Break up lines your friends will tell you and what you really want to say

We’ve all been through a break up, end to a fling, or just an end to imaginary relationship, don’t lie, those imaginary relationships hurt just as much as real ones when they come to an end! No matter what the circumstance, the length of the relationship, or boy who broke your heart, the one thing that remains consistent throughout the breakups is the cliché words of encouragement from your friends. They will try to cheer you up in hopes that you’ll put down the wine bottle, yes bottle, and the tub of chocolate ice cream, and put a smile on your face, usually this is done to no prevail, bless their hearts for trying!

 

When we are two Nicholas Sparks movies into a breakup these are the lines that your friends will tell you and this is really what you want to say to them.

 

You deserve better – clearly, I know this, look at me, I haven’t washed my hair in three days! WHO WOULDN”T WANT THIS! But if I deserve better why is this douche bag leaving me? NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE! ALONE FOREVER! WHERE IS MY WINE BOTTLE!

 

It’s okay he doesn’t understand what he lost- ya that must be it, he lost someone who is drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream, a bottle of wine and crying…I MISS HIM!

 

Don’t worry there are so many guys out there – have you personally counted all the eligible men? Because I have, there is a not that many out there, there is five and I’ve already dated three of them and I think the other two shit their pants on a regular basis. Like literally.

 

It’s okay just be strong – don’t tell me to be strong while you sit over there in your happy relationship, I don’t want to be strong or mature I want him to contract herpes or come running back to me, preferably before he contracts herpes

 

Just give it time – Ya, time is what I need. Time to finish another bottle of wine, how about you make yourself useful and go get me another bottle.

 

If you need anything or just need to talk let me know – anything you say? If you could kindly go shit on his wind shield I’d appreciate that…no you won’t? That’s what I thought. Don’t put the offer out there then

 

You are young, the right one will come along – well..I aint getting any younger ass munch, have you seen my Facebook news feed, bitches be getting knocked up and engaged like Noah built another ark and you have to pair up and repopulate the world. Oh god…that means I am the dinosaur…I am going to become extinct because I can’t find a partner! FOREVER ALONE! WINE? WINE? WHERE ARE YOU!

 

He was an asshole anyway – excuse me…but he is my asshole. Kind of. He left me, but in my mind he’s still mine…remember that one time he said I was pretty, I always loved it when he called me pretty!

 

Its okay his penis was small anyways – ya…that does make me feel a little better. Maybe just keep saying that

 

Maybe you shouldn’t have another glass of wine – don’t judge me, I am trying to get drunk over here and forget my broken heart

Day 60...not the end but the start of a new beginning

I’ve been the girl who not only suffers through an unhealthy and demoralizing relationship but then goes back to it in hopes that the time spend apart has inspired him to love me enough to change…or even try. And guess what? It didn’t.

I didn’t go back. I left and with the help of It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, Amy Poehler, Jenna and the rest of my friends, maybe a little wine time to time, and these blog posts, I didn’t go back. I was close, but I didn’t. And I came out the other side of this break up challenge

I was the girl so in love with a person incapable of giving me what I needed out of a relationship that not only did I marry him but I gladly gave away every last shred of my self-esteem to keep him.

I did, I gave up every thing to be with a man who was pushing me away, who no longer wanted me, but didn’t have the balls to let me go. I held on so tight, gave up my  dignity, respect and pride, I gave up myself so that I could be with him. That is not the person I am, but that’s who I was and I don’t ever want to go back to that place.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that-wasted time. Time that could be spent looking for a the person who’s destined to be your perfect match.

It was a waste of time, I realize that now after these 60 days, I wish that he would have just left or let me leave, that he wouldn’t have told me that I didn’t have to go when he wanted me to go. I wish that when he checked out he wouldn’t have left me in the lobby holding all of our bags wondering why he wasn’t helping me carry them and why he was pulling away while I was left standing there, alone. 

But I don’t want to spend my time looking for another person, I want to spend time working on me and if a guy comes along who can handle me, who can understand me than that’s fine with me.

If you’ve reached this point where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks were there. YOU ARE NOT THE KIND OF WOMEN WHO SETTLES FOR BROKEN OR HANGS ONTO DAMAGE GOODS

I can’t tell you the amount of times I repeated that over and over in my head. I was that person but I refuse to be that person any more. This was my favorite line in the whole book. You are worth more than broken or damaged. You don't deserve that.

Unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen.

I don’t believe in perfect matches. I believe in two people with a desire to make their relationship work, that no matter what obstacles come between them, they want to work on it together. Because they are stronger together than they ever would be apart.

At the end of the day, it’s about whether you like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn’t working, to recognize that it wasn’t giving you what you needed and deserved and to pull yourself out of the dumps and seize the opportunity before you. Because as messed up as everything seems right now, this could be the best thing to ever happen to you.

And it has been, in the last sixty days I have discovered a lot about myself and made choices for me more than I ever have before. I have always made choices based on what I thought other people would want, always. There are very few choices I made for myself in my young adult life that I made because I wanted to. That is starting to change, it’s hard, different and terrifying but exciting. I don't know for sure what the future holds for me but I know that for the first time it's my choice.

Life’s biggest reward comes from the biggest challenges

I know that this next year will prove to be more challenging than any before it, because of the fact that I am now making choices for me and allowing myself to put myself first is some thing completely new and different for me.

And finally…

Nothing was easy and sometimes she failed, and sometimes she thought the fairy tale stories where right, that there must indeed be easier ways of living happily ever after; but defeat is a poor ending to any tale, so she kept trying.

There came a point when every thing was broken, my dreams, my relationship, my self respect, my pride, my love. It was broken and there didn’t seem like a way to put it back together. There wasn’t a way to mend all the mistakes I had made, that I was STILL making. There came a point when I was ready to give up, let go of every thing and I only got help because Kermit said I needed it, a choice I made to make him happy, not me. For months I cried, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to see people, I wanted to sit at home. I was broken. But I’ve put myself back together, well, I am starting to put myself back together. And I am doing it for me. And I will make mistakes and I will fail but I will get back up, this time not for a guy, not for my friends, but for me.

So sixty days have come and gone, there have been a lot of challenges, a lot of tears, laughs and smiles and endless hours wondering what will happen next. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I know that it will be filled with mistakes, failure and success. I know that I can make it through any thing and come out on the other side stronger and better. I will have bad dates, failed relationships, and I will have weekends like last weekend where I don’t remember all the things I’ve learned and make mistakes, but they will make me into a better person.

So if you take any thing away from the last sixty days take away that you have a choice, a choice to stay in a relationship that isn’t working or a choice to realize your potential, to realize you deserve more than an unfulfilling, broken life. Not a relationship, because life is made up of relationships, and what I learned from It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, are things that I will carry with me in all my choices not just relationships.

And in the end know that you will be okay, that you will make it out the other side a better person. That you don’t need a man or a women to be happy, that just because a relationship is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s right. Know that relationships are two complete people choosing to share their lives, not two halves to make a whole. So never settle for any thing less than butterflies, never change who you are, because there will be a person out there who runs with you, who doesn’t try to change you, and loves you for all your mistakes, who stands by you, and shows you the respect you deserve

Day 59...The Fury Of The Coupon Queen

So with my flights booked to go see Mathew Mchottie I had to come up with a way to tell my parents, who I currently reside with, that I am going to Toronto and he paid for it, because they know there is no way in hell my broke ass could afford to go to Toronto. Here is the thing, I may be 23 and you may be saying to yourself why does it matter what my mother thinks, it’s your choice, it’s your life, you can do what you want you are an adult. To you I say WRONG! You have obviously never felt the fury of the Coupon Queen and maybe if you have at one point in time you would understand.

One time, she threw a hamburger at my sister. Chucked it, right across the table. Bun, ketchup and mustard, I think there might even have been lettuce on that burger, and it came at my sisters at mach 5 speed, BAM! Right in my sisters face. I don’t remember what my sister did, but I learned a valuable lesson that day…Never piss off my mother when she has food in her hands.

There was also one time my dad came home pissed drunk, she got mad and then he got mad. I imagine there was an exchange of loving and caring  words and she picked up a glass vase and flowers and hurled it at his head. Jeffrey ducked (good for him, because when he gets drunk he only has use of one eye, so that’s just impressive), he came back with “You missed me bitch” but little did he know (at this point in their relationship at least) that Coupon Queen has a mean upper cut. I mean, she could be a UFC fighter. You may be laughing, but this not a laughing matter. And then, BAM! she knocked that man out cold, came in and punched that mother fucker right out. Guess she didn’t miss after all. So that’s what I am dealing with…maybe now you understand.

Any ways, I knew that there would be a hostile response from the Coupon Queen, maybe not so much Jeffrey because I don’t think he would even notice I was gone, but Coupon Queen was not going to be happy about me letting some guy pay for me to come see him. I have never been the type of daughter to say ah fuck my parents, I am a grown up I can do what I want. Never. Some people think what would Jesus do, I think what will coupon queen do if she finds out. That thought is really in the back of my mind at all times, with every decision I make, I think to myself will Coupon Queen kill me if I do this? I really could be a spontaneous person, I want to be and I am right up until I have to tell Coupon Queen. You should see how much I shit my pants when I told her I was going to Mexico for the first time. You would have thought I was telling her I was going to fulfill my life dream of becoming a stripper with the reaction I got.

Kermit used to get mad because often I would omit the truth from Coupon Queen, even if it was just stupid little things, like having to wait an extra day to pay my insurance because I was to broke to pay it till pay day, I would tell her it was paid. I don’t like lying to her, in fact, I hate it, but I just hate the backlash of her fury even more. I also hate hearing “oh for fuck sakes Justine.” When those words come out, I know I’ve fucked up. I hear those words a lot. I also know that she is constantly disappointed in me, that I am constantly letting her down in some way or another. I really am, I mean, I am 23, back at home, didn’t graduate from college, pissed away all my college years, moved to Edmonton with a guy she did not approve of, only to break up with him, and a string of bad office jobs and have really accomplished nothing in my life (unless you count my tap dancing skills).  I am not exacting the poster child for up standing life choices. I remember very few times my mom has been proud of me and I knew that spilling the beans about Mathew Mchottie would be one of those times where I hear “oh for fuck sakes Justine.”

So this morning as I was leaving for work she informed me that March 1, I needed to go on a over night camping trip with my niece for Brownies. Ya, see here’s the thing, my flight leaves at 12 o’clock that day, my flight that is booked and paid for and is non-refundable…ya that one…so unless I can send a blow up doll of myself to this camping trip with twenty, eight year olds, I don’t see me being there. I panicked. I had not had time to plan out how I was going to tell her. This is scary. I enter Justine panic mode where I just say the first thing that comes to my mind…bad choice.  The conversation went as followed…

CQ- “why? Does that not work for you?”

Me- “uuuuhh *looks around, fuck fuck fuck fuck, why am I not a better on the spot thinker* well I may be in Toronto”

CQ- “how? With pennies from heaven?”

Me- “ uuuhhhhh *fuck fuck fuck fuck come on brain give me something…ok really brain…nothing…FUUUCKKK* Derek is paying for me to go”

CQ- “OH FOR FUCK SAKES JUSTINE are you kidding me?!”

And there it was…disappointment. I didn’t stick around to hear any more. I ran out the door claiming I would be late for work. This will be interesting…to say the least.

But here is the thing, it is my choice to go. I have weighed the pros and cons, I have told myself every thing and gone back and forth, I know I really don’t know this man that well and the last time I saw him was in Mexico, and that was right before I started dating Kermit. So yes, I understand all the risks involved in that. It is like the ultimate blind date. I’ve pounder and put it off for a couple of months.  But here is the thing, I have never ever accepted gifts from guys, I have never dated guys who gave me extravagant gifts, when my girlfriends where going on romantic trips away, I was sitting at home with pizza and watching my boyfriend play video games, last year for Valentines day, I got a link to a youtube video for a song I liked at the time. Don’t laugh that actually happened. So fuck it. I am going, because I am single, I am young, and I was going to try to refrain from saying YOLO but fuck it, YOLO! I am going to go, I am going to have fun and you know what…if it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake I made and Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she said, your 20’s are for your mistakes.  It is a free trip, a trip where I get to see my two best friends, be in a city that I love and come home. So besides the obvious risks of him potentially being a serial killer and going all Ted Bundy on me, I say why not. 

Day 58...What's wrong with on-line dating? Let me tell you.

I am done with on-line dating. Mostly because after the events of this weekend it is apparent that I am not ready to date and my emotional baggage is not being dealt with in a healthy way. Except for Mathew Mchottie, because well, he has my flights booked to Toronto at the end of the month. Continue to judge all you want. But I want to talk to you about on-line dating, not my life choices. I am going to be brutally honest and you can all call me a bitch later but deep down you know I am right.

This may get a little complicated but try to stay with me.

In real life people are on scales. It’s a hot/smart/funny scale, meaning you can be 10 out of 10 on the hot scale, but if you are dumb as fuck, uninteresting and just plain boring and you are a 2 out of 10 on the smart scale, but lets say you are funny, you can tell some mean one liners and are a 5 out of 10 on the funny scale, you are no longer a 10 out of 10 because you are hot. You take the average of the three and that’s what you actually are.

Now when you are dating, you tend to date within a couple points of your average. It’s a fact, you never see a smart, sexy, hot guy with a girl who is ugly and dumb (although money can some times play a role in affecting this scale). People generally have some kind of self awareness as where they sit on this scale and so they tend to hit on, date, flirt, and sleep with people on the same level as them. It makes sense right? You never see a 8 with a 2, it’s usually a 4 with a 6, or a 7 with an 8…you get the picture?

The problem with on-line dating is that this scale is thrown out the window and can create some huge problems.  This scale makes sense and it works and gives some kind of cushion for being rejected. I would never walk up to Clooney and start flirting with him; he is out of my range. I mean, I am pretty funny and I am pretty (okay, when I put make up on) but I am not on his level of sexiness.

In the world of on-line dating, people have this sense of bravery when they hide behind a computer screen. Hey, what harm can it do, I’ll send a quick Hi and see what I get back. Because of this false confidence dating sites make you put up pictures to give you some kind of idea so you know not to reply and you can read the little write up to see if they are complete idiots. Another rule I have is there is 420 in the user name, I delete, I don’t even read because I already know what it will say. But I mean these sites make it so you can get a general idea, you can’t get the full picture but you get an idea, hence the long drawn out process of chatting back and forth, maybe a phone call then the actual date, and the fact that you have to sort through a million men to find one who isn’t a loser.

Also, as a general rule for pictures guys tend to look better, girls tend to look worse or the same as pictures.  Generally, girls never look better. We understand camera angles that make us look hot.

On occasion you can get messages and they don’t have pictures, I generally don’t reply because no pictures means either

a)      They have a girlfriend

b)      They are ugly

Either way I don’t want to reply to either of those guys. Unless you count that guy with the girlfriend from Friday because I would let him take me on a date just to spite his girlfriend who I hate.

But I made an acceptation to the rule when I read this message and the guy was funny, a little witty, seemed generally interesting, and okay.

So we talk for a couple days and I am interested in this guy (in a you don’t seem to bad for being on a dating website kind of way), it doesn’t help that in my head I am picturing this Ian Somerhalder, Johnny Depp, tortured soul with this dark mysterious side. Seriously, doesn’t that sound magical? In my head he is sexy, so I ask for a picture and pray for the best. Please, please, please have eyes like Ian and the personality of Johnny and the abs of Channing. Please say there wasn’t pictures because you are just too damn sexy they made you take them down. Yes, people, I understand the odds of this happening are .03% but I am a believer.

 I did not even know what to do. He was probably 350 pounds, glasses, greasy, man. At this point you probably think I am a huge bitch, but seriously, let me refer you back to the dating scale, I am a 6 or a 7, he was a 2. I put pictures on my profile, good and bad pictures, so you know what you are getting, on my good and my bad days. He could see what I looked liked. He knew what he was getting. I got Chris Farley with out the funny personality, because I could have at least friend zoned this guy if that was the case. The picture of my Ian, Johnny, Channing mix suddenly turns into this man and all I can think of is fat guy little jacket. Seriously, I almost sent that clip from Tommy Boy and left it at that. But I didn’t; because I am not a heartless bitch.

So even though, I can be a bitch, I am usually only a bitch when I need to be or you’ve pissed me off; this guy had done neither, so I was trying to be nice. I simple said to him that I was casually dating another guy and things where starting to get more serious and I wanted to see where it would go.

That is the politest way I’ve ever let some one down. I feel like that was super awesome of me. I could have told him that he was too ugly for me to be seen in public with, but that would have been mean.

This man went off the deep end crazy! Saying that he didn’t care if I was dating some one else, I needed to continue to talk to him because he enjoyed talking to me. Uhh, you are not Christian Grey, you can not talk to me like that. I have never been good with being told what to do. Maybe in bed but even then in the back of my mind, I am saying don’t tell me what to do. So I still tried to be nice, saying that I was not comfortable with that but I would contact him if things didn’t work. Again, I am obviously giving you the brush off; I am trying to be nice. Take it and go.

He then flew off the fucking handle. He told me that I was only saying this because of how he looked. At this point I had never mentioned any thing about looks. I didn’t say any thing about the pictures he sent. Not a damn fucking thing, so now I am a little angry. I tried to be nice jackass now you are just being rude. So in the nicest way possible I said, that he did seem different than most guys I’ve date, but I enjoyed talking to him, and (again) I would let him know if things did not pan out with my imaginary serious relationship. Seriously I should get an award at this point for being so nice. Okay, maybe not, but it was pretty damn nice for me.

HE CAME BACK FOR MORE! How did this man just not pick up his dignity and move on? He then asked what kind of guys I usually date, I said guys I find hot. Maybe not the best answer, but that’s generally how I pick my boyfriends. He then asked me how that worked out for me; are you kidding me? Well, fuck you too, asshole. So I did what any sane person would do. I said that for the most part it worked. Which is kind of true.; but let’s be honest here, I have a man flying me across Canada, a man who has the body of Matthew Mcconaughey, I am not going on a date with Chris Farley. I don’t even care how that makes me sound…it’s true.

 I really thought that would be the end of this crazy man sadly it wasn’t. I didn’t leave any openings for him to continue the conversation but that didn’t stop him, nope this man is relentless. Obviously, I pissed him off, and he was going to shell out his years of rejection on me.

He told me the only thing I have going for me is nice hair. Umm, Mr. I am so fucking full of myself for no apparent reason, what do you have going for you? And my hair is nice thank you; it is also hella expensive, thanks for noticing jackass. Apparently I am also a self centered, egotistical, materialistic bitch just to let you know. Crazy because twenty minutes ago you wouldn’t let me nicely stop talking to you. Go figure.

So thus concludes my month of on-line dating. I am going back to the real world of dating where you can judge people in silence and use the hot/smart/funny scale. If you want my honest opinion, this is what’s wrong with the world we date in. False confidence behind a computer screen, fine for blogging, bad for dating; if you want to ask some one on a date, grab some real life balls and approach her when you are half corked like a normal person. 

Day 57...It's Girl Logic.

I want to explain some thing to all the women out there, to the women who are crying over men while eating some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream because the guy you like just isn’t that into you and you keep acting a damn fool. We are going to talk about Girl Logic. It’s a theory I have, and a damn good one.

I made out with Skippers roommate Friday night, why? Not because I think his roommate is an awesome guy, on the contrary, I think he was kind of a douche bag. On any other night I would have ruthlessly made fun of this man.  So why did I do it? Because I didn’t think Skipper liked me, well I know he didn’t like me. He didn’t call me, he didn’t really ask me to hang out again, and I saw him with another girl, multiple times. It was obvious he liked this other Mulan looking chick. Lord only knows why, I couldn’t find any reason to like her, both times we awkward sat around drinking at the same table. Hell even her friend said I was better than her.  So why would making out with his roommate make him like me? It wouldn’t. In fact, it only makes me look worse. But at the time it seemed like a good idea. Girl Logic.

This is this Girl Logic

Boy I like/Girl Logic = WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING STUPID SHIT

You are probably thinking wow Justine, that’s horrible I would never do that, I am a classy broad and you are a mess, I am a dating expert and never do stupid things around guys. To you I say, fuck you, you are lying to yourself. You do it. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you are no better than me, because it’s not our fault, it is Girl Logic. It can’t be helped.

Every single girl I know does it. Boyfriend is pissing you off, you go have drinks with your girlfriends, do your hair and make up and go to the bar to “dance” aka get hit on by guys. You may not kiss another guy but you flirt, you touch their arm and laugh at their bad jokes, you bat your eye lashes and make sure your cleavage is bringing in attention. You like a guy and you know he is going some where, you go, and you make sure you look damn good, even if he didn’t invite you? Why? Because that is Girl Logic. Girl Logic causes women to do crazy things and we can justify all of our actions when Girl Logic is blocking your normal logic.

It’s what we do as women and I have named it Girl Logic. You welcome, now you have a name for all your dumb choices and you can blame Girl Logic instead of yourself. So next time your friends are judging you for a bad choice you made about a guy, you can say it wasn't your fault and that Girl Logic allowed you to do it.

We have a delusional sense that another man can fix the problems that we are having with a current man. Generally it never does, even just the harmless flirting, because even though you are getting attention from a random guy at the bar to make up for the lack of attention you are getting at home, you are still not getting the attention at home. But as women, we think that it will help and we continue to reason with ourselves that it will.  We lose all sense of normal human being logic and enter into Girl Logic. It is a time when good decisions are thrown out the window and you act in a way that normally, if you didn’t like a guy, you wouldn’t act.

Girl Logic is escalated after a break up, during wedding planning and when you really have feelings for a guy. This is peak time when you shouldn't be trusted to make your own choices, but we do, regardless of what our friends tell us. It’s the ability to justify almost all bad choices.  It is usually enhanced by alcohol and can cause you to  send an extra text message, call him at 3 in the morning to see how he is doing, and “casually” run into him while wearing your favorite jeans that make you have an ass like you are god damn Beyonce. Girl Logic is a bitch.

But here is my problem, Girl Logic, can’t be helped, it’s like PMS, but men categorize it as "crazy." Women are not crazy, we all know women who are "crazy" but if they were crazy they would be locked up, they are going through Girl Logic. They are probably normal human beings who make average life choices when their brain isn't being blocked by Girl Logic.

 I wish we could turn off Girl Logic because that would only be to easy, girls would get every guy they ever wanted (as long as they were in the same dating scale). As girls, we know how to play the dating game, we know what we should and shouldn’t do, we’ve read the books, we’ve given the advice, but it blocks something in our brains and makes us act like fucking idiots, like making out with Skipper roommate. That was not me, that was Girl Logic.

Day 54,55,56...I left my dignity in the first wine bottle

I don’t even want to begin to tell you about my weekend. I’ve still yet to find my dignity. I left it in my first bottle of wine. So instead I will tell you the lessons of Friday night.

1.      . Skipper will probably never talk to me again. That’s fine. At this point I don’t care, he can go for the girl who only has one shirt and a jean jacket and wears her hair on top of her head likes she is the white version of Mulan. I am sure she is a rad chick. It’s okay that you told me she is horrible in bed and I am amazing, I am sure you will be happy in your relationship
2. Skipper’s roommate, not as good of a kisser as Skipper and definitely not as charming. Don’t judge me. We only kissed.
3. It’s ok to let Skipper’s best friend hit on you all night (different guy than roommate). You can never hear how beautiful you are to many times, although I am sure at that point in the night I wasn’t beautiful
4. It is not okay to cry to Skipper in his kitchen about your ex…ya that is definitely not ok. Especially when it was his roommate that brought you back to his house
5. It is always alright to flirt with a guy with a girlfriend, as long as you hated his girlfriend in high school and it’s even more okay if you hated her friends even more. But he seemed super happy in his commit relationship with her, funny he didn’t mention her once when he asked me on a date for tonight. Don’t worry I am not going on a date with this man. Although I do appreciated his witty banter and use of sarcasm
6. It’s even more okay to let said guy grab your ass and pretend not to notice.
7.  It is not okay to let Kermit pick you up at 6 in the morning and go back to his house and sleep there till 5 in the afternoon the next day.  

There you have it. I told you I lost my dignity. Don’t judge me. Okay fine, I am even judging me at this point. 

Day 47...Daddy Issues

Here is the thing; I never like guys who like me. Right now there are guys asking to take me out on dates, to hang out, to fly me all the way across the country, so I know I can play the dating games, that I can be normal, that my awesomeness can translate across to the opposite sex but the thing is, as soon as I think you don’t like me, all sense of normal is out the window. I can’t stand when I guy I like doesn’t like me and I lose all good judgment in dating protocol and make an ass out of myself.  These guys that actually show interest in me are all awesome guys, they are funny, smart make me laugh, probably better picks then any guy I’ve picked since breaking up with Kermit, but they bore me. They are predictable, stable, understanding, and normal. That is not what I am drawn to. I pick assholes, guys who are emotionally unavailable, who have zero interest in dating; one of them still had a girlfriend. Those are the guys I like.

I will pick these guys and obsess over every detail and conversation. I will drunk dial them at 2 in the morning (may have drunk dialed SSM Friday night because I am an emotional cutter), I will say things to make it awkward, I will do weird things. I am just generally awkward when I like you.  It’s like I never got over that awkward 13 year old dating phase. I reply to every text in way to much detail, I become clingy and maybe even borderline needy, I throw my life out the window to bend to yours, can be talked into any thing and basically every dating rule I told you to follow, I don’t .

I mean, I can do these rules, but only when I think that you like me, in some way or another otherwise I can’t. When I was sure Skipper liked me, I had no problem saying I didn’t want to hang out, that I had my own shit to do and I didn’t care if he texted me or not, now I care, now I wonder what I did wrong (obviously, I know, the signs are all there).

When I was out for dinner with Jenna last night, I told her about my theory, about how I only like guys who don’t like me. She said she didn’t date like that at all, if a guy didn’t show interest, his loss, and she wouldn’t care. Most of my friends are like this, except for me, Dana and my other friend Jimmy.

The thing is it kind of sounds like a daddy issue does it not? Begging for guys to love of when they don’t, that has daddy issue written all over it. Except the fact of the matter is, all three of us have parents that are still happily married, dads that loved us and would do any thing for us if they needed to and all of us have had perfectly normal up bringing. The other thing we all share in common is a younger brother, who is gifted in some way. Dana’s brother, Mike, is exceptionally smart (just like her dad), Jimmy’s brother is a pro soccer player in Europe (just like her dad was), and my brother is smart and gifted when it comes to things my dad is passionate about, hunting, fishing, wildlife etc.

I mean, it could really have nothing to do with it; it could just be that all three of us girls are fucked in the head, but I think it’s a little weird, that all three of us share the same dating pattern, and all three of us come from similar family dynamics. I believe I just Dr.Philled that shit and it’s amazing I still work on this office job. 

Day 37: Recap of the break up

I’ve been so wrapped up in my life that I forgot to noticed that I have been single for over a month, so in honor I am going to recap the last month of my break up from Kermit. If you read my blog every day than you will pretty much know every thing and you can just chime in tomorrow. So here is my month recap

We break up, I am a sad panda. I read It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, and so begins my sixty day journey. You should always listen to this book, even if you think that the book is stupid and you can make up your own rules to breaking up. You can’t, it always ends up this way, some people can just sever ties a week after the break up, some people 2 months, some people a year, but it has to happen in order for you to move on. They are part of your past, let yourself have happy and healthier future sooner and cut ties.

Anyways, you aren’t suppose to talk to him (or her) for sixty days, I lasted a week and caved, obviously at this point I was still delusional that he was an okay human being, when in fact he is not.  I have so many questions as to where and why things went wrong, why he wasn’t willing to make an effort (we now know it’s because he is a lazy piece of shit) but those questions remain unanswered and always will and I am okay with that at this point, mostly because I can look back and think about Jenna putting cereal in his bed and I laugh. Kermit and I have break up sex some where in there. He was actually not half bad but I may have been delusional and side tracked thinking this meant he actually loved me and wanted to sweep me off my feet and make it all up to me, turns out he was just horny and still a douche bag. Kermit’s grandma passes away and it’s sad and the beginning of the longest morning period for a grandparent ever starts,  you would have thought she was Mother Teresa, thus begins my annoyance and the slow separation of my love for marriage and my love for him. (I know that makes me sound bitchy, but you can go back and read the post about it and you will agree with me). Christmas happens in there too, my dad smoked a joint on Christmas, coupon queen got mad, my sister organized games for Christmas morning, I shopped a lot, and Abby and Jade come for a visit and I realize the lack of suitable men to date.

Then, I meet a guy on New Years, now known as SSM. His face is meh and he may have had a girlfriend but you will be to busy looking at his stomach to even notice his face and I don’t know what his girlfriend did but she was dumb not to keep that penis on lock down. You find a penis like that and you don’t let it go.  You will also be distracted by his huge penis, seriously, I have a picture, I wont post it (even though I want to), but you know how to get a hold of me if you need some cheering up. On that note, no one should ever send me a picture of their genitals because when ever any one is having a bad day, I just send them the picture of SSM penis. You’d be surprised how much it actually cheers people up. I am always giving.  Any ways, I may have projected my feelings for Kermit onto SSM, may have scared him away, but not before we had sexual relations. Mind. Blown. Huge wake up call that I just spent the last two and half years having poor to mediocre sex with Kermit when I could have been having good to mind blowing sex.

At this point Kermit and I have moved on, had a talk, no longer trying to work things out and just going to be friends. I am a happy camper. Until I decide that I can have a couple drinks with some friends on a Friday night. I hadn’t had a drink through out our whole break up. Which I highly recommend because you make poor choices when you are drunk, at least I do. So I drunk dial Kermit and ask him why he hurt me so much. He hangs up the phone, I continue my quest to find answers the next day, and thus leads to the fight that ended our “friendship” and lead us to know where we are not on talking terms.

That is it. All wrapped up in four paragraphs. It seems so simple, break up, cry, go back, cry, rebound sex, fight to end friendship, break up finalized. All in thirty sum days, I have made huge changes, I have a sense of relief that I know longer have to make some one else happy before I am happy. I can chase my own dreams, I can do things for me, I can focus on me, I don’t need to cover up my feelings with drugs and alcohol, and I can just be happy, move on in a healthy way. I can look back and say it was for the best, I can look back and say, at this point I wish the best for Kermit, but I hope the best is a bad case of crabs and ending up in living in a trailer with a wife named Gertrude, who is 300 pounds and used to have a penis. But I am happy. I made myself happy, I didn’t need him, and while I can’t say I have moved on completely and am ready to date, if there is any suitable men out there, I am ready to let go of him and have hot sex.  So that’s it, I am half way there and feel amazing about it, I can let go of every thing, start the next process and focus on me… This is my last time I am going to end my post like this because he isn’t who I am writing to any more, I am writing for me, I am living for me and it feels good. So on that note

Love your ex girlfriend. 

Day 34: 12 Things I Learned in 2012

2012 was a year for huge changes and only Fifteen days late I am going to reflect on twelve life lessons I learned this year.

  Never lose yourself in a relationship – 

if it’s one thing I learned from Kermit it’s that I will never put some ones hopes and dreams above mine.  I will support you but if it means holding myself back and giving up a part of me I will leave. I will put myself above all else

Relationships and people change and you need to let them go 

people come into you’re a life for a reason and all that jazz. I can tell you that this year has brought me closer to certain people, people I want in my life forever, people who love and care for me and have become a part of me. Some of those people are a million miles away, and some our ten minutes away from me. At the same time I let go of a lot of toxic relationships this year. I don’t deal well with change but I am learning to let go and let the past be the past

Failing is a part of life 

from a failed event to relationships, I had a lot of failures last year but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try again. It means you have to learn from your mistakes and keep trying

 It’s okay to ask for help 

 I hate asking for help, hate it. I should be able to deal with every thing and any thing but the truth is you can’t and asking for help doesn't mean you've failed it just means you need help

Give people a second chance 

 People make mistakes, it happens, give them a chance to make amends but I’ll be damned if you screw me over more than twice

 Take time for yourself 

The thing with Kermit is I was usually putting his needs first and mine second. I never took time for things I wanted to do and it’s probably what I regret most. I went from being an independent women to some one who was needy and just wanted to make her boyfriend happy. Yuck. I hate those people. I became one of those people. Some one should have hit me.

 Communication is key 

from my job to friendships one of the biggest things I took away from 2012 is that a conversation can save a job, relationship, or friendship. There were points were I wish I would have communicated with people about how I felt and there were times when I did and it didn’t make a difference and times when it did. Either way you need to voice how you feel, people can’t read minds. Also you have to do it effectively. Telling some one “you are a fucking lunatic” is not healthy communication. Although some times it’s needed

Pay your bills first then party 

 I am still working on this but wine is just so good. It’s some thing my dad has told me for most of my adult life, for some reason I never listened. I would get paid on Friday, spend my money partying then not have enough money for gas to get to work. Don’t do that. Unless you don’t mind hooking for gas money. Then by all means, party away you crazy hooker.

 Don’t make excuses for people  

I have this annoying quality where I believe the best in the people I care about. I just want every one I love to get along and sing and dance and hold hands. Usually it bites me in the ass, because some people are shitty people and I choose to ignore that. I let them take advantage of me, walk all over me, put myself second. Well 2013 I am not doing that this year. I will not make excuses for people being awful people.

It’s OK to cry 

The coupon queen is a tough lady. I have so much respect for every thing she has been through in her life. She has had a hard life and in a way its made her hard. I never felt like I could cry in front of her or any one. I would keep it in and not let any one know I was hurt. You can’t do that. It’s okay to cry some times but you also have to know when to pull up your big girl panties and get the fuck over it cause no body likes a whiny little bitch.

 Your family is there for you know matter what 

 I hands down have the best family and moving away from them showed me just how much I value them and their crazy antics. From tap dancing with my sister to working out with my dad to crying in front of my mom, my family is my rock. That includes my close friends, who I know I can lean on no matter what. I’d like to think I have 5 sisters, two brothers and a mom and dad. But I don’t think some of them are actually crazy enough to be part of my family.

Don’t over trust that fart 

 I’m not going to explain this one…I think you get what I am saying 

Day 31: Self Love

It’s not a secret I love blogs. Not just mine but I love reading other peoples blogs about their lives. In a way it gives me a sense of security in knowing I am not the only one who is lost, confused, broken, emotion, bitter, basically a whole array of emotions. Generally it is women who write blogs and some father who recently came out of the closet that wrote that blog post that has gone viral, I believe it was called 16 ways I blew my marriage (hint, you like men, that would probably be the first thing that blew your marriage), but any ways, it is generally women who write blogs. I feel like women write blogs because it’s a way to get all of our feelings out, it’s a way to sit down and vent about a shitty boyfriend, boss, husband, customer, basically any thing and I will say writing this blog has helped me a lot. What started off as a fun way to vent about my life has turned into some thing almost therapeutic (weird because I am still paying my therapist to see me twice a week). It doesn’t matter that know one really reads what I write or laughs as hard as I do, it’s more about the fact I can get it off my chest so I don’t run some one over, up side to that, my therapy would probably be free, down side, I’d probably spend my time out of therapy in a jail cell or a straight jacket.

The one thing I’ve noticed in most of my blog reading is there is a common theme between all women. Women generally lack of “self love”… and love wine! As women, we are programmed to judge and compare ourselves to every thing else. I am not talking about comparing our bodies to other women in magazines or really the way society wants us to be. I think as grown women we get that not every one is going to be a size 2 with DD boobs. I am talking about judging and comparing ourselves to … I guess… an idea of how we want to be. I know that personally it is my greatest cause of anxiety, I want all these things, I want to be all these things, I have zero desire to be Meagan Fox, but I have a desire to meet my own expectations of myself and some times…okay often…I don’t. I’ll give you a few examples

·         Career – I thought by now I would have a great career, where I had financial freedom, a feeling of self worth, that I was contributing to the world and had value

·         Love -  This is the biggest one for me. I never wanted to get married, I thought marriage was a waste of time. Until Kermit. If you were to rewind to 8 months ago, I would have told you without a shred of doubt, that there would be a ring on my finger today and I would be planning the wedding of my dreams (or recent dreams). We all know I am single now and we all know my opinion on available men.

·         My mental health – This is another good one. Oh life you are a tricky bitch.  You know when your life all of a sudden falls apart in all aspects? Well, apparently that’s a good time for your doctor to say to you “I think we need to hospitalize you for depression and anxiety ‘cause bitch you be crazy” and you are sitting there like “uuuhh dude, no. Not unless they have wine Wednesday there.”  Well, that’s what my doctor said to me. I convinced her not to send away and that I was just having a rough couple months. But it made realize that my mental state was not where I thought it was. That it wasn’t okay to feel the amount of anxiety that I do.

Those are the three top things I have not met my own set expectations. When I was 18, if some one would have said to me, at 23 you will be living in your parents basement, single, one class away from graduating college, working at an office job that you like, but are no where near close to figuring out a solid career, and have anxiety attacks on a weekly basis I would have probably made a sarcastic comment back and walked away. But that’s where I am at.

And you know what…I am not the only one. Most blogs are about letting themselves down in some way and the effort to come to terms with that. Look at mommy blogs, life blogs, this blog. These blogs all at some point, deal with the feeling of not meeting self expectations. I’d like to go on and write that I have some magical cure for us all. But I don’t. But I am going to try some thing. I am going to try to be okay with not meeting my self expectations. I am going to figure out how to reach my own expectations and a game plan on how to reach them. It might not do any thing or it might do some thing.  I don’t really know, I just know that there has to be some kind of happy medium where I am not constantly letting myself down.

Love your ex girlfriend who will meet her own expectations

Day 28: Letting go

Day 28:

I obviously skipped a few days, I mean, I have been busy. Getting over Kermit. And guess what! I think I am, I mean I still love him, but I don’t want him to get hit by a car, or contract herpes. I want to be friends and wish him the best on his way. I still have this feeling some times that I lost. I couldn’t make him love me the way I needed. I couldn’t make him fight for me, I couldn’t make him want to work things out. It’s mostly a feeling of not being good enough but I try to remind myself that it was him who wasn’t what I needed and I was good enough. That works some times.

But I don’t want to be with him any more. I miss him, but mostly because we were best friends, and I miss that friendship. But I don’t miss being in a relationship with him. I don’t know when or how this happened. Maybe New Years? I woke up and was ready to let go. To say that we couldn’t work things out and I will be the one to let go so that we both can move on.  

 But, I also have these feeling of impending doom. Do you know how many good, potential, guys I’ve met since being single? None. Not a damn one.

Your ex-girlfriend, who just wants you to be happy

Day Ten: break up sex is the best

There is some thing about break up sex that makes sex even better. I broke every rule last night. I was out with my friend Matt who is also going through a break up and he said something to me that made my heart melt, he said that there isn’t a future he pictured that didn’t involve his ex girlfriend, he knows he didn’t treat her like she deserved and he wanted to fix it, he wanted to love her. I thought about what he said, when I picture my future there isn’t one where I can’t see him, so I went over to where we used to live. I could tell he was nervous, maybe because he thought I was there to slash his tires or put cereal in his bed again, but he was nervous and well one thing lead to another and break up sex happened. I know the book would come and hit me on the head because I am taking so many steps backwards but the thing is I just want him. Part of me thinks some times you have to lay every thing on the line so you don’t look back and say “if I only would…” I mean not always because there are relationships that are better to walk away from but I couldn’t walk away from him knowing that I love him as much as I do. So I left my dignity and self respect at the bar and drove my ass to his house.

Seeing him made my heart melt.  I felt happy, it might have just been the hormones or amazing sex but lying in his arms after was the happiest I’ve felt in so long. I didn’t think about him lying to me or if he loved me, I didn’t think about any thing except for us lying together and how happy it made me and how happy he looked and how he is what I want more then anything. But then reality sunk in, it is now more complicated then before. He talked about how much I love him and how he screwed every thing up, which he did, but there are two people in a relationship and I made mistakes too, but his showed me so much disrespect and pain and I gave him a chance to fix it and he didn’t care until it was to late.

So now I am left wondering do I give him anther chance to fix it? Has he learned from his mistakes? Is it stupid to think people have changed? My therapist says I need to let go of the should of, could of, what ifs and just let it be and it will work itself out and I will be okay. To my therapist I said make my decisions for me because this is obviously to hard for me and Taylor Swift has yet to right a song about this so I don’t know what to do!

I seriously blame societies up bringing of girls. Women are lead to believe they will find this great love, some thing tragic will happen, the man will realize what he lost and come after the women and they will live happily ever after. Seriously think about it, Beauty and the Beast (that crazy beast locked away her father, pretty ruthless), The Notebook (blow out of a fight, not talking for years, her showing up at his house before her own wedding), A Walk to Remember (he was a douche who almost killed some one, she changed him and he fell in love with her), Ten Things I Hate About You (the only thing I remember about this movie is the line “I hate your stupid combat boots” but I think it had some thing to do with love and a man fucking up), all these stories in some form or another have a man breaking the heart of a women and him doing some thing grand to get her back, to let her know he loves her and that he is sorry. All these tragic events happen at different points in a love story but they have the common theme that women all forgive and take back the man. Name one story where the women fucks up and the man takes her back? It doesn’t happen, not in real life and not in love stories. He usually finds some women near the end who was helping him to get over the break up. And that my lady friends is why women suck at break ups. We hold onto the idea that there will be some grand gesture of love and we take them back to have our happily ever after. Men take note that if you want a women back you need a huge plan to show your love and how much you’ve changed or how sorry you are for what ever reason she left your sorry ass. If you want her don’t sleep with another women, don’t sit around getting drunk, or feeling sorry for yourself, plot a way to get her back. She will probably fall for it,  I did and he didn’t even try that hard.

Last night I kind of got my grand gesture, I mean there wasn’t flowers, or a ring, or a outpouring of love poems and he certainly didn’t build my dream house like Noah did in the Notebook but this is real life and I should probably lower my expectations. He cried though, I could tell he knew how badly he fucked up, I could tell he missed me, I could see that he loves me in his eyes, at least I think I could, that or I was so blinded for my want to see those things that I made them up in my head and he just wanted the fuck and then for me to leave. I mean, for him, who has been about as romantic as a Homer Simpson for the last six months it was a big deal for him to make me feel that loved, for him to be honest with his feelings. It meant a lot to me. He means a lot to me.

I am giving him space, I am going to continue to work on myself and we still aren’t together. I need him to know if he can be what I need and what I need is some one who supports me, understands me, listens to me, respects me and above all else loves me beyond compare. We are now stuck in this limbo and I told him to call me when he figures out if he can be those things…an hour an a half later he texted me about your fish… “Sir. Winston the second died” so I am going to guess that means that’s another metaphor for our relationship, or that he was dumb ass and forgot to feed his fish.

I am not holding my breath that I’ll get what I want in the end, which is him and for us to both want to fix this relationship, not just me. But I promised myself I wouldn’t sit around and wait for him. I will continue to move on with my life  and work on myself and if he wants me he going to have to chance me down, prove his love and put some god damn effort into this relationship and show me what he wants. So that’s where I am at today. If you are taking break up advice from me, now would be a good time to stop

Love your ex girlfriend who broke every rule in this dam book last night

Day Eight: Goodbye dignity and self respect

I suck. I had to phone him to get information for this letter to the government and I knew that calling him would be easier because then I could just hang up. Ask my question hang up the phone and I wouldn’t be able to ask him all the questions I want answers too. Plus if I am being honest, I wanted to hear his voice, to hear if he missed me, for him to tell me he loves me and he is sorry. But he didn’t answer then he texted me. Then he called me PJ and the water works came out. That’s what he called me, it was never Justine, it was PJ. I miss that the most and he knows it. He has to know it; he has to know that it is my favorite memory, my favorite thing in the world. It reminds me of how happy we were, of every good memory we had together and how much I love him, and god do I love him.

After that the text message gates where open, I couldn’t hold back, THIS IS WHY I PHONED so I could ask my damn question and hang up this phone and still be left with hope that he will run to me and tell me he loves me. But he texted me and I asked the one thing I needed to know more then all my other questions…what do you want? His answer…he didn’t know and to be fair neither do I. I want him to know what he wants though, that’s what got us into this mess. I’d like him to know that he loves me beyond compare and he wants me and he will do every thing in his power to not hurt me again. But that wasn’t his answer and I have to be okay with the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants and for the first time since us breaking up any hope I had is gone. I don’t know is not an acceptable answer at this point. Either you love me and you want to work past this or you don’t. So this is the first time I know…he doesn’t want me, he still isn’t willing to fight, and maybe he loves me but not enough to know if this relationship can be fixed and that just isn’t enough.

He told me he missed me and you know what my first though was? You didn’t miss me until Dana stopped talking to you so do you miss me or do you miss having some one there and you are just lonely? I would go with the lonely aspect because he wouldn’t have let me get to the point of leaving if he truly wanted me. Part of me doesn’t even believe that they have stopped talking. If they were there isn’t a lot I could do…I mean besides turn into a crazy ex-girlfriend and slash tires.

I do know that there is a part of me that is so hurt (duh it’s all I talk about) but there is a bigger part of me that wants him. He’s all I’ve ever wanted since he came into my life and made fun of my hair when I met him two and a half years ago. But he doesn’t want me the same way. Knowing you love some one who doesn’t love you back is the hardest part. The feeling that you gave every thing, you have nothing left to give, not to your friends, to the next person, you have nothing left emotionally to offer, you are just drained, that feeling is horrible.

I am getting to the point in this break up remorse where I am blaming myself. Do I turn sweet, nice guys into assholes? It seems to be a trend in my dating life. Is it my fault because I am not overly affectionate and loving and when he stopped showing me that I missed it and demanded he act that way again, is that fair? Was a bitch? Was I too hard on him? Did I not appreciate the good in him enough? There are so many questions I have but I got the answer to the most important one. He doesn’t know and that just isn’t good enough. All the other questions I have don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if he had feelings for Dana, it doesn’t matter why he put me second, it doesn’t matter why he choice to lie, it doesn’t matter if he is ok or not. All that matters is that he still doesn’t want to fix it and I can’t be the only one who wants to fix it.

I disregarded my dignity and self respect and asked him the question I needed to know. I got an answer I didn’t want but I got an answer and it hurt like hell just like the book said it would, but I don’t think I made a mistake. So I’ll cry because all my hope is gone but I will pick myself up and move on because I am stronger then that or least I hope I am

Love your ex girlfriend who knew what she wanted and it was you

Day Eight: One week down

I made it; one week or seven days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds, not that I kept track. This first week has been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs and relief and regret but I feel like the first week is the hardest and so it’s all down hill from here, at least it better be. I mean the first week is the biggest adjustment, I felt like I needed to tell him little details about my day and I wanted to know how he was doing and lots of times I wanted to yell and scream at him and punch him in the face. But I didn’t, I fought every urge I had and kept myself busy. So this is where we take a shot because we are celebrating the fact I didn’t go over and beat his face in. YAY! But I did it and I am proud of myself.

I didn’t ask him for help when it came to fixing my car, I did it myself. I didn’t have him start my car in the morning because it was cold outside, I did it myself. I found out some devastating news and I didn’t call him to support me, I dealt with it myself. I did all of these things on my own, without the help of him. It’s a bitter sweet feeling knowing you have no one to lean on but yourself but more then any thing it’s an empowering feeling.

Keeping myself busy this last week has been the key to not texting him. Along with lists of reasons to not talk to him, things he’s done to hurt me and lists of quotes from the book, being busy has been my saving grace. 

Thank sweet baby Jesus for Jenna because she has been doing an amazing job with keeping me busy. Thank you break up buddy. Between Friday night hang outs and spa days and late night phone calls she has been my saving grace. Also taking time for myself, going to the gym, organizing my new room, soccer and helping out around my parent’s house, I haven’t had to spend a lot of time alone, which definitely makes it easier. Also I know the not drinking thing is helping. It stops you from drunken dialing him, crying at the bar because you thought you saw him, it saves you from sending mean text messages that look like this

“Yu r A ashOle!!!!!! YOU brke my heart! HOW could u!!!!!!!”

Then phoning him and screaming in a very drunken slur

“WHhyyyyyyyyyy DDOOOOONNNNNTTT YOOOOUUUUUUUUU LUUURRRRVVVEEEEE MMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!”

Then going home with a man named Nathan who is 32, single and drives a Pontiac and thinks your beautiful and amazing and funny and has he has the same eyes as your ex boyfriend or at least you thought he did the night before.

I have not done any of that. So as much as I miss wine, I think right now it’s for the best. (So take another shot for me, unless you are going through a break up. If you are put it down because know one is attractive after 6 drinks and a drunken phone call to your ex)

Every one keeps telling me how proud they are and how strong I am for just cutting him off, for not taking a baseball bat to his car or letting the air out of his tires, for not staying when I wasn’t being treated fairly, for taking a look at my relationship and seeing that I deserve more, but I don’t feel strong because coming to terms with being independent is hard when you’ve been dependant on some one for so long. It is hard, I’ve had some serious high and low moments and they come and go quickly. One minute I am feeling strong and happy and the next I hear some thing about golf or a song he likes and I am a crying mess. Just not in public. I will not be a crying mess in public because some one may see and tell him.

I don’t feel like my friends should be proud that I stuck up for myself because I feel that is what every one should do. Man or women, if there is a relationship were you aren’t being treated fairly, don’t you feel like it’s better to walk away, peacefully and say this just isn’t working any more? You don’t always understand why people hurt you but when they do you need to look at it and ask yourself if the relationship is repairable and if you are both willing to fix it. In my case, we both weren’t willing to fix it, I tried to fix it, I tried to take steps to repair it but he didn’t put the effort in when he needed to and at that point I needed to scrape my dignity off the floor and walk away. So one week down and only seven more weeks to go.

Love your ex girlfriend one week and counting

Day Seven: The good, the bad, the ugly

It feels like I've been away from him for days but I can remember the look in his eyes when he was happy like he is right in front of me. That’s what I miss the most. That look in his eyes that would tell me he loved me and he was happy. A look I hadn't seen in long time. Augh. So cliché and so very pathetic.

I find it’s the hardest when I am alone. When I have time to deal with every thing I am feeling, to think about him and contemplate what went wrong and when it started to go wrong. Those hours that come late at night when I don’t have some thing to take my mind off of him, I dread those hours like that little hobbit did as he marched towards Mordor; yes, with that much impending doom. I am doing good with keeping myself busy but it’s just masking the feelings that I have to deal with when I am alone. Although, I am never really “alone” because I live at home, with my father and my mother and my 15 year old brother, so being alone is a lucrative term.

But a small part of me knows that those are the hours I have to become okay with, I know that those are the hours that are going to make me a stronger person. I need to become okay with being alone again and doing things by myself because the one thing I do know for certain is that I am embracing this break up and taking time to reach my goals and do things for myself and I am not jumping into a relationship, so Santa better bring me a vibrator and a joint because I am embracing being alone.

Last night I made lists, because not only did the book It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken suggest it, I happen to love making lists. That’s right I am a list person.

This is the first time I embraced what I missed about him, I let myself remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. I took some time and reflected on our relationship, I remember every good memory we had together and every bad, from the first night in our first place together to the night I found out he lied to me about Dana and how painful that was. So here is my first list

Best Qualities

His sense of humor

His ability to talk through problems

His compassion

Desire to keep learning

His passion for things that interested him

Loyalty to family

His ability to push me to try knew things

His ability to make me want to be a better person

He helped out around the house a lot

Worst

His work ethic

His listening skills

His temper

Lack of spontaneity

Lack or ownership when he makes mistakes

His immaturity

How he wasn't supportive/always was about him/didn't compromise 

His uncertainty about our future

He wasn't sensitive to my feelings

He is deceitful and dishonest

Then I made a list of things I will miss and things I wont miss. This was harder because this is where the reflecting on our relationship really happened.

Things I’ll miss

His touch

His kiss

His company

Lazy Sundays

Playing around

Having some one to talk to

Having some one who understands

His stories

His eyes and smile

Small romantic gifts

Joking around with him

His family

Feeling safe

The poems and love letters

How he made me appreciate the small things in life and not rush through it

Things I won’t miss

His lying

Not feeling good enough

Worrying

His temper

Average sex

Putting me second to his relationship with other girls

Lack of trust in our relationship

When we went some where I would always be waiting for him to get ready because he would leave it till the last moment. So annoying

Always worried what people thought/think

How he would cut me down

So that’s what I came up with, so far any ways. There was a lot of good. Our relationship was good for a long time, until it wasn't. I am coming to terms with that.

Tomorrow it will officially be one week without talking to him. I am sincerely thankful that I am stubborn and when I set goals I achieve them.

Love your ex girlfriend who appreciates every thing you did but knows every thing you've become