That will be story for the grandkids

Remember when I wasn’t really dating and didn’t have guys to worry about? Remember how nice that was for me and how boring it was for you? Well, in the name blogging I went on a date kind of and it is safe to say that I am ready to crawl back into my hole.

I had met this guy a couple of times partying with friends, I was kind of excited about him, he was nice, fun, and had good taste in music, all good things. Last week he invited me over on the Friday night because he was having some friends over, I went and it was nothing special and drove home pretty early. The next day was beautiful and summer is pretty much over so I decided to take advantage of it and go out to my cabin and I invited him. He agreed but only if we stopped and got a cheese burger to cure his hang over.

We get out to my cabin and he is chatting with my dad, I am not one of those people who hide people from their parents until they know for sure it will work, I have to expose them to that crazy and if they stay then I know it will work. He passed the test, so off we went into the water and my dad left. After some swimming he said he was cold and asked if we could get out. Sure, why not? I think you are being a pussy, but what ever you want love.

 While getting onto the dock he said he didn’t feel good. I have zero sympathy for people who are hung over; I power through the world’s worst hang over’s on a bimonthly basis, power through yours. I say we will go up to the cabin and get some water and he will be fine and I walk away, I get to the stairs and turn around to find him lying on the grass in a very dramatic way and I’ll I can think is come on pal, get your shit together, little did I know that thought was going to come back and bite me in the ass.

I walk over and ask if he okay, “I can’t see and I can’t hear and I don’t feel good.” Check yourself buddy, this is not how you impress a girl, not at all. I explain to him that there is no way in hell that I could get his 6’5 ass up the stairs so he better  regroup and get his ass up the stairs if he was that sick. He agrees and we walk over to the stairs, I march up the stairs to go grab water and I hear THUNK! I look down to see him sprawled on the grass and dirt, oh god really? Are we being dramatic, did we miss the concept of left then right for movement, or are we actually really sick? I don’t know what’s going on at this point so I go down the stairs. I splash some water on him (logical choice right) and say we need to get him up the stairs. He gets up and slowly but surely makes it up the stairs. I’ve decided this date is over so I am going to take him home now to deal with this on his own when he proclaims he has to “poop” and lets out the grossest smelling fart I have ever had the displeasure of smelling, I run away to safety aka inside the cabin. That’s when I hear yet another loud THUNK! Fuck me gently what is going on with this guy! I decided at this point maybe I should take him to the hospital and am actually kind of concerned. Any body who could let out a fart that gross smelling must have something wrong with them. I get him up and he proclaims again his need for the bathroom and rushes in there. He calls my name and I hesitantly reply yes, he says,

“I shit my pants”

No. Just no. This is not okay; no way in hell is this happening to me. I don’t know what to say, for the first time in my life I am left speechless.

“It’s on your deck.” 

It? It as in poop? There is poop on my deck, not your pants. I am so confused and grossed out and why is this happening to me!

Any bad date I’ve ever had, any mean thing that Melvin has done to me, I would pick over this. I don’t do poop, unless it’s in a toilet and you are telling me about it. I don’t touch poop, I don’t like to clean up my dogs poop and those are small, human poop?! NO FUCKING WAY.

I walk outside to see the biggest, steamiest, pile of poop. I am dry heaving and have tears running down my face. WHY ME GOD, WHY!”

I clean it up and I go inside and ask if he’s okay, he is not, he is going to pass out again, I have to go in to the danger zone, I don't have any comrades to help me out, I am there, alone.

This can’t get any worse right? Wrong, it can. There is a naked 6’5 man covered in dirt, poop and now puke, the smell alone was enough to kill a person. This is not how I planned seeing him naked for the first time.  I have to get him out of here; I get him dressed in my dad’s old clothes and rush to the hospital.

I get security to take him in and he is getting admitted. I am sitting there on my phone telling my dad what has happened when I look up and he’s gone. POOF! Vanished, how does a 6'5 man who has shit himself and is covered in puke just vanish? Beats me, but you thought I would have smelled him leaving. You might think this is where I get to get in my car and drive home and reflect on the day, but there is a small problem, I have all his stuff, his shoes, his phone, and lets not forget his bag of clothes covered in poop that is in my car.

I walk up to security to see if I can give him his stuff that are now currently in my possession, and of course they ask for a last name, which by the way I have no idea of, they ask for the first name, and of course I only know his nickname, so I do what any person who just went through a traumatic situation does, freak the fuck out.

“Look, I just went out on a date with this guy and I had to clean up his shit! I just want to give him his stuff and get the hell out of dodge okay.”

The security guard is laughing hysterically, I am less than impressed that he finds this so fucking hilarious. At this point it's not funny to me, it's traumatizing.  “That will be a story for the grandkids!”

No sir it is not, just take his stuff and let me go shower.

I get out and I go home then to a party at Melvin’s house, I don’t care what you say, nothing Melvin has done has been that bad.

Note- the guy was actually really sick, spent the night in the hospital and so I should probably have a heart and feel a little bad for him, because I do and I know how embarrassing it is... but you picked the girl with a blog to go on a date with...sorry, but the world must know.