Thank you for reminding me why I am single

You know one of the perks to being single? I get to listen to all you people in relationships, bitch about your relationships. You know another perk to being single? I get to hear all my single friends tell me how they bang not so single people. You know another perk to being single? I get to sit here and judge all you people in your relationships. I get to grab my popcorn and listen to the horrible divorce stories, cheating stories, my girlfriend did this stories, my boyfriend said that stories and why yes, they are sad, I get to pass a small amount of judgement, because you are judging my relationship with Netflix's and cheese.

Those don’t sound like perks really, but trust me they are, for the simple reason, I don’t have a person to complain about, to consume my life, to plan my life around, I have me, and the stories I hear make me scream out “praise Jesus” and stay single forever. I can tell you that at least once a week I have a friend who is going through some kind of relationship turmoil, some kind of nervous breakdown, crying mess, chocolate eating catastrophe in their relationship. I know that relationships have their ups and their downs, and there will be problems and sometimes people need to vent,  I've been there, but as I sit there and listen to their problems like a good friend I can’t help but think...really? Is this what I am missing out on?  

I watch as their girlfriends post pictures of how in love they are, while he asks me if there will be single, hot girls at the party. My friend spent her Saturday night at a party in a screaming match with her boyfriend, I spent my Saturday night watching Netflix’s and eating cheese. You tell me who had the better Saturday night. Rhetorical question, I did. Sure I went to bed alone and woke up alone, but I didn’t go to bed with puffy eyes from crying. See, I’d be fully open to a new relationship if I didn’t have to spend so much time hearing about how horrible yours is. You know what happens when the guy I’ve gone on three dates with pisses me off? I get to say see you later and it’s easy because I’m not invested.

I had a friend say to me, I know you hate on-line dating, but you should try it again, they’re lots of guys on there who are nice, with good jobs. First off she is wrong, I was on a dating site and between the slew of “hey baby” and “youz sexy” messages, I found very few men on there who seemed normal, not that I am the poster child for normal but I am way more normal than sexyman420. But I had to plan my response carefully, because when you are the only single girl in your group of friends people tend to feel sorry for you, like you must be lonely, or depressed because your Saturdays are spent at home in sweats with your dogs. So I chose my words carefully when I responded...”there is not a burning hope in hell that I am getting back onto a dating website unless it’s for sheer entertainment, which to be honest has crossed my mind a couple of times.

Yes, sometimes being single is lonely, yes, sometimes I just want someone to ask how my day was without the hidden agenda of wanting me to come over to watch a movie later (if you know what I mean), but you know what, for right now, I get to enjoy focusing on me, spending time on me and not obsessing over a mellow dramatic ass munch, or a self righteous prick who couldn’t appreciate what he had. I get to do me and listen to your stories.

Why your 30's are not your new 20's

Somewhere in the great sands of time a monumental switch was made, a switch that affects you and me, basically every young adult. A switch was made in society, at least North American society that proclaimed to 20 some things everywhere that we have time! Time to travel, time to be picky, time to party, time to make mistake, and once 30 hits you will have made your mistakes and the pieces of your life with magically fall into place. I have a girlfriend who’s whole mantra is based on that idea, we are young and don’t want to wake up at 30 full of regret that we never did all the things we wanted too.

But society can’t fool me, I know your secret.  I don’t have endless time to gallivant and make mistakes, I turn 24 on Friday and have very….very….very little to show for it. Multiple failed relationships, an almost education, a dog, a room in my parents basement, that is what I have at 24. So society, excuse me while I drop kick you in the throat for telling me that I have time and that the pieces will magically fall into place. You might be sitting there saying “no Justine, you do have time! You are 24 years old, you are young!” To you I say, you are part of my problem and stop it. I know I am young, I know I have “time” but where you are wrong is that my 20’s are going to shape the rest of my life. I even have proof.

I watch this video from Ted Talks the other night, I told you I am painfully single and have a lot of time on my hands, so, so painfully single; the video was titled Why 30 is not the new 20, ya, if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you get the fuck (ya, that word is necessary) out of this blog because that is downright terrifying. Meg Jay is a psychologist, who specializes in 20 some things, anxiety filled, panicking 20 some things, just like me!  I am slightly comforted in the fact that this lady was able to make a whole career out of people like me, I don’t know if that is really a comforting statement, but I’m taking what I can get at this point in my life.  

After I watched the video I had a full on, lie on the bed, curled up in a ball, while breathing into a paper bag, crying panic attack; she confirmed every single fear I have...that yes, your 20’s are influential times in not only your career and relationships but basically your whole life, and pardon me while I paraphrase,  your 20’s shape your whole fucking life; if my life turns out like my 20’s thus far it will be a horrible blend of bad relationships where I “fix” his problems and suppress mine, bad office jobs and happy hour specials at dive bars, not exactly what I have pictured for my future. You know what good has come out of my 20’s? I’ve harnessed my ability to get ready for work in less than 10 minutes that is my greatest accomplishment thus far…not that that isn’t some serious talent. But my constant fear of messing up my future is warranted.

 I vividly remember Carrie Bradshaw telling me that “my 20’s are to have fun, your 30’s are to learn your lessons, and your 40’s are to pay for the drinks.” Carrie Bradshaw is never wrong, she fixed the unfixable man, worked for Vogue, sold books all over the world and basically did it all while rocking 5 inch stiletto’s and designer bags; never mind the fact that she is a fictional character, what have you done Meg? Can’t I follow Carrie’s advice, it makes me feel better about my questionable life choices to this point, I am having fun, I am making mistakes, I am doing things that society tells me it’s okay to do, because I have time! You Meg, add fuel to my anxiety filled fire while Carrie gives justification to my questionable life choices.

See my solution to this fear is just do nothing and wait for it suddenly all click, right, that’s what happens in movies, something happens and the pessimistic, lost, main character has an epiphany and bam, she finds love, gets promoted, basically just lives happily ever after, so that’s what I’ve been waiting  for, my epiphany. So I’ve been procrastinating, restrain my fears and doing nothing. That is apparently the wrong thing to do, at least according to Meg. By doing nothing I am not investing in myself, I am not “in control” of my future, basically unless I work to change it, it won’t change. Which to you may seem like a trivial idea, but I went to months of therapy for that, but even after Amy Poheler I never really knew what the next step was so I just never took a step. I don’t feel like I am alone in that either, I mean, obviously I am not if this lady can make a whole career out of it.

I was discussing this with Abby the other night and she told me about her random subway run in with a lady, the lady told her, “I am 35 years old, I have a beautiful daughter, a divorce and I am renting an apartment because my ex husband left me with very little, but what he can’t take away from me, what no one can take away from me is my education.” What a tragic yet liberating statement. Tragic in the sense that at 35 your whole life can be taken away, liberating in that she spent her 20’s working for something that no one can take away from her…and that is the pride that she accomplished something on her own, by herself and it can never be seized from her. 

So where does the problem lie? For me, I blame the myth that society gives us that we have time and that pieces will magically fall into place. That we can waste our twenties and find a career in our 30’s, find a relationship, find ourselves, in our 30’s.

 I turn 24 in two days and not one thing has fallen into place for me, if anything the constant suppressing of my future to aid others has set me back. My lack of boundaries when it comes to self sacrifice for others has only hindered me. If we look at my past relationship history there is one common factor, I will fall hopelessly and madly fall in love with you, if there is a way I can fix you.

Obviously, for 20 something women relationships seem to consume a lot of our thoughts, will I find love, why doesn’t he love me, why isn’t he the man I want him to be, why am I alone, the questions of relationships and love seem to be a main theme for women in their 20’s, in and out of relationships.  Maybe because our biological clock is ticking away, maybe because we have more a primitive desire to find a mate and well...reproduce...for whatever reason, women tend to obsess over the need to find a mate more than most males. Males seem to find this need somewhere in the 30’s. So when she brought up dating, we all really shouldn’t be shocked, it’s a huge part of our 20’s. Meg, that magically lady, compares dating in your 20’s to musical chairs, you are having fun, dancing around to the music all through your 20’s then the one day the music stops, all your friends start getting married, having kids, settling down, and you are left standing, so you grab the closest chair, is doesn’t matter if it’s the right chair, you just grab it, because you don’t want to be left standing alone. I looked around at all the relationships around me and I judged, yep...I did. Sorry friends, but it’s safe to say I think the majority of you just grab a freaking chair, you spend more time complaining about these relationships than enjoying them, and really...while your 20’s seem to be flying by does that really merit hanging onto something that is not right for you, something that you spend more time complaining about than enjoying.

When  I left Kermit I heard a lot how proud people where of me, how strong I was, when people said  this I wanted to slap them across the face, you are proud of me for leaving a bad relationship? That left me spending more time unhappy than happy? That’s not something to be proud of that is something that should be common. Why do we have the constant need to settle? The fear of being alone out weights the fear of being with someone who treats you like you are disposable I guess.  I don’t understand peoples need to stay with cheating partners, physical and emotional, I don’t understand peoples need to return to broken relationships just to have the same problems constantly reoccur. You have options, yes, it hurts to break up, go back and read the sixty days I spent crying, in a therapy, and a fucking emotional mess, but I am living without him even when I thought I wouldn’t, I am doing okay, and I left someone who didn’t treat me how I deserve to be treated.

I am not saying that you should leave the relationship after the first time he pisses you off; I am obviously talking about leaving relationships that warrant it.  But it’s the same situation as the career, if you don’t take the first step to the future you want you are left stuck. And I’ll be damned if I am left stuck with a person who has stopped making me happy.

There is more to just leaving the broken relationship, it’s the aftermath that I know I personally struggle with, that I see most people struggle with, it’s the ability to let history repeat itself. Allowing yourself to make the same mistakes and not learn, that is where the settling for the last chair really sets in; with your career or relationship.

I think there needs to be a shift in societal views that time is disposable, especially in your 20’s and you have your 30’s to discover and learn from all the mistakes you’ve made.  Mistakes will be made in your 20’s but it’s the process of learning from them to ensure you have a future that you are taking control of, be it with your career, your relationship, or just life in general. Your 30’s are not your new 20’s, your 20’s dictate a great portion of your future, and it’s a terrifying and liberating feeling to accept that. I don’t know about you but waking up in 30’s and realizing I’m still in the same place I was in my 20’s is the most terrifying idea, that I haven’t grown, that I still feel stuck, that I am inevitably at a bad office job that gives me zero satisfaction. That’s my deep thought for today, on that note, it’s my birthday tomorrow and I am gonna get all wastey pants and celebrate how far I haven’t come in the last 4 years of my 20’s and hope that the lessons I’ve learned from the last year will help me towards a future I want.