Welcome to today's episode
of terrible date Tuesday:
I’ve been on my far share of bad dates, this time though, it
was me who was the terrible date, kind of. I met this guy on-line, aren’t we
all shocked? This was a few years ago way before Kermit, back when drinking on
weekdays was part of my weekly routine, you know, wake up, shower, poop,
school, gym, eat, get drunk. I was really good at it, never really got hung
over, was a functioning human being, seriously I could teach the course on
drinking in college.
Like I said I met this guy on-line and we both went to the
same college so one day we decided that in between classes we would meet up and
grab a coffee. He was okay, nothing special, seemed like an okay guy, not
really a spark. But he did live in the dorm and was having a huge kegger Friday
night. Count me in, you don’t have to ask me twice. So I got 5 of my
girlfriends together and made our way over to his kegger Friday night.
Once there he started hitting on my best friend, Ro at the
time, meh that’s okay, I was at a kegger and there was millions of guys, you go
girlfriend. After several keg stands and rounds of beer pong we made our way
down to the country bar but not before I had picked up a stalker from the party.
He seemed nice enough but he was not my type, at all, redneck, fat, and I think
I remember red hair. Any ways, give me enough keg stands and I will think any
one is funny and charming, so with beer goggles on I spent the night two
stepping with him. At about 2:30 in the morning we decided we needed to go home
because Ro was done dodging the guy I had a brief coffee date with. Red neck man asked
for a ride home, fair enough you live close by, sure.
First thing he does is ask to bum a smoke. I am in college
people. Money does not flow when you are in college, hence why I am talking to
you red neck man, so you can buy me drinks because I am to fucking poor to buy
them myself. What ever, I give him a smoke. He then asks to stop at Mcdonalds,
again, I am poor, to poor for drunk Mcdonalds, so you know that’s poor, but he
offers to pay so I make a pit stop.
Ro and I order are Mcdonalds, buddy orders his and has now “bummed”
three smokes off of me. This is turning into my nightmare. We get up to pay and
he says “oh fuck…I forgot my wallet at the bar.” Are you kidding me redneck man?
Seriously. I hate you. I am driving you home, you’ve smoked my cigarettes and
now I am not even getting Mcdonalds from you? I hate you. I spend my last 20
dollars on this Mcdonalds that we ordered and drive him home. Now usually when
you go through drive through it goes one of two ways, you wait till you all get
back to the house and all eat, or the passenger passes out the food. Simple
theory right? He did neither, he just started eating, I could see him munching
down in my peripherals. I wasn’t paying attention because I was angry with this
man and looking at him repulsed me at this point. So we pull up to his dorm
house and I say, pass Ro her Mcchicken. He said…I ate it. Why am I not
surprised? Oh ya…you are oozing douche from every single poor. I said ok pass
her mine…He said…I ate it. IT WAS A FIVE MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE YOU ATE ALL OF
OUR DRUNK MCDONALDS! I snap, and say ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU FAT REDNECK SON OF A BITCH?! He then
opens the door, farts, and says “thanks bitch”
What happened next is a complete blur. I went crazy. I get
out of the car, take off my heels and chase that mother fucker down. Now the
best part of this all is I was wearing a very little blue strapless dress. In
my chase after him the strapless part had fallen down, so I am running after
him, dress around my waste, boobs every where because they are just being held
in by a strapless bra, I am bare foot, heels in hand and swearing like I am
an angry sailor. Ro was behind me trying to stop me, but there was no stopping,
I was on a mission…the mission, kill the fat, redneck man who I hate. He smoked
my cigarettes, ate my food and called me a bitch and farted…I was going to hurt
this man. So I jumped on his back and started beating him with my very cute
black stiletto. Really legs wrapped around his stomach, holding on with one
hand and beating him with the other. Naturally he is screaming so now people
have gathered, Ro is back by the car laughing hysterically, and then there is
me, on the back of this redneck douche bag, beating him like the crazy person I
am. A guy finally pulls me off and I get in my car and drive home. Angry, hungry
and out of smokes. Oh and broke because I paid for it.
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