I gave the last boot to awkward man on Sunday afternoon.
After giving him the benefit of the doubt way to many times I finally had to put an end to it. See, he started out as that shy awkward man that made
a horrible first impression, and then he turned into a slightly witty guy who
didn’t seem horrible, but okay enough to preoccupy my time and stop me from
obsessing over Melvin,( who by the way did the cutest thing ever on Friday
night, leaving me completely smitten). But then awkward man took a turn for the
worse, he became bossy, very bossy, and I do not do bossy. I don’t need to wear
the pants, but if you are going to tell me what to do it better only be in bed.
Friday night he came back into town from being gone from
work, he let me know that morning, I had already had plans, plans to get Nikki’s
hung over ass out of bed so we could go drink with Melvin, but plans none the
less. So I made definite plans to go to
a party on Saturday with Awkward Man. While I was out for drinks I tried to
confirm that he was for sure coming tomorrow
Me- “so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure
coming?”
AM- “are you coming over tonight”
Me - “no, I have plans, I told you that”
AM - “Then that’s your answer.”
Me- “Fine have a good night”
It was really no sweat off my back, come or don’t come, I
don’t really care, I don’t like you enough to care, you are a bad kisser and
are generally pretty blah, so if you think that I’m changing my plans to accommodate
you, you have another thing coming pal. And if you think I’m coming over after
I’ve been drinking and you’ve been drinking then you are completely retarded.
When I arrived home Saturday afternoon from Melvin’s, Awkward
man had texted me, he asked me what the plan was for the night. Are you
confused? I was confused, and slightly over his bipolar, multiple personality episodes.
We agree that I would pick him up at 9 and I went for a nap. When I woke up I
reminded him that it was tight and bright. He said he wasn’t dressing up. I
love theme parties, absolutely love them, I hate the people that are to cool to
dress up. You don’t look cool, you look like the type of person who sucks fun
out of life and I hate you. By him telling me he wasn’t dressing up it
automatically made me not like him. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself
I don’t even want to be in your presence, so I was annoyed when he said that I
hadn’t told him it was a dress up party. I’d like to avert your eyes to the
text above where I said...
“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure
coming?”
Let me just repeat that in case you are as dense as this
mother fucker
“so tomorrow
is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”
Let’s not even count the times I VERBALLY said it on the
phone. It was written down for him in text, text that you read, text that I can
use as proof that I did in fact say it was a tight and bright party.
Now I’ve given my single fuck away and no more will be given
to this man. I left my house and was on my way to pick him up. What happened
next can only lead me to conclude this man has a delusional sense of self-importance
and his mother must have told him repeatedly how awesome he was, because that
is the only theory that makes sense to me.
Me- “I’m on my way”
AM – “We aren’t leaving right away”
Me – “yes we are”
AM- “this is not a democracy.” (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YES IT IS!)
AM- “and besides my brothers want party so watch your tone :P” (OH NO YOU DIDN’T!)
ME- “you just party with your brothers, I’m not picking you
up, I’m already late, have a good night.”
What the fuck. Who do you think you are? I do not wait
around for anyone (unless they are named Melvin). And you are very right this
isn’t a democracy, it’s a I’m gonna do whatever
the fuck I want ocracy, and no way is a man I’ve been on four dates with
going to tell me what I can and cannot do, sorry buddy you just blew it. I don’t
know about you, but I thought that the tone of my text was very clear that I
was not impressed, that maybe you should send an apology for being a giant bag
of douche, but nope, around three on Sunday I got this
“hey, my roommates are gone for the day, did you want to
come over and watch movies”
We all know what watch movies means, we know it’s code for I’m
gonna jam my little tiny boner into your back and hopes that you will get
turned on enough to touch it and once you touch it I’m going to dry hump the
fuck out of you while you try to watch the movie until you give up and let me
take your pants off. So romantic right? I replied
“uh how about no.”
My first thought was, I’d rather shove forks in my eyes then spend two minutes
with you, but I didn't say that. I was still trying to be nice, no idea why, but I was trying to remain calm and nice. But then my jaw actually dropped to the floor when he said
“how come?”
This man is a fucking idiot. Not only does he have an
inflated sense of entitlement but he is a fucking idiot. I could have taken the
high road and nicely cut him off but I had zero fucks left to give.
“How come? Because you actually make me want to vomit, choke
on it, then die, just so I don’t have to talk to you again, so I think it would
be best if you never talked to me again, have a nice life.”
He responded?! HE DID!
“Wow...take care I guess”
So that’s how I got rid of awkward man, tune in tomorrow to
hear about my date on Saturday, with an Australian, all in effort to distract
myself from Melvin and not put all my eggs into one basket which is really hard considering how sweet and awesome he was Friday night.
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