When I drink I think I am a genius, a smart, funny, dating
mastermind; I am not, I am an idiot, do not let me tell you any different.
Friday night I went out with Nikki (remember her? Friend from college,
excellent drinking partner, real classy lady), Melvin was there, but so where
about 10 other guys. Nikki really is a single girl’s best friend, she has a boyfriend who has mounds of single
friends, Nikki is like the Easter Bunny, but instead of hiding chocolate she
hides away single guys and you find them hidden one by one. It’s a magical thing and every single girl
needs a Nikki in her tool belt.
She took me to a new pub and we commenced a night of
drinking. In order to make Melvin jealous I didn’t stop this Australian guy
from talking to me all night, great plan right? It actually was until somehow
me and the aussie got onto the topic that our city had a sex show all weekend
and I had never been before, they have it every year and apparently it’s a good
time. So when he said we should go tomorrow, I thought fuck it, sure I’ll agree
and in a drunken mind frame this seemed like a great idea! A guy I’ve known
less than 2 hours and a sex show, how can this go wrong! This is where normal
people would be like oh wait, bad idea, not me, I don’t see the downfall to
this plan. He asks for my number and of course because I am all wastey pants, I
give it to him. As a side note, I really think the whole make Melvin jealous
thing did help because he gradually spent the night sitting closer and closer
to me and serenaded me with a song while he was singing karaoke, which by the
way, made my heart go all kinds of melty and made me just swoon even more for
this man, but this story isn’t about Melvin, so I’ll get back to the point.
When the aussie texted me the next day asking if I was still
interested in going to the show my night flashed the less before my eyes, oh
fuck I did agree, damn. He said he would pick me up at three, great, now my
hung over ass has to get ready and go look at vibrators and other things with a
man I’ve talked to for a short period of time, a short drunken period of time
none. This should be great!
There is another downfall here that makes this whole event
even better; I can’t understand a damn thing this man says, he has a full blown
accent and he could be saying “I’m going to take you down a dirt road and leave
you there” and I would have no idea, I just nod and smile to 90 percent of what
he is saying.
So he came and picked me up, right on time, which is a bonus
for him, and we head to the sex show.
Things are going well; I remember his name and the parts of our
conversation that I could understand from our night before. I remember that he played
rugby for a club in Shitville and he informs me that he has friends who are working
security at the sex show, because you know, sex shows can get pretty out of
control at 3 in the afternoon. We walk in and immediately he see’s people he
knows, great. Now I’m confused if this is a date or just two people hanging
out, or what, but regardless, I believe introductions to friends on the first
date is just awkward. I’ll do it, I’ll be polite, but can’t we just avoid eye
contact with all friends till the third date because then I really never know
how to handle myself in these situations. That may make me weird but I feel
like I can’t really jump into the conversation in fear of saying something
wrong or overhearing something that you don’t disclose on a first date, so I
just like to avoid these situations, he doesn’t, he says “aw can’t be rude,
better go say ‘ello to my mates” and I’m like all like “uuhhh what did you just
say? Where are we going? AHHHHH follow, okay, I’ll just follow!”
I’d like to point out that we talked for one night and we
were both drunk and so when we walked up to his friends I wasn’t really sure
how the introduction would go...but what happened next I wasn’t sure how to
handle. Maybe someone smarter could have figured out what to do, thought better
on their feet, or found a way to avoid the situation entirely, I am not that
person, and we all know how I handle pressure situations; fucking horribly.
He introduces me to a group of guys...”this is Janelle.” The
first time, I wasn’t sure if it was just his aussie accent trying to say
Justine or if he really did just say the wrong name, but it was confirmed when
another guy from this rugby club came up and he said it again...”’ello mate,
this is Janelle.” That’s not my name, close, but not really, but do I correct
him, because that would just make it awkward. I could just be like “oh hey nice
to meet you, but that isn’t actually my name! I just met this guy drunk last
night and now we are at the sex show so don’t give him a hard time, I could
barely remember what he looked like this morning!” But if you don’t correct
then he will just keep thinking that that is my name and well how long do I
wait to correct him? If things go well do I just change my name and never tell
him that my actual name is Justine, not Janelle. I went for option two...I’m
just going to wait it out.
After awkwardly walking around the sex show he asks if I
want to go back to his house for a beer, well I’m three drinks in, you don’t
know my actual name and I don’t turn down free alcohol so why the hell not! We
get back to his house and I sit down on the couch and start drinking beer, we
are talking about a mutual friend that he lived with and I played soccer with
and went to Europe with when he asks the question, “Would you like to see some Australian
money?” Funny little aussie guy, I may be four drinks in but I know that means
going into your bedroom, I am not venturing into there, even if we just spent
the afternoon watching pole dancers and looking at vibrators. I start laughing hysterically
and he doesn’t seem to understand why, I think it’s funny that he thinks that
line would work, he doesn’t see the humour in it, so I say no, I’m not a hooker,
money doesn’t get me into your bedroom, again he doesn’t laugh, and I’m left
thinking maybe guys don’t appreciate my sense of humour as much as I do.
I left shortly after that and he drove me home, still not
knowing my real name, not thinking I’m as funny as I do and probably confused
as to why a girl who was willing to go to a sex show was not willing to go
check out his Australian money. Ah the perks of going on a date with me.
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