So we all know that skinny jeans are “in style” right now and have been for a while and it looks like they are here to stay. They look super cute with heels, tucked into boots, paired with a cute little top! Skinny jeans seem to go with everything, except a big ass. I have been blessed with my father’s ass. HURRAY for me. Not. My body is like Kim Kardashians except I don’t have a shit ton of money to pay a personal trainer and I also love salt and vinegar chips and red bull. So it’s a little bit bigger than Kim’s. I wouldn’t say I was fat, but curves are plentiful on this girl. One time after I got spray tanned I got asked if I was half black. So I stopped spray tanning so there wasn’t any confusion. So thanks for that DAD, I got ever good gene you and mom had, rolled into one cute, big assed package! So now that I’ve painted that lovely image in your head here is my dilemma! I can not find jeans. Please other bottyliscious girls unite and help a sister out.
This is what I don’t get. I am not that fat! I don’t have a gunt. I am not a size 6 but I am also not big enough to shop at plus size stores, even though they say size 14 to what ever, there 14 is completely different than the 14 at H&M. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am in-between. I am 10 donuts away from plus size stores, and 2 solid months of working out away from normal jeans. Either way when I go to buy jeans they are all skinny jeans no matter what size! For pete’s peppers if you are over a size 10 do not put skinny jeans on, do not even entertain that thought because you just look like an ice cream cone. And I’ll be the first to admit I love ice cream, but that’s what got me into this skinny jean problem and I don’t want to look like an ice cream cone. So I am stuck with blah jeans that are way more expensive than the skinny jeans you can get at H&M or Forever 21, that do not look as cute when paired with heels, flats or any thing else. And for the record even if I was a size 6 my ass would still be big and skinny jeans would not look good on me. So I am fucked. I go to stores and try on jeans and they are all fucking skinny jeans. Skinny jeans in blue, pink, purple, yellow, white, they have skinny jeans with patterns and cute little rips and tears then there is one style of bootcut and maybe one flared that usually sit on me like mom jeans and I just want to go punch all these women grabbing there 20 dollar skinny jeans from H&M while I am saran wrapping my ass to fit into boring 70 dollar flared jeans. Skinny jeans can suck it.
And this is the part that really irks me. I was at a party one night with my friend Dana. Dana is an excellent drinking partner by the way, even if she has a kid and is an excellent mother, she still manages to have questionable morals after 4 beers, and that is what I look for in a friend. If you are looking for advice on how to lead a balanced life between kids and well, still having a life, Dana has nailed it. Kudos to her. So I am at a party and it’s mostly her friends, who also have kids and are a lot older than me, but they still drink like champs so I like them. Any ways many of them are bigger in the pants area than I am, so after a few…to many… Palm Bays I asked this one girl I call Fluffy where she gets her pants and this is the conversation.
Me: Where do you get your jeans, because I can’t find jeans ANYWHERE!!!!!!
Fluffy: Mmmm I really like bootleggers jeans, they fit really well.
Me: Weird, I hate them. (I am thinking to myself how does fluffy fit into these so called bootlegger jeans, they stop at size 32?)
Fluffy: Ya I usually do size 32 in bootcut try that.
OK! Unless I am delusional fluffy is not a size 32. This girl has a bigger gunt than my grade 9 math teacher who's nickname was Mrs. Gunt. AND HER NICKNAME IS FLUFFY! So you are not a size 32 hunny. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable about your size, I just wanted to know if you had the same skinny jean problem I have and where I could find jeans. I am not saying fluffy doesn’t rock her fluffiness, because she does, but don’t lie. I hate liars, especially when I am looking for help and I felt like she could help me out. So some one who doesn’t lie please help me where can I find cute, non-skinny jeans. Because I may burn down the skinny jean warehouse so I don’t feel left out any more.
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