Why do awkward things always happen to me?

Have you ever walk into a situation and you walk in oblivious to what is going to happen next, you walk in thinking everything is going to be normal and fine and then in a moment everything changes and it is mass chaos. I suspect it would be the same thing as being mugged. I was mugged. Except it was for a job interview. I walked into the interview prepared and I then I was mugged of my preparation and now I am left standing on  a street corner wondering what the fuck just happened. (figurative street corner not actual street corner, although if I don’t find a new job soon that is where I might end up)

Group interviews.  Have you ever partaken in a group interview? I applaud you if you haven’t. It was a horrible life experience that I never want to deal with again. If you don’t know what a group interview is it’s where they shove a group of candidates in a room and interview you all, like, at once.

30 girls where put into a room, sitting there, silently judging every one that walked in, waiting and wondering what the fuck was going on. I know I wasn’t the only one doing this, I’ve seen Mean Girls, I know what’s up.

Dr. Perv,  that we are interviewing for walks in, with his daughter (who I assumed was the double for the girl from The ring) and says

“Don’t worry, the biggest group interview I did was 119.” 

Is that suppose to be reassuring? It wasn’t. See if it was 119, I could have slipped out the back and bypassed this whole mess of a situation. 30 women in one room, I can’t sneak out, I am stuck. 

Then it starts, queen of the bitches starts the interview, ten minutes early, even though 4 fucking more candidates where still not there (she doesn’t like late people, good thing I have a fear of being late). She asks if everyone has a pen and paper. I have never in my life gone to a job interview with a pen and paper, I know they told me to in my college prep course, but let’s be realistic, I am applying for a shitty office job, not something of substance, you ask the questions, I give you a generic, well thought out answer, no pen and paper necessary, a list of skills and weaknesses that I can cleverly spin to seem like positives. My first mistakes, the fucking pen and paper, I raised my hand and said I didn’t have one, I should have asked to use the bathroom and bolted, I didn’t do that though, and that was my second mistake. How in a room full of 30 girls am I the only one who missed the memo about the fucking pen and paper. I hope girlfriend doesn’t feel the same way about pens and paper as she does late people.

I get my pen and paper and I am so confused as to what is going on, but lesson one from Mean Girls, don’t show any signs of weakness. They kill you if you show signs of weakness. So then queen bitch starts asking questions, I am suppose to write down my answers, you’ve all read this blog, if you could say one thing about my blog (besides me being hilarious) is that I can’t fucking spell, at all, you look past it and continue to read because you know

1)      I am hilarious, and

2)      It makes you feel better about yourself

 I was blind and partially deaf till grade 3, that gives me an out on all things spelling and telling time related. My first therapist said it would be okay and computers would just do spell check for me eventually and I could go back and participate in show and tell again. Little did that therapist know I’d have a group fucking interview where I had to write down my answers.  

So I write and I write and I write and by the last question I know that this is hopeless and I should just go get a cheese burger and go the fuck back to my shitty office job. I stopped caring, I just started writing down answers that don’t make sense

 

“Please tell us why you would be an excellent candidate for this job” – I am not. I didn’t have a pen and paper.

 She asks us to add anything that they may want to know at the end and I refrain from drawing a diagram to politely show her how to go fuck herself. I move on to part two of this “job interview,” a test. A personality test, an attention to detail test and some other test involving math that I didn’t want to do. Girlfriend beside me whips through her test faster than I can eat a whole pizza before anyone gets home to notice and that just increases my test anxiety. But I finish and we sit there, all 30 of us, in this awkward silence, then Dr.Perv,  walks out and walks up and down looking at every girl like she is some kind of meat at the super market and he’s deciding what he wants to have for dinner. Never in my life have I been so uncomfortable and I ran naked across a football field while 90 percent of my high school watched and I was in the paper where most of my town saw my ass on the front page, this was still a million times MORE uncomfortable. I would rather go to thy gyno than go through that shit again. So he walks...back and forth...back and forth...back and forth then disappears into his backroom again. He does this again, I’m starting to wonder if he is going to start throwing loonies at us because it’s just as degrading at this point.

 He asks three girls to stay back and the rest of us can go, this whole situation has left me stunned and maybe appreciating my slightly less perverted boss. At least where I work the men discreetly check you out. I just want to know how and why awkward situation always happen to me, what have I done to always be put into the most awkward situations. I don't deal with them well, I make inappropriate jokes, I make weird faces, and always, always do the absolutely worst things that doesn't help defuse the awkwardness.

Girls, why do you understand me so

"I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I’m the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this because it makes me sound like a girl, who wants to like go to brunch and I really don’t want to go to brunch, and I don’t want you to like sit on the couch while I shop, or like even meet my friends. I don’t even want that, okay?

And I don’t really see you hearing me, and I don’t really see you changing, so… I just summed it up. And I’m sorry that I didn’t figure it out sooner and you must think I’m even stupider than you thought already, but consider it a testament to your charms. Because you might not know this, but you are very, very charming. And I really care about you. And I don’t want to anymore because it feels too shitty for me. So I’m gonna leave."

What's new and exciting with you?

I am going to start avoiding public places where I run the risk of running into old family friends, simply so I can avoid the question “what’s new with you, married, kids?”

I am 24, and not a, I got my shit together 24, more of a, oh she is still finding herself, 24. I specialized in booze and shopping for the greater part of my early 20’s, I had little to no desire to make it to my 8 am lecture in college because I had been up till 4 in the morning partying. I had no desire to marry the catastrophically wrong guy for me in my early 20’s, I understood birth control so there wasn’t a surprise baby and I wasn’t in a rush to find a unsatisfying career that would result in me waking up at 40 with a job I hate because society deemed it necessary that I picked a career path at 18.

 Am I in a better place because of those choice? No, I am not, just a different place, I live in my parents basement, spend my Friday nights hoping a guy just as catastrophically wrong for me shows me some kind of interest, and I can sing every word to every Taylor Swift song...and I have choreographed dances to the majority of them.

Still, I feel like just assuming that because most of my peers have had some kind of accomplishment in their lives it is not okay to assume that all of us have. So asking the question “what’s new” is totally acceptable, assuming that I have made some great accomplishment by 24, like making a human being with my genitals, is not an okay postscript to the question what’s new. When I ask you, older family friend lady, what’s new with you, I don’t end the sentence with “how was menopause, those hot flashes are a bitch eh?” You know why I don’t ask that, because it’s fucking rude and I do have a small amount of couth.

29, this is the appropriate age where it’s alright to ask those questions, are you married , do you have kids, until then you just ask me how I am doing and I will reply with some kind of societal mainstream response. Chances are if I have spend a massive amount of money on one day, I will tell you, the chances are even higher, if I’ve made a human being, I will tell you.

 You may be asking yourself why 29? To you I say, thank you for indulging me and letting me continue on this rant.

29, that is the average age women of Canada get married. So, if at 29 you feel the need to ask me if I am married, I will accept it and probably still reply with the same answer I did last night, “HA! I can barely get a second date from a guy, baby steps.” Which, in case you were wondering, is not a funny response and tends to lean to more awkward.

29 also happened to be the average age women choose to bare children, not 24. You know what average is for 24 year olds, having 510 friends on Facebook, and I am close to that, so I feel a small sense of normalcy and accomplishment.

Words of encouragement from couples to us singles

Ah the joys of being single, it seems everyone has advice for us poor single beings. You would almost guess that a couples favourite pass time is to give us single folk’s words of encouragement. Couples are the poster holders in the marathon of love.

 Most of my friends are in relationships and it’s like they just itch to find that other couple friend that can spend their nights going for dinners, discussing books, new TV series they are watching as a couple, the things couple do now that their days of beers and wild sex are over.

So as the token single girl of my group I get countless offerings of encouragement and hope, these are my favourite

1. Don’t worry, there is so many fish in the sea – I want to know when this became the token thing to say to a single person? Don't ever bring up a sea or how there is a bountiful amount of fish, unless we are snorkeling, in that case carry on
2. You are so great/pretty/funny/random adjective, how are you single? – Thanks grandma still trying to figure that out
3. Maybe you should lower your standards – I don’t think I even have standards anymore, I just pray they don’t shit themselves on the first date now and even that has happened to me and I still went out on a second date with him
4. Have you tried on-line dating? – yes...sadly blazinpussygod420 didn’t meet my ridiculously high standards
5. You’ll meet someone when you least expect it – You know the only time I don’t expect to meet someone...when I am pooping...in a bathroom. Other than that I am always expecting it. Like a dating ninja
6. You have to love yourself before someone can love you – Do you love yourself? No one loves themselves; we are programmed to hate ourselves, it’s in our nature as women, unless you are Beyonce.
7. I’m going to set you up with *insert male name here!* He is absolutely perfect for you – if you’ve ever been set up you know that they are never perfect, there is always a fatal flaw.
8. You won’t ever meet someone at a bar -.Good I go to the bar to drunk and laid, not meet prince charming
9. I’m jealous you are single you must have so much fun, sometimes I miss being single – Right, cause not getting laid is totally awesome! Hey at least I don’t have to shave my legs
10. Maybe if you got out more you could meet someone – Have you been out? It scary. I like to keep my going out options minimal for this exact reason
11. There’s a guy out there for you, don’t stop looking – I thought I was suppose to stop looking so I wouldn’t expect it. Just admit it, you know nothing.

See, it seems like everyone in a relationship has some sort of advice to offer, maybe they feel sorry for us? Maybe they just don’t know what to say to us? Maybe being single is like a disease, I’m not really sure, but regardless none of us want your advice. But bless your heart.

I miss you...r vagina

You may recall that I’ve previously mentioned that I stopped really dating, if you can call what I’ve been doing the last 6 months dating. I am not desperate enough to resort to on-line dating and the bitterness Melvin left me towards men does not make me an ideal candidate for men, which leads to most of my weeknights spent at the gym and then watching Netflix and becoming consumed in fictional characters love lives. The closest thing I have to a healthy relationship right now is me cursing the stair master everyday then saying sorry when my pants aren’t as tight the next week.  

 Lately though  my Thursday nights have started to get a little more exciting, the last three Thursday’s, starting around 9:30 the drunk texts start to pour through from men I’ve left in my past. I think it is a testament to my taste in men that for the last three weeks in a row I get drunken texts sent on a Thursday night. They generally follow the same pattern, it starts with a hey with one too many “y’s” followed by a “what are you doing baby” and finishes with an “I miss you.”

Let me decode this for you, anytime there is an extra y in any text, it means hi, I am drunk, any time there is a, what are you doing, from a random man that you've slepted with, it means come over and sleep with me, any time they say “I miss you” it means porn and lube just aren’t going to cut it tonight maybe I can trick her into sleeping with me. Men, this is about as sneaky as asking a girl to come over and watch a movie. You don’t miss us, you don’t really care what we are doing or what’s new with our lives, you are just drunk and horny and sending out a text to anything with two legs and a heartbeat, vagina optional at this point.

I get drunken texting, I could write a short story with the embarrassing drunken texts I’ve sent through the years but I save them for weekends you know why, because at 11 at night, when I am consumed with Vampire Diaries, telling me you miss me does not make me want to hop in my car and come over, it makes me want to punch you in the face. Also, I am probably sitting at home in an over sized old t-shirt, dirty sweat pants, unshaven legs, zero make up and red eyes from crying over the fictional characters love lives. You don’t want that girl to come over, hell even the ugly girl at the bar by herself is a better option than me at that point, maybe she shaved her leg, go bug her.

That will be story for the grandkids

Remember when I wasn’t really dating and didn’t have guys to worry about? Remember how nice that was for me and how boring it was for you? Well, in the name blogging I went on a date kind of and it is safe to say that I am ready to crawl back into my hole.

I had met this guy a couple of times partying with friends, I was kind of excited about him, he was nice, fun, and had good taste in music, all good things. Last week he invited me over on the Friday night because he was having some friends over, I went and it was nothing special and drove home pretty early. The next day was beautiful and summer is pretty much over so I decided to take advantage of it and go out to my cabin and I invited him. He agreed but only if we stopped and got a cheese burger to cure his hang over.

We get out to my cabin and he is chatting with my dad, I am not one of those people who hide people from their parents until they know for sure it will work, I have to expose them to that crazy and if they stay then I know it will work. He passed the test, so off we went into the water and my dad left. After some swimming he said he was cold and asked if we could get out. Sure, why not? I think you are being a pussy, but what ever you want love.

 While getting onto the dock he said he didn’t feel good. I have zero sympathy for people who are hung over; I power through the world’s worst hang over’s on a bimonthly basis, power through yours. I say we will go up to the cabin and get some water and he will be fine and I walk away, I get to the stairs and turn around to find him lying on the grass in a very dramatic way and I’ll I can think is come on pal, get your shit together, little did I know that thought was going to come back and bite me in the ass.

I walk over and ask if he okay, “I can’t see and I can’t hear and I don’t feel good.” Check yourself buddy, this is not how you impress a girl, not at all. I explain to him that there is no way in hell that I could get his 6’5 ass up the stairs so he better  regroup and get his ass up the stairs if he was that sick. He agrees and we walk over to the stairs, I march up the stairs to go grab water and I hear THUNK! I look down to see him sprawled on the grass and dirt, oh god really? Are we being dramatic, did we miss the concept of left then right for movement, or are we actually really sick? I don’t know what’s going on at this point so I go down the stairs. I splash some water on him (logical choice right) and say we need to get him up the stairs. He gets up and slowly but surely makes it up the stairs. I’ve decided this date is over so I am going to take him home now to deal with this on his own when he proclaims he has to “poop” and lets out the grossest smelling fart I have ever had the displeasure of smelling, I run away to safety aka inside the cabin. That’s when I hear yet another loud THUNK! Fuck me gently what is going on with this guy! I decided at this point maybe I should take him to the hospital and am actually kind of concerned. Any body who could let out a fart that gross smelling must have something wrong with them. I get him up and he proclaims again his need for the bathroom and rushes in there. He calls my name and I hesitantly reply yes, he says,

“I shit my pants”

No. Just no. This is not okay; no way in hell is this happening to me. I don’t know what to say, for the first time in my life I am left speechless.

“It’s on your deck.” 

It? It as in poop? There is poop on my deck, not your pants. I am so confused and grossed out and why is this happening to me!

Any bad date I’ve ever had, any mean thing that Melvin has done to me, I would pick over this. I don’t do poop, unless it’s in a toilet and you are telling me about it. I don’t touch poop, I don’t like to clean up my dogs poop and those are small, human poop?! NO FUCKING WAY.

I walk outside to see the biggest, steamiest, pile of poop. I am dry heaving and have tears running down my face. WHY ME GOD, WHY!”

I clean it up and I go inside and ask if he’s okay, he is not, he is going to pass out again, I have to go in to the danger zone, I don't have any comrades to help me out, I am there, alone.

This can’t get any worse right? Wrong, it can. There is a naked 6’5 man covered in dirt, poop and now puke, the smell alone was enough to kill a person. This is not how I planned seeing him naked for the first time.  I have to get him out of here; I get him dressed in my dad’s old clothes and rush to the hospital.

I get security to take him in and he is getting admitted. I am sitting there on my phone telling my dad what has happened when I look up and he’s gone. POOF! Vanished, how does a 6'5 man who has shit himself and is covered in puke just vanish? Beats me, but you thought I would have smelled him leaving. You might think this is where I get to get in my car and drive home and reflect on the day, but there is a small problem, I have all his stuff, his shoes, his phone, and lets not forget his bag of clothes covered in poop that is in my car.

I walk up to security to see if I can give him his stuff that are now currently in my possession, and of course they ask for a last name, which by the way I have no idea of, they ask for the first name, and of course I only know his nickname, so I do what any person who just went through a traumatic situation does, freak the fuck out.

“Look, I just went out on a date with this guy and I had to clean up his shit! I just want to give him his stuff and get the hell out of dodge okay.”

The security guard is laughing hysterically, I am less than impressed that he finds this so fucking hilarious. At this point it's not funny to me, it's traumatizing.  “That will be a story for the grandkids!”

No sir it is not, just take his stuff and let me go shower.

I get out and I go home then to a party at Melvin’s house, I don’t care what you say, nothing Melvin has done has been that bad.

Note- the guy was actually really sick, spent the night in the hospital and so I should probably have a heart and feel a little bad for him, because I do and I know how embarrassing it is... but you picked the girl with a blog to go on a date with...sorry, but the world must know.

I'm sorry I mentioned it

Jenna and I took a road trip to go get bridal lingerie last week, on our way back she asked me that if enough time passed would I consider getting back together with Kermit. She pointed out how well we worked together for so long, and how much I cared for him and how bad dating has been for me since him, really it's been horrible. After I was done hysterically laughing and then crying I replied with no, more like fuck no but you get what I am sayin. Kermit and I really tried to make a friendship work after our breakup, I really wanted a friendship to work, there was just one problem, somewhere between the end of our relationship and now he has turned into a complete douche bag. Have you ever tried to be friends with a complete douche bag? It’s hard isn’t it.

 Which leads me to last Friday, after having possibly the most crap filled week I received news that an old co-worker died. I worked with him when I worked with Kermit so I thought I would let Kermit know, in case you know, he decided to stop being an arrogant prick, turns out he hasn't so that's great.

 

 You know the saying though, once an arrogant prick, always an arrogant. He asked how I was doing, I said absolutely horrible, my week is shit, I got the boot for my “roommates” and there has been a pile of stress lately. Wrong thing to say, you know what you say when your ex boyfriend asks how you are doing? You say good. And you run. Otherwise you get some not needed pep talk about how you need to look at things positively and you are just whiny. Great. Have you been around lately? No, it's been shit, there isn't a whole lot to be positive about. Thanks for adding to my great week, you sure know how to make a girl feel better. I texted back and say, alright have a nice day this is why we don’t talk anymore. He texted me my give-a-fuck meter is right out so I left it.

 

Fast forward to Saturday night when I am having drinks at Melvins, (don't ask) I get a text from Mike

 

"Kermit asked me for your number, which is weird because I didn't give him mine"

 

"well...he probably got it on a bathroom stall. He has my number though, I just talked to him Friday."

 

That's weird right? Why, do not text my friends, you lost those in the divorce, you got all the furniture, I got my friends. Maybe if you weren't an arrogant prick you could have your own, as it stands, they are mine, back off.

 When I first met Kermit he was the nicest, most understanding guy I had ever met, that is what I liked about him, he listened and he cared, over time that person faded, since breaking up that person has flown to never ever land never to be seen again and this new cocky jackass has stepped in to take his place. Let me tell you a secret folks, he is not all that and a bag of potatoes chips, I dated the guy I know, he’s wasn’t some amazing catch that I stumbled on and luckily kept.  No, he was weird and dorky but he cared about people. You know what has changed since we’ve broke up? The amount on his pay cheques. That does not give a person reason to turn into an egotistical dickhead yet somehow it always seems to have that affect.

 So that friendship has dissolved, so I retract any statement that I have previously made that ex’s can be friends, they can’t, they can be civil.

Sweat baby sweat

Sunday morning I woke up to a text reminding me that I had a date later in the afternoon. A hiking date, which in theory sounds cute, awe, we will hike out down to the river and it will be all so cute and romantic. In my head this is excellent, something picture perfect and out of a movie and we know how much I love anything that reminds me of a romantic movie scene. Also I thought this would be a good way to get over Melvin, who recently entered and exited my life for the millionth time in 6 months, I’ve seriously developed an eye twitch from the stress that man causes me.

So I wake up kind of pumped for my hiking date, until I realize I do not have a hiking outfit and the more concerning fact, I have never really gone hiking.  Once when I was 12, but uh, I was a hefty 12 year old and it was probably a traumatic experience because it involved moving so I never really did it again. Also after a conversation with Dana, she informs me that fake eye lashes are not accepted when you go on a hiking date and I probably shouldn’t waste my time curling my hair. I am in panic mode; usually I like to ease guys into the process of seeing “natural” Justine. I like to charm them with my amazing personality so when I go from Beyonce to Susan Boyle it’s not as big of deal, because they are swooned with my sense of humor and loveliness.

So I go on this date, without hair extensions or falsies and it is at this time that I decided that I am more of a mini golf, dinner and drinks kind of date. Why you ask? Because let me tell you the main difference between movies and real life. Sweat. That’s it. You don’t get romantic moments when the two of you are so sweaty from the sun beating down on you and you are crawling over shrubs like it’s the Hunger Games.  There isn’t a sexy way to unpeel your shirt from your back, there isn’t a romantic way to look into each other eyes when you have beads of sweat dripping into them off your forehead, and I sure as hell don’t want you to touch me because the bugs are touching me enough and I’d probably catch you in the chin with one of my arms flailing that’s trying to hit the bug that just bit me on the arm.

But we finally made it down to the river; I take one step into the water, and BAM! Legs go over my head, arms reaching to grab something, anything, but there is nothing for me to stable myself and I ever so gracefully biff it into the water, right on my ass. Yep. I am the most graceful create to walk the earth. He is busy laughing at me so I stand up take one more step and fall again. I give up. Dating is not my forte. Needless to say, I doubt there will be a second date.

Thank you for reminding me why I am single

You know one of the perks to being single? I get to listen to all you people in relationships, bitch about your relationships. You know another perk to being single? I get to hear all my single friends tell me how they bang not so single people. You know another perk to being single? I get to sit here and judge all you people in your relationships. I get to grab my popcorn and listen to the horrible divorce stories, cheating stories, my girlfriend did this stories, my boyfriend said that stories and why yes, they are sad, I get to pass a small amount of judgement, because you are judging my relationship with Netflix's and cheese.

Those don’t sound like perks really, but trust me they are, for the simple reason, I don’t have a person to complain about, to consume my life, to plan my life around, I have me, and the stories I hear make me scream out “praise Jesus” and stay single forever. I can tell you that at least once a week I have a friend who is going through some kind of relationship turmoil, some kind of nervous breakdown, crying mess, chocolate eating catastrophe in their relationship. I know that relationships have their ups and their downs, and there will be problems and sometimes people need to vent,  I've been there, but as I sit there and listen to their problems like a good friend I can’t help but think...really? Is this what I am missing out on?  

I watch as their girlfriends post pictures of how in love they are, while he asks me if there will be single, hot girls at the party. My friend spent her Saturday night at a party in a screaming match with her boyfriend, I spent my Saturday night watching Netflix’s and eating cheese. You tell me who had the better Saturday night. Rhetorical question, I did. Sure I went to bed alone and woke up alone, but I didn’t go to bed with puffy eyes from crying. See, I’d be fully open to a new relationship if I didn’t have to spend so much time hearing about how horrible yours is. You know what happens when the guy I’ve gone on three dates with pisses me off? I get to say see you later and it’s easy because I’m not invested.

I had a friend say to me, I know you hate on-line dating, but you should try it again, they’re lots of guys on there who are nice, with good jobs. First off she is wrong, I was on a dating site and between the slew of “hey baby” and “youz sexy” messages, I found very few men on there who seemed normal, not that I am the poster child for normal but I am way more normal than sexyman420. But I had to plan my response carefully, because when you are the only single girl in your group of friends people tend to feel sorry for you, like you must be lonely, or depressed because your Saturdays are spent at home in sweats with your dogs. So I chose my words carefully when I responded...”there is not a burning hope in hell that I am getting back onto a dating website unless it’s for sheer entertainment, which to be honest has crossed my mind a couple of times.

Yes, sometimes being single is lonely, yes, sometimes I just want someone to ask how my day was without the hidden agenda of wanting me to come over to watch a movie later (if you know what I mean), but you know what, for right now, I get to enjoy focusing on me, spending time on me and not obsessing over a mellow dramatic ass munch, or a self righteous prick who couldn’t appreciate what he had. I get to do me and listen to your stories.

Why your 30's are not your new 20's

Somewhere in the great sands of time a monumental switch was made, a switch that affects you and me, basically every young adult. A switch was made in society, at least North American society that proclaimed to 20 some things everywhere that we have time! Time to travel, time to be picky, time to party, time to make mistake, and once 30 hits you will have made your mistakes and the pieces of your life with magically fall into place. I have a girlfriend who’s whole mantra is based on that idea, we are young and don’t want to wake up at 30 full of regret that we never did all the things we wanted too.

But society can’t fool me, I know your secret.  I don’t have endless time to gallivant and make mistakes, I turn 24 on Friday and have very….very….very little to show for it. Multiple failed relationships, an almost education, a dog, a room in my parents basement, that is what I have at 24. So society, excuse me while I drop kick you in the throat for telling me that I have time and that the pieces will magically fall into place. You might be sitting there saying “no Justine, you do have time! You are 24 years old, you are young!” To you I say, you are part of my problem and stop it. I know I am young, I know I have “time” but where you are wrong is that my 20’s are going to shape the rest of my life. I even have proof.

I watch this video from Ted Talks the other night, I told you I am painfully single and have a lot of time on my hands, so, so painfully single; the video was titled Why 30 is not the new 20, ya, if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you get the fuck (ya, that word is necessary) out of this blog because that is downright terrifying. Meg Jay is a psychologist, who specializes in 20 some things, anxiety filled, panicking 20 some things, just like me!  I am slightly comforted in the fact that this lady was able to make a whole career out of people like me, I don’t know if that is really a comforting statement, but I’m taking what I can get at this point in my life.  

After I watched the video I had a full on, lie on the bed, curled up in a ball, while breathing into a paper bag, crying panic attack; she confirmed every single fear I have...that yes, your 20’s are influential times in not only your career and relationships but basically your whole life, and pardon me while I paraphrase,  your 20’s shape your whole fucking life; if my life turns out like my 20’s thus far it will be a horrible blend of bad relationships where I “fix” his problems and suppress mine, bad office jobs and happy hour specials at dive bars, not exactly what I have pictured for my future. You know what good has come out of my 20’s? I’ve harnessed my ability to get ready for work in less than 10 minutes that is my greatest accomplishment thus far…not that that isn’t some serious talent. But my constant fear of messing up my future is warranted.

 I vividly remember Carrie Bradshaw telling me that “my 20’s are to have fun, your 30’s are to learn your lessons, and your 40’s are to pay for the drinks.” Carrie Bradshaw is never wrong, she fixed the unfixable man, worked for Vogue, sold books all over the world and basically did it all while rocking 5 inch stiletto’s and designer bags; never mind the fact that she is a fictional character, what have you done Meg? Can’t I follow Carrie’s advice, it makes me feel better about my questionable life choices to this point, I am having fun, I am making mistakes, I am doing things that society tells me it’s okay to do, because I have time! You Meg, add fuel to my anxiety filled fire while Carrie gives justification to my questionable life choices.

See my solution to this fear is just do nothing and wait for it suddenly all click, right, that’s what happens in movies, something happens and the pessimistic, lost, main character has an epiphany and bam, she finds love, gets promoted, basically just lives happily ever after, so that’s what I’ve been waiting  for, my epiphany. So I’ve been procrastinating, restrain my fears and doing nothing. That is apparently the wrong thing to do, at least according to Meg. By doing nothing I am not investing in myself, I am not “in control” of my future, basically unless I work to change it, it won’t change. Which to you may seem like a trivial idea, but I went to months of therapy for that, but even after Amy Poheler I never really knew what the next step was so I just never took a step. I don’t feel like I am alone in that either, I mean, obviously I am not if this lady can make a whole career out of it.

I was discussing this with Abby the other night and she told me about her random subway run in with a lady, the lady told her, “I am 35 years old, I have a beautiful daughter, a divorce and I am renting an apartment because my ex husband left me with very little, but what he can’t take away from me, what no one can take away from me is my education.” What a tragic yet liberating statement. Tragic in the sense that at 35 your whole life can be taken away, liberating in that she spent her 20’s working for something that no one can take away from her…and that is the pride that she accomplished something on her own, by herself and it can never be seized from her. 

So where does the problem lie? For me, I blame the myth that society gives us that we have time and that pieces will magically fall into place. That we can waste our twenties and find a career in our 30’s, find a relationship, find ourselves, in our 30’s.

 I turn 24 in two days and not one thing has fallen into place for me, if anything the constant suppressing of my future to aid others has set me back. My lack of boundaries when it comes to self sacrifice for others has only hindered me. If we look at my past relationship history there is one common factor, I will fall hopelessly and madly fall in love with you, if there is a way I can fix you.

Obviously, for 20 something women relationships seem to consume a lot of our thoughts, will I find love, why doesn’t he love me, why isn’t he the man I want him to be, why am I alone, the questions of relationships and love seem to be a main theme for women in their 20’s, in and out of relationships.  Maybe because our biological clock is ticking away, maybe because we have more a primitive desire to find a mate and well...reproduce...for whatever reason, women tend to obsess over the need to find a mate more than most males. Males seem to find this need somewhere in the 30’s. So when she brought up dating, we all really shouldn’t be shocked, it’s a huge part of our 20’s. Meg, that magically lady, compares dating in your 20’s to musical chairs, you are having fun, dancing around to the music all through your 20’s then the one day the music stops, all your friends start getting married, having kids, settling down, and you are left standing, so you grab the closest chair, is doesn’t matter if it’s the right chair, you just grab it, because you don’t want to be left standing alone. I looked around at all the relationships around me and I judged, yep...I did. Sorry friends, but it’s safe to say I think the majority of you just grab a freaking chair, you spend more time complaining about these relationships than enjoying them, and really...while your 20’s seem to be flying by does that really merit hanging onto something that is not right for you, something that you spend more time complaining about than enjoying.

When  I left Kermit I heard a lot how proud people where of me, how strong I was, when people said  this I wanted to slap them across the face, you are proud of me for leaving a bad relationship? That left me spending more time unhappy than happy? That’s not something to be proud of that is something that should be common. Why do we have the constant need to settle? The fear of being alone out weights the fear of being with someone who treats you like you are disposable I guess.  I don’t understand peoples need to stay with cheating partners, physical and emotional, I don’t understand peoples need to return to broken relationships just to have the same problems constantly reoccur. You have options, yes, it hurts to break up, go back and read the sixty days I spent crying, in a therapy, and a fucking emotional mess, but I am living without him even when I thought I wouldn’t, I am doing okay, and I left someone who didn’t treat me how I deserve to be treated.

I am not saying that you should leave the relationship after the first time he pisses you off; I am obviously talking about leaving relationships that warrant it.  But it’s the same situation as the career, if you don’t take the first step to the future you want you are left stuck. And I’ll be damned if I am left stuck with a person who has stopped making me happy.

There is more to just leaving the broken relationship, it’s the aftermath that I know I personally struggle with, that I see most people struggle with, it’s the ability to let history repeat itself. Allowing yourself to make the same mistakes and not learn, that is where the settling for the last chair really sets in; with your career or relationship.

I think there needs to be a shift in societal views that time is disposable, especially in your 20’s and you have your 30’s to discover and learn from all the mistakes you’ve made.  Mistakes will be made in your 20’s but it’s the process of learning from them to ensure you have a future that you are taking control of, be it with your career, your relationship, or just life in general. Your 30’s are not your new 20’s, your 20’s dictate a great portion of your future, and it’s a terrifying and liberating feeling to accept that. I don’t know about you but waking up in 30’s and realizing I’m still in the same place I was in my 20’s is the most terrifying idea, that I haven’t grown, that I still feel stuck, that I am inevitably at a bad office job that gives me zero satisfaction. That’s my deep thought for today, on that note, it’s my birthday tomorrow and I am gonna get all wastey pants and celebrate how far I haven’t come in the last 4 years of my 20’s and hope that the lessons I’ve learned from the last year will help me towards a future I want.

Nagging bitches and lazy men

I’ve been horrible lately about posting in here, I used to read peoples blogs and hate when they would say that; I think uhhh I have so much to say I could always write something! Ya, no, it’s not that I’ve been busy, it’s not that I’ve been taken a hold of in a world wind of romance, no, I’ve just been boring and Coupon Queen has fully lost her mind, but I am under strict instruction that I cannot write about that, at least until the whole situation has defused and she isn’t bonkers anymore. You may be waiting a while for that story.

I don’t have boys to complain about, because I’ve stopped obsessing over Melvin, he comes around every now and then; I just don’t care if he comes or goes, wish I could have had this attitude months ago instead of obsessing over every move.

But what I really want to tell you about how in less than 5 hours I will be making my way out to Gibbons, to go to BOONSTOCK! I’ve gone to music festivals before but the difference this time is that I’ve always gone with a group of girls, girls that plan matching outfits, meals, drinks, everything down to what underwear we will be wearing. This year…I am going with Mike and another guy friend…the difference between men and women is unparalleled. I started asking a month ago if we could get things planned out, they told me not to worry, that we would plan it closer to the date. Of course days past, weeks went by, and no one gave a shit that I was in full fledge panic mode because we hadn’t so much as planned what we were going to sleep in, let alone outfits. Let me tell you that up until Monday, my plan was to find a boy, kick him out of his tent, and sleep there, because that was the best idea I could come up with and no one else knew what was going on either!

 

 While over at Melvin’s last week I stated that I was stressed because out of the two other people I was going with, one was at EDC in Vegas and the other was away working, so we hadn’t planned anything. He said, what do you need to plan? Get food and booze and the rest will be fine. That seems to be the general attitude of men, meh it will work itself out, it will be fine, and we’ll figure it out as we go.  As a list lover, female and a planner, I can tell you I do not share that attitude. I need plans and back up plans, and these men had zero sympathy for my needs. Of course, typical male.

Women are by nature I think, naggers, because of our constant need to mother and take of things and people and ensure things turn out perfectly, men let us nag and panic, and they ignore us when we get into that mode, because they’re attitude is, meh it will work out. Think about weddings, women take on average a year to plan one day, in general most men would take a month to plan a wedding, tops, they would call their buddy up, say "hey man, I'm getting married, come get drunk and see me get married! I got the beer, you bring the steaks!" And they wouldn't worry about RSVP's, dresses, alteration, center pieces, nope none of it. Women will spend a year panicking over every detail, nagging to the grooms men about getting their tuxes and men will continue to put it off until they are ready. Women will yell and scream and not understand how he says he is busy so he can't go get his tux but really he is just going fishing and why isn't he worried that we wont have it done in time! Because men are not planners, they don't really think about the time and effort and the deadlines, that's what they have us for. We nag and push and they do it in their own time, and things will be what they will be.

 

 Trust me ladies, I tried with Boonstock to be easy going, to just let it play out, I cannot. Do you know how many fucking lists I’ve made in the last week trying to make up for the fact that the last month I have not made one list pertaining to Boonstock, 11, 11 fucking lists and I still don’t feel like I have enough outfits, or enough of this or I think I forgot that, and I’m still worried that I won’t have any where to plug my curling iron in…but it will work out and hopefully I make it back alive! Pray to Allah for my liver.

 

 

So my point? There probably isn't any use in nagging, in panicking, because it will be what it will be, but maybe men can take a lesson from us too? That maybe a plan before the last minute would help ease the stress just a little.

 

 

I'm failing at this whole contributing member to society thing...yet again

In less than a month I will 24 years old, which is only two years away from my scary age of 26, 26 absolutely terrifies me, I don’t know why but on my 26^th birthday you will find me curled up in the fetal position with wine, crying, I can almost guarantee it. So when you are almost 24 and you spend your Friday night, in bed, living in your parents basement, listening to Bon Iver instead of getting up and going on a date you start to really think to yourself “what am I doing with my life.” When you spend your Saturday night at a nightclub where the average age of every one in attendance is 17, girls scream “OH MY GAAWWDD I LOVE THIS SONG!” and “DO YOU LIKE TOTALLY THINK I’LL NEED ID,, you think “wow...this is what I am doing with my life, fuck.” Then when you spend your Sunday night at Melvin’s house drinking beer and hanging out you think “well...can’t get much worse can it?” And that is my weekend. In a nut shell...and then I reached a new low this morning when my gas light came on and I put ten dollars worth of gas in my tank and I paid with Loonies. Not even strippers who get paid in loonies have so little dignity that they pay in Loonies. But I feel zero shame, because you know where my money went? Boonstock tickets and a bridesmaid dress for Jenna’s wedding. Totally worth it. So when you see me pushing my car home because I have ran out of Loonies and can no longer fill my gas tank this week, know that it is totally worth it.

Grab some balls

We know that I do not claim to be a dating expert, at all, let us just take a look at my past six months of dating history, Mchottie, Aussie, Awkward man, and the last three months of Melvin...ya dating is not my forte. But in attempts to completely remove myself from Melvin, I am giving a new guy a chance. Should I get over him by being alone? Probably, but that’s not working because I have zero will power, so this is my plan b. I met him a couple weeks ago at a party and he seems nice enough, he went through a lot of effort to get my phone number, well he asked a mutual friend, but he still tried, he’s cute, so I’m going to give him a shot.

Things were going well, he sent me a text asking what my plans where for the weekend, I had none, I am poor, so I said that I didn't have any as of yet and what about himself? He had to help his brother yada yada yada, he was free Friday night and asked if I would like to do something. I said yes - that is where I pray that he isn't a big pansy and I see the little ... on the screen indicating he is typing. *Please don't say what would you like to do* and then he says it, "great, what would you like to do..." Fuck off.

 While I am not a dating expert I can tell you my biggest pet peeve with males, well not all males, as I am sure there are still men out there that take charge, but I am seeing a common theme when dating men, they are more than happy to say “what do you want to do.”

Don’t, that is not my job yet, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to come up with some kind of plan, take me somewhere, do something, anything really, pick me up and take our dogs for a walk, pick me up and take me to mini golf, pick me up and do something, but just show some initiative!!! But bless their stupid little heart, if I hear one more guy say, “what would you like to do” I am going to give him what my real answer is...I’d like you to bring me over a bottle of wine, leave it at my front door, leave and leave me alone to drink said wine by myself, and if you happened to bring a double cheese burger with bacon with said wine, I’d be a happy girl. So unless you are okay with that plan, come up with one. It comes with having a penis, you blow me away on the first date, I might just blow you. I’m kidding, I don’t do that on a first date. But really, if there is anything you do when it comes to dating, come up with a plan, show some initiative, girls like that shit.  

Break up lines your friends will tell you and what you really want to say

We’ve all been through a break up, end to a fling, or just an end to imaginary relationship, don’t lie, those imaginary relationships hurt just as much as real ones when they come to an end! No matter what the circumstance, the length of the relationship, or boy who broke your heart, the one thing that remains consistent throughout the breakups is the cliché words of encouragement from your friends. They will try to cheer you up in hopes that you’ll put down the wine bottle, yes bottle, and the tub of chocolate ice cream, and put a smile on your face, usually this is done to no prevail, bless their hearts for trying!

 

When we are two Nicholas Sparks movies into a breakup these are the lines that your friends will tell you and this is really what you want to say to them.

 

You deserve better – clearly, I know this, look at me, I haven’t washed my hair in three days! WHO WOULDN”T WANT THIS! But if I deserve better why is this douche bag leaving me? NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE! ALONE FOREVER! WHERE IS MY WINE BOTTLE!

 

It’s okay he doesn’t understand what he lost- ya that must be it, he lost someone who is drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream, a bottle of wine and crying…I MISS HIM!

 

Don’t worry there are so many guys out there – have you personally counted all the eligible men? Because I have, there is a not that many out there, there is five and I’ve already dated three of them and I think the other two shit their pants on a regular basis. Like literally.

 

It’s okay just be strong – don’t tell me to be strong while you sit over there in your happy relationship, I don’t want to be strong or mature I want him to contract herpes or come running back to me, preferably before he contracts herpes

 

Just give it time – Ya, time is what I need. Time to finish another bottle of wine, how about you make yourself useful and go get me another bottle.

 

If you need anything or just need to talk let me know – anything you say? If you could kindly go shit on his wind shield I’d appreciate that…no you won’t? That’s what I thought. Don’t put the offer out there then

 

You are young, the right one will come along – well..I aint getting any younger ass munch, have you seen my Facebook news feed, bitches be getting knocked up and engaged like Noah built another ark and you have to pair up and repopulate the world. Oh god…that means I am the dinosaur…I am going to become extinct because I can’t find a partner! FOREVER ALONE! WINE? WINE? WHERE ARE YOU!

 

He was an asshole anyway – excuse me…but he is my asshole. Kind of. He left me, but in my mind he’s still mine…remember that one time he said I was pretty, I always loved it when he called me pretty!

 

Its okay his penis was small anyways – ya…that does make me feel a little better. Maybe just keep saying that

 

Maybe you shouldn’t have another glass of wine – don’t judge me, I am trying to get drunk over here and forget my broken heart

Well...isn't that something

So, boss man has been doing some serious layoffs lately, and because I am a hard working individual, some days, I made the cut, I have a job, but you know who didn’t make the cut, the cleaning lady, so that means I have to clean up after gross disgusting toothy and his friends with equally poor hygiene. Let me tell you I am neither Mexican or a struggling surfer, so cleaning toilets is not in my forte, but boss man scares the hell out of me and efforts to keep my job, until I find a new one, I am cleaning like a mother fucker. But that is really what began this whole job search thing, I really have a hard time doing the dishes for grown men who are more than capable of doing their own and an even harder time scrubbing someone else’s shit off a toilet, unless I am getting some kind of sexual favors for it, and my requirement for that to happen is you have to have teeth...so no one here makes the cut, sadly.

But see, this whole situation has thrown a freaking loop into my plan, work here till October, go to Thailand for a month, have a blasty blast in Thailand, come back wiser and cultured and start school in January, cause this bitch is going back to school ya’ll! This is a deadly plan. I am excited about this plan, this plan has taken YEARS to come up with and I came up with this plan all by myself. Note how there is no mention of a boy in that plan, because I am tuning into my inner Beyoncé and becoming an independent women as well as a contributing member to society!

But between the toilet situation and this imminent fear of losing my job  I put out a few resumes and that lead to the job interview yesterday. I was fully expecting to trade one shitty office job for another shitty office job, I have done this interview, I have dazzled the interviewer with my charm and smart and mature answers, I wrote the fucking book on bad office jobs. But then, I went to this interview and was genuinely excited about this position and the company and now I find myself in full panic mode because I have just made a plan and I like my plan, why interviewer did you have to dazzle me with your job opportunity that sounds actually fun and exciting. WHY WHY WHY! But I am not stressing, I don’t know if I have the job yet, I don’t know if I want the job yet, I know that on paper it sounded good. And we know that just because something sounds good on paper doesn’t mean they produce. So I’m not into full panic mode yet, just to keep ya’ll up dated.

By the way, no I have not moved to Texas, I am just one season down in Friday Night Lights and I’ve grown quite fond of saying ya’ll like the people do on the show.

Why I may never grow up to be a contributing member of societty reason # 40

So I have a job interview today, no, I am not becoming a contributing member to society, it’s still an office job, a shitty office job of that I have no doubt, but it’s a higher paying office job, so I’d get paid more to multitask between my shitty office job, day dreaming and writing this blog. It’s almost like I am a paid writer, except my boss doesn’t know he is paying me write blogs some times...my mother would kill me if she read this blog, thank God she hates everything but coupons and is unsupportive.

 

But there is a bigger issue at hand...I just had an epiphany, I will never be a normal, functioning, human being, because I don’t know how to make normal people decisions. This was my thought process this morning when I was getting ready for work:


I can’t wear a skirt to work, boss man will know I have an interview or something, I barely brush my teeth for work let alone show up in anything remotely business professional. Okay, plan, I will wear jeans with a dress top and put on a skirt on my way to said interview. HA! Good problem solving self! I really did feel a little proud of myself for coming up with a solution to said problem.

 

Thought process while driving to work... oh Jesus I forgot to put on underwear this morning! I am in my car already, my underwear is all the way downstairs...maybe I have some in my purse, I usually have underwear in my purse...fuck no underwear in my purse today...damn...I can’t show up to a job interview in a skirt with my sneaper hanging out...well maybe that will help me get the job. No Justine...go get underwear.

 

I run down stairs and my mom yells at me “what the hell you are going to be late for work, why are you back here?”

 

I don’t say anything, I am obviously busy, back off. I run up stairs underwear in hand

 

Is that underwear in your hand? Where did I go wrong with you? Your sisters are normal, what is wrong with you.

 

HA! Mom if you only knew that I seriously debated just not wearing underwear and came all the way back here for it you would actually be proud of me! So  mission accomplished, I have underwear for my skirt. Then I thought about this...I have underwear sitting in my the center console of my car. I plan on changing on my way to said interview, cruise control will obviously help me in this situation.

 

Normal people, with contributing jobs, don’t have underwear in their center console of their car and not realize anything wrong with this until 8 hours later. Normal people would have remembered to put on underwear this morning. I did not.

 

Also secretly when they ask me what my strengths are, because they always, always do in an interview, it is going to take everything in me not to say, problem solving, and multitasking, and when they ask for examples I will refrain myself further from saying “Well sir, I forgot to put on underwear this morning and had a skirt on, so I solved that problem while sitting at a red light and I was able to drive and put said underwear on at the same time. If that isn’t multitasking I really don’t know what is.

 

I feel like that would be an excellent answer, one time in a job interview I told the interviewer that I had experience dealing with difficult people because my mother was going through menopause while three girls lived in the same house and if you can defuse a fight over the bathroom between a women going through hot flashes and a girl getting ready for a date, you could pretty much defuse any situation. I got that job. No word of a lie.