The Unknown

No one really seems to give you any warning into how hard your early twenties are, that’s how this whole blog started, because I was lost (see title “lost and perplex” I am both of those), I am lost, probably more so than I was when I started this blog, the only difference is I’ve learned to cope with it the impending doom you feel in your twenties because nothing is going as planned.

At least 6 months ago, I was sure I was with the man I wanted to marry and I was very excited and certain that I wanted to start planning weddings...for the whole world. I could give you a million facts about weddings, tell you the trends and everything right and wrong about peoples weddings. As of today, I am glad, so glad that things didn’t work out with Kermit. As for the wedding planning, there is something about having your heart broken that makes you rethink the idea of planning a wedding when you think love is a sham. From wedding planning I went to event planning but that would mean me leaving Shitville, and well, I like it here, I like having my family and friends close, I like the city and I’d like to stay here. So I am back at square one. That’s the thing about your early twenties, nothing even goes according to the plan you had at 18 or 20 or even yesterday. We can plan life out but you can’t plan the external factors, like getting into school even when you’ve given it everything you had in you, you can’t change that your relationship failed, you can’t change the fact that sometimes things just don’t work out the way you wanted too, no matter how good your plan was or how badly you wanted it to work. You can't take back choices you made, but you can learn from them and not make them twice, hopefully 

 

Or you can be like me and you just don’t have a plan and the plan you did have went to complete shit.

 

I never had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life other than make money and lots of it, that’s my goal, to have a lot of money. Money makes me happy. There are unrealistic ideas, things I’d be good at that just wouldn’t work out, like becoming famous the same way Snooki did then get a book deal and a clothing line. I could do that, my life is entertaining. Or have a talk show, like Chelsea Handler, not only does she have a midget but she drinks a lot and just makes fun of people and talks to them, both of those things I am good at, and I really like midgets and people generally like talking to me. My talk show would have more interruptive dance though, so it would be like if Chelsea and Ellen had a child, I would be that child. People have always had an easy time talking to me about their problems, it’s probably what I am best at, solving other people’s problems, ironic because I suck at solving my own. But they don’t just give people talk shows, I can just be like HEY EVERYONE! I’m on The View now! And sit my ass down to Whoppi Goldberg. But if I ever did I would ask her to sing a song from Sister Act with me.

 

How people decide what they want to do with THEIR WHOLE LIFE baffles me. Did they wake up one morning and go yep...I  would like to be a nurse and clean up blood and poop all day, or did they go nope poops not for me, let’s take accounting, I was good at math. The thing that stops me from settling is the idea that I have to do this for most of my adult life, if I am going to do something I want to be excited to go to work and not count down the days till I can take a holiday or dread going to work in the morning but whatever I choose I need to make a lot of money doing it. So basically I am still looking but you can’t just google cool jobs or fun jobs and find a match, I’ve tried. I’ve also taken many career tests, those don’t seem to point me in any direction either, they often tell me business or finance or accounting, I tried all of those, not for me. There are things that I look at and would think hey I could do that! Like a sex therapist, except I don’t really know what they do, but I can openly talk about sex and relationships and I enjoy it, I enjoy solving peoples relationships problems, but the whole going back to school for the next ten years scares the pants off of me. The speed that life passes you by is astonishing, it seems like you wait forever to turn 16 then 18 and then 21...after 21 life gets put on fast forward and you have no time to figure stuff out and all the time you thought you had is suddenly up and the daily reminders that you don’t have anything figured out from your friends on Facebook is just a knife to the spleen. They are getting married, having kids, buying houses, traveling the world, and I’m just sitting here like, check me and my bad ass office job out, is it the weekend yet so I can have a drink?

 

But then I remember we are in are twenties, those people who have it all figured out now probably don’t and if they do they seem to hit 40 and realize holy shit there was a whole list of things I never did, I got married too young, I had kids to young, I’ve worked at this job for my whole life and I hate it...life is crap that way. You don’t get all the answers, there isn’t a play book to let you know you are making the right or wrong choice, you can just make the best choice you can with the information you are given and occasionally we make the choice that isn’t the best for us or things don’t work out the way we wanted them too. But life goes on and we get over the bumps, the disappointment and the unknown becomes known and the disappointment turns into a learning experience. I’ve stopped worrying about my future, I’ve stopped talking a million career tests in hopes that they have the answer because at some point it will work out. At least it better. In the mean time if you want to tell me cool job ideas I’d be open to that or if you think you can get me a talk show that would also be cool.

 

My point is, your 20’s are hard, give yourself a break, give me a break. It’s a constant competition to see who will appear more successful, more together, more grown up, but there are those of us who are willing to stand up and say I don’t have it together, my dreams didn’t work out, I don’t have a plan for the future and that’s okay because you can’t plan your future. You just can’t. You can try and maybe it will work for a while, but that’s the fun part of life, it’s the adventure of the unknown.

Beer Olympics

You know what happens when all your friends have babies? Suddenly it's not acceptable to play flip cup and beer pong during the day and they look at you with judging eyes when you suggest beer Olympics. It’s Easter weekend, meaning the whole world...maybe not the whole world? Maybe just Alberta gets the Good Friday off? I’d imagine most of Europe and the States celebrate Easter too...I don’t know...but the majority of people in MY world get Friday off. In college that would have meant a good old fashion beer Olympics or some form of day drinking and people would be generally excited for this event! Now people don’t want to spend their Friday playing beer pong and flip cup and I am disappointed in my friends. Even Mike, who is always down, has declined, he has prior engagements. I don’t know how or when anything became more important than drinking with me but it did. I am all for being a grown up and acting responsible during the week, I generally save all my drinking and bad choices for the weekend but Fridays off do not happen often and why oh why is no one willing to take advantage of that with me! I am just ready to put on some snow pants and a jacket and do activities while drinking.

I’ve put thought into this too, list of activities my Winter Beer Olympics would include:

Beer pong

Beer hunt – like an Easter Egg hunt but with beer that you have to find, the team that wins the most wins, but you have to chug all the beers you find!

Flip cup- obviously in teams

Beer darts

Beer Straw

Chuboggan – chugging and toboggan into one activity called chuboggan, basically I just wanted to race on a GT Racer and then chug beer

I even used logic when trying to convince my friends, Jesus turned water to wine, we are celebrating Jesus and chocolate this weekend, what better way to celebrate than Beer Olympics? The ultimate outcome of beer Olympics would involve some one dressed as Jesus and someone dressed as a bunny! DOES THAT SOUND AWESOME! Now if only my friends would share in this awesome idea I have.

Terrible Date Tuesday: Am I drunk yet?

I’m a talkative person, I can generally talk to anyone at any time, I have no problem walking up to strangers and talking to people, so maybe that’s why I hate people who are so quiet. What I hate even more are people who choose to do all their conversing through text message. I get that it is easier to be brave over text, you can hide behind your little cell phone or computer and be a chatty Kathy! It’s for that reason I really strongly feel that when it comes to dating your text conversation should be kept to a minimum. I feel like it makes an awkward situation when you can spend a week getting to know every detail of some ones pathetic life only to sit down and go on a date with them and have these awkward silences filled with not really knowing what to say or do. So how goes your brothers fight against genital heries that you felt the need to tell me about over text message? See...awkward.

Mchottie and I met in Mexico, in a drunken state mind you, but we did spend some time sober together. He was sweet and charming, not really all that funny, but he was alright. We could hold a conversation. I met up with him again when he was in Alberta for lacrosse provincials, then after Kermit and I broke up we began our month long, text and talk every day. I knew everything about him, we would spend hours talking on the phone, I would talk to him about Amy Pohler, life, and he would talk about work, lacrosse, different things he did on the weekend. Our conversations were similar to what couples talk about when they are trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I had low expectations of what would happen once I was there, I knew what I wanted, him to pay for me to go to Toronto (yep...I’m a gold digger, judge all you want), have a weekend with friends and drinks and that would be it, we would slowly taper off.

But once I got there everything just seemed wrong, he was arrogant, unlikeable, and bossy. The weekend as a whole was not good, there were good parts, but I just don’t think you can start the weekend off with is in my top 3 worst dinner dates and come back from that. He picked me up at the airport, we drove back to his house and got ready to go for dinner. I am not a jacket person, people always comment on it, but I just don’t like wearing them, never really have, so while leaving the house he said, go get your jacket. I am a grown ass women, if I wanted a jacket I would have grabbed one, I am not five please don’t talk to me like I am a child. I say I will be fine, he tells me he won’t leave until I grab one. OKAY DAD! I grab my jacket, we leave. He parks a million miles away, I guess it is Toronto, and we walk to the restaurant. I make a note that it’s colder in Toronto than it was in Red Deer. He looks at me and goes...ya...aren’t you glad I made you take your jacket. No I am not ass muncher! I would have been fine and if I was cold I wouldn’t have told you because I am stubborn like that. Automatically I am in a bad mood, but hunger probably had something to do with it, see I’d been flying all day so I had eaten a bagel on my way to the airport at about 7 in the morning. It was now 7 o’clock in Toronto. I am not one of those girls that doesn’t eat on the contraire, I eat, I like to eat, and that’s why I drag my ass to the gym every day, so I was hungry. We arrived at the restaurant at 7 o’clock on a Friday night, unless you are Kim K and Kayne or someone with the equivalent amount of fame you are going to be waiting to get at table. He starts saying how hungry he is, over and over and over again. No shit jack ass, we are both hungry, hence why we are going to eat, stop complaining. He starts commenting on which people are finished eating and not leaving their table in a timely manner, you’re right, they are sitting there enjoying each other’s company, which is exactly the opposite of what I am doing now.

We sit down and thus commences the awkward silence and the awkward, what are you getting...oh I’m not sure what are you getting, conversation. I hate that conversation, it's forced and just makes things feel uncomfortable, because you know if that comes up it usually means you have nothing better to talk about. We decide by the time the waiter comes around for drinks...well he decided and I was forced to make a fast decision because he was hungry. They bring out a starter salad shortly after that. I said starter salad, not some big salad that has all this stuff, it a small salad with lettuce and cucumbers. He finishes his quickly and I continue to eat mine, when I am about half way done MY STARTER SALAD, he looks at me and says...wow you were hungry, you are eating a lot. IT WAS A FUCKING STARTER SALAD!!!!!!! Every childhood memory of being called fat comes flashing through my mind, the time the girl didn’t invite me to her birthday because she didn’t want a fat kid to eat all her birthday cake, the time the boy didn’t like me because I was fat, the soccer coach who told me I’d be an amazing soccer player...if I could only lose 20 pounds, all those repressed memories of being the fat kid came flashing back. Our meal comes...I didn’t eat it. I couldn't I was sent back to that 10 year old version of myself, the one who was to scared to eat in front of people and was so self conscious she would wear a hoody every single day, even if it was 30 degrees out side. But I watched him eat his meal...all of...maybe you are the over eater fatty, and drank three glasses of wine in the mean time. So now I am a drunk, hungry, angry mess. 

Our conversation picked up once I started drinking more and we are talking about the mountains and how I love them, he says he went there once with another friend and two girls but they mostly just stayed in the hotel...yes...my friends...I am no idiot. He brought another girl to the mountains for a weekend and was choosing to talk about it in front of me. I didn't tell you about the time I went to the mountain with my ex boyfriend, I don't want to hear about your romantic weekend away either, but thanks.  He can tell I am about to rip his head off so he says lets change the topic. After I pointed out he brought up his weekend getaway I say I really don’t care because I am sure there were girls before me and there will be girls after me! Just like there were guys before him and there will be guys after. I have no filter; I have no ambition to be nice when I am tried, hungry and apparently an overeater. This starts our first fight. I am mean, I just have the ability to hold it in most of the time but not when I fight because I will cut you down in every way possible. But I have to spend a weekend with this man and I don't want him to go all Ted Bundy on me, so I just get up and leave in the middle of him getting mad at me and come back and say ready to go? I figured at that time it was my best option. We walk back to the car and he asks what I want to do...drink more so I can pretend to like you. Except I can't say that so I suggest we meet up with his friends for a drink because I'm not really tired. So upon arrival I made friends with one of his, and I drink. He was more pleasant, he was funny and actually carried a conversation with me, shocking concept I know. I could tell Mchottie was getting annoyed, I had just spent he last hour pleasantly ignoring him but letting him buy my drinks. Just what I wanted.

He drags me home at 12 and by that point I can almost tolerate him, thanks to my early choice to switch to hard alcohol, some times wine just doesn't cut it. That’s pretty much how my weekend went, get drunk so I like you...ahh I am sober...I HATE YOU MUST GET DRUNK!

That “date” night was definitely the top worst ones of my life, partly because he sucks, but a lot of it was because I knew that I had to spend the rest of the weekend with him so there wasn't an escape...the shocking part was, he said it went perfect...do men lie? Because the common thing about all horrible dates, is that the women is saying oh my god never again! While the man thinks it went awesome...oh dating...how awesome are thee

A Successful Weekend

So what happens when you have a date with your father to go see a hockey game and you run into people from high school and decide to go to the dirty with every one after? Success. That is what happens.

Jeff and I went to a hockey game Friday night, it’s nice to know your date for Friday night is your father, it makes you feel special. Anyways, I ran into Mike and a bunch of people from high school and an old family friend, we took our night to the dirty, obviously my suggestion and the amount of class that is produced at this pub is outrageous, really, you will never find a classier establishment. Jeff, being the classy man he is ran into another friend upon arrival (he has classy friends) and I was sitting at a table alone, drinking my drink, watching this man hug this girl and he won’t stop looking at me, like this man isn’t even blinking, and I know he was looking at me because the only other person in our area was a 300 pound man who looked like he hadn’t showered in ages. I think to myself...oh great, here we go. I was right. He walked over to me and asked me to join him and his blonde “friend” for a drink, I turned around to look at her and she waved and winked. Now the last time someone attempted to pick me up for a 3 sum I was 19 and was so drunk I couldn’t have even told you my name, I was neither of those things, so I politely declined and stated I was just here with my father. He walked away. That lasted all of 5 minutes, he came back...this man obviously didn’t get my subtle rejection, so I said, listen, I am here with my father, that man right there, who is big, bald and a little scary, I’m good, have a good night. He leaves...my dad comes back and his friend shows up. We are sitting there discussing the hockey game when the girl comes over. GIRLFRIEND ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I introduce her to MY FATHER and his friend. Still not picking up the hint that I do not want to talk to her, or him, and I especially don’t want to talk to either of them (and by talk I mean fuck). She starts telling me how she just got off work and he is drunk and if I could help her “tag team” (her words not mine) him for the night and she would buy my drinks. As tempting as a gansta in a sideways baseball cap is, I declined. Most fathers would have stepped in, right? Mine thought it was hilarious. Like absolutely fucking hilarious. Great.

After a few drinks I decide to text Melvin, good idea right? Well actually, it was! TAKE THAT! A bad choice that turned out good! Take that! He called he was on his way home from work and said he would meet me for a drink...until I said I was with my dad and a bunch of my friends...I’m not sure if it was the fact that he would have had to sit there in between me and Dana or sit there between m, Dana and my dad, but he didn’t come for a drink...but he did throw the idea out that if I wanted to come over once I was done that would be okay. I was drinking with my father, one can’t exactly be like “oh hey dad, I was just booty called...gotta go love you!” So what did I do...I put on my thinking cap! Dana was going to get donairs so I caught a ride with her to go get some meaty goodness smothered in sweet sauce (don’t be gross, I’m still talking about donairs). I strolled into his house at 2 in the morning two donairs in hand; if that isn’t the best booty call in the world I don’t know what is. Except I was drunk and we all know I make the best choice after a couple of drinks, so I figure it’s a good idea to get answers to all my questions, questions like, why oh why would you kiss me when you knew how complicated it was...his answer...you are too beautiful, I had to. Good answer, a little bit of a cop out...but I like being showered in compliments so I’ll take it. Then I explained that I was scared that he wanted to keep us a secret and I confused to what this actually was...my brain just couldn’t tell me mouth to shut up, I kept talking and talking, which is probably exactly what he wanted at 3 in the morning. But he answered them, for the most part, he has a knack for dodging serious questions and topics...but I feel better about whatever the hell the last month has been.

We finally ended up in his bedroom when my phone starts ringing. Now last Sunday when I was having a drink with Mike, we discussed answering your phone in the middle of hooking up. He said he had done it before and I was absolutely shocked! WHO DOES THAT!? I mean, I make questionable life choices but that one, that’s an interesting choice and I’m surprised he didn’t get slapped across the face. But that’s probably why we are best friends. We do awesome things when we drink. We always make responsibly, educated choices and seep awesome.  But he told me that if he ever called me in the middle of.... that I was to answer his phone call. So what does that mother fucker do to me...he calls me. I hear his ring tone; I panic in my head...dear Jesus do I answer? Can I really do that? No, ignore it...but he will be some kind of mad if I don’t. I know he will call me back and he will scream “Handerson, answer my fucking phone call you whore bag!” So I make a panic decision, which are never my best decisions, but it’s really a tossup because I am pretty sure Mike had left with this amazing girls (really, she is my new drinking partner! She is hilarious) a couple hours before so now I am worried something happened to him! I say just hold on and answer the phone, that’s right folks. I answered my phone. I did it. HA! Mike goes where are you...I say I’m at Melvin’s what do you want...he just wanted to chat, at 3 in the morning. Splendid, let’s chat Mike, it couldn’t wait till the morning? Melvin is slowly getting more annoyed, I get off the phone do some serious damage control and resume. He’s not happy but I wouldn’t be either, I mean it probably doesn’t look very good that I am getting a phone call at 3 in the morning from another guy, what can I say? I make good choices.

I left in the morning feeling a little better about this situation. I still don’t exactly get what I think is going to happen or what this is but this whole not panic go with the flow thing is still kind of working. So that’s my successful weekend. I seriously hope yours was less eventful.

Conversation between my heart and my head & why I will be single forever

I give up on dating, men, and sex. I am going to become a nun, if they’ll take me...they probably won’t. They’ll take one look at my Facebook page and know that I am on the fast track to hell. Heaven help me if they take a look at the list of men I’ve slept with that sits on Dana’s fridge...they would drown me in holy water and that probably still wouldn’t save me from my sins.

Abby called me last night while I was wallowing in self pity. We talked about how useless we both are when it comes to dating, how pathetic it is to let one guy dictate so many of your feelings and how it is even more pathetic  when you are sure they don’t care. I am talking about Skippers brother...who’ve I’ve named Melvin. I pretty sure he just not that into me...but regardless...well I’ll let you read what went on in my head

Conversation between my head and my heart:

Heart: LETS TEXT MELVIN, I want to hang out with him! He’s probably sitting at home missing how awesome you are...

Head: You are an idiot heart, you are breaking the rules of your FWB (friends with benefits) relationship with Melvin, further more he isn’t at home waiting for you to text him, don’t be stupid. Put down your phone. He doesn’t like us.

Heart:...really...what is one simple text message going to do? It will be fine

Head: WHAT IS IT GOING TO DO!? THROW AWAY OUR DIGNITY! We’ve been over this if he wants to talk to us he would talk to us

Heart: Not true...maybe he just got so excited thinking about us he had a heart attack...you better text him to make sure he’s okay.

Head: Seriously heart...could you be any more stupid

Heart: That is completely logical, we are awesome. It’s a known fact that people have been known to have heart attacks from too much awesomeness exposure.

Head: Well we are awesome...

Heart: Yes...so just text him something


Head: YA! DO IT WE ARE AWESOME!

*sends text about need to find a midget friend to do funny things with?!?!?!*

Head: We are not awesome...we are idiots. We should have stopped when we still had dignity left.

Heart: ...maybe just sometimes we are awesome?

Head: No...no we aren’t...we are going to die alone with nothing but our tap shoes and once we reach a certain age we won’t be able to tap dance around the house anymore! ALL THE JOY HAS BEEN SUCKED OUT OF OUR LIFE!

Heart: ...ya okay. You’re right. But I think we are awesome brain...you know what would cheer us up?

Head: A bullet to the heart so I don’t get talked into stupid shit?

Heart: NO! We are going to turn on Tommy Tutone listen to that Jenny song and dance...that always makes you feel better

Head: I just don’t know if - *867-5309* YOU ARE RIGHT HEART THIS DOES MAKE ME FEEL BETTER


And I wonder why he doesn’t like me... I’d like to say that I made that up...but that is really how my night went...what can I say something about Tommy just really gets me going.

You are so bluntiful!

He’s back at it again...my favourite person on my Facebook news feed! Remember him? No? Let me refresh your memory...Here!...yaaa just so much class coming from every pore of this man. Good news ladies he still single! The beautiful part is that there are multiple pictures...like enough that we could have a post a week dedicated to this beauty. I don’t even know if this blog could handle that much awesomeness. We can call it you posted WHAT?! on Facebook?!

Either way...without further delay...here he is ladies, get your vibrators ready! Get ready to fall in love and say Channing? Nope never heard of him!

I am going to hell.

 

 

 

Terrible Date Tuesday: Week of horror

So it’s terrible date Tuesday here at DL&P! It is easily becoming my favourite day of the week, even more so than Wine Wednesday. This week instead of just one terrible date we have a whole week of bad...no, terrible online dates! Dana (bless her heart) has submitted her week of horrible dates! Enjoy, I know I did!

 

Soooo date week from hell. Because I needed a whole week, not just one bad date in a week. I am fun like that

What does one do when they have a bad break up? They go on plenty of fish. To PROVE they are irresistible, smart, sexy women. They find their hottest pictures with their friends having bad hair days, or they find a picture of them and their ex and crop the SHIT out of that picture. I’m going to tell you all about my week of BAD pof dates.

Sunday – Break up, an angry break up too, not one of those sobbing ones, no no more like no motherfucker you are going to PAAAYYYYYYY FUCK YOU WATCH ME WALK AWAY FROM YOU AND MOVE ON WITH MY AWESOME LIFE!

Monday – go onto POF make your account, not pleading, not looking for life love, but you can’t say you just want to hang out because **apparently** that means hooking up. You need to be funny, light, smart, serious, great in general and pretend you NEVER go crazy. So you put up all the ex’s favorite pictures of you that you’ve cropped, then you wait. For an hour. Then tada TONS of desperate lonely men just chomping at the bit to get to know you! It’s great, you’re talking to so many men that are so interested in you!! Of course you get a couple weirdoes that are offering you Christen Grey type behaviour because their wives aren’t into it, but mostly they’re just lonely normal guys – Or so you think.

Tuesday- I make a date with a guy new here from British Columbia, they always seem pretty down to earth. Put on a cute shirt, random necklace – don’t want to scare them with too much real jewellery – and jeans. We are meeting at a local pub called East 40^th So first sign of a shitty date is that he meets me inside, obviously not a gentleman and would like to see me look around confused first. Second sign of a bad date is that he doesn’t look like his picture….at all…so much so that you’d think it was his distant cousin in the pictures and you’ve been bamboozled. But hey! He’s not a total monster so ill sit have a few drinks, I’m already there. He wants to have some pizza after he texted through two beers and barely grunted at my enquiries. So he gets 2 for 1 pizza. I ate three slices…he said “WOW you eat a lot of food for a girl hey?” What a dick! These were not huge pieces of pizza, just to be clear; these were normal size pizzas! Everyone knows that when you order two kinds of pizza you try one of each and go back for a second of your favourite. It’s common sense.  To top that night off, he goes in for a kiss, were we on the same date buddy? I do the deer in headlights, awkward hug, and turn and then DOVE into my car. Like I could have been on the Olympic swim team with the dive I took to get away from him. Then he called me repeatedly for another date….are you fucking kidding me? Did I miss something?

Wednesday- So I meet this guy at Tiffany’s, which is a pretty nice restaurant and he’s pretty cute, older though. So we plunk down in front of the fire place in these chairs that are not for dinner. But hey whatever, we all make mistakes. I easily reach 800 degrees in the first twelve minutes,  this is getting awkward. This guy starts comparing me to….his daughters….who are five years younger than me. WHHHAATTTT?!?!? Yea, seriously.  So now I’m sweating to death and I’m deeply disturbed by the kid thing. But oh well. We order some food, I ordered an appetizer and he orders a full 10 oz steak dinner. This would have been fine if it wasn’t for him getting pissed off at me for only ordering an appetizer.  To make matters worse he comments at least 12 times about how weird I am and that I’m obviously not from Red Deer (like that is an insult)….Born and raised actually….dumbass. Then he tried to get me to pay so I threw a twenty down and stalked off, I didn’t order the steak douche bag, pay for my ten dollar appetizer, I realize you have college to pay for your for your daughters but lay down the ten bucks and be a gentleman! He followed me out to my car and tried to kiss me good night….sorry no. This frigid bitch said have a good life; go for people in your own age gap!

After two dates there are two very apparent things...choosing what to order and how much eat is apparently a bigger deal than I thought it would be! And no matter how bad the date they will always go in for the kiss.

Thursday- Thursday, oh Thursday we should have stayed at home and watched old Friends reruns.  I went out on a date with a guy named Abram. Yes, I do understand now that the name should have tipped me off but nooooo. I don’t learn quickly, God forbid.  We went to Bo’s, he seemed shy, had a beer, pretty endearing. He was asking me about growing up in Red Deer and so I asked him similar questions. That’s when the first proverbial ball dropped…He is a Mexican Hudderite runaway. Yes, you read that right... MMMMMM I know how to pick em right? I was already three paralyzers in so I jumped right into the conversation being like What? How? Who? When? Where? Why? Apparently during WW2 they ran to Mexico with a handful of other huds and they all interbreeded (im not just being a bitch, just wait) and then they came up to Canada with his whole family of 10 and they all started working in Ontario, got ex communicated or whatever the hell you call it and so then he ran away to Alberta to start his own little dream. Now everybody in his family has 6 fingers on both hands (see I’m not just a bitch). BAM.wait wait wait this whole hudderite thing just got dropped on me, no way, nooo freakin way, I asked him to prove it, because I am three paralysers deep and I need proof of this…yeah... he did…phone pictures L that night ended with both of us going in opposite directions. I can’t run the risk of my future children having extra digits.

Friday – Friday came and I was jacked. Nothing bad happens on Fridays! It’s Friday, every ones gotta get down on Friday! I was going to cities, which I love due to their love of bacon. I figured life was good; I met this date on match.com which has to be MUCH better off than POF right?? NO. They are just social and emotional retards with money! Brutal I tell ya. Anyways this one smiles awkwardly in the parking lot (and I took that for endearing, I’m not looking to date a puppy but wtf maybe this little gaffer is just a little shy, better than a douche bag)  and we say hi and we go into cities grab a table …….. …….. …….. ……. And don’t say a thing. When I’m feeling nervous or awkward I talk. SO I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked like I was on some kind of illegal amphetamine, this was a bad situation. He answered everything in single syllables. He had a lego watch. He looked like Chuckie from Rugrats. His smile is still unknown to me.  I’m sure he did agree to date me, I remember him asking me and me agreeing but hot damn it looks like he was on a blind date that his mom set him up with. Pretty Brutal anyways after a mute dinner we ‘hugged it out’ in the parking lot never to speak to each other again.

Saturday – I went to my friend and got drunk properly. Deleted POF. And decided I would only date strangers I find in my bar because at least we will have that much in common.

What have I done

I died my hair yesterday; it was suppose to be ombre, brown to blonde, I had four pictures and a detailed description for the lady because my normal hair dresser was out of town. The lady doing my hair was rather confused by the whole concept because I had hair extensions. Really she was just baffled by the concept that I needed it go from dark to light to lightest, so the hair extensions where going to have to be colored as well. It took me twenty minutes to explain what I wanted done and finally I just said, look if you don’t think you can do it just tell me now. She said she understood what I wanted and she could do it, so we went ahead. Mistake.  She was also confused that I didn’t want her to cut my hair and kept telling me that because I was taking my hair lighter it was going to break off. Lady you are an idiot do you think I am letting me near my head with a sharp object. Fuck no. Also, my hair didn't break off, fall out or die, shocking. Regardless, I am pretty sure that ombre stands for drunk Mexican because my very expensive hair now looks like a drunk Mexican colored it. I just wanted to be trendy like the Kardashians, I should have just shaved half my head, that would have been a better out come.

There is a reason why I stick to my 14 dollar box hair dye and I don’t care what you bitches say, I get complimented on my hair every time I go out in public...when it’s done. This new$200 hair experience is not good. The longer I look at it the worse it gets. I swear to be a hair dresser you have to be partially retarded, t-minus my usual girl. She is smart and should never take a holiday again and let me make bad choices.

Dream Big

I think I've missed my calling in life. I am pretty sure I would rock at being a phone sex girl. So much so that I even made a list of reasons why I would be so good as a phone sex girl. 

1. I like talking to people
2. I sound hot on the phone
3. I am good at implying sex 
4. I am good at sexting so it only makes sense that this would transfer over to a real life conversation
5. I could do it at home in my sweat pants
6. I can pretend to be wordly (they like that I guess...that's what it said when I looked it up)
7. I can multitask like a boss, meaning I could get so much accomplished in a day 

Seriously. I would rock that job. I am going to have to look into this more. 

Terrible Date Tuesday: The hamburglar

 Welcome to today's episode of terrible date Tuesday:

I’ve been on my far share of bad dates, this time though, it was me who was the terrible date, kind of. I met this guy on-line, aren’t we all shocked? This was a few years ago way before Kermit, back when drinking on weekdays was part of my weekly routine, you know, wake up, shower, poop, school, gym, eat, get drunk. I was really good at it, never really got hung over, was a functioning human being, seriously I could teach the course on drinking in college.

Like I said I met this guy on-line and we both went to the same college so one day we decided that in between classes we would meet up and grab a coffee. He was okay, nothing special, seemed like an okay guy, not really a spark. But he did live in the dorm and was having a huge kegger Friday night. Count me in, you don’t have to ask me twice. So I got 5 of my girlfriends together and made our way over to his kegger Friday night.

Once there he started hitting on my best friend, Ro at the time, meh that’s okay, I was at a kegger and there was millions of guys, you go girlfriend. After several keg stands and rounds of beer pong we made our way down to the country bar but not before I had picked up a stalker from the party. He seemed nice enough but he was not my type, at all, redneck, fat, and I think I remember red hair. Any ways, give me enough keg stands and I will think any one is funny and charming, so with beer goggles on I spent the night two stepping with him. At about 2:30 in the morning we decided we needed to go home because Ro was done dodging the guy I had a brief coffee date with. Red neck man asked for a ride home, fair enough you live close by, sure.

First thing he does is ask to bum a smoke. I am in college people. Money does not flow when you are in college, hence why I am talking to you red neck man, so you can buy me drinks because I am to fucking poor to buy them myself. What ever, I give him a smoke. He then asks to stop at Mcdonalds, again, I am poor, to poor for drunk Mcdonalds, so you know that’s poor, but he offers to pay so I make a pit stop.

Ro and I order are Mcdonalds, buddy orders his and has now “bummed” three smokes off of me. This is turning into my nightmare. We get up to pay and he says “oh fuck…I forgot my wallet at the bar.” Are you kidding me redneck man? Seriously. I hate you. I am driving you home, you’ve smoked my cigarettes and now I am not even getting Mcdonalds from you? I hate you. I spend my last 20 dollars on this Mcdonalds that we ordered and drive him home. Now usually when you go through drive through it goes one of two ways, you wait till you all get back to the house and all eat, or the passenger passes out the food. Simple theory right? He did neither, he just started eating, I could see him munching down in my peripherals. I wasn’t paying attention because I was angry with this man and looking at him repulsed me at this point. So we pull up to his dorm house and I say, pass Ro her Mcchicken. He said…I ate it. Why am I not surprised? Oh ya…you are oozing douche from every single poor. I said ok pass her mine…He said…I ate it. IT WAS A FIVE MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE YOU ATE ALL OF OUR DRUNK MCDONALDS! I snap, and say ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU FAT REDNECK SON OF A BITCH?! He then opens the door, farts, and says “thanks bitch”

 

What happened next is a complete blur. I went crazy. I get out of the car, take off my heels and chase that mother fucker down. Now the best part of this all is I was wearing a very little blue strapless dress. In my chase after him the strapless part had fallen down, so I am running after him, dress around my waste, boobs every where because they are just being held in by a strapless bra, I am bare foot, heels in hand and swearing like I am an angry sailor. Ro was behind me trying to stop me, but there was no stopping, I was on a mission…the mission, kill the fat, redneck man who I hate. He smoked my cigarettes, ate my food and called me a bitch and farted…I was going to hurt this man. So I jumped on his back and started beating him with my very cute black stiletto. Really legs wrapped around his stomach, holding on with one hand and beating him with the other. Naturally he is screaming so now people have gathered, Ro is back by the car laughing hysterically, and then there is me, on the back of this redneck douche bag, beating him like the crazy person I am. A guy finally pulls me off and I get in my car and drive home. Angry, hungry and out of smokes. Oh and broke because I paid for it.

Degrassi...the next generation

I took my niece Bess to the arcade and bowling yesterday, she brought her boyfriend. My niece is 8. Yes, my 8 year old niece has a boyfriend, his name is Jace. Jace used all the tokens he won at the arcade to get Bess a ring; a big, plastic, shiny ring. They hold hands and it’s all so cute…until I realize that

a)       I couldn’t get Kermit to put a ring on it, I will probably never get a ring, and I will sing Single Ladies all the way to the alter of my best friends weddings

b)       I am single…with no prospects of that changing, which is fine, because I enjoy being single. But any current prospects would just end in me settling again. Except for one guy, maybe. A guy not even you, my readers, know about.

c)       Although I happily content being single my current love life is like a whole season of an after school special of Degrassi.

So while Bess basks in her first love I am reminded that my relationships have all failed and it all seems in the tragic way that I came up short, I was just not what they wanted. I am not concerned with my failed relationships, I’ve become a better person because of them, I am happy being single and taking time for me but it doesn’t change the fact that I currently have a fucking crush on a guy I haven’t even had the nerve to write about. I have a middle school, Justin Bieber style, ask my parents if I can go out after dark, crush…and it needs to go away now.

 Welcome to my after school special kids, grab a seat, popcorn will be handed out right before the climax of this love story.

The climax where this man took  one of your friends on not one but two dates…then kissed you.

No no…not that climax…silly. That’s just the start of episode one

The climax where he told you that he planned on taking a trip in the next couple months to clear his head because he going through some kind of crisis.

Nope still not the climax

The climax where he makes you climax?

Well...that's a climax just not the kind I am talking about. Jesus.

You mean the climax where Skipper walked into his brother’s house to find you hanging out with his brother, and it was very obvious that you had just spent the night? Then Skipper stormed out of the house while yelling something at said brother?

Maybe? I guess we’ll see because this after school special isn’t over yet…I mean it should be. I should have got up and left after he kissed me, that’s what a good person would have done. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t have replied to his messages after he kissed me…but I did…I shouldn’t have let him make me laugh or feel special or happy or content because that’s really the beginning of the end for me and now I am left sheer confusion. I mean I just want some one who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I am awesome and beautiful and tells me so and wants to have sex with me and only me. Don’t mistake that for a relationship. Relationships turn into routine, they turn into fights, and they turn into work. I just want some thing fun and easy going, some thing that is just simple…this isn’t simple…I realize that…but when I am with him it feels easy. He makes it feel simple.

But being a girl I needed validation that he felt the same way I do so I asked the stupid question even though every thing inside me screamed don’t do; I asked him how he felt, if this was going any where or if it’s just what it is now. He said he liked me, but it was complicated, no, complex. I replied, Dana and Skipper? He just said ya. I don’t even know why I asked, I had been saying that since the start that I couldn’t exactly go to Sunday dinner with his family and sit down between the two brothers. I couldn’t give his dad a high five for raising not one but two sons who rock in bed.  I couldn’t answer the question how did you two meet; oh he was dating my friend! I don’t know what I was expecting; I don’t even know what I want. Maybe I need to learn to be content and go with the flow and not over analyze every thing.

I am content with this delicious croissant that is filled with chocolate and whip cream and strawberries. I am very content with that. 

& Justine said go forth my children and multiple

I work out with my dad and my cousin every day, well okay that’s a lie, I don’t participate every day, I usually drag my ass down 3 to 5 times a week, and spend a significant amount of time drooling over Banana Pants Man (remember him), but in two months I’ve lost 20 freaking pounds. SUCK ON THAT SKINNY JEANS I WILL MAKE YOU MY BITCH SOON ENOUGH! That’s not what I am focusing on today though, my cousin has been a single man for as long as I can remember, he has had his flings, short relationships, one night stands but never has he had a serious relationship. generally he gets fucked over a lot. You probably think it’s weird I know his sexual history, and it is, but he is two years older than me and we went to the same high school and had a lot of mutual friends and it’s a small town. So naturally he has dated around a lot, but over Christmas he was casually dating a girl who went to the same gym as us. She reminds me of a school teacher so for the purpose of this post I will refer to her as the School Teacher, any ways, I drove them home drunk one night from the bar and she was all over him like a gay man on a unicorn, seriously, and she thought I was his sister at the time, this girl needed to get it in a fierce kind of way. Since that night we talk at the gym and she invites me out some times, I usually decline, but all in all I thought she was a nice girl.

While I was pumping the iron yesterday, aka hanging around near Banana Pants Man while he was getting all sweaty and hot and …oh god I need to change my underwear now, ahh focus Justine. Back to my intriguing story…so while I was pumping Iron, my cousin asked me if I was friends with the School Teacher, I said no just casually quick hey how’s your training going, kind of conversations, and I asked why, obviously there is a story here and I want to know it, I love hearing about other peoples drama. He informed me that when they started “hanging out” she was recently divorced and wanted to keep her legs closed till she was comfortable or some shit, he said fine I can wait, not a problem. They had been hanging out for about two months when he found out that she was banging some 20 year old on the side so all the lines of not being comfortable until her divorce was finalized la dee dah bull shit was just lines.

Now here is my confusion, I saw School Teacher in the back of my car giving a lesson in car foreplay 101, obviously I could tell this girl was not the wholesome kind of school teacher, but hey, I don’t judge girls on their sexual adventures, I’m all for it, but he was really confused about the whole situation and really hurt. He thought she was a nice, wholesome, girl.  They weren’t dating exclusively, in fact she had given him the green light to sleep with other girls, and he had, so he was more mad about the lines of bullshit she was feeding him.

Normally, I’d be on my cousins side and I am, I don’t like to see him get hurt, I love the guy, and at first I was like

“Dammmmmmmnnnn boy she played you, what a hoe”  

But then I thought about it…all she did was treat him like most men treat women (yes, I realize how much I hate men at this point in my life and how much I think they are scum bags, ya ya ya). She wasn’t dating him exclusively, she had every right to sleep with whom ever she wanted, he was, and chances are he didn’t call her up after getting down and dirty and say, just a heads up I just got down and dirty just thought you should know, so why should she do the same? If she didn’t want to sleep with two guys at the same time and picked the 20 year old because she knew he was more disposable is it wrong to come up with a lie? I lie about having my period all the time when I don’t want to sleep with a guy, is that any different? Who really knows why she said those lines but I really don’t know if I see the problem there. I get he is hurt she was sleeping with another guy but he was sleeping with other girls? DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARDS I TELL YOU!

Girlfriend had just spent the last 6 freaking years in a relationship, she’s only 25 so that means, she probably slept with one or two guys, I say go free young grass hopper, play the field, see what is out there, welcome to the world of women treating men as disposable as they've treated us for years!

So what do you think? Bitch be a hoe…or bitch just dating around?  Really, am I just a crazy hoe for saying she was dating around and there is nothing wrong with that? 

Side note: it's a damn good thing none of the guys I am currently dating read my blog, not that I am dating that many guys at this point in time, but really my inner Samantha Jones/I am women hear me roar voice is really coming through lately. 

Here I go ranting about the perks of being a women again

So…I snapped out of my “maybe a relationship wouldn’t be so bad and I should take Mchottie up on his offer” delusion last night (that Allah that didn’t last long) and by snapped out I mean Dana sat me down and talked some sense into me and Mike showed me a video I made in a very drunk state on Saturday night and I am mouthing the words “I HATE HIM!” because he wont participate in my video to Mike where I drunkenly say I love you a million times.  So no fairy tale love adventure there which means I can stop justifying all the red flags because he looks so hot without a shirt on. Aren’t we all a little proud?

There was one conversation we had when he was drunk and I was sober (also another proud moment wouldn’t you say). We were commenting on a girl at the pub who was a little all over the place and he made the comment women should be pure, meaning he is labeling women as whores and skanks for sleeping around. Ya, buddy, let me tell you some thing, I have the strongest opinion on this, and I shared my opinion with him. He still held the belief that while men are able to sleep with hundreds of women, women can not sleep with hundreds of men because it’s not a desirable quality and she should be pure. Biggest load of bull shit to come out of his mouth all weekend. I have so many problems with this, my biggest problem is that double standard for women. Why should women be denied some thing that feels good, is healthy, and is fun just because they aren’t in a relationship? They shouldn’t be. Plain and simple. Men can go out every weekend and bang a different chick but women are suppose to sit at home and wait for this magically prince charming to come and sweep her off her feet? No such luck buddy. If I’m a whore you’re a whore and the whole fucking world is a whore.

Now I am not saying women can do every thing men can do, we can’t. There are things men can do, like pee standing up, that I will never be able to do. But I’ll be damned if men get the luxury of sex and women don’t for the sake of staying pure!

Also let me do some quick math for you, let’s say you are in a happy and healthy relationship and you have sex two times a week for a year, you have sex 104.36 times in that year (the .36 are the times you faked orgasms). You aren’t a whore or a skank because you’ve only had sex with one guy, but you’ve let him stick it in your bum, done some crazy things with a blind fold and whip and maybe even made a home made porno, you still aren’t a whore. You are a nice, wholesome girl, who has only had sex with one person. YAY!

On the flip side of that, lets take single Sally, and she has sexual relations with a new guy once a month, so she get laid, once a month, if we are going with the one night stand kind of deal. Sally has sex 12 times, maybe 15 if she stays the night a couple times. Further more that’s an extremely depressing number, 12 to 15 times, she better be getting a discount at the sex store for all the vibrators she must buy. But back to my mathematical example, she is having nice wholesome one night stand, man is probably on top, lights are off, no crazy whips or lube sex. She’s are a whore. How does that even make sense! Relationship Rachel in the top example is having sex 6.96 times more than her! And! Not only that but relationship Rachel up there is doing all kinds of freaky shit in the sheets because she is comfortable with relationship Ronald!  But Sally’s number is higher, therefore she be a hoe. Sorry Sally, not only are you having less sex, but you are the whore his mother warned him about!

I am not saying go out and have unprotected sex with the whole world, but I just feel like the same standards should be there for men and women, just be safe and know what you are getting yourself into with a one night stand because they aren’t for everyone.  And if you run into a douche like Mchottie who says he only dates girls who have never had one night stands, do like I did and lie through your fucking teeth. 

Weekend recap: Mchottie

Well, I’m alive, and I didn’t shit my pants and I had an interesting weekend to say the least. It was filled with vodka, wine, beer, a pub called Busters which reminded me of the dirty, old men hitting on me, one two hour conversation with Mchotties 70 year old mother about different races (like people, not the kind you bet on), a serious love/hate relationship with Mchottie, a shocking moment when I was corrected on his age (he is older than I thought), many airport camel toes and mass confusion when it comes to my feelings about him.

Really, he is the epitome of dumb jock, he doesn’t get sarcasm, at all, and we really don’t have a lot in common. If I was Carrie from Sex and the City he would be my Aleksandr Petrovsky. That is the best way I can explain it. One minute I am ready to kill this man because he’s pissed me off the next I like him. 

My phone was also stolen which makes it interesting when people are texting you all the time to make sure you are still alive and you have zero way to let them know you are because you can’t send a text that says

“he hasn’t killed me yet”

to your friends from a man’s cell phone who does not think it’s funny that your friends are certain you are going to end up dead this weekend. But once again I survived a questionable life choice and lived to tell the tale. On the plus side, because I lost my phone I don’t know if Awkward guy texted me but I am assuming he’s assuming that my lack of reply for three days meant that I am no longer interested in him, which I am not at this point. So that’s one way to get rid of a guy.

But I am now more confused about Mchottie and our little situation than I ever was before. I was ready for it to be just a casually weekend, but leave it to me to develop feelings for a man who has so many fucking red flags that he could be a game a minesweeper. I go back and forth and after a drunk conversation where he once again made it clear he isn’t moving but if I wanted to I could move in with him and go to school or work, basically do what ever my little heart wanted then the offer still stands. But in an equally drunk conversation I made it clear that he could dream on if he thought I was moving here and having kids a year later. Ya right, I went down that road and we all know how that turned out for me. So basically, that’s my story right now. I need another drink just to make sense of all my drunk conversations from the weekend. There was a reason vodka and wine and beer where at the top of the “my weekend was filled with list.”

Yes I know it’s also Terrible Date Tuesday, I will get that up tonight! Don’t judge I am jet legged and trying not to get fired.