Please lady, educate me about everything else I am doing wrong when it comes to dating

While browsing through the internet, reading different dating articles, I stumbled across this little beauty right here. Just take a minute and go ahead and read that, it’s enlightening isn’t it; women everywhere, the reason you are single is because you’ve chosen not to settle for a man, you are 35 and single and have a baby-less womb and it’s all your fault because you didn’t settle with that one boyfriend who really wasn’t that bad, you just needed to overlook some minor personality flaws and you too could have had your happily ever after, you picky, dumb, bitch.

I realize I haven’t read the whole book, and I am reading an article that obviously paraphrases a whole  book, but from this little article I now have a strong desire to go find her, knock her out and then walk away, not read the book.

This women talks about how women feel a sense of entitlement, how we are too picky and we are judgemental. To her I say, hell yes we are!

The first thing she talks about is women feeling entitled, that we feel like we are awesome, and you know what we should feel like we are awesome! It has taken years for me to get to the point where I say, “You know what, I am awesome, and if you can’t see that than fuck you!” She is saying that because we are told by friends that we deserve better, and any guy would be lucky to have us, we are entitled and we need to compromise and let go of that sense of entitlement if we have any hopes of finding love, and with that sense of entitlement comes this women who is judgemental and picky, if we could just not judge so quickly we might grow to love that man, with a little compromise and less judgement, we too can have our happy ending.

As little girls we are told boys that pick on us, make fun of us, and basically bully us, actually really like us. So boys who cut down our self esteem actually like us? I don’t know how that message started to little girls but it absolutely disgusts me, how is it okay to say to little girls if he hurts your feelings and your self esteem slowly starts to dwindle, he likes you, so don’t be sad that he called you an ugly poo poo head, he likes you. NO! NO! NO! That boy that called you an ugly poo poo head needs his ass kicked and little seven year old girl please don’t stand in the corner and cry, you walk up to him and say “I AM AWESOME! I AM NOT AN UGLY POO POO HEAD AND YOUR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER TO ME!” Then you turn on your little Velcro shoes and you walk away, because you deserve someone who calls you a beautiful girl, not an ugly poo poo head. You, little girl, be picky, find some one who makes you feel special from the moment he meets you, who you feel a connection with, do not settle for a guy who cuts you down, who makes you feel bad, who you don't really like.

As teenage girls we are in a constant battle with ourselves to come into our own, we feel awkward, we are being judged constantly and have to mindset we need to be a certain way to be in with the popular girls, or be pretty, or have guys like us. We are cut down and judge by stupid hockey jocks, the high school quarter back and basically everyone else who doesn’t think you are pretty or special because you are not a size 2; we are cut down by our first boyfriend because we won’t sleep with them, we are cut down by teachers for not getting good grades, we spend years being cut down. Teenage girls are in a constant inner struggle because their self esteem  is constantly being beaten down by their peers, by themselves, and everything else in the whole damn world. But somehow we make it out of high school and we eventually come into our own and once that happens we start to develop some sort of self esteem. We stop spending so much time looking at our flaws and spend some time seeing the good amazing qualities in ourselves and now you want me to sit down and think about everything someone might not like about me? No, I refuse. I will embrace my quirky habits, I will embrace my never ending ability to over analyze every situation, I will embrace the need to constantly have a plan,  I will embrace that sometimes I like to watch Disney movies and sing along, and if someone finds that annoying then he can just mosey on, he doesn’t have to put up with my habits because he loves me, he will love me because of those habits and you know what if I don’t find some mans quirky habits enduring then I shouldn’t be with him, there isn’t room for compromise when it comes to that, because when I haven’t slept in days because I have a sick baby and work full time, you better be damn sure I secretly love how he drives painful slow, or his stories take forever to spit out, because if I don’t, I may just kill him over it. My mother told me once with Kermit, the things that slightly annoying you now, will drive you crazy 20 years from now. So I will judge, I will be picky, and you know what I will appreciate and love  the women I have become and am becoming, because now that I FINALLY have self esteem, now that I am finally proud of who I am, now that can finally see that yes, I have flaws, but I am still awesome, I am entitled, to picky and too judgemental. Fuck her; you can’t take away something that has taken years to build, you can’t tell me that I need to settle and be less picky, because there may not be anything else better out there.  

She then moves on to talk about self love, you know loving yourself enough to put yourself first, to be happy with yourself and not need to be in a relationship to be happy, or loving yourself enough to recognize when a relationship isn’t working and it’s just best to walk away. Samantha says, “I’m going to say the one thing you aren’t supposed to say. I love you...but I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.” What the author of the book says is that if you don’t want to end up alone, Samantha’s message is dangerous, proceed with caution, because if you leave that guy that you just don’t love any more, you may regret it, so don’t leave, you stay, and you love him more than you love yourself. You stay in that relationship because the fear of not finding some one who makes you feel on top of the world is greater than any thing else

If you guys could see me right now, I am turning red from anger, I am slamming my keyboard keys because of the message this lady is sending to women, girls, and teenagers everywhere. We are given one life that is it, why would you waste your time being unhappy in a relationship, of any kind? Why would the fear of being alone be that colossal that we stay in a relationship we aren’t happy in! Why would we stop improving ourselves, why would we stop growing to be a better person because we may have to do that journey alone?  

The message this lady is sending absolutely makes me furious, while there are points that I’m sure are valid, the context in which she is delivering them, and her general message that we need someone to be happy, and it’s our fault if we don’t, and here’s a list of the reasons why, is absolutely wrong. I don’t need a list of things I am doing wrong on top of the list of things I am doing wrong in my head, I don’t need to be told that I shouldn’t love myself and I need to settle if I want to be in a relationship, that I need to not judge a man and be too picky because he may eventually bring me some kind of happiness or better yet, he may be the only one to love those qualities that make you, you! Then once you are in that relationship don’t leave if you aren’t happy, don't you even think about putting your happiness first, because you may regret it, because he may just be the last one to want you, you may not find some one else! And that would just be the end of the world. I don’t feel like I need to compromise just because I want a man to be there for me, I don’t need to compromise to get a fairy tale, I don’t want just any man, I want the right one, and compromising won’t get me that.

So to her I say you are wrong, simple as that. Women you be picky, you find a man that you love unconditionally, that makes you happy every day not just happy eventually, that makes you feel on top of the world, and if there comes a time when you aren’t happy and you’ve tried to fix it, it’s okay to love yourself enough to leave, to try again with some one knew or don't try again, and just love yourself. That being alone, out of a relationship, doesn’t mean you are alone, it means that you are content enough with yourself and strong enough to know that just because you don’t have a relationship doesn’t mean you are alone. To the women who read this article and sat back and evaluate their flaws, I am telling you to stop, embrace the things that make you unique, we’ve spent most of our lives cutting ourselves down or getting cut down, don’t, just stop, you are amazing, and beautiful, you do not need some dumb women telling you that it’s your fault you’re alone and maybe you need to sit back and evaluate everything a man may find annoying. You are perfect the way you are and you will find someone who loves those qualities that made it onto your list.

Not all relationships are never ending, some are short stories, some are long novels, but in the end you need to love yourself enough to never stop growing, to never settling, too never stop loving yourself , even if you fear being alone, because the type of women who does all the things she says will be alone, because she doesn’t love herself.

& Justine said go forth my children and multiple

I work out with my dad and my cousin every day, well okay that’s a lie, I don’t participate every day, I usually drag my ass down 3 to 5 times a week, and spend a significant amount of time drooling over Banana Pants Man (remember him), but in two months I’ve lost 20 freaking pounds. SUCK ON THAT SKINNY JEANS I WILL MAKE YOU MY BITCH SOON ENOUGH! That’s not what I am focusing on today though, my cousin has been a single man for as long as I can remember, he has had his flings, short relationships, one night stands but never has he had a serious relationship. generally he gets fucked over a lot. You probably think it’s weird I know his sexual history, and it is, but he is two years older than me and we went to the same high school and had a lot of mutual friends and it’s a small town. So naturally he has dated around a lot, but over Christmas he was casually dating a girl who went to the same gym as us. She reminds me of a school teacher so for the purpose of this post I will refer to her as the School Teacher, any ways, I drove them home drunk one night from the bar and she was all over him like a gay man on a unicorn, seriously, and she thought I was his sister at the time, this girl needed to get it in a fierce kind of way. Since that night we talk at the gym and she invites me out some times, I usually decline, but all in all I thought she was a nice girl.

While I was pumping the iron yesterday, aka hanging around near Banana Pants Man while he was getting all sweaty and hot and …oh god I need to change my underwear now, ahh focus Justine. Back to my intriguing story…so while I was pumping Iron, my cousin asked me if I was friends with the School Teacher, I said no just casually quick hey how’s your training going, kind of conversations, and I asked why, obviously there is a story here and I want to know it, I love hearing about other peoples drama. He informed me that when they started “hanging out” she was recently divorced and wanted to keep her legs closed till she was comfortable or some shit, he said fine I can wait, not a problem. They had been hanging out for about two months when he found out that she was banging some 20 year old on the side so all the lines of not being comfortable until her divorce was finalized la dee dah bull shit was just lines.

Now here is my confusion, I saw School Teacher in the back of my car giving a lesson in car foreplay 101, obviously I could tell this girl was not the wholesome kind of school teacher, but hey, I don’t judge girls on their sexual adventures, I’m all for it, but he was really confused about the whole situation and really hurt. He thought she was a nice, wholesome, girl.  They weren’t dating exclusively, in fact she had given him the green light to sleep with other girls, and he had, so he was more mad about the lines of bullshit she was feeding him.

Normally, I’d be on my cousins side and I am, I don’t like to see him get hurt, I love the guy, and at first I was like

“Dammmmmmmnnnn boy she played you, what a hoe”  

But then I thought about it…all she did was treat him like most men treat women (yes, I realize how much I hate men at this point in my life and how much I think they are scum bags, ya ya ya). She wasn’t dating him exclusively, she had every right to sleep with whom ever she wanted, he was, and chances are he didn’t call her up after getting down and dirty and say, just a heads up I just got down and dirty just thought you should know, so why should she do the same? If she didn’t want to sleep with two guys at the same time and picked the 20 year old because she knew he was more disposable is it wrong to come up with a lie? I lie about having my period all the time when I don’t want to sleep with a guy, is that any different? Who really knows why she said those lines but I really don’t know if I see the problem there. I get he is hurt she was sleeping with another guy but he was sleeping with other girls? DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARDS I TELL YOU!

Girlfriend had just spent the last 6 freaking years in a relationship, she’s only 25 so that means, she probably slept with one or two guys, I say go free young grass hopper, play the field, see what is out there, welcome to the world of women treating men as disposable as they've treated us for years!

So what do you think? Bitch be a hoe…or bitch just dating around?  Really, am I just a crazy hoe for saying she was dating around and there is nothing wrong with that? 

Side note: it's a damn good thing none of the guys I am currently dating read my blog, not that I am dating that many guys at this point in time, but really my inner Samantha Jones/I am women hear me roar voice is really coming through lately. 

Here I go ranting about the perks of being a women again

So…I snapped out of my “maybe a relationship wouldn’t be so bad and I should take Mchottie up on his offer” delusion last night (that Allah that didn’t last long) and by snapped out I mean Dana sat me down and talked some sense into me and Mike showed me a video I made in a very drunk state on Saturday night and I am mouthing the words “I HATE HIM!” because he wont participate in my video to Mike where I drunkenly say I love you a million times.  So no fairy tale love adventure there which means I can stop justifying all the red flags because he looks so hot without a shirt on. Aren’t we all a little proud?

There was one conversation we had when he was drunk and I was sober (also another proud moment wouldn’t you say). We were commenting on a girl at the pub who was a little all over the place and he made the comment women should be pure, meaning he is labeling women as whores and skanks for sleeping around. Ya, buddy, let me tell you some thing, I have the strongest opinion on this, and I shared my opinion with him. He still held the belief that while men are able to sleep with hundreds of women, women can not sleep with hundreds of men because it’s not a desirable quality and she should be pure. Biggest load of bull shit to come out of his mouth all weekend. I have so many problems with this, my biggest problem is that double standard for women. Why should women be denied some thing that feels good, is healthy, and is fun just because they aren’t in a relationship? They shouldn’t be. Plain and simple. Men can go out every weekend and bang a different chick but women are suppose to sit at home and wait for this magically prince charming to come and sweep her off her feet? No such luck buddy. If I’m a whore you’re a whore and the whole fucking world is a whore.

Now I am not saying women can do every thing men can do, we can’t. There are things men can do, like pee standing up, that I will never be able to do. But I’ll be damned if men get the luxury of sex and women don’t for the sake of staying pure!

Also let me do some quick math for you, let’s say you are in a happy and healthy relationship and you have sex two times a week for a year, you have sex 104.36 times in that year (the .36 are the times you faked orgasms). You aren’t a whore or a skank because you’ve only had sex with one guy, but you’ve let him stick it in your bum, done some crazy things with a blind fold and whip and maybe even made a home made porno, you still aren’t a whore. You are a nice, wholesome girl, who has only had sex with one person. YAY!

On the flip side of that, lets take single Sally, and she has sexual relations with a new guy once a month, so she get laid, once a month, if we are going with the one night stand kind of deal. Sally has sex 12 times, maybe 15 if she stays the night a couple times. Further more that’s an extremely depressing number, 12 to 15 times, she better be getting a discount at the sex store for all the vibrators she must buy. But back to my mathematical example, she is having nice wholesome one night stand, man is probably on top, lights are off, no crazy whips or lube sex. She’s are a whore. How does that even make sense! Relationship Rachel in the top example is having sex 6.96 times more than her! And! Not only that but relationship Rachel up there is doing all kinds of freaky shit in the sheets because she is comfortable with relationship Ronald!  But Sally’s number is higher, therefore she be a hoe. Sorry Sally, not only are you having less sex, but you are the whore his mother warned him about!

I am not saying go out and have unprotected sex with the whole world, but I just feel like the same standards should be there for men and women, just be safe and know what you are getting yourself into with a one night stand because they aren’t for everyone.  And if you run into a douche like Mchottie who says he only dates girls who have never had one night stands, do like I did and lie through your fucking teeth. 

HEY YA'LL! IT'S A DIVORCE PAAAARRTTY!

I was just invited to the best party ever. A divorce party! Doesn’t that sound like a blast? I’ve been to some great parties in my day; I’ve thrown some even better ones, toga parties, lingerie parties, shot parties, parties of basically every kind! I really like to party, that is not a character flaw, that is being awesome, you should try it some time. But regardless, you know you’ve reached a new stage in your life when you are now being inviting to divorce parties! I think I can put away my toga and trade it in for a nice pencil skirt and blouse and get ready to fully rock the divorce party! Not that I can go because I will be in Toronto but if I could I would so be there. I debated for a minute pushing my flight back so I could go to the divorce party just to see what it’s all about! Sadly I think my vagina will divorce me if it doesn't get loved soon so off to Toronto I go.

But why not celebrate marrying the wrong guy and having it fail? RIGHT?! I mean what better way to hide your pain and devastation than a divorce party. You celebrated your love for this man with a wedding, which is basically a really pretty, really expensive party; why not throw a divorce party to celebrate loving yourself enough to get out of a bad marriage?

Some may have the opinion that this glorifies divorce and it’s devalues the vow of marriage, for better or worse but if it’s worse, you can have a kick ass party and say 

"see you later ass muncher, I’m taking the house!" 

That is not my opinion but I could see it being a popular one and if it is your opinion keep it to yourself because this is my mother fucking blog and I do what I want and I think you are wrong.

*My opinion is that marriage went to hell a long time ago. It did, basically the same time we gave women rights marriage was doomed. I could go on a rant as to why that is but I already kind of did a while ago in a post here and I’ll save that for my first interview on Ellen because it’s a topic I am actually really passionate about. Yes, I realize there are for more important things to be passionate about like staving children in Africa and bullying.

Marriage has fallen apart though, people treat their significant other with little respect and we’ve become lazy in love. So is it better to stay in a loveless marriage where you are unhappy? No, my friends, it is not. I do not come from a divorced home, my parents are still happily hating each other so I don’t know the effects of divorce on kids first hand and I've seen some kids really be effected by it and some not at all. I could google but that doesn’t support my case so I will pleasantly ignore that as well. I know the effects of staying in a loveless relationship though and I am a better person out of that relationship than I was in it. I can’t imagine staying in a marriage where a man or women made you feel degraded, belittled, unloved, etc, etc, etc.  So what is wrong with saying to yourself I want more out of this life, I want to live while I am alive, it was nice knowing you but I think you’re a douche now so you take the house and I’ll take savings account and we can call it even.  I am all for trying to make it work and I think you should put the effort in but some times you just can’t fix it, so why make it longer and more painful than it has to be? And then you go out and you throw a party to celebrate loving you again and you invite me because I need more single friends, people in love make me want to hurl, single people who are happy with themselves and don’t whine about not being love those are my kind of people. Let’s get drunk and make fun of our ex’s and the douche bags that ended up in our beds after them!

* I am not even just making a random statement. I googled and did some research to back up a statement that seems so obscure and unbelievable and slightly sexist. If you don’t believe me go look at this chart here, women could legally vote in Alberta in 1916, so 3 years later the divorce rate started to go up. Coincidence? I think not. 

He's just an asshole and she's just a whore

I don’t claim to be a saint when it comes to dating, I’ve made my fair list of mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. I have broken hearts and had mine broken. I claimed that I would never date again and lusted after a guy after one night together; relationships have the ability to make us invincible and break us down all in one breath.

We’ve heard our girlfriends say to us, fuck men they are all assholes, when we are sitting there drowning our pain in ice cream, wine and bad chick flicks because after three dates with a guy he suddenly isn’t interested. We’ve heard guys say, what ever women are all just crazy whores, as they drown their pain over beers then shots then in the bed of another women.

It’s true, both sexes at some point in time have made a generalized claim about the other and sworn them off with the testimonial that they are all crazy, assholes, dirt bags, bitches, whores… the list could go on but you get my point. I have seen both, women treating men like doormats and men treating women like gum on their shoes; hell I even treated a guy like he was a doormat. I’ve watched as my friends have cried tears of frustration and heart break and that applies to men and women. Generally it is more so women, maybe because women are more open with their feelings, maybe we just have more feelings to hurt or we invest more of ourselves earlier on? Maybe women are just programmed to love unconditionally, like we’ve never been hurt, maybe we have the gift to forget the bad and only remember the good.

As  a single female I have  had more of a chance to see how men act in and out of a relationship, how they continually cross lines and hurt feelings and at times I’ll admit I even enabled it. I’ve known that a guy has been dating some one else and let him kiss me, tell me I am beautiful and he didn’t even like the other girl, I’ve known that he has a wife and let him ‘accidently” grab my ass or send an inappropriate text message. So not only have I participated in this acts knowing fully that my actions could potentially hurt some one else, I’ve cried the victim when similar events where inflicted upon me. I mean, haven’t we all at some point in time? Maybe some times unintentionally, but generally we know what our actions will produce even if we want to suppress the feelings of guilt for the momentary pleasure and attention we receive.

How ironic when you are the victim you wonder how any one could ever be so cruel, how they could hurt you so much, how could they knowingly hurt you, but when you are enabling the behavior it is harmless, it didn’t mean any thing and it wasn’t a big deal and you don’t understand how some one could get so upset over something so stupid as a seemingly harmless text message between friends, a flirty conversation, lunch date or a harmless kiss. As a generation we have the ability to justify are actions when it comes to pretty much any thing or maybe it's just the people I know.  But we know when our actions will have negative repercussions and hurt some one, we just don’t take the time to care about how they would feel, we put ourselves first. And is that wrong? To put ourselves first? To step over some ones feelings for the gain of our own? I guess it’s a matter of perception, making your actions justifiable. Shouldn’t women stick up for one another, isn’t that what Spice Girls taught us?  Is there some kind of scale that makes our actions of enabling okay? If this action makes me happy for an allotted period of time and only hurts this person for an allotted period of time is it justifiable? Is there an invisible line that makes it okay if your actions only inflict a small amount of pain on some one compared to the pain of breaking their heart? Or do we just act and not think of the consequences until later. What if this person has hurt you; does the saying two wrongs don’t make a right still stand true or do you get some kind of validation by hurting them? What if the validation that you sought after only hurts you more. What if you feel a sense of empowerment because of it? Is there ever a time that we can justify hurting some one else for our own personal happiness? Shouldn’t you put yourself first…If you don’t who else will? I guess that’s just part of dating; a part of life. I’m sure any successful person had to step on some toes to advance just as I am sure they were probably stepped on for other people to advance. So in the game of dating are there rules or is it true that all is fair and love and war? Rules make it sound like a game but dating is a game. But can there every really be a winner when it comes to dating? Dating is cruel and twisted game if you ask me. One that you have to play more calculated than chest and when you play it right you never even really win, you just advance to the game of love, which is far more twisted because you are dealing with far more complex feelings and the ability to hurt and get hurt are just amplified. So does any one ever really win when it comes to a game of hearts or are we all just losers eventually?

But we’ve all been there, felt victimized (not just by Regina George haha) and we’ve all been the offender. I will make the general statement that as a single women I’m finding that it is men acting in the wrong, women by far do the enabling, but it seems to me that men make that first step to cross lines. So is it wrong for women to take the stance of a man; to treat men how they’ve treated us? Does that put me into the category of a whore or a bitch? Probably, but it wouldn’t be the first time I get called a whore and it wont be the last. Women seem to get labeled endlessly for our actions where men would just be categorized as a man just being a man, but what if I just stopped caring? What if I just said fuck you all I really don’t care what you think.  Because I’ve reached that point. Maybe I’ve just seen to much, cried to many tears, listened as my friends cried, put effort into dating a man who will try to be different, only to end up the same.

The game of dating is complicated and I am not willing to get hurt any more at this point, I am not willing to listen to the bullshit lines that you spew at me in hopes that it will help you in your quest to get me into your bed, I am not willing to listen to the words you say in the morning, your apologies, your empty promises. Words hold little to no value because time and time again the only thing that remains constant in dating is empty words and heart break. So what if I stop caring how it will effect you and start caring more about how it will effect me? What if I spent less time thinking about you and more time thinking about me and not worry if I hurt you, because I bet I am not even a thought in your head, even when I can’t get you out of mine. 

Day 27...Friends with benefits

You know what baffles me? Men. Men and their inflated self confidence. Women, in general, on the contrary have very little self confidence. Probably because men stole it from us. But men…oh men, they think that just because you had a roll around in the hay with them that you like them, that you have a couple conversations with them that you are in love and heaven help us if they don’t feel the same because then they would break our poor, poor hearts. Could it be that we just liked talking to you, and hell, you weren’t to bad in bed, so we could continue to hang out and once in a while have some fun? This is obviously directed at SSM, but since being single I have noticed this about a lot of men. SSM, let me be honest, you only cross two of the 15 things on my checklist off and one of them involved your stomach. So that’s not even half, so don’t go tooting your own horn. While you do in fact have a nice stomach, and half ass no your way around the bed room, you my dear, are not exactly dating material. Especially because I am not looking to date.

I mean after my last break up I had James. James was awesome, we were friends, we partied together, and depending on the night we would have sex. We both knew that we were no way compatible to date, we both knew that it was strictly friends with benefits, and it was awesome. Most functional relationship of my whole life thus far. We were honest, he never slept over, we never cuddled, and he was dependable. Sadly, he now has a great girlfriend, and now I have lost my dependable lay. And it’s not exactly like you can hold auditions for fuck buddies, and it’s not like I want to go through the work of finding a new one because this person has to be good in bed, be honest, not think just because you like talking to him you are in love with him, must be dependable and he has to be hot. He has to be able to do every thing your last boyfriend couldn’t do in bed, because that’s basically what he is there for, to get you over your relationship and get you laid and in the end you can high five and part ways. No mess, just a simple thanks, glad we can still be friends and drink together every once in a while and call it a day.

The major things that gets in the way with finding a new “Friend” is men and their inflated self confidence. They all think that they are Gods gift to women and we will become emotionally attached. We wont. Trust me. We picked you because of your total lack of date-ability. 

Love your ex girlfriend...who is confused when it comes to other men