Well...isn't that something

So, boss man has been doing some serious layoffs lately, and because I am a hard working individual, some days, I made the cut, I have a job, but you know who didn’t make the cut, the cleaning lady, so that means I have to clean up after gross disgusting toothy and his friends with equally poor hygiene. Let me tell you I am neither Mexican or a struggling surfer, so cleaning toilets is not in my forte, but boss man scares the hell out of me and efforts to keep my job, until I find a new one, I am cleaning like a mother fucker. But that is really what began this whole job search thing, I really have a hard time doing the dishes for grown men who are more than capable of doing their own and an even harder time scrubbing someone else’s shit off a toilet, unless I am getting some kind of sexual favors for it, and my requirement for that to happen is you have to have teeth...so no one here makes the cut, sadly.

But see, this whole situation has thrown a freaking loop into my plan, work here till October, go to Thailand for a month, have a blasty blast in Thailand, come back wiser and cultured and start school in January, cause this bitch is going back to school ya’ll! This is a deadly plan. I am excited about this plan, this plan has taken YEARS to come up with and I came up with this plan all by myself. Note how there is no mention of a boy in that plan, because I am tuning into my inner Beyoncé and becoming an independent women as well as a contributing member to society!

But between the toilet situation and this imminent fear of losing my job  I put out a few resumes and that lead to the job interview yesterday. I was fully expecting to trade one shitty office job for another shitty office job, I have done this interview, I have dazzled the interviewer with my charm and smart and mature answers, I wrote the fucking book on bad office jobs. But then, I went to this interview and was genuinely excited about this position and the company and now I find myself in full panic mode because I have just made a plan and I like my plan, why interviewer did you have to dazzle me with your job opportunity that sounds actually fun and exciting. WHY WHY WHY! But I am not stressing, I don’t know if I have the job yet, I don’t know if I want the job yet, I know that on paper it sounded good. And we know that just because something sounds good on paper doesn’t mean they produce. So I’m not into full panic mode yet, just to keep ya’ll up dated.

By the way, no I have not moved to Texas, I am just one season down in Friday Night Lights and I’ve grown quite fond of saying ya’ll like the people do on the show.

I could tell you about Melvin...or I could tell you about my new pretend boyfriend

I could tell you how last week I hung out with Melvin and I went all swoony again and how all week he’s been all sweet which made me swoon even more and caused me to dance around in glee all week. Then I could tell you how last night some whore faced, mini skirt wearing on a Wednesday wing night, skanky mcskankerson was flirting with him (and he flirted back) and when I was leaving she was all like “baby come back inside” even though he had just asked me to stay and so I just looked at him, made sure that I gave my best “are you fucking joking me face” and said “you better go back inside...baby” and walked away because I’ll be damned if I am going inside now that some twat face just said that to you. So I walked away...crying ...and smoking...because those two things go hand in hand...than proceeded to deleted his number yet again...and by three o’clock today I was kicking myself for having a moment of sanity and deleting his number. But really, if I think about it anymore I’ll get all crazy ghetto on him and that would just end in me in some form of straight jacket. And for all that is good in the world please let me never see skanky mcskankerson again because even before she did that I wanted to go over to her and comment on just how horrible she dressed herself. Seriously, do people not look in the mirror before they leave their house to go out into public. She looked like a low grade stripper for the Special Olympics.

 So, now that I totally haven’t said anything about Melvin,  I’m going to tell you about how I was totally just cocked block at work.

There are few to no perks at my job, really, I am underpaid, put up with bullshit, pmsing boy drama all day and I am forced to listen to Taylor Swift a million times a day, seriously, I can sing you every word to that 22 song...and this is coming from a girl who spent a solid month listening to nothing but sad Taylor Swift songs. I can’t handle another Taylor Swift song, ever.  But about 3 months ago I found a silver lining. That silver lining you ask? Hottie Mchotterson with the prettiest eyes that comes in occasionally to pick up parts for the company he works for. For 3 months I have swooned over this man’s beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and his brown eyes and his perfectly sculpted ass and biceps. Really, you need to check out this man’s tush and than holla at me so we can talk about how good it is.  He is beautiful. I don’t see a ring and it makes me working here almost bearable.  So I say to one of the boys in the back who always deals with him to casually bring up my charming personality and big boobs...not a hard task? No, it is not. You talk me up, mention I am single and pass him my business card (ya, I have business cards, I am a big deal around here) and then we fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. That simple. Does that stupid ass muncher do that? No. He talks about the part, the hockey game from the other night and lets the guy leave! He didn’t even get any information about his personal life, like where I could casually run into him, how am I suppose to live happily ever after now?! I won’t. And I completely blame the guy I work with for being a horrible wing man.

Two facts for you on this lovely Tuesday

Two facts:

1)      Toothy the toothless wonder bought a trailer today, like one you live in, in a trailer park. His white trash dreams are complete. I am so proud of him; it has a stove and everything.

2)      My boss is obviously trying to kill me. After Nikki made me scog beers last night I am obviously hung over at work today...Boss man found a cat while driving Toothy to said trailer, he brought it back to the office. The thing won’t stop meowing. I don’t know what’s worse the meowing kitten or the fact that I’ve had to listen to Taylor Swift 22, ten times today.

As a side note, the toothless wonder’s reaction to the kitten was “I usually have to buy a drink before I can just pick up a pussy.” You aren't picking up any "pussy" Toothy; it might have something to do with your teeth,...or your lack of hygiene.

The week that lead to me sitting in a parking lot looking like a crack head...part one

I’ve been on a terror this week, not a drinking terror, I wouldn’t complain about that, I am on a “I hate the whole world, die die die” terror. Seriously, my emotions are running ramped this week, I’ve never been so bitchy for so long ever. My ability to hold in sarcastic, mean comments is nonexistent this week, so what does that mean for you? You get to sit tight and listen to my three part story, I am going to break it down by douche bag, I mean man for you and how it all lead to the full mental break down that commenced last night.

Part one – The toothless wonder

If you’ve ever worked with women you know that it sucks, I’ve spent a lot of time working with all women.  At 16 I worked at Aldo, with 12 other girl, at 18 I work at a tanning salon with 16 other girls, I’ve worked in offices with old bitchy secretaries, I’ve worked with young dumb girls, and there is only one thing I can conclude from spending so many years working with women, the only thing worse than working with women is working with males.

You women are probably sitting there going “uh Justine you are an idiot, clearly you have no idea what you are talking about...in any aspect of life.” But I do, at least in this area; clearly I am an idiot when it comes to dating or men still, but work environment in the men vs. women section I know what I am talking about. Men trick you, you think that women are back stabbing and manipulative, she is nothing compared to a man, at least with women you can turn around and be back stabbing and manipulative back, or get drunk and have a heart to heart and be friends, men though...they make your life hell, to your face, and in a way that you can’t even retaliate.

Which brings me to the pot smoking, coke snorting, toothless, 50 year old dead beat that works with me; he is a glorious specimen of trailer trash who has made it his mission to make my life a living hell. It all started last week, when boss man made me go pick him up for work because he was hung over and didn’t show up for work for the fifth time in two weeks, wait I’m sorry, he had food poisoning, my bad, he got it from all the beer he consumed the night before. Nowhere in my job description does it say

-          Pick up drunk loser so he comes to work

-          Make sure drunk loser gets to work

-          Deal with hung over asshole at work

But I did it, because if I don’t do what my boss tells me too he makes sure my life is an even bigger hell.  The toothless wonder was pissed that I showed up at his door step, at 8 in the morning asking why he wasn’t at work and this started the fight between me and the toothless wonder.

It started when he showed up for work on Monday; now generally I do whatever the shop guys ask and it always goes without a thank you, this includes but is not limited to, getting their lunch, ordering high school transcripts, driving them around, picking them up so they can make it to work, answer all their questions (generally after work hours on my time), book their dentist and doctors appointments, basically everything but suck their dicks and wipe their asses. This week though, my level of bitch outweighed my desire to be nice, I came to work, I did my job, and I did not go over and above my job description for these men. So Monday afternoon I was out having my smoke, my one saving grace in the afternoon, the one thing that stops me from murdering most of my co-workers, and the one thing that keeps me sane. I was sitting in a chair smoking, in a room with only one other person, leaving a total of 15, (FIFTEEN, yep that’s a one and then a five) other chairs to sit at, the toothless wonder came in and put his drink, smoke and lighter in front of where I was sitting,

“You’re in my spot”

Are you 10? Really, is there assigned seating and I missed the fucking memo? Did something happen over the weekend that you started signing my paycheques so you think I will do what you tell me to do?

I hold in my anger and nicely say, “Would you like me to move?”

That took a lot for me; I was being nice, when everything in my wanted to punch him in the face and knock out the two fucking teeth he has left.

“Ya, cause I don’t work all day or anything and sorry what do you do?”

I ignore the fact that he just cut me down and said I don’t do anything all day at work, I don’t do the jobs of 5 people every single day plus do all YOUR fucking running around. I don’t make sure you show up to work, I don’t do anything all day but sit around and eat bon bon’s. You are absolutely right. I put out my smoke and remind myself that orange is not a good color on me and I can’t go to jail.

I come to work Tuesday, I am now even more enraged, even bitchier, I don’t know why, I just am, and I can’t even fully blame toothless wonder at this point. I took my lunch later than usual so I thought I could avoid the toothless wonder in the smoke room. I walk into the smoke room, there are now two other people in the room so that means there are still 14 chairs. He walks in, now if I was in a good mood I would have moved, I would have not made it a point to sit in *his*chair on the off chance he came into the room, but I am on a war path and I fight like a women. He again puts all his shit in front of me and goes you are in my spot.

Well thank you captain obvious, your observation has not gone unnoticed, you advance to the next level of retardation! I can’t contain myself; it just came out of my mouth,

“Are you that stupid that you do not see the one, two, three...(I count to fourteen, although I think I lost him at 10) other chairs that you can sit in, is it really that hard to take another two steps to a different chair?”

He sits in another chair, good toothy; you sit there and think about how stupid you are.

Obviously every one can tell I am grumpy at this point, so what happened next was out of my control, Toothy’s best friend says to me “you’re bitchy this week,” yes you dense brown man I am, looks like you are still stupid this week. Then his bff of life goes  “Hey Justine, if you go anywhere this afternoon can you take my car?” A car that doesn’t have registration, a car that is held together with duct tape, a car that is basically a death wish waiting to happen, sure, why not! I ask why, which was a mistake. “I have my friend’s dog in the car and so it would be nice if you could take her for a walk.” I hate other people’s dogs, unless they are a puppy, but other people’s dogs are not my cup of tea, a pit pull, so not my cup of tea, so the following conversation happened:

 “Do I look like a dog walker to you? No, deal with the dog yourself”

“Ya but the dog might get thirsty.”

“You didn’t leave the dog water?”

“What was I suppose to do, I didn’t want to leave it at home!”

“So you took it from your apartment, to a small, hot vehicle, with no water, or food. You are an idiot, please for the love of God never reproduce.”

I left work that day, dreading the next day. My ability to deal with stupid people has dwindled down to shocking new level of low. But I did come into work the next day, and it went like this...

The toothless wonder brought me a packing slip, at 8:07, in the morning, no one is happy at 8:07 in the morning; I can guarantee you when Noah constructed the ark he was not happy at 8:07 in the morning, the only time you are happy at 8:07 is Christmas morning and that’s because there is the promise of presents and food, if he would have brought me a present and food I would have been happy, as it turns out it was just a packing slip. He brings me the packing slip I go “thanks” an appropriate response for 8:07 in the fucking morning. He goes...”you could be a little happy, bitch.” Excuse me? Don’t make me get all ghetto on you because I will, I will show you a whole new side of me that I like to call Sheniqua and let me tell you, she is less than lady like and she will get up and kick your white trailer park trash ass. Would you like a hero cookie and a round of applause for doing your job? I don’t get one for mine so shove it. The rest of the day went like that between us, I won’t get into more details, you get at this point that toothy is a giant dick head, so at 4:30 when I went to leave this hell whole I was stopped by another worker and he let me in on a little bit of information...the toothless wonder went and complained to boss man about my poor attitude. My poor attitude? Right, let me just be overjoyed to deal with you every single day of my life for the last year and a half, Monday through to Friday. Let me just be so fucking happy that I get to look at your gummy smile and bad personal hygiene, let me be ecstatic that I get to smell the remains of your beers from last night because you don’t know how to shower, let me be excited to hear how some hottie from the restaurant across the street totally ask you out on a date, even though she is 18 looks like Megan Fox and has huge fake tits, of courses she wants to go out on a date with you, how could she not? You are just so fucking charming. So boss man now thinks I am a giant bitch and is treating me as such, why you ask? Because boss man loves toothy like he is the king of the trailer park, and boss man already hates me. Do you think boss man would ask me why I am a bitch to toothy? Of course not, he is just going to continue to be a dick to me until I snap and he has a reason to let me go.

I walked out of work and lost it, but not in a Sheniqua way, in a Justine is on the brink of a mental down way... so that is aspect numeral uno of the full fledge break down that commenced last night.

Day 45...This is why they call it work

Boss man and I have been doing so well lately. I mean, I’ve been at my current shitty office job for almost a year. I felt like we’ve made great strides in our relationships, we faced adversity, look it in the eyes and over came it together. We had been crackin’ jokes, swapping stories, you know, pretended to be interested in each others lives out side of work and for the most part he stopped screaming my name.

Until Monday. I don’t know, maybe I am pmsing, maybe he is pmsing, maybe the whole fucking world is pmsing, but it’s like we’ve taken ten steps back in our relationship.

I noticed Monday, he was grumpy, it was going to be a long day of me saying “yes” over and over again. If a person was to just record me talking all day and not actually see what I was doing, they would think I was having mind blowing sex all day (I wish). I say things like, yes, I’m coming, and hold on not yet, and just one more second, all day long and I get to hear my name screamed at me at least 20 times a day. Right? One would think that this would be the beginning of a bad porno, sadly my boss is not hot and kind of smells some times and he just wants me to do things for him all day.

Let me explain some thing to you, kind of like the coffee situation that I wrote about a couple of months ago, he does the same thing with filing. Accounts payable are in his office, so every time he pays a bill, it will sit on his desk and I file them generally all at once, once I’ve attached the bill to it so on and so forth, but some times he has just one or two random bills he will pay and I will leave the invoice on his desk, so he knows to pay it. Monday he had a random bill, he called me into his office and hands me the random bill to file. I walk the three steps to the filing cabinet and file the damn bill. That was it. I swear he just like get me to do things because he can.  What ever, fine. That’s my job, I will do it will a smile while I am screaming fuck you in my head. I was obviously busy writing a blog post. Priorities boss man.

So it doesn’t stop there, later on that day he asks me, where is such and such book? I point him towards our engineers office because that is where this book is. He tells me nope, it’s another copy and he can’t find it so if I could look for it that would be great. THIS BOOKS WAS HARDER TO FIND THAN A DAMN HORCRUX. I found it and I get  “great there’s two, where is the other one?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! I found one. That’s what you get.

I went on two horcrux adventures Tuesday. For random things, I was ready to have a break down. Things that don’t even pertain to my job, random things. I am the fucking Hermione Granger of office shit so I found it, but really, let me do my work in peace.

This is on top of the brown laborer in the back that ask me to get his high school transcripts and e-mail to a university for him. I haven’t done that yet, that is not my job brown man and unless you sign my pay cheques you can go fuck yourself (that’s as nice as I can be right now)

Then…the icing on the cake. He is sitting there with a file folder and he wants me to start to whole punch them with the papers. I am watching him struggle to change the sizing on the whole punch (it was actually hilarious, I wish I could have video taped it) and he looks at me and goes “uhh do you have a glue stick?” and I have him this boggled look like what the fuck are you talking about and say no. He asks me why…he asks me why people! WHY! BECAUSE THIS ISN’T FUCKING ARTS AND CRAFTS! I AM NOT A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER I AM A FUCKING SECRETARY AND IN THE FIVE YEARS I’VE WORKED AS AN OFFICE ASSISTANT NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER NEEDED A GLUE STICK! THAT’S WHY! Sadly you can’t say things like that because you get fired and I need a pay cheque because I am already poor even with a pay cheque every two weeks. So I am off to find a glue stick and I did because...again... I am Hermione fucking Granger and I rock. I am currently suppose to be gluing tank drawings to file folders but I am done work in a half an hour and playing with a glue stick is not happening today, I am going to sit here and wonder why Skipper hasn’t texted me back and over analysis every thing I said and did when we hung out Monday instead. Soo....text me back Skipper. 

Take your love and suck it boss man

You know what adds salt to your wound? When your boss loves his wife so much it would compete with movies such as Walk to Remember or the Notebook. Quotes from today about his wife:

•          (about his business trip to Boston tomorrow) I wish I was just going with my wife. I’d rather take a holiday and spend time with her. She is just so amazing. (this is me rolling my eyes)
•         She is so smart and beautiful. I am so lucky (this is me dry heaving)
•         My wife is proof that there are women that are prettier then super models (Now I am full on vomiting)

Ya. These were all said within the first 4 hours of work. You make me sick boss man. Can’t you just be a prick and let me hate men. You should have heard the shit he was saying last week because it was her birthday, at least last week it was bearable because I was naïve and thought that some one could love me like that. Augh. Some one hurry up with my Taylor Swift.   

Scream My Name

k, I realize that I’ve made my job out to be bad, it’s not all bad, and I like my job. I get stuff done, feel some what valued, and still get time for pinterest at least once a day, and I can wear jeans. Jeans are a big bonus for me because I hate dress pants; they give me a fly penis. For those who don’t know what a fly penis is it’s where your fly is really long and makes a gross bulge when you sit down and it can usually be found in mom jeans or dress pants. But here is what I hate the most about my job, besides the fact that it is not what I love to do, my boss has this incredibly annoying habit, besides just smelling bad some days. He just sits in his office and when he wants me he just screams my name. I don’t understand, he just sits there and yells my name and waits for me to guess what he wants. The only time that has ever happened to me is when I am in bed, you know, like with the boyfriend, and it’s usually followed with “Oh God” or other words, but it usually means I’ve done some thing right. But not at work, when it’s used at work it’s like a guessing game and I usually guess wrong. Take today, or most days, he sits in his big brown chair and will yell my name, so I stop what I am doing and say “yes” than he says nothing…absolutely nothing. Then I know it’s game time.

You can imagine my confusion when I first started. I wasn’t used to it any where except in bed and then it was used as positive re-enforcement so I just kept on doing what I was doing, like I would with the boyfriend. Sadly that guess was wrong. He didn’t want me to just keep ignoring him so he would say my name louder and I would follow with a “yes” or “what can I do for you” and than silence. It took me 3 months to figure out that the screaming of my name meant guess what I want and if you get it wrong jump up as fast as you can so I don’t have to get out of my big brown chair. What I don’t understand as this whole situation could be avoided with a “Justine can you please come here for a second.” That is what normal people would do. Right?

Personally, I think that it was very smart of me to figure it out after three months. So now, after I jump up to his screaming of my name, because I’ve guessed wrong, it is followed with some thing that he feels the need to point out. Generally these are mistakes. Generally these are mistakes made well before my time here. But regardless he feels the need to point them out and make it seem like I have made the mistake. I think he just likes to have people watch him work. Like WOW! Look at me put this invoice in the computer! I nod my head and head back to my desk and continue my work.  But what really gets me is that some times it’s just to make coffee. The coffee machine is between us, so I run to his office and he looks at me like I am an idiot for not knowing he just wants coffee and says “coffee?” I could have saved myself 5 steps if you would have followed my name with “could you please make coffee?” I am going to look up how to read minds on google so I can avoid hearing my name screamed 50 times a day, which one would think is a good thing, but when it’s coming from your boss it is not. Unless your boss is Ian Somerhalder, because it would be awesome if he screamed my name 50 times a day, not matter the reason.