My knight with a shining wheel chair...where art thou?

When I was three when people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a part time lawyer and a part time bus driver but I am a horrible driver and if some one let me behind the wheel of a bus they would be an idiot as for being a lawyer sadly I have a low tolerance for stupid people who don’t share my opinion and would end up just punching people in the balls that didn’t agree with me.

So at ten when people asked me what I wanted to do I would answer “marry an 87 year old rich man.” Grown ups obviously thought I was kidding but I really wasn’t. They would pat me on the head and laugh awkwardly that this adorable little girl was on par for the same moral level as a play boy bunny. I still think that is an awesome plan and I am holding out for my 87 year old man. After all a penis is a penis in the dark, right?

While I wait for my knight with a shining wheel chair I have to get some kind of job and actually I’ve been liking my job more and more lately but I still like weddings and event planning better so I am going to go back to school.

Here is the problem with going back to school…I drank for all two years of it last time and my grades reflected my commitment to the bar instead of my homework. Really I blame the school for putting a bar in between my morning and afternoon classes, either way my father has said he isn’t going to pay for me to go back to school, at least until I prove I am serious about school this time. Dam you dad and your tough love. So I need to apply for student loans, except it is hella confusing, seriously I think you need a course on how to apply for student loans because there are so many buttons and things you need to just apply from grants and student aid.

Then there is my bigger problem of how serious am I going to jump back into school, just do on-line school, part time school or full time school for a diploma or degree? Where am I going to take my courses, what about the boyfriend who I don’t want to punch in the balls as much any more, he can’t pack his stuff up and move with my across the country and support my poor, student ass, but that’s where the best school is and shouldn’t I try to go for the best school? How am I going to afford this because I need to apply to these schools and get accepted before I can apply for money from the government and if I get accepted and have to move I need to know the money is coming because the one thing I do know for sure is that I am poor.

I went and talked to the parents about this, Eggy was all for applying to the best schools. He encouraged it because I think he would rather see me stressed in school rather then stressed over boys. Coupon Queen on the other hand didn’t tell me what to do which is really what I was looking for when I asked her opinion. Instead she told me I had some big decisions to make and said I need to picture what my future looked like and make my decision from there but I shouldn’t expect the boyfriend to be in the picture if I choose to move across the country. Thanks mom for your cold, harsh reality check.

So I am going to continue to be lost and confused and avoid making a life changing decision, at least for a little while longer, hopefully my knight in a shining wheel chair decides to show up soon because that plan seems less stressful.

 Doesn't it look like this cartoon just pooped his pants! 

Wine you are my downfall

Dana came over last night and I helped to on her journey to become a girl, meaning that I showed her how to properly put on make up and put in hair extensions. Well she brought wine. I should have known because she makes her own wine and is currently unemployed so she can get all kinds of wastey pants and not have to go to work the next day. Well 4 glasses of wine, two hours of hair extensions and make up later I was a little tipsy which always show the way to bad decisions on my part. I swear you could convince me to do any thing after 4 glasses of wine (not in a pervert way. Perv). Plus we had just spent two hours basically getting ready and that would just be wasteful.

 So we went out to my favorite ego boosting, dirty pub. I swear this pub is the best place to go if you are feeling bad for yourself. It was what I needed and you can judge me all you want but some times you just like to hear you are beautiful and smart from drunk men for two hours straight. Some times you need your vibrator. Chocolate and Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember and some times you need drunk men hitting on you.

I am paying dearly for it today. It is 27 degrees in my office and we didn’t have internet most of the day and it was the first day in 2 weeks that my boss has been at work and this is the day I choose to be hung over at work.

Moral of the story I am not as smart as the guy playing pool claimed I was last night; a smarter girl would have put the wine bottle down and not done those shots.

Boots with the fur

I went out Saturday with the boyfriend and my friend Matt, here’s the thing, generally I don’t like meeting new people especially girls and I really hate when you go to a party and there is some one from high school who annoyed the shit out of you. Well that was my Saturday night, I met up with Matt at this house party and it was my two worst nightmares, a really stupid girl and a guy I didn’t like from high school. There was also two girls in the early 40’s partying with 23 year olds, which is fine because at least they could hold a conversation.  If I didn’t really want to drink away my last two weeks I would have made a better judgment call and went home.

So we can to the bar and we go to this dirty ass rave club, not my first choice but I was with new people so I wasn’t going to make a big fuss and hell I just wanted to drink my last couple weeks away and the wine wasn’t cutting it any more.

So I walk in with the boyfriend and a couple other friends and one of the guys we came with whipped out these light up dildos on strings. At least that’s what it looked like. WTF is wrong with people?! He went out onto the dance floor and started swinging them around. I think he thought he was super cool and sexy swinging around these things that look like light up dildos on strings but the whole time all I could think about was if they vibrate or not?

Then I saw girls with short shorts, half a shirt and SUSPENDERS! It wasn’t even Halloween people! She left the house thinking she was all cute and stuff with her suspenders. Well she wasn’t. She looked like a tool. If ever you leave your house with suspenders and you are a female you do not look cute you look like a tool. She had a friend too. Oh! The friend was almost better. She also had on short shorts but her outfit was paired with cellulite and furry boots! I don’t understand these little rave kids with there weird outfits and furry boots that are multicolored. I am sure no man ever thought to himself “dam I want a girl with big furry boots on, ‘cause that would really turn me on right now.”

So here’s the thing, the boyfriend and I share a common love of judging these people. So I am sitting there with my vodka and turn to him and start making fun of these people, all three of them, suspenders girl, boots with the fur and dildo man. He looks at me and says “maybe it just makes them happy Justine. If they thought they looked good does it matter what you think?”

Uh. Yes obviously is does, because my outfit took thought and time and about an hour on pinterest and two hours shopping, my outfit is planned down to my underwear to make sure I don’t leave the house looking like I am part polar bear. And why all of a sudden are you going all self righteous on me? Augh I wish my girlfriends weren’t all pregnant and could come out and judge people with me properly and get me all wastey pants and make fun of people secretly till I am happy again.

On the bright side there was an extremely sexy guy who I tend to see when I venture out to the down town clubs. So I just looked at him after the boyfriend pissed me off because you can see his six pack through his shirt and that would make any one happy. 

Soul Sister

This is going to possibly be the creepiest blog post on the internet but I've stumbled across this blog and this lady the 47 year old version of me.

I highly recommend that you check out this blog if you are bored and have multiple hours to kill reading her blog because you will laugh like you've never laughed before. This lady is amazingly hilarious and witty and mean and it's makes my day.

I think if me and her and my mom (who is the best at judging people) sat down in a park and made fun of people for an afternoon it would be the best afternoon of my life.

It's the wine talking not me.

Happy Friday! This weekend can't be any worse then last weekend. Last weekend was shit. SO it can't get much worse then that! AND on the plus size I drank half a bottle of wine to myself and listened to angry music while I cleaned my house and cooked supper and then cleaned up after supper. BUT HEY! you sit there and play video games boyfriend. That's cool, I got this, you had a hard day of....playing video games. 

The boyfriend and I are slowly starting to get back to normal, which really means after spending 4 days crying, I’ve stopped crying and we are “talking” and “working on it” and he isn't being a a complete dick head now. Which is good because I honestly love that man more then any thing, which is a big ball of suck and awesome at the same time. I love him so much I went and got Jenna to go buy the new Halo game for him because he really wanted it and I wanted to surprise him. Fail by me, because I basically just rewarded him for being an ass.

But over the last four days I have been bombarding Jenna with text messages, crying phone calls, angry phone calls, dropping by her house because I have know where else to go. I mean I have my mom, and my mom is amazing, but my mom doesn't have the poor you attitude, she has the stop fucking crying over a guy, you are better then that shit attitude.  Jenna is a lot more sympathetic then my mom, she will make you tea  a drink and let you cry, but you know what else she will do? Come up with diabolical plans with you. Plans in case you get your heart broken that may or may not involve some kind of Miranda Lambert type lyrics, plans that involve hidden camera’s and ex boyfriends, regardless, these plans are awesome, slightly crazy, but I blame the wine and not me.  Let me share how supportive she is

Wine: How much do you think it would cost to put spy cameras in my house and how bat shit crazy would I be if I did so?
Jenna: Oh fuck no we can get them on the internet for cheap, like $100 bucks. I know people.

See the support? Ya. I know that’s crazy, but she supported me.

Her talking about coming with me to and event that I really don’t want to go to but in a drunken night said I would go too

Jenna: Justine for all intensive purpose I would say yes but I would beat the shit out of some one…I’ll come visit and bring you treats.
Me: well if I wouldn’t have said yes already I wouldn’t be going
Jenna: Just say some thing came up…like a soccer tournament in the Yukon.

Totally plausible right?

                Jenna: Dude. I have the day off Friday, I got cha back. I will 007 this shit up.

And that is what true friends do. Let you be crazy when you need to be crazy, feed you drinks, and stalk.

Take your love and suck it boss man

You know what adds salt to your wound? When your boss loves his wife so much it would compete with movies such as Walk to Remember or the Notebook. Quotes from today about his wife:

•          (about his business trip to Boston tomorrow) I wish I was just going with my wife. I’d rather take a holiday and spend time with her. She is just so amazing. (this is me rolling my eyes)
•         She is so smart and beautiful. I am so lucky (this is me dry heaving)
•         My wife is proof that there are women that are prettier then super models (Now I am full on vomiting)

Ya. These were all said within the first 4 hours of work. You make me sick boss man. Can’t you just be a prick and let me hate men. You should have heard the shit he was saying last week because it was her birthday, at least last week it was bearable because I was naïve and thought that some one could love me like that. Augh. Some one hurry up with my Taylor Swift.   

Women's right? Ya right.

You know what sucks? Being punished for not wanting to have kids. Ya, I’m talking about the boyfriend or what ever he is at this point in time. I blame all these people pushing kids out at 23. I am 20 fucking 3, I am not a spring chicken but my biological clock isn’t even close to being up.

I have to decide if I want kids now and how many kids I want. And heaven forbid if I say the wrong number. It’s like multiple choice roulette. There isn’t even a ring on my finger but I need to decide if I see kids in my future or not and if I say that I don’t want kids then that’s  it? Goodbye relationship.  I am twenty three! How am I supposed to know, I have nothing figured out! I don’t even know what I am going to make for supper tonight but I need to decide if kids are a good idea?

There are things I know I want to do, like go back to school, having a successful business, back pack around Europe. Those are things I know for sure I want, kids not so sure.

You know what else sucks?  The idea of women can have it all. A great career, a family, you can get every thing you want! That’s a lie. One area always suffers. You pick your children and your career will never be the same because there are PTA meetings, soccer try outs, and a family to clean and cook after. You pick your career and you miss out on the first step, swimming lessons, teaching them to ride a bike. And if you try to do both your marriage suffers. That is what the divorce rate is so high. Women are made to believe they have to have it all; you have to have the perfect family with a perfect marriage and the perfect job. It’s unrealistic. You can’t just pick one and be really good at one thing; you have to cook, clean, play taxi, work full time, and pack lunches and be a sex goddess. I am not even doing those things and I am tried. And you notice what there isn’t ever time for? You. Men have lots of time for hobbies, friends, beer and their work but between lunches and baths when do you get time for yourself? You don't. Maybe a spa day once a year on mothers day. Other then that you are a work horse that has to look sexy doing it. 

You know what else sucks? When another woman comes in and gives your boyfriend some thing that you aren't sure you are ready for and he confides in her. She has her kid that your boyfriend loves and you have nothing. You are left with Taylor Swift and my good friends Ben and Jerry’s because you can’t do any thing. You have to sit back and watch because you can’t be the crazy girlfriend but if you don’t step in you see every thing slipping out of your hands. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially when your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche about it but you love him so much you stay. Emotional abuse and you can’t leave. But you can't say that to him because then he will leave because "he doesn't want to hurt you." You can't say how you really feel so you have to slap on this big fake smile and pretend to be o.k with it. You’ve planned a whole life with some one, sacrificed every thing to make them happy, put your dreams on hold for theirs and they just stop caring about you. That’s what sucks the most. Knowing you've tried so hard for it to be taken away and on top of that he cuts you down to some one who is suppose to be your friend and she doesn't even stand up for you.

So that is what sucks. Just in case you are wondering  the only thing that would make me happy right now is if some one got me on Ellen or bought me Taylor Swifts CD and cried with me.

Worst person ever award goes to....

I am steeling from the Canadian Diabetes Society. You know your life has reached a new low when you get to type of those words. Here is the thing, my boss took away are vending machine, which I never used because that would cost me money but we do have this box that sits on my desk. It’s a box filled with chocolate bars, chips, Nibs, you know, all the good stuff that I shouldn’t eat. But they just let it sit in this box, open to the world, and expect you to put your money in a little slot and take your junk food.

I don’t put money in ever. I don’t carry around change! I am not a stripper, I don’t have loonies floating around, it’s 2012 people use plastic and cardboard slots don’t except plastic. So when I want one of these treats from the box I put an IOU in. At first the lady who picks up the box and drops the new box off would put things like

“you owe 5 dollars”

I’d just take off the sticky note and keep going with my day. I figured her notes were about as effective as my IOU’s. 

But really here is my conclusion

1)      This may make me the worst person in the world for ripping off all the poor diabetics in Canada. But one of my friends is diabetic and so I’ll make sure to apologize and maybe buy him a beer to make up for it.

2)      Does any one else see the irony that they are selling candy to raise money for diabetes?! Who thinks of this shit? That’s like selling cigarettes to stop lung cancer! For being that stupid they deserve to give me free candy. 

Fly with me to bountyland

So I was driving home Wednesday from work and Lollipop by Aqua came on the radio (my CD player is broken) and I can sing every word. I seriously did not miss a beat. Then it hit me. I can remember every word from almost every Aqua song including the one where they start the song with a horse galloping in but I can not for the life of me remember what year my boyfriend was born. I can’t do it. I even try thinking of our age difference which is 5 years and counting back but then I always get stuck.

Point being, I am a horrible girlfriend, awesome person, and my mom may have dropped me on the head when I was little.  

For your musical enjoyment: