Day Eleven: Foot fetish

I have nothing new to report on the break up situation. I mean he is still all texty and I am still replying but he has yet to decide if he is willing to make the changes I need to work on our relationship. So again, don’t take relationship advice from me because I was good at it for about a week. At work there one of our suppliers is very friendly (read flirty) with me and I kind of like it because he is kind of cute for an older guy (he is like 35 not like 80 so he is not my knight in a shinning wheel chair). His advice was to have a roll around in the hay with some one else, I think he was suggesting himself and if he wasn’t a province away and I was drinking I could potentially take him up on that offer. But that got me thinking about sleeping with people and the whole number thing, how many is to many, why is it different for girls and guys,  what’s the difference between having random sex once a week and having sex with the same guy 6 times a week, those kinds of things. I will confess I went through a slutty faze around 18 and had a number of sexual encounters, I have since matured, walked away STD free and don’t have random hot sex any more, plus I was in a relationship so that wasn’t allowed. So last night I sat down with Jenna and Dana and made a list of every one I’ve slept with and you know what I was pleasantly surprised! I wasn’t as slutty as I thought! So that is a bonus! You should all feel very proud.

While making my list I then had to remember all the weird sexual encounters I’ve had and while I thought I had some weirdo’s, nothing, I mean nothing tops Katy’s story. She came with me to my Christmas party last week and she told me she had a story. She was set up by her married friends with this “great guy who would be perfect for her!” So she went out on a date and it was nice, he was hot, all around seemed like a normal guy you could totally date. She went out on a couple more dates with this guy when things lead to the bedroom. This my dear, dear readers, is when things took a turn for the worse. HE ASKED HER TO RUB HIS DICK WITH HER FOOT! What’s even better is once you are in that situation what do you do?! Do you get up and say you are freaky and I am not into that, do you pleasantly say no and then continue to have sex with the weirdo or do you just do it and pray that it will be over quickly. Well she went with option three! She said she cringed and just did it. She said that looking back there were signs. On the first date he noticed her totally cute shoes (red flag he is either gay or has a foot thing), then he noticed her pedicure the second date, then offered to rub her feet on the third movie date! Those are the signs ladies, run if any of those three things are mentioned in the first three dates. But it gets better still! I know, you don’t think it can, but it totally does. He texted her the next day asking for another date, her reply…

“I’m a dancer, my feet usually have blisters and calluses, I don’t think this will work between us. Have a great day though!”  

I am serious! Who replies like that! She said she didn’t know what else to do because they have mutual friends, at this time I replied you could have just said nothing? Pretend that you lost your phone and you didn’t get another one again. That’s what I would have done, I also wouldn’t have given the foot job. Although one time some guy paid me twenty bucks to suck on my toes at the bar…I obviously let him and bought shots wit the $20.  Foot fetishes are only expectable when there is money involved.

But the moral of this story my friends is why you test drive the car before you buy it because had she waited she could have totally ended up smitten with this guy and walking down the ailse because she was saving herself till marriage and then got a pleasant surprise on the wedding night. 

Love your ex-girlfriend who is thanking God you didn't have a foot fetish?

I fucked your dad. sorry

Praise Allah! Abby and Jade are back in town! I can hardly contain my excitement! It is the best Christmas present ever! In anticipation of their arrival tomorrow I am going to share with you my latest conversation with Abby and Jade…

Me to Jade and Abby: Can we go out Saturday? Abby I know you fly in Saturday but you will just have to man up and you aren’t allowed to use it as an excuse

Abby: I meant to tell you that my parents are having a family get together and I want to invite my close friends then we can go out after

Me: Done. Does one of your besties include two men we can romp? Because that would be grand.

Abby: DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?! Of course there will be no eligible bachelors to speak of at my house

Me: … fine. I’ll just settle for your dad

Abby: Justine that’s gross don’t say things like that

Me: I’m laughing. Can I still come?

Me: (three minutes later) … I don’t mean with your dad I meant to the party

Me: (ten minutes later) … you aren’t laughing are you. You should be happy because I am in such good spirits

Abby: Fuck you.

Me: I’ve already fucked your dad, you wanting to make it a family affair is just weird.

Jade: (laughing hysterically) Justine you are cray

Day Ten: break up sex is the best

There is some thing about break up sex that makes sex even better. I broke every rule last night. I was out with my friend Matt who is also going through a break up and he said something to me that made my heart melt, he said that there isn’t a future he pictured that didn’t involve his ex girlfriend, he knows he didn’t treat her like she deserved and he wanted to fix it, he wanted to love her. I thought about what he said, when I picture my future there isn’t one where I can’t see him, so I went over to where we used to live. I could tell he was nervous, maybe because he thought I was there to slash his tires or put cereal in his bed again, but he was nervous and well one thing lead to another and break up sex happened. I know the book would come and hit me on the head because I am taking so many steps backwards but the thing is I just want him. Part of me thinks some times you have to lay every thing on the line so you don’t look back and say “if I only would…” I mean not always because there are relationships that are better to walk away from but I couldn’t walk away from him knowing that I love him as much as I do. So I left my dignity and self respect at the bar and drove my ass to his house.

Seeing him made my heart melt.  I felt happy, it might have just been the hormones or amazing sex but lying in his arms after was the happiest I’ve felt in so long. I didn’t think about him lying to me or if he loved me, I didn’t think about any thing except for us lying together and how happy it made me and how happy he looked and how he is what I want more then anything. But then reality sunk in, it is now more complicated then before. He talked about how much I love him and how he screwed every thing up, which he did, but there are two people in a relationship and I made mistakes too, but his showed me so much disrespect and pain and I gave him a chance to fix it and he didn’t care until it was to late.

So now I am left wondering do I give him anther chance to fix it? Has he learned from his mistakes? Is it stupid to think people have changed? My therapist says I need to let go of the should of, could of, what ifs and just let it be and it will work itself out and I will be okay. To my therapist I said make my decisions for me because this is obviously to hard for me and Taylor Swift has yet to right a song about this so I don’t know what to do!

I seriously blame societies up bringing of girls. Women are lead to believe they will find this great love, some thing tragic will happen, the man will realize what he lost and come after the women and they will live happily ever after. Seriously think about it, Beauty and the Beast (that crazy beast locked away her father, pretty ruthless), The Notebook (blow out of a fight, not talking for years, her showing up at his house before her own wedding), A Walk to Remember (he was a douche who almost killed some one, she changed him and he fell in love with her), Ten Things I Hate About You (the only thing I remember about this movie is the line “I hate your stupid combat boots” but I think it had some thing to do with love and a man fucking up), all these stories in some form or another have a man breaking the heart of a women and him doing some thing grand to get her back, to let her know he loves her and that he is sorry. All these tragic events happen at different points in a love story but they have the common theme that women all forgive and take back the man. Name one story where the women fucks up and the man takes her back? It doesn’t happen, not in real life and not in love stories. He usually finds some women near the end who was helping him to get over the break up. And that my lady friends is why women suck at break ups. We hold onto the idea that there will be some grand gesture of love and we take them back to have our happily ever after. Men take note that if you want a women back you need a huge plan to show your love and how much you’ve changed or how sorry you are for what ever reason she left your sorry ass. If you want her don’t sleep with another women, don’t sit around getting drunk, or feeling sorry for yourself, plot a way to get her back. She will probably fall for it,  I did and he didn’t even try that hard.

Last night I kind of got my grand gesture, I mean there wasn’t flowers, or a ring, or a outpouring of love poems and he certainly didn’t build my dream house like Noah did in the Notebook but this is real life and I should probably lower my expectations. He cried though, I could tell he knew how badly he fucked up, I could tell he missed me, I could see that he loves me in his eyes, at least I think I could, that or I was so blinded for my want to see those things that I made them up in my head and he just wanted the fuck and then for me to leave. I mean, for him, who has been about as romantic as a Homer Simpson for the last six months it was a big deal for him to make me feel that loved, for him to be honest with his feelings. It meant a lot to me. He means a lot to me.

I am giving him space, I am going to continue to work on myself and we still aren’t together. I need him to know if he can be what I need and what I need is some one who supports me, understands me, listens to me, respects me and above all else loves me beyond compare. We are now stuck in this limbo and I told him to call me when he figures out if he can be those things…an hour an a half later he texted me about your fish… “Sir. Winston the second died” so I am going to guess that means that’s another metaphor for our relationship, or that he was dumb ass and forgot to feed his fish.

I am not holding my breath that I’ll get what I want in the end, which is him and for us to both want to fix this relationship, not just me. But I promised myself I wouldn’t sit around and wait for him. I will continue to move on with my life  and work on myself and if he wants me he going to have to chance me down, prove his love and put some god damn effort into this relationship and show me what he wants. So that’s where I am at today. If you are taking break up advice from me, now would be a good time to stop

Love your ex girlfriend who broke every rule in this dam book last night

Day nine: sneaper with a great personality

You know what I find funny, the outpouring of messages and texts one gets when switching their Facebook status to single. Seriously, people you haven’t talked to in years all of a sudden want to know what’s new and exciting and are concerned with what you are doing on the weekend? Well people, I am not looking to get my sneaper touched if that’s what you are asking. I’d like to think that I am that important and they are talking to me for my charm but sadly I think it’s my sneaper that is important and charming. Dam you sneaper why are you more interesting then my personality.

But really, there are people messaging me I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 18 and at the time I talked to them because I knew it would piss my then boyfriend off. What I find funny as much as my sneaper has not been touched by a penis in … a long time…none of these men are even remotely close to being the right decision. Sure a lot of them are nice guys, cool to be friends with,  maybe one if I had the right amount of alcohol and another if I wanted to hurt some one but I am not drinking and I am working on forgiving people and not having revenge sex. I mean at this point I don’t even think hot gym guy, who is now going to be known as banana man, would have a shot because I am 99.9% sure I’d start crying in the middle of foreplay and that would just be awkward for every one. Not that that has happened before because I always make great life choices.

Basically I find it hilarious but well I’d rather text them then the boyfriend, who I will from here on out call Kermit. I’d like the thank my mom for that nickname because that’s what she called him as I cried last night. I have the best mom.

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

So while I have been the biggest downer ever lately (seriously I am getting sick of myself) I do have some thing good to talk about! It’s about hot guy at the gym. Every one needs to come to my gym to see this man. I am not sneaky enough or creepy enough to snap pictures for you guys. Although Jenna is so once she is done being all prego I will get her out the gym to snap pictures. I think that may be equally as creepy but you should all see this man.

Yesterday the best thing in the world happened, he wore his sweat pants and did these pull up things…dear god. Sweat pants and pull ups where he did this pelvic thrust thing! I stared like an idiot but I couldn't look away! It was magically. And let me just note that it was definitely a banana in his pants and I was very happy to see him.

Day Eight: Goodbye dignity and self respect

I suck. I had to phone him to get information for this letter to the government and I knew that calling him would be easier because then I could just hang up. Ask my question hang up the phone and I wouldn’t be able to ask him all the questions I want answers too. Plus if I am being honest, I wanted to hear his voice, to hear if he missed me, for him to tell me he loves me and he is sorry. But he didn’t answer then he texted me. Then he called me PJ and the water works came out. That’s what he called me, it was never Justine, it was PJ. I miss that the most and he knows it. He has to know it; he has to know that it is my favorite memory, my favorite thing in the world. It reminds me of how happy we were, of every good memory we had together and how much I love him, and god do I love him.

After that the text message gates where open, I couldn’t hold back, THIS IS WHY I PHONED so I could ask my damn question and hang up this phone and still be left with hope that he will run to me and tell me he loves me. But he texted me and I asked the one thing I needed to know more then all my other questions…what do you want? His answer…he didn’t know and to be fair neither do I. I want him to know what he wants though, that’s what got us into this mess. I’d like him to know that he loves me beyond compare and he wants me and he will do every thing in his power to not hurt me again. But that wasn’t his answer and I have to be okay with the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants and for the first time since us breaking up any hope I had is gone. I don’t know is not an acceptable answer at this point. Either you love me and you want to work past this or you don’t. So this is the first time I know…he doesn’t want me, he still isn’t willing to fight, and maybe he loves me but not enough to know if this relationship can be fixed and that just isn’t enough.

He told me he missed me and you know what my first though was? You didn’t miss me until Dana stopped talking to you so do you miss me or do you miss having some one there and you are just lonely? I would go with the lonely aspect because he wouldn’t have let me get to the point of leaving if he truly wanted me. Part of me doesn’t even believe that they have stopped talking. If they were there isn’t a lot I could do…I mean besides turn into a crazy ex-girlfriend and slash tires.

I do know that there is a part of me that is so hurt (duh it’s all I talk about) but there is a bigger part of me that wants him. He’s all I’ve ever wanted since he came into my life and made fun of my hair when I met him two and a half years ago. But he doesn’t want me the same way. Knowing you love some one who doesn’t love you back is the hardest part. The feeling that you gave every thing, you have nothing left to give, not to your friends, to the next person, you have nothing left emotionally to offer, you are just drained, that feeling is horrible.

I am getting to the point in this break up remorse where I am blaming myself. Do I turn sweet, nice guys into assholes? It seems to be a trend in my dating life. Is it my fault because I am not overly affectionate and loving and when he stopped showing me that I missed it and demanded he act that way again, is that fair? Was a bitch? Was I too hard on him? Did I not appreciate the good in him enough? There are so many questions I have but I got the answer to the most important one. He doesn’t know and that just isn’t good enough. All the other questions I have don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if he had feelings for Dana, it doesn’t matter why he put me second, it doesn’t matter why he choice to lie, it doesn’t matter if he is ok or not. All that matters is that he still doesn’t want to fix it and I can’t be the only one who wants to fix it.

I disregarded my dignity and self respect and asked him the question I needed to know. I got an answer I didn’t want but I got an answer and it hurt like hell just like the book said it would, but I don’t think I made a mistake. So I’ll cry because all my hope is gone but I will pick myself up and move on because I am stronger then that or least I hope I am

Love your ex girlfriend who knew what she wanted and it was you

Day Eight: One week down

I made it; one week or seven days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds, not that I kept track. This first week has been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs and relief and regret but I feel like the first week is the hardest and so it’s all down hill from here, at least it better be. I mean the first week is the biggest adjustment, I felt like I needed to tell him little details about my day and I wanted to know how he was doing and lots of times I wanted to yell and scream at him and punch him in the face. But I didn’t, I fought every urge I had and kept myself busy. So this is where we take a shot because we are celebrating the fact I didn’t go over and beat his face in. YAY! But I did it and I am proud of myself.

I didn’t ask him for help when it came to fixing my car, I did it myself. I didn’t have him start my car in the morning because it was cold outside, I did it myself. I found out some devastating news and I didn’t call him to support me, I dealt with it myself. I did all of these things on my own, without the help of him. It’s a bitter sweet feeling knowing you have no one to lean on but yourself but more then any thing it’s an empowering feeling.

Keeping myself busy this last week has been the key to not texting him. Along with lists of reasons to not talk to him, things he’s done to hurt me and lists of quotes from the book, being busy has been my saving grace. 

Thank sweet baby Jesus for Jenna because she has been doing an amazing job with keeping me busy. Thank you break up buddy. Between Friday night hang outs and spa days and late night phone calls she has been my saving grace. Also taking time for myself, going to the gym, organizing my new room, soccer and helping out around my parent’s house, I haven’t had to spend a lot of time alone, which definitely makes it easier. Also I know the not drinking thing is helping. It stops you from drunken dialing him, crying at the bar because you thought you saw him, it saves you from sending mean text messages that look like this

“Yu r A ashOle!!!!!! YOU brke my heart! HOW could u!!!!!!!”

Then phoning him and screaming in a very drunken slur

“WHhyyyyyyyyyy DDOOOOONNNNNTTT YOOOOUUUUUUUUU LUUURRRRVVVEEEEE MMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!”

Then going home with a man named Nathan who is 32, single and drives a Pontiac and thinks your beautiful and amazing and funny and has he has the same eyes as your ex boyfriend or at least you thought he did the night before.

I have not done any of that. So as much as I miss wine, I think right now it’s for the best. (So take another shot for me, unless you are going through a break up. If you are put it down because know one is attractive after 6 drinks and a drunken phone call to your ex)

Every one keeps telling me how proud they are and how strong I am for just cutting him off, for not taking a baseball bat to his car or letting the air out of his tires, for not staying when I wasn’t being treated fairly, for taking a look at my relationship and seeing that I deserve more, but I don’t feel strong because coming to terms with being independent is hard when you’ve been dependant on some one for so long. It is hard, I’ve had some serious high and low moments and they come and go quickly. One minute I am feeling strong and happy and the next I hear some thing about golf or a song he likes and I am a crying mess. Just not in public. I will not be a crying mess in public because some one may see and tell him.

I don’t feel like my friends should be proud that I stuck up for myself because I feel that is what every one should do. Man or women, if there is a relationship were you aren’t being treated fairly, don’t you feel like it’s better to walk away, peacefully and say this just isn’t working any more? You don’t always understand why people hurt you but when they do you need to look at it and ask yourself if the relationship is repairable and if you are both willing to fix it. In my case, we both weren’t willing to fix it, I tried to fix it, I tried to take steps to repair it but he didn’t put the effort in when he needed to and at that point I needed to scrape my dignity off the floor and walk away. So one week down and only seven more weeks to go.

Love your ex girlfriend one week and counting

Day Seven: The good, the bad, the ugly

It feels like I've been away from him for days but I can remember the look in his eyes when he was happy like he is right in front of me. That’s what I miss the most. That look in his eyes that would tell me he loved me and he was happy. A look I hadn't seen in long time. Augh. So cliché and so very pathetic.

I find it’s the hardest when I am alone. When I have time to deal with every thing I am feeling, to think about him and contemplate what went wrong and when it started to go wrong. Those hours that come late at night when I don’t have some thing to take my mind off of him, I dread those hours like that little hobbit did as he marched towards Mordor; yes, with that much impending doom. I am doing good with keeping myself busy but it’s just masking the feelings that I have to deal with when I am alone. Although, I am never really “alone” because I live at home, with my father and my mother and my 15 year old brother, so being alone is a lucrative term.

But a small part of me knows that those are the hours I have to become okay with, I know that those are the hours that are going to make me a stronger person. I need to become okay with being alone again and doing things by myself because the one thing I do know for certain is that I am embracing this break up and taking time to reach my goals and do things for myself and I am not jumping into a relationship, so Santa better bring me a vibrator and a joint because I am embracing being alone.

Last night I made lists, because not only did the book It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken suggest it, I happen to love making lists. That’s right I am a list person.

This is the first time I embraced what I missed about him, I let myself remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. I took some time and reflected on our relationship, I remember every good memory we had together and every bad, from the first night in our first place together to the night I found out he lied to me about Dana and how painful that was. So here is my first list

Best Qualities

His sense of humor

His ability to talk through problems

His compassion

Desire to keep learning

His passion for things that interested him

Loyalty to family

His ability to push me to try knew things

His ability to make me want to be a better person

He helped out around the house a lot

Worst

His work ethic

His listening skills

His temper

Lack of spontaneity

Lack or ownership when he makes mistakes

His immaturity

How he wasn't supportive/always was about him/didn't compromise 

His uncertainty about our future

He wasn't sensitive to my feelings

He is deceitful and dishonest

Then I made a list of things I will miss and things I wont miss. This was harder because this is where the reflecting on our relationship really happened.

Things I’ll miss

His touch

His kiss

His company

Lazy Sundays

Playing around

Having some one to talk to

Having some one who understands

His stories

His eyes and smile

Small romantic gifts

Joking around with him

His family

Feeling safe

The poems and love letters

How he made me appreciate the small things in life and not rush through it

Things I won’t miss

His lying

Not feeling good enough

Worrying

His temper

Average sex

Putting me second to his relationship with other girls

Lack of trust in our relationship

When we went some where I would always be waiting for him to get ready because he would leave it till the last moment. So annoying

Always worried what people thought/think

How he would cut me down

So that’s what I came up with, so far any ways. There was a lot of good. Our relationship was good for a long time, until it wasn't. I am coming to terms with that.

Tomorrow it will officially be one week without talking to him. I am sincerely thankful that I am stubborn and when I set goals I achieve them.

Love your ex girlfriend who appreciates every thing you did but knows every thing you've become

Day Six: Today it hurts

And I just want to tell you it takes everything in me not to call you. I wish I could run to you and I hope you know that every time I don’t, I almost do. Because in my dreams there we are again, in the middle of the night, we are dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. Because there we are again, when I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known. It was rare, I was there, and I remember it all too well. And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up. But we made quite a mess babe, it’s probably better off this way and I confess baby in my dreams you’re touching my face, asking me if I want to try again with you, and I almost do.

Time is taking its sweet time erasing you, because we had a beautiful, magic, love affair. But I am done hoping we can work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around. I’m done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself it will be okay, even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger

Day six: letter to him

Letter To him,

The more I found out what an asshole you were in the last couple months the more I am glad I walked away, the more I wish I would have done it sooner, that someone would have told me to walk away. I want to text you a million things but I won’t because every moment I let you have that much control over me is another moment I am thinking about you and I don’t want to think about you I want to move on. I replay the things I would say to you if I could bring myself to text you or go over to your house, things like,  

I find it funny how everything you said to cut me down are qualities that you possess. Have you thought that maybe you were cutting me down because I was better than you and you needed to make me feel small so that you wouldn’t have to realize what kind of person you’ve become?

Do you regret the things you’ve done to me; do you regret the things you’ve said about me? I hope you do.

How could you be so deceitful? How could you tell someone you love them and you want to make it work and build a relationship on lies? Your mother raised you to be a man better than that. She would be disgusted if she knew the truth. When I said you were worse than your dad I meant it, I didn’t say it out of anger; I said it because it’s the truth and that’s the type of person you’ve become.

Most of all I want to tell you that I still love you. Even after all of the things you put me through I still care for you and love you. That being away from you is so hard and even when I feel happy it hurts because it wasn’t you to make me feel that way. It was you who broke me not loved me. I want to tell you that I wish you would have fought for me, came after me and showed up on my front lawn with a boom box playing bad 80’s love songs but you didn’t and you won’t and now it’s too late. I want to tell you that part of me hates you and the person you’ve become.

I want to tell you that I spend so much time hoping that you will change back into the person I fell in love with, the person I still love but I need to realize you aren’t that person anymore and I miss that person so much but you just aren’t him and I can’t love the person you’ve become. I miss the way that person made me smile and laugh and comfort me. I need to let go. I need to work on myself and accomplish my dreams and my goals and I can’t do that with the person you’ve become so I won’t talk to you, I won’t text you, I won’t call you, I won’t show up at your door step

Love your ex-girl who desperately wishes you wouldn’t have changed

Day Five- A little bit stronger

I had my Christmas party last night and there were two guys playing at the pub we went to and at the end of their set they packed up their instruments and brought them out to their car where I was standing in front of smoking and the first guy looks at me and said “your dress is absolutely beautiful and your smile is contagious.” He wasn’t doing it to hit on me and be creepy, he didn’t look me up and down like I was a piece of meat that he wanted to sleep with, he said it because he meant it and it was genuine and for the first time in a long time I felt beautiful and special and the worst part of it was that it didn’t come from a man who was supposed to love and care for me, it came from a complete stranger.

The more time I spend away from him the more I realize how much better off I am without him. I realize he didn’t give me what I needed to be happy. Today was the first day in so long I felt happy from start to finish, how sad is that? I didn’t have to worry about him, what he was going to do next to hurt me. It was a feeling of relief. To smile not because you are faking it but to smile because you are happy is a great feeling. One I’ve missed. I lost myself in him trying to make sure he was ok, that I was doing in my power to make sure he was happy, that his goals were being accomplished, that his dreams could be grasped and mine would just have to wait. I look back and think what kind of person lets someone give up their own happiness for yours? What kind of man doesn’t make the love of his life feel beautiful all the time? What kind of man lets you put yourself second? What kind of man lies and hides and cuts you down? The kind of man who gets left behind while she goes and takes on the world.

Love your ex-girlfriend, who is actually happy today

Day Four: Put me into the drivers seat of my own life

Day four:

Well I didn’t talk to him, that’s the good news, the bad I think my subconscious is telling me my life is on a road to no where. I had a dream last night that I was in the back seat of a car and there were three people in the front seat and they where so high they couldn’t steer the car and it was on a winding road with cars coming towards us. I kept screaming to focus and steer away from the dooming cliffs and the cars speeding towards us and all they could do is laugh,  the bad part is that I woke up before I knew if we made it to other side. So I am going to take that as a metaphor for my life. A winding road, know one to steer the car but me who is trapped in the backseat, cars racing towards me and me shouting directions trying to get us there safely, the people in the front seat not listening to me and most of all not knowing if I made it to the end safely. Or it was just a dream and I shouldn’t look that too much into it.

I hung out with my sister last night and I came to the decision that for the last two and half years I’ve lost myself; I lived for some one else, based my decisions on how it would effect him and our relationship and for the first time in a long time I don’t need to worry about any one else other then me. I can base my decisions on what I want to do, what I truly want to do and not worry about the consequences of how it will affect my relationship. It’s a liberating feeling but at the same time terrifying because before the boyfriend I was in another relationship that I based my decisions on him. Basing my decisions on how it would affect my relationships is all I’ve known for the last six years. Six years with a short 6 months in between relationships where I based my decisions on how it would help me to forget the last boyfriend. This time around I am going to focus on myself, how to make myself a better person, not for my next relationship but for myself. I am not going to cloud my judgment by drinking to forget the good memories we had (that makes me sound like I have a drinking problem), I am not going to focus on men to help ease the pain of being rejected and put second, I am going to do things for myself because I want to do it and I want to be in the drivers seat, steering the vehicle safely to the other side.

Love your ex girl who is steering her own life vehicle

p.s 

That’s some profound shit 

Day Three: Cheers to me!

Day Three:

Well, I did it! I did not talk to him at all yesterday. Not a text message, voicemail, phone call or hand written letter sent by pigeon carrier, there was zero communication. CHEERS! Take a big sip of wine for me as we celebrate! I feel a small sense of empowerment but at the same time that longing to talk to him hasn't diminished at all, not even the slightest. I will say that I know today will be easier because I know I can make it through the day without talking to him.

I secretly hope that he is sitting at home crying because his actions ultimately put cracks into our relationship. That he is sitting there regretting every thing that got us to this point. He probably isn’t but a girl can hope. I like to keep that picture in my head instead of the one where he is texting Dana laughing and flirting. Oh wait, that imagine is burned in my head because that's what happened in real life. I have to push that image out of my head at least three times a day. At least that image makes me angry and makes me not want to text him.

Thank the sweet baby Jesus for my break up buddy, Jenna. I am sure her fiancé wants to strangle me at this point. She made him help me move on the weekend (as punishment for getting a lap dance by a dirty glitter stripper at a bachelor party), has listened to countless conversations about the ex, listened to me cry, listened while we devised plans for me to meet new men, and been alone while Jenna was doing drive bys with me or taking me for milkshakes. She really has been my rock through out this whole thing and I feel so blessed to have such an amazing friend, so this weekend I am going to go clean out her spare bedroom so that they can make it into a baby room. Without Jenna and the Taylor Swift song I almost do I would not have made it through my first full day without any conversation.

Over all it does feel good to have gone one day without talking to him. I really hope each day gets easier because yesterday I was constantly picking up my phone and going into my notes and reading them. Those notes saved me from texting him 100 times yesterday. It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken told me to write down all the good and bad memories and his good and bad qualities, I chose to write down all of the bad because I don’t want to think about the good at this point. That is just too much for me. I know there was a lot of amazing memories and he has so many amazing qualities but I don’t want to focus on those yet. Maybe later…you know, when I am more o.k. with the fact he ripped my heart out. For now I am going to focus on what got us to this point, which is the bad.

Love your ex girlfriend…you know the one you called stupid

Day Two: Your life is not a yard sale

Day two:

Well day one was a giant fail. I called him after I officially took my name off the lease of the apartment we rented together. We both cried, we both said we missed each other; he said sorry a million and one times and said he hated himself for letting me down. But he did and I have to remember that.  So today I will be better at this because honestly I can’t come up with a reason to call him and trust me I am trying to find an excuse. Some one just needs to take my phone away from after work because that’s when I am the weakest. I get in my car to drive to the gym and I just want to call him and be like “oh hey you miss me? I miss you to and I forgive you for being a dink so let’s hang out.” I actually have been good about not seeing him, so that’s one point to me because it’s been five whole days since I saw him last! Baby steps I tell you. Considering for the last two and half years we haven’t gone more then two days without seeing each other, personally I think I’m doing well with distancing myself from him.

But I do miss him today. My anger is starting to fade away and turn into lust and longing. At this point the book mentioned some thing about “break up remorse”, well book I am knee deep in break up remorse. All my preventative measures taken to remember how much he hurts me aren’t really reminding me either. I have lists of mean things he said/did, I have a list of quotes reminding me to be strong, I have a picture of him and Dana together to remind me why I left, I have song lyrics and a lists of qualities that I want my future husband to have with a picture of Channing beside it. See? One would think all those things would work but I am still having break up remorse.  So back to the book It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken I go because obviously I need to.

Part of the problem is I don’t know if I’ll ever open up to any one again. I opened up to him, let him see me cry, let him make me feel safe in a way I’ve never done with any one else and when I did that, when I let him take care of me, he rejected me, he hurt me, he basically said I wasn’t good enough. That’s the part I can’t let go of because I want to be good enough and loved. So I need this book to remind me that it’s ok and I will open again.  The words I am going to repeat in my head over and over again today are:

“Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed. If you’ve reached this point, where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks are there. You are not the kind of women who settles for broken or hangs onto damage goods. Your life is not a yard sale.”

Then I will remember I gave him a chance to fix it and he didn’t. He chose not to fix it, he chose to reach out to her instead of fix our relationship. She chose to listen to him instead of comfort me. They made their choices and I will not settle for broken! So the second thing I will remind myself is this:

“Unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn't going to happen.”

I went down into those trenches. I had my super glue, nails, hammer, duct tape and every thing else you could need but he didn’t want to walk down there with me and now it’s to late because he let me down there and I am just going to have to rescue myself.

Love your ex-girlfriend who is going to be stronger today

It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken: Day 1

Well lady and possible gentleman who read my blog you are in for treat. I just read It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken. Yes. I’ve resorted to self help books, because I am 23, living at home, clueless about my future because I built my future around a guy who made it clear he just wasn’t that into me and some times you need self help books and that’s okay because this one was pretty funny. Not that I am an expert on self help books because this was my first one.

So you guys are going to go with me on this journey to a speedy heart break recovery. This self help book told me I had to stop talking to him for at least sixty days. Sixty days. If you guys haven’t figured out that I don’t let things go, at all, I hold onto grudges and broken relationships, you obviously don’t read my blog and shame on you. But I don’t, I have a really hard time coming to the realization that things change, people change and it’s not always your fault and that it’s better to let go and move on with your life and look back and say

 “it was nice while it lasted but now it’s done and I wish them the best.” 

I say things like 

“fucking bastard. I hope he gets hit by a car and has a stomach problem that causes him to shit his pants uncontrollably.”  

Healthy right?

This book also suggested I write a journal every day for how I am feeling so that’s what I am going to do. Except you guys are going to read it with me. This is also going to hold me accountable for the next 60 days so I don’t talk to him. My first suggestion is if you are going through a break up or having relationship problems you need to first read He’s Just Not That Into You, then read It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken. Not the movie because it was horrible but read the books because those rocked.

I realize you may not completely follow every thing I say because you weren't there for the whole relationship but you will probably get the idea after the 60 days are up and until then just grab a glass of wine and read.

Day 1 :

I wish I understood why you chose to pick your friendship with her over our relationship. I will never understand what you saw in her compared to me, I know that’s harsh because she is my friend but I feel like it’s true. I don’t think I am amazing but I know I am pretty special and I let you take that away for a long time.  I let you make me feel like I wasn’t good enough and never again will I let myself feel that way. I have flaws I will be the first to admit I do but I am also great in a lot of ways and maybe if you would have focused on me you could have saw that like you did in the beginning of our relationship.

 I will never understand why you said I was to young because I wanted to wait to have kids until YOU HAD YEAR ROUND EMPLOYMENT, till we bought a house, till we were married? That seems grown up to me? That I was making a choice to give my future children the best possible life they could have. Maybe it is you who has some growing up to do, not me. Maybe more people should take a hint from me because it seems to me there is a lot of mothers and fathers who don’t do this and it only causes problems. SO FUCK YOU! I AM NOT TO YOUNG! Sorry I don’t want my kids growing up in a broken home, where their mother and father can’t provide them with the best they possibly can!

I will never understand why you chose to lie to me over and over again. Why you chose to talk behind my back and cut me down. I will NEVER understand why she didn’t stick up for me. Never. Absolutely never. I will forgive her because that is what I do but I will never understand why she thought it was better to “offer advice” to you instead of doing what a friend should do and say nothing or say “you know what you should talk with Justine” and leave it at that. That’s what I did when her ex came to me! I will never understand how I trusted you both so much and you both completely disregarded my feelings. Thanks for that.

There is a lot I will never understand and that is really hard for me because I need to understand why. I want to phone you all the time and just ask why. Why did you let me cry? Why did you let me get so low it didn’t seem like I was ever going to be ok? Why did you lie? Why don't you remember how amazing we once were? Why don't you remember saying forever?  Why couldn’t you just grab some fucking balls and say you weren't happy? Why did you make me do all the dirty work? Why do you send me text messages saying you are sorry and you love me when your action clearly stated other wise? I deserve better, more, some thing other then what you were giving me. So I will move on, I will be o.k.

Starting today you are my past. I am my future and guess what? My future doesn’t involve you in any way.  

p.s Merry fucking Christmas

Love your very bitter EX girlfriend

New beginnings come from painful endings

Well after a slight mental break down and germs infesting me and giving me the worst flu I’ve had in years I am back! The boyfriend and I are officially on a “break” which is my way of saying you better get your shit together and realize how awesome I am or there’s the door fuck face (I am sorry there had to be cursing to get my point across).

I really wish I had more then $1.15 in my bank account so I could go to Toronto for a week and forget about him and how much it hurts to not be with him. Wow, there is a whole lot of pathetic in that last sentence but it really is the truth. Being here reminds me to much of him and I need to just go on a vacation and think and not talk to him for a while, sadly when you are poor you don’t get to do that. (Help me I'm poor)

This is my attempt to not be pathetic, to move on with my life and not look back, to work on me and my happiness and not put it in the hands of some one I thought I could trust. I am done with toxic people, all of them, not that he was toxic because in all honestly he is one of the best people I've ever met but at some point we became toxic for each other. I will always love him and if he could change back into the person he was 6 months ago nothing would make me happier because he was perfect. He still is perfect and I know he will make some girl so lucky one day. I just don't think that girl will be me, maybe though, I still kind of wish it was me, but for right now it's not so I am making a list of qualities that my next boyfriend will have.

1. Must have a stable career – I pick men who need fixing up. Always without fail I pick these men who are lost and don’t have a career path in mind, drink and play video games and I straighten them out, get them to figure out their future and right when they are all fixed up my relationship goes to hell.
2. Must be fun loving – no more shy guys for me I am trying some thing new
3. Must be spontaneous – I want some one who says “babe today we are going here” and then we go. No more of this “what do you want to do this weekend…we can do what ever you want to do” bullshit. It’s annoying
4.  Must have guy friends- I don’t care how many, just friends that he goes out and drinks with every now and then. Friends he can talk to and have fun with. Friend separate from mine because I think it's important to have separate friends
5.  Must be good in bed – I really don’t feel like I need to explain that one but I am talking like God's gift to women sex God 
6. He has to love me above all else - I am not talking right off the bat but I mean I was really patient with the boyfriend for a long time while he figured out what he wanted and I am not doing that again. Love is not patient, love is bold, it doesn't wait for any one, if you love some thing you fight for it and you never let it go 

And if all else fails I am going to be Samantha from Sex and the City because in the words of Abby “every one loves Samantha she rocks and if any one is Samantha you are.” 

My knight with a shining wheel chair...where art thou?

When I was three when people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a part time lawyer and a part time bus driver but I am a horrible driver and if some one let me behind the wheel of a bus they would be an idiot as for being a lawyer sadly I have a low tolerance for stupid people who don’t share my opinion and would end up just punching people in the balls that didn’t agree with me.

So at ten when people asked me what I wanted to do I would answer “marry an 87 year old rich man.” Grown ups obviously thought I was kidding but I really wasn’t. They would pat me on the head and laugh awkwardly that this adorable little girl was on par for the same moral level as a play boy bunny. I still think that is an awesome plan and I am holding out for my 87 year old man. After all a penis is a penis in the dark, right?

While I wait for my knight with a shining wheel chair I have to get some kind of job and actually I’ve been liking my job more and more lately but I still like weddings and event planning better so I am going to go back to school.

Here is the problem with going back to school…I drank for all two years of it last time and my grades reflected my commitment to the bar instead of my homework. Really I blame the school for putting a bar in between my morning and afternoon classes, either way my father has said he isn’t going to pay for me to go back to school, at least until I prove I am serious about school this time. Dam you dad and your tough love. So I need to apply for student loans, except it is hella confusing, seriously I think you need a course on how to apply for student loans because there are so many buttons and things you need to just apply from grants and student aid.

Then there is my bigger problem of how serious am I going to jump back into school, just do on-line school, part time school or full time school for a diploma or degree? Where am I going to take my courses, what about the boyfriend who I don’t want to punch in the balls as much any more, he can’t pack his stuff up and move with my across the country and support my poor, student ass, but that’s where the best school is and shouldn’t I try to go for the best school? How am I going to afford this because I need to apply to these schools and get accepted before I can apply for money from the government and if I get accepted and have to move I need to know the money is coming because the one thing I do know for sure is that I am poor.

I went and talked to the parents about this, Eggy was all for applying to the best schools. He encouraged it because I think he would rather see me stressed in school rather then stressed over boys. Coupon Queen on the other hand didn’t tell me what to do which is really what I was looking for when I asked her opinion. Instead she told me I had some big decisions to make and said I need to picture what my future looked like and make my decision from there but I shouldn’t expect the boyfriend to be in the picture if I choose to move across the country. Thanks mom for your cold, harsh reality check.

So I am going to continue to be lost and confused and avoid making a life changing decision, at least for a little while longer, hopefully my knight in a shining wheel chair decides to show up soon because that plan seems less stressful.

 Doesn't it look like this cartoon just pooped his pants! 

Wine you are my downfall

Dana came over last night and I helped to on her journey to become a girl, meaning that I showed her how to properly put on make up and put in hair extensions. Well she brought wine. I should have known because she makes her own wine and is currently unemployed so she can get all kinds of wastey pants and not have to go to work the next day. Well 4 glasses of wine, two hours of hair extensions and make up later I was a little tipsy which always show the way to bad decisions on my part. I swear you could convince me to do any thing after 4 glasses of wine (not in a pervert way. Perv). Plus we had just spent two hours basically getting ready and that would just be wasteful.

 So we went out to my favorite ego boosting, dirty pub. I swear this pub is the best place to go if you are feeling bad for yourself. It was what I needed and you can judge me all you want but some times you just like to hear you are beautiful and smart from drunk men for two hours straight. Some times you need your vibrator. Chocolate and Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember and some times you need drunk men hitting on you.

I am paying dearly for it today. It is 27 degrees in my office and we didn’t have internet most of the day and it was the first day in 2 weeks that my boss has been at work and this is the day I choose to be hung over at work.

Moral of the story I am not as smart as the guy playing pool claimed I was last night; a smarter girl would have put the wine bottle down and not done those shots.

Boots with the fur

I went out Saturday with the boyfriend and my friend Matt, here’s the thing, generally I don’t like meeting new people especially girls and I really hate when you go to a party and there is some one from high school who annoyed the shit out of you. Well that was my Saturday night, I met up with Matt at this house party and it was my two worst nightmares, a really stupid girl and a guy I didn’t like from high school. There was also two girls in the early 40’s partying with 23 year olds, which is fine because at least they could hold a conversation.  If I didn’t really want to drink away my last two weeks I would have made a better judgment call and went home.

So we can to the bar and we go to this dirty ass rave club, not my first choice but I was with new people so I wasn’t going to make a big fuss and hell I just wanted to drink my last couple weeks away and the wine wasn’t cutting it any more.

So I walk in with the boyfriend and a couple other friends and one of the guys we came with whipped out these light up dildos on strings. At least that’s what it looked like. WTF is wrong with people?! He went out onto the dance floor and started swinging them around. I think he thought he was super cool and sexy swinging around these things that look like light up dildos on strings but the whole time all I could think about was if they vibrate or not?

Then I saw girls with short shorts, half a shirt and SUSPENDERS! It wasn’t even Halloween people! She left the house thinking she was all cute and stuff with her suspenders. Well she wasn’t. She looked like a tool. If ever you leave your house with suspenders and you are a female you do not look cute you look like a tool. She had a friend too. Oh! The friend was almost better. She also had on short shorts but her outfit was paired with cellulite and furry boots! I don’t understand these little rave kids with there weird outfits and furry boots that are multicolored. I am sure no man ever thought to himself “dam I want a girl with big furry boots on, ‘cause that would really turn me on right now.”

So here’s the thing, the boyfriend and I share a common love of judging these people. So I am sitting there with my vodka and turn to him and start making fun of these people, all three of them, suspenders girl, boots with the fur and dildo man. He looks at me and says “maybe it just makes them happy Justine. If they thought they looked good does it matter what you think?”

Uh. Yes obviously is does, because my outfit took thought and time and about an hour on pinterest and two hours shopping, my outfit is planned down to my underwear to make sure I don’t leave the house looking like I am part polar bear. And why all of a sudden are you going all self righteous on me? Augh I wish my girlfriends weren’t all pregnant and could come out and judge people with me properly and get me all wastey pants and make fun of people secretly till I am happy again.

On the bright side there was an extremely sexy guy who I tend to see when I venture out to the down town clubs. So I just looked at him after the boyfriend pissed me off because you can see his six pack through his shirt and that would make any one happy. 

Soul Sister

This is going to possibly be the creepiest blog post on the internet but I've stumbled across this blog and this lady the 47 year old version of me.

I highly recommend that you check out this blog if you are bored and have multiple hours to kill reading her blog because you will laugh like you've never laughed before. This lady is amazingly hilarious and witty and mean and it's makes my day.

I think if me and her and my mom (who is the best at judging people) sat down in a park and made fun of people for an afternoon it would be the best afternoon of my life.

It's the wine talking not me.

Happy Friday! This weekend can't be any worse then last weekend. Last weekend was shit. SO it can't get much worse then that! AND on the plus size I drank half a bottle of wine to myself and listened to angry music while I cleaned my house and cooked supper and then cleaned up after supper. BUT HEY! you sit there and play video games boyfriend. That's cool, I got this, you had a hard day of....playing video games. 

The boyfriend and I are slowly starting to get back to normal, which really means after spending 4 days crying, I’ve stopped crying and we are “talking” and “working on it” and he isn't being a a complete dick head now. Which is good because I honestly love that man more then any thing, which is a big ball of suck and awesome at the same time. I love him so much I went and got Jenna to go buy the new Halo game for him because he really wanted it and I wanted to surprise him. Fail by me, because I basically just rewarded him for being an ass.

But over the last four days I have been bombarding Jenna with text messages, crying phone calls, angry phone calls, dropping by her house because I have know where else to go. I mean I have my mom, and my mom is amazing, but my mom doesn't have the poor you attitude, she has the stop fucking crying over a guy, you are better then that shit attitude.  Jenna is a lot more sympathetic then my mom, she will make you tea  a drink and let you cry, but you know what else she will do? Come up with diabolical plans with you. Plans in case you get your heart broken that may or may not involve some kind of Miranda Lambert type lyrics, plans that involve hidden camera’s and ex boyfriends, regardless, these plans are awesome, slightly crazy, but I blame the wine and not me.  Let me share how supportive she is

Wine: How much do you think it would cost to put spy cameras in my house and how bat shit crazy would I be if I did so?
Jenna: Oh fuck no we can get them on the internet for cheap, like $100 bucks. I know people.

See the support? Ya. I know that’s crazy, but she supported me.

Her talking about coming with me to and event that I really don’t want to go to but in a drunken night said I would go too

Jenna: Justine for all intensive purpose I would say yes but I would beat the shit out of some one…I’ll come visit and bring you treats.
Me: well if I wouldn’t have said yes already I wouldn’t be going
Jenna: Just say some thing came up…like a soccer tournament in the Yukon.

Totally plausible right?

                Jenna: Dude. I have the day off Friday, I got cha back. I will 007 this shit up.

And that is what true friends do. Let you be crazy when you need to be crazy, feed you drinks, and stalk.