Day 37: Recap of the break up

I’ve been so wrapped up in my life that I forgot to noticed that I have been single for over a month, so in honor I am going to recap the last month of my break up from Kermit. If you read my blog every day than you will pretty much know every thing and you can just chime in tomorrow. So here is my month recap

We break up, I am a sad panda. I read It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, and so begins my sixty day journey. You should always listen to this book, even if you think that the book is stupid and you can make up your own rules to breaking up. You can’t, it always ends up this way, some people can just sever ties a week after the break up, some people 2 months, some people a year, but it has to happen in order for you to move on. They are part of your past, let yourself have happy and healthier future sooner and cut ties.

Anyways, you aren’t suppose to talk to him (or her) for sixty days, I lasted a week and caved, obviously at this point I was still delusional that he was an okay human being, when in fact he is not.  I have so many questions as to where and why things went wrong, why he wasn’t willing to make an effort (we now know it’s because he is a lazy piece of shit) but those questions remain unanswered and always will and I am okay with that at this point, mostly because I can look back and think about Jenna putting cereal in his bed and I laugh. Kermit and I have break up sex some where in there. He was actually not half bad but I may have been delusional and side tracked thinking this meant he actually loved me and wanted to sweep me off my feet and make it all up to me, turns out he was just horny and still a douche bag. Kermit’s grandma passes away and it’s sad and the beginning of the longest morning period for a grandparent ever starts,  you would have thought she was Mother Teresa, thus begins my annoyance and the slow separation of my love for marriage and my love for him. (I know that makes me sound bitchy, but you can go back and read the post about it and you will agree with me). Christmas happens in there too, my dad smoked a joint on Christmas, coupon queen got mad, my sister organized games for Christmas morning, I shopped a lot, and Abby and Jade come for a visit and I realize the lack of suitable men to date.

Then, I meet a guy on New Years, now known as SSM. His face is meh and he may have had a girlfriend but you will be to busy looking at his stomach to even notice his face and I don’t know what his girlfriend did but she was dumb not to keep that penis on lock down. You find a penis like that and you don’t let it go.  You will also be distracted by his huge penis, seriously, I have a picture, I wont post it (even though I want to), but you know how to get a hold of me if you need some cheering up. On that note, no one should ever send me a picture of their genitals because when ever any one is having a bad day, I just send them the picture of SSM penis. You’d be surprised how much it actually cheers people up. I am always giving.  Any ways, I may have projected my feelings for Kermit onto SSM, may have scared him away, but not before we had sexual relations. Mind. Blown. Huge wake up call that I just spent the last two and half years having poor to mediocre sex with Kermit when I could have been having good to mind blowing sex.

At this point Kermit and I have moved on, had a talk, no longer trying to work things out and just going to be friends. I am a happy camper. Until I decide that I can have a couple drinks with some friends on a Friday night. I hadn’t had a drink through out our whole break up. Which I highly recommend because you make poor choices when you are drunk, at least I do. So I drunk dial Kermit and ask him why he hurt me so much. He hangs up the phone, I continue my quest to find answers the next day, and thus leads to the fight that ended our “friendship” and lead us to know where we are not on talking terms.

That is it. All wrapped up in four paragraphs. It seems so simple, break up, cry, go back, cry, rebound sex, fight to end friendship, break up finalized. All in thirty sum days, I have made huge changes, I have a sense of relief that I know longer have to make some one else happy before I am happy. I can chase my own dreams, I can do things for me, I can focus on me, I don’t need to cover up my feelings with drugs and alcohol, and I can just be happy, move on in a healthy way. I can look back and say it was for the best, I can look back and say, at this point I wish the best for Kermit, but I hope the best is a bad case of crabs and ending up in living in a trailer with a wife named Gertrude, who is 300 pounds and used to have a penis. But I am happy. I made myself happy, I didn’t need him, and while I can’t say I have moved on completely and am ready to date, if there is any suitable men out there, I am ready to let go of him and have hot sex.  So that’s it, I am half way there and feel amazing about it, I can let go of every thing, start the next process and focus on me… This is my last time I am going to end my post like this because he isn’t who I am writing to any more, I am writing for me, I am living for me and it feels good. So on that note

Love your ex girlfriend. 

Day 30... When we fucked your vagina didn't seem this big?

Well my dear readers, I had an eventful night last night. I went to the Hobbit with Kermit, as friends, we each paid our own way in to validate the friendship lines would not be crossed. Once we got out of the movie I checked my Facebook, because that’s what normal people do. I notice that SSM has made some melodramatic Facebook status about life choices and how hard they are, blah blah blah, I have a big vagina.  Then the ever eventful Facebook relationship status change came after that. SSM went from being “in a relationship” to “single.” Uhh when we shagged (yes that is what I am calling it) last Friday night you mean to tell me that your relationship was still intact so much that you hadn’t bother to change your Facebook status? You had time to buy condoms specifically so we could have sex but you didn’t have time to change your Facebook relationship status?  You mean to tell me when you kissed me on New Years and asked me to come home with you your relationship was still Facebook official? I don’t maybe it’s the girl in me but when I end a relationship I purge myself of every thing to do with him. Pictures, poems, movie tickets from our first date, presents and oh ya….I change my damn Facebook relationship status to single and ready to mingle.

 Oh life, you are a tricky, tricky bitch because what happens  next blows my mind, and not in a sexual way, which is the only way I want my mind blow at this point in time. The first comment is from his ex (or still current girlfriend who really knows with woman), and it reads “Great. Let the world no.” Well my first point is this dumb chick doesn’t know the proper use of “know” and my second point is that your boyfriend put his dick inside me, multiple times, less then a week ago; I think at that point it’s probably best to call your relationship quits and make it official.  Then it gets better, because it’s my life, and well, it wouldn’t be my life if God didn’t have to twist the knife in a little deeper to make sure I am good and emotionally dead, he comments, “there is know use in pretending any more </3”. Uhhh, just out of curiosity did I dream that we had sexual intercourse a week ago? Furthermore, what kind of grown man makes a broken heart?  Can you figure out your emotional baggage before you put your p in my v? Could you figure your shit out before you ask for my number and text me all the time?

I’d like to say that my story stops there but we all know that I am an emotional cutter, so I text him. Dear God, why isn’t there a lock on your phone that says “do not text him, you have zero dignity left, ZERO, put the phone down” then it would have to not let me text him because I can justify all my crazy emotional cutting, it’s like a special gift I have.   But phones don’t have that option so text him, some thing along the lines of “you okay? Rough night I take it?” he replies back some text message about being okay and it was a rough night, and I reply in a way to make it seem like I am not jumping for joy and he hoping he will want to have intercourse again, and he replies some thing about how he was stupid to keep going back to her and he was going to bed.

Great. Good chat. Let’s do it again some time. This man clearly is not into me, this man clearly does not get the hint that his relationship with his ex-girlfriend was over probably the second time they broke up (this is time number five I think). This man is clearly dumb and thank God I was not more invested. I mean, I am fucked up, but at least I know. So that was my Wednesday night. I clearly have the worst taste in men alive and I am seriously debating getting a cat at this point. They would be more emotionally available then the men I pick.

Your ex-girlfriend, who is high-fiving you, because at least I knew I was your ex! 

Day 27...Friends with benefits

You know what baffles me? Men. Men and their inflated self confidence. Women, in general, on the contrary have very little self confidence. Probably because men stole it from us. But men…oh men, they think that just because you had a roll around in the hay with them that you like them, that you have a couple conversations with them that you are in love and heaven help us if they don’t feel the same because then they would break our poor, poor hearts. Could it be that we just liked talking to you, and hell, you weren’t to bad in bed, so we could continue to hang out and once in a while have some fun? This is obviously directed at SSM, but since being single I have noticed this about a lot of men. SSM, let me be honest, you only cross two of the 15 things on my checklist off and one of them involved your stomach. So that’s not even half, so don’t go tooting your own horn. While you do in fact have a nice stomach, and half ass no your way around the bed room, you my dear, are not exactly dating material. Especially because I am not looking to date.

I mean after my last break up I had James. James was awesome, we were friends, we partied together, and depending on the night we would have sex. We both knew that we were no way compatible to date, we both knew that it was strictly friends with benefits, and it was awesome. Most functional relationship of my whole life thus far. We were honest, he never slept over, we never cuddled, and he was dependable. Sadly, he now has a great girlfriend, and now I have lost my dependable lay. And it’s not exactly like you can hold auditions for fuck buddies, and it’s not like I want to go through the work of finding a new one because this person has to be good in bed, be honest, not think just because you like talking to him you are in love with him, must be dependable and he has to be hot. He has to be able to do every thing your last boyfriend couldn’t do in bed, because that’s basically what he is there for, to get you over your relationship and get you laid and in the end you can high five and part ways. No mess, just a simple thanks, glad we can still be friends and drink together every once in a while and call it a day.

The major things that gets in the way with finding a new “Friend” is men and their inflated self confidence. They all think that they are Gods gift to women and we will become emotionally attached. We wont. Trust me. We picked you because of your total lack of date-ability. 

Love your ex girlfriend...who is confused when it comes to other men

In my nine days of christmas...my truely love gave to me nothing because I don't have a true love

 Well, I have been horrible the last two weeks at writing every day with this whole break up situation so I will break down my two week vacation from work.

Christmas eve- well Jeffrey, that special man had a lot to drink, this made Christmas Eve with the family interesting to say the least. Also Kermit came over, three hours late, but he slow danced with me outside while it was snowing. It was romantic. The first fight we got into he pulled me into his arms and danced with me outside his truck. He left shortly after that but I did think that my very drunk father was going to knock him out, he didn’t, so all in all it was a win.

Christmas day- there were presents involved and who doesn’t like presents!

Boxing day- I was up at 4 o’clock and Kermit picked me up at 5 and we went shopping all morning. It was OK  Kermit was kind of grumpy, probably because he isn’t get laid and I made him come shopping with me.

Dec 27- Kermit’s grandma passed away. She has been extremely sick for a long time, like before we started dating, so I personally see this as a good thing because her quality of life was extremely poor. The lady hasn’t said a sentence in the two and half years we dated. Although it’s sad, I really think she isn’t in pain any more and so that it is kind of a blessing. But I don’t voice that opinion because Kermit is very sad, obviously. I saw Kermit’s mom that day too and I think I missed her almost as much as Kermit.

Dec. 28 – I took a road trip with my sisters, mom and niece! We went shopping. I was bored after a couple of hours so I took on the roll of hanging out with my niece, Bess, we walked around Home Sense playing a harmonica and dancing. People were staring at me but I am sure it is because of how awesome I am with a harmonica. If harmonica playing and tap dancing were actual careers I am certain I would excel at them and not  be so damn lost with what I want to do with the rest of my life

Dec. 29 – I party rocked that night with a bunch of Abbey’s friends. Oh man she has hilarious friends. I also gave my number to a guy from Perth. He never called/texted. I now hate all guys from Perth. I significantly lowered my standards so that this wouldn’t happen. Dam you guy from Perth. Why you know call me?! Being single is hard. Kermit is some where in Saskatchewan being sad. This begins the start to my annoyance of the morning of his grandma. I am a horrible person.

Dec. 30 – I am obviously exhausted from party rocking the night before so I shopped and slept. Kermit has now reached full annoyance level of being sad. I am going to hell. I know. Horrible person. But I have zero grandparents left, my mother grew up without parents, millions of children grow up dealing with the loss of a parent or parents at a young age, or parents the loss of a child. I have much more sympathy for those people who have lost parents at a young age, a child, but a grandparents, especially ones where you know how sick they are and how much pain they are in,   I will give you a pat on the back, give you my condolence and hope you are mature enough to realize that they lived a long, happy life and while yes it is sad, we don’t need to talk about it in every single conversation like it’s the end of the world… Straight to hell is where I am going.

Dec. 31 -  HAPPY NEW YEARS! Well, let me tell you. This may have been one of the best New Years Events I have participated in. I went to that self esteem boosting pub that Dana and I like to go to and ran into Jenna’s brother and all his friends. And well,  I met a boy. A nice boy, with even nicer abs. Dear God be jealous, the things I would lick off his stomach.  So we went back to his older brothers house (not just me and him, I am a classy Cassie) and this is where my story gets awesome! Guess who lives in the basement of that house that I went to! Kermit’s step brother! How glorious is that! Guess who got kissed on that brothers couch! ME! HA! If that isn’t karma kicking Kermit in the frog balls I don’t know what is. I felt super guilty. Like actually really guilty for kissing sexy stomach man. I mean I shouldn’t, we aren’t together, he let me walk away, he isn’t fighting for me, hell we barely talk, he doesn’t even seem interested in me. But I still feel guilty.

Jan. 01 – Sexy stomach man messages me on Facebook first thing that morning (we’ve actually been facebook friends for years, I guess because we have a lot of mutual friends, but we’ve never talked on it, I did casually creepy on him once). My stomach started doing back flips. I am horrible at games, I used to rock at them, I knew what to say, when it say it, because I practiced a lot in my on-line dating stage, now I am out of practice. I want to just be like this is what I am want/need if you can’t do these things then tell me now because I am not wasting my time on another relationship of lies.  Sexy stomach man asked me to come over, I know that’s code for sex, my momma didn’t raise know fool, and as good as a roll in the hay would be at this point, I have to be selective of my sexual partners cause well, I wasted all my random sex being a skanky hoe at 18. 

So that was my holiday. Hope yours will filled with a lot more sex then mine was ;) 

Love your ex-girlfriend who partied rocked the holiday away