To my pretend significant other, here's a list of 36 things that will annoy you

Recently I read this list on Pinterest, 42 reasons why I am single. I thought while some of these reasons were valid, most didn’t apply to me, then I thought about that lady who wrote that horrid post telling me to evaluate all my annoying habits, then I started...I started making a list of reasons why I’m single; so, my dear future significant other, here are things that are going to annoy the shit out of you

1.       I’d much rather be left alone on Saturday night...well basically all of Saturday to lie in bed while watching Sons of Anarchy. Really, I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on make-up, none of that, I just want to sit there with Irma (my dog) and fantasize that Opie wants to marry me. Please find something to do during that time or better yet, make yourself useful by making me a sandwich.

2.       I don’t like to share my food, closet, smokes, bed, and money, basically anything. I don’t like sharing; I like my things to be mine and your things to be yours and if you ask me to share I will no longer like you

3.       I don’t like to cuddle, again, that goes with number two, my bed, your bed. Seriously there were times when I would make Kermit sleep in a different bed even after living together for more than 2 years; I like to sleep alone, not because we were fighting but because I like my own space when I sleep. With the exception of Irma, Irma can always cuddle with me

4.       I laughed way to hard in point number 3 when I got to write number 2. See now I’m laughing again, five year old boy potty humour is and always will be hilarious to me

5.       When I want to be loved, you better be there to love me and be fully prepared to leave when I am done with wanting to be loved.  Much like a cat, which are only popular on the internet, not in relationships

6.       I have 5 imaginary weddings planned, if you don’t fit into one of those 5 weddings, we can’t date. I’ve put a lot of time into those imaginary weddings.

7.       I’m Gonna Be, The Proclaimers, learn to love that song, because I will play it on repeat a lot

8.       I can probably burp louder than you, my pretend significant other

9.       Farting is always funny, unless it involves an oven of the Dutch decent.

10.   I can’t cook rice to save my life...can’t do it. I fuck it up every time. If you ever want to eat rice again just keep looking because I am not the one

11.   When I pour milk I will always spill some  on the counter, I can’t help it

12.   I am horrible at doing laundry, my mother is trying to teach me, but she just has so many rules, delicates, lights, darks, I get that...but I just don’t understand why I can’t put a towel with a hoody and why I can’t just throw everything in the dryer, so many rules to laundry.  I hate doing laundry

13.   When it’s that time of the month I will watch every romantic comedy possible and I will cry and cry and cry and hate you for not being Ryan Gosling and sending me 365 letters. When you see me searching everywhere for chocolate it’s best that you just go into hiding for the next week and send me love letters, it’s the only way to make it through the week.

14.   There will be times when I make you listen to Taylor Swift, P!NK, and Alanis Morissette, probably around the same time I am watching romantic comedies. It will be annoying because I will repeat the same 3 songs over and over again; it’s my sad music, deal with it.

15.   Anytime I drink tequila. That is why I am single. If I start drinking tequila, run in the opposite direction, no good will come from that

16.   I will insist on drinking tequila

17.   Tequila will make me puke

18.   I will curse you for letting me drink tequila, damn you pretend significant other for letting me drink tequila

19.   There are two things I will never understand, why the Spice Girls broke up and how to tell time on a clock that isn’t digital.

20.   I’m in a long distance relationship with Ryan Gosling...he might use the term “restraining order” but I prefer the term “long distance relationship,” so I’m sorry pretend significant other, I will never be able to fully invest in our relationship

21.   I will sing to every song I know. I can’t sing, but damn it I will die trying

22.   I will plan choreographed dances to songs and might be sad when you don’t want to be my back up dancer, this goes along with my need to tap dance through the grocery store

23.   You can come to expect that Jenna will know every single detail about you. Every single last detail, that she probably doesn’t want to know, that you don’t want her to know, she will know. It doesn’t matter how many times you say to me “Justine, don’t tell Jenna about this.” I can guarantee you the first thing I will do when you aren’t around is tell Jenna about it.

24.   I will probably wear hair extensions well into my late 20’s when the inevitable day comes that I trade in my long, beautiful, fake hair for a bob.  I don’t care if you don’t get why I spend so much money on my fake hair when I  can’t afford rent and that you like my hair without them, the quickest way to piss me off is telling me I don’t “need” hair extensions, just learn to accept them like the child we will probably never have.

25.   About once every three months I will get the strong urge to cut my hair in some drastic, trendy way, it is your job to talk me out of this every time. One time Kermit had to break into the bathroom because I’d convinced myself I wanted to shave half my head like those trendy tattooed bitches on Pinterest and I could do it myself

26.   Camping, I hate camping, I will ask you to go camping every May long weekend, I will last 24 hours then want to go home. Please take me home to my bed, my shower and bathroom. Please don’t remind me that I do this every year, I know, camping just sounds so fun in my head

27.   I will have a list for everything, no I never actually follow said list, but it relaxes me to make them. Isn’t it ironic that you read about my love for lists...in a list?!

28.   Really, though...I need to bring up tequila again. I’m just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for all the times tequila will make you mad at me

29.   How I drive, it’s going to drive you crazy. Yes I need to talk on the phone, smoke, use my GPS and change the song all at the same time, do your part and let me know when the light changes if you want to make it home alive

30.   I have to be on time for everything and being on time means being ten minutes early. If I am late and it’s your fault, prepare to feel the wrath of the devil.

31.   Bobby pins...bobby pins everywhere

32.   I will make you listen to my girl gossip, I will ask for your opinion, I know you don’t care what this person said but humour me my dear pretend significant other, your opinion is important to me

33.   I will over analyse every single situation in my head, 30 times, you can tell that I am when I bite my nails, this should make you nervous, so very nervous

34.   My mother, she is overbearing, no, you don’t get used to it, don’t worry that will annoy me too

35.   How many outfits I have to try on before I go out for the night, my hatred for socks and jackets, and how many times you will have to hear “I have nothing to wear”

36.   My need for you to accept the previous 35 things about me, because I can’t and won’t change. Those are thing things that will drive you crazy, there is probably more, but regardless those are the things that make me, me.