Mom Jean Shorts...we need to talk about this

I know everyone is in extreme panic mode because it’s been like...a week...since my last post but do not worry I am still alive just very, very single. I mean, like eat a whole pizza to myself, in sweat pants, while watching rom coms on Netflix, asking myself why I don’t have a hobby, cell phone in another room because there is no one exciting texting me, can probably get away with not washing my hair for another day, single. How did I  get to this point you may ask? You probably didn’t but oh well, I’ll let you know anyways, I threw out every single guy that showed interest in me except Melvin (who doesn't show interest in me) and then decided I am over Melvin’s to cool attitude and teenage angst behaviour...so now I am lonely, which I am going to learn to rock...as soon as I'm done my pizza.

So while I’ve generally talked about dating, guys, singleness, and drunken adventures, this is about something far more serious...something that is going to affect women everywhere.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse for us big booty bitches, it has; worse than Hello Kitty themed clothing,  worse than Uggs with jeans skirts, worse than leggings under a jean skirt...pretty much jean skirts in general and yes my friend, worse than the treacherous big booty bitch trying to rock skinny jeans. Miley Cyrus tried to bring it in style last summer and it looks like her effort has finally paid off because it has started showing up all over Pinterest, which means it’s the epitome of trendy and there is no turning back. Some (okay just me) have even gone as far as saying it is the herpes of summer trends. If you haven’t figured it out by now it’s the God awful catastrophe known to the world as MOM JEAN SHORTS! Whoever decided these high wasted jean shorts would be a good trend was out of their fucking mind. Let me fill you in on a secret fashion Gods, you stick a 14 year old girl who has no tits and no ass in a pair of these shorts of course you think they will look trendy and cool! Throw in an American flag crop top and you think you have hit the jackpot of summer trends, but you haven’t, go back to the drawing board, because 85 percent of the population is going to hate you by mid June, want to kill you by early July, and have an organized plan to kill you by August.

See it’s the Asian effect; Asians have the ability to where whatever the hell they want to, it can break every fashion rule possible and it will look adorable, because they have the body of a prepubescent 13 year old boy so clothes just fall in the right place. What happens to us women with boobs and a butt, we see these Asian women in their chunky heels and tights with shorts and over sized sweater falling off their shoulders with a big fucking anime character on the front and we go “damn that bitch looks cute” so we go out...we search and search through the forever 21 racks till we find an outfit similar and we put it on in the change rooms. We are so please with our accomplishment to be as trendy as those little Asians, then we pull the sweater over our heads, look and the mirror, and we combust because of how horribly disastrous we look! Just poof, dead. It’s that horrible. And that is the Asian effect and it affects us all, unless you are Asian or Kate Moss and in that case, I hate you.

So fashion Gods I need you to stop taunting me with these high wasted mom shorts because I know exactly how this is going to go, I am going to spend the next three weeks searching for these shorts, because let’s face it, when I see it on those little models, with their long beach waved hair, trendy floral crop top, round Elton John sunglasses and some kind of head wear, I want it, I want to be trendy, and a little bit of a hippie and I want to be delusional about my curves. I want to make the fatal mistake and buy those shorts or worse go into my mom’s closet and take a pair of her old jeans and get the scissors and start cutting. How do I know this will be horrible? Because mom jeans belong in the 80’s and not around my ass, because I have an ass, I probably have enough of an ass to say I have two asses and I do not need shorts that are going to make my ass look bigger and that is exactly what mom shorts do; they emphasize those cute size two bitches asses and for those of us who are not a size two our ass is going to end up looking like a size 22. The pockets are wide set and up high and the way the shorts are just going to draw attention to my thighs, which is the last place I want attention, I’d prefer the attention up around my tits, my boobs are good, thighs are not. Let’s not even talk about what it will look like when I have to sit down in those mom jeans, because eventually I will have to sit down, it’s just a fact, and you know those high wasted devil pants are going to make me look like a have a huge giant wang hanging out between my legs! Did you see the size of that zipper! It’s going to bunch up, it’s going to be bad, it's going to make me look like I have a dong or worse a gunt and I’m going to cry a little. Also, why, why do you have to cut those jeans shorts up so that your ass cheek hangs out the side?! Because even if I saw a little size 2 girl walking down the streets with her ass hanging out at 2 in the afternoon I’d think one of those two things

·         Hoe bag put some clothes on

·         She must be drunk...maybe I should follow her

So, to conclude this rant, let’s just stop this summer trend, let’s stick to those little lace shorts or normal jean shorts and save everyone a world of pain.

 

As a side note while writing those post I have discovered a new love for All Dressed chips, which won’t help me in my quest to get into mom jean shorts, but are delicious none the less.