put some effort into how you look on your date. If you act like a lady, he will treat you like a lady. And if he doesn’t, kick him in the balls and say good day.

8.       Do not be a skanky hoe, do not imply sex within the first … ten dates. Do not have a drunken night that could lead to sex, have a couple drinks, sure, but do not get all sloppy within the first couple dates where you are really getting to know some one. Trust me, I know this from experience. Now this doesn't apply if you are looking for some casual sex or friends with benefits. Those are completely different rules that we can go over at a later time. But if you like the guy and he likes you, don't be a hoe.

9.       Do not start planning your future until he’s put a ring on it. Don’t just don’t. Save yourself the heart break. By all means, ask yourself, could I spend the rest of my life with him? But do not start picking out center pieces. I also know this from experience.

10.   Be confident, sassy and a little bit bad assy.

This one is more of a general statement, but do not ignore the red flags. Women we are particularly good at this. Oh four kids with four different women? All four of his ex’s are crazy, it’s not his fault. YOU ARE WRONG! Oh, he doesn’t have a job in the winter? I am sure he is a really hard worker! WRONG! HE IS LAZY! Oh, he only puts coke up his nose once in a while? WRONG! Run. If you don't like some thing about him in the start of the relationship you will hate it six months in, despise it a year in and want to kill him for it by the second year.

The same can be said for men. Oh she is 19 and I am 28, she seems so mature! WRONG! Oh she texted me forty times with out me replying? She must just be worried about me! WRONG. Oh she made out with my best friend I am sure there tongues just had a secret to share about how much they loved me! WRONG WRONG WRONG!

There. That’s my dating advice. Although, I don’t know if I am the best person to take advice from. I have been on a lot of dates, it’s really the steps once you are in a relationship that I have a hard time with.