Break up lines your friends will tell you and what you really want to say

We’ve all been through a break up, end to a fling, or just an end to imaginary relationship, don’t lie, those imaginary relationships hurt just as much as real ones when they come to an end! No matter what the circumstance, the length of the relationship, or boy who broke your heart, the one thing that remains consistent throughout the breakups is the cliché words of encouragement from your friends. They will try to cheer you up in hopes that you’ll put down the wine bottle, yes bottle, and the tub of chocolate ice cream, and put a smile on your face, usually this is done to no prevail, bless their hearts for trying!

 

When we are two Nicholas Sparks movies into a breakup these are the lines that your friends will tell you and this is really what you want to say to them.

 

You deserve better – clearly, I know this, look at me, I haven’t washed my hair in three days! WHO WOULDN”T WANT THIS! But if I deserve better why is this douche bag leaving me? NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE! ALONE FOREVER! WHERE IS MY WINE BOTTLE!

 

It’s okay he doesn’t understand what he lost- ya that must be it, he lost someone who is drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream, a bottle of wine and crying…I MISS HIM!

 

Don’t worry there are so many guys out there – have you personally counted all the eligible men? Because I have, there is a not that many out there, there is five and I’ve already dated three of them and I think the other two shit their pants on a regular basis. Like literally.

 

It’s okay just be strong – don’t tell me to be strong while you sit over there in your happy relationship, I don’t want to be strong or mature I want him to contract herpes or come running back to me, preferably before he contracts herpes

 

Just give it time – Ya, time is what I need. Time to finish another bottle of wine, how about you make yourself useful and go get me another bottle.

 

If you need anything or just need to talk let me know – anything you say? If you could kindly go shit on his wind shield I’d appreciate that…no you won’t? That’s what I thought. Don’t put the offer out there then

 

You are young, the right one will come along – well..I aint getting any younger ass munch, have you seen my Facebook news feed, bitches be getting knocked up and engaged like Noah built another ark and you have to pair up and repopulate the world. Oh god…that means I am the dinosaur…I am going to become extinct because I can’t find a partner! FOREVER ALONE! WINE? WINE? WHERE ARE YOU!

 

He was an asshole anyway – excuse me…but he is my asshole. Kind of. He left me, but in my mind he’s still mine…remember that one time he said I was pretty, I always loved it when he called me pretty!

 

Its okay his penis was small anyways – ya…that does make me feel a little better. Maybe just keep saying that

 

Maybe you shouldn’t have another glass of wine – don’t judge me, I am trying to get drunk over here and forget my broken heart

Well...isn't that something

So, boss man has been doing some serious layoffs lately, and because I am a hard working individual, some days, I made the cut, I have a job, but you know who didn’t make the cut, the cleaning lady, so that means I have to clean up after gross disgusting toothy and his friends with equally poor hygiene. Let me tell you I am neither Mexican or a struggling surfer, so cleaning toilets is not in my forte, but boss man scares the hell out of me and efforts to keep my job, until I find a new one, I am cleaning like a mother fucker. But that is really what began this whole job search thing, I really have a hard time doing the dishes for grown men who are more than capable of doing their own and an even harder time scrubbing someone else’s shit off a toilet, unless I am getting some kind of sexual favors for it, and my requirement for that to happen is you have to have teeth...so no one here makes the cut, sadly.

But see, this whole situation has thrown a freaking loop into my plan, work here till October, go to Thailand for a month, have a blasty blast in Thailand, come back wiser and cultured and start school in January, cause this bitch is going back to school ya’ll! This is a deadly plan. I am excited about this plan, this plan has taken YEARS to come up with and I came up with this plan all by myself. Note how there is no mention of a boy in that plan, because I am tuning into my inner Beyoncé and becoming an independent women as well as a contributing member to society!

But between the toilet situation and this imminent fear of losing my job  I put out a few resumes and that lead to the job interview yesterday. I was fully expecting to trade one shitty office job for another shitty office job, I have done this interview, I have dazzled the interviewer with my charm and smart and mature answers, I wrote the fucking book on bad office jobs. But then, I went to this interview and was genuinely excited about this position and the company and now I find myself in full panic mode because I have just made a plan and I like my plan, why interviewer did you have to dazzle me with your job opportunity that sounds actually fun and exciting. WHY WHY WHY! But I am not stressing, I don’t know if I have the job yet, I don’t know if I want the job yet, I know that on paper it sounded good. And we know that just because something sounds good on paper doesn’t mean they produce. So I’m not into full panic mode yet, just to keep ya’ll up dated.

By the way, no I have not moved to Texas, I am just one season down in Friday Night Lights and I’ve grown quite fond of saying ya’ll like the people do on the show.

Why I may never grow up to be a contributing member of societty reason # 40

So I have a job interview today, no, I am not becoming a contributing member to society, it’s still an office job, a shitty office job of that I have no doubt, but it’s a higher paying office job, so I’d get paid more to multitask between my shitty office job, day dreaming and writing this blog. It’s almost like I am a paid writer, except my boss doesn’t know he is paying me write blogs some times...my mother would kill me if she read this blog, thank God she hates everything but coupons and is unsupportive.

 

But there is a bigger issue at hand...I just had an epiphany, I will never be a normal, functioning, human being, because I don’t know how to make normal people decisions. This was my thought process this morning when I was getting ready for work:


I can’t wear a skirt to work, boss man will know I have an interview or something, I barely brush my teeth for work let alone show up in anything remotely business professional. Okay, plan, I will wear jeans with a dress top and put on a skirt on my way to said interview. HA! Good problem solving self! I really did feel a little proud of myself for coming up with a solution to said problem.

 

Thought process while driving to work... oh Jesus I forgot to put on underwear this morning! I am in my car already, my underwear is all the way downstairs...maybe I have some in my purse, I usually have underwear in my purse...fuck no underwear in my purse today...damn...I can’t show up to a job interview in a skirt with my sneaper hanging out...well maybe that will help me get the job. No Justine...go get underwear.

 

I run down stairs and my mom yells at me “what the hell you are going to be late for work, why are you back here?”

 

I don’t say anything, I am obviously busy, back off. I run up stairs underwear in hand

 

Is that underwear in your hand? Where did I go wrong with you? Your sisters are normal, what is wrong with you.

 

HA! Mom if you only knew that I seriously debated just not wearing underwear and came all the way back here for it you would actually be proud of me! So  mission accomplished, I have underwear for my skirt. Then I thought about this...I have underwear sitting in my the center console of my car. I plan on changing on my way to said interview, cruise control will obviously help me in this situation.

 

Normal people, with contributing jobs, don’t have underwear in their center console of their car and not realize anything wrong with this until 8 hours later. Normal people would have remembered to put on underwear this morning. I did not.

 

Also secretly when they ask me what my strengths are, because they always, always do in an interview, it is going to take everything in me not to say, problem solving, and multitasking, and when they ask for examples I will refrain myself further from saying “Well sir, I forgot to put on underwear this morning and had a skirt on, so I solved that problem while sitting at a red light and I was able to drive and put said underwear on at the same time. If that isn’t multitasking I really don’t know what is.

 

I feel like that would be an excellent answer, one time in a job interview I told the interviewer that I had experience dealing with difficult people because my mother was going through menopause while three girls lived in the same house and if you can defuse a fight over the bathroom between a women going through hot flashes and a girl getting ready for a date, you could pretty much defuse any situation. I got that job. No word of a lie.

Coupon Queen logic, it's on a whole other level

When Kermit and I broke up I moved back into my parents house, I hadn’t lived at home in three years and was really not looking forward to going back, especially because much like Harry Potter I was shoved into a closet under the stairs while Dudley, aka my brother who shits gold and awesome, has not one, but two bed rooms. Yes folks, no word of a lie, the kid has two bedrooms. A 15 year old boy...two bed bedrooms...

 So broken hearted me moved into the basement with all my stuff and I tried to unpack all my stuff. Now I like to shop, I have to, I change outfits twice a day, which is much better than the 5 times a day when I was in college, so I have a lot of clothes, I have a lot of shoes, I have a lot of stuff. I tried my hardest to organize and pack away my stuff but really when you shove me in a room with a half a closet a girl can only do so much. Dudley the golden wonder on the other hand wears basically  the same 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants, he’s a guy, that shit doesn’t matter to him.

 So about a month into me living at home this kid decided he wants to move into the basement, so Coupon Queen cleans out her sewing room and moves the little gaffer into the biggest bedroom with the walk in closet, and leaves me in the closet under the stairs.

 I am okay with this, why because he will live there longer, I had that room, I am a fucking mature grown up and I’m dealing with my little living situation, until, last night.

 

The Coupon Queen has been on a hating Justine’s whole life mission every since she got back from holidays, I don’t know maybe she is mad because I let Dudley have one whole freaking beer. Regardless, her mission in life the last week has been to suck the soul of my me. She comes marching down the stairs screaming my name and on a crazy rant about needing organization in her life.

“we need to do something about your clothes! I can’t live like this”

“uhh I don’t know what you want me to do, I’ve thrown out half (YES HALF!!) of my closet already, I am not throwing out more”

“WELL WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING! With you back in school you will be here for the next four years!”

“umm Mom, that would make me 28 by the time I move out, and that is not happening, trust me. Regardless, you gave me half a closet and I have the most clothes, your son has a walk in closet and could shit his pants and not feel the need to change his underwear. And now has three rooms in this 5 bedroom house, so really what would you like me to do!”

“we will get you something to hang your clothes on and put it in the freezer room.”

 

THANK ALLAH! I get to put my clothes next to her stock pile of toilet paper! I should be so lucky.

 I realize how ungrateful and spoiled I sound...but really...half a closet...most amount of clothes in the house, kid who barely changes clothes...ever...biggest closet. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANY ONE!

I could tell you about Melvin...or I could tell you about my new pretend boyfriend

I could tell you how last week I hung out with Melvin and I went all swoony again and how all week he’s been all sweet which made me swoon even more and caused me to dance around in glee all week. Then I could tell you how last night some whore faced, mini skirt wearing on a Wednesday wing night, skanky mcskankerson was flirting with him (and he flirted back) and when I was leaving she was all like “baby come back inside” even though he had just asked me to stay and so I just looked at him, made sure that I gave my best “are you fucking joking me face” and said “you better go back inside...baby” and walked away because I’ll be damned if I am going inside now that some twat face just said that to you. So I walked away...crying ...and smoking...because those two things go hand in hand...than proceeded to deleted his number yet again...and by three o’clock today I was kicking myself for having a moment of sanity and deleting his number. But really, if I think about it anymore I’ll get all crazy ghetto on him and that would just end in me in some form of straight jacket. And for all that is good in the world please let me never see skanky mcskankerson again because even before she did that I wanted to go over to her and comment on just how horrible she dressed herself. Seriously, do people not look in the mirror before they leave their house to go out into public. She looked like a low grade stripper for the Special Olympics.

 So, now that I totally haven’t said anything about Melvin,  I’m going to tell you about how I was totally just cocked block at work.

There are few to no perks at my job, really, I am underpaid, put up with bullshit, pmsing boy drama all day and I am forced to listen to Taylor Swift a million times a day, seriously, I can sing you every word to that 22 song...and this is coming from a girl who spent a solid month listening to nothing but sad Taylor Swift songs. I can’t handle another Taylor Swift song, ever.  But about 3 months ago I found a silver lining. That silver lining you ask? Hottie Mchotterson with the prettiest eyes that comes in occasionally to pick up parts for the company he works for. For 3 months I have swooned over this man’s beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and his brown eyes and his perfectly sculpted ass and biceps. Really, you need to check out this man’s tush and than holla at me so we can talk about how good it is.  He is beautiful. I don’t see a ring and it makes me working here almost bearable.  So I say to one of the boys in the back who always deals with him to casually bring up my charming personality and big boobs...not a hard task? No, it is not. You talk me up, mention I am single and pass him my business card (ya, I have business cards, I am a big deal around here) and then we fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. That simple. Does that stupid ass muncher do that? No. He talks about the part, the hockey game from the other night and lets the guy leave! He didn’t even get any information about his personal life, like where I could casually run into him, how am I suppose to live happily ever after now?! I won’t. And I completely blame the guy I work with for being a horrible wing man.

Two facts for you on this lovely Tuesday

Two facts:

1)      Toothy the toothless wonder bought a trailer today, like one you live in, in a trailer park. His white trash dreams are complete. I am so proud of him; it has a stove and everything.

2)      My boss is obviously trying to kill me. After Nikki made me scog beers last night I am obviously hung over at work today...Boss man found a cat while driving Toothy to said trailer, he brought it back to the office. The thing won’t stop meowing. I don’t know what’s worse the meowing kitten or the fact that I’ve had to listen to Taylor Swift 22, ten times today.

As a side note, the toothless wonder’s reaction to the kitten was “I usually have to buy a drink before I can just pick up a pussy.” You aren't picking up any "pussy" Toothy; it might have something to do with your teeth,...or your lack of hygiene.

The friend zone

I’m so glad we are friends, you are such a great guy, you are going to make some girl super happy some day, I’m here for you as a friend, I’d really like to take some time and focus on myself and be single for a while; all sentences that you my dear male friend, have entered into the friend ship zone. Don’t...just don’t even think that you still have a chance to get out of the friendship zone once any of those words have been uttered, because that means that there isn’t a chance, zip, zero, zilch, nada, none.

As women we don’t like to reject men, no well, that’s not true, we have no problem rejecting the creepy guy at the bar, but men that have made an effort to be part of our lives, men that make us feel good, we don’t want to get rid of you, woman hold onto broken things, things that won’t work,  we have a hard time throwing things out, why else do you think I have clothes that I haven’t worn in years  that I just can’t bring myself to throw away...because eventually I may need them. Will I ever wear those shoes with the broken strap? Will I ever wear that shirt that was too small 4 years ago? Probably not, but I like to have the option that I could wear them. Same goes with men. We like to have options, to ease the blow of being rejected from other men, to comfort us on lonely nights, and give us an ego boost on our fat days. We keep you around, as a friend.  

When I was doing extensive research for this, men seem to offer advice on why and how you got to this point, that advice? You are in the friend zone because you didn’t try to be anywhere else, this advice is bullshit. You aren’t there because this girl had no idea you had feelings for her, she knows, that’s why she has said “I am so glad we can be friends,” she is looking for a way to make sure you know you are in the friend zone but she wants to keep you around. Trust me, have I ever said to Melvin “I am so glad we are friends!” No. Never, because I don’t want to be his friend, so I am not going to outline that we are. Have I said to Kermit (post breakup) that I am glad we are friends, yes, because I don’t want to date him but I like him as a friend. So men you don’t need to grab a set of balls and ask her out on a date, you don’t need to try to kiss her, it’s too late, she has made her mind up that she is just your friend and you will never get to her Treasure Island.

Men also have the idea it’s because women are just attracted to assholes and you are the nice guy. Listen, of course you are nice, you want to get to her Treasure Island, you are going to bring her lunch, listen to her problems, pick her up from the bar after a few too many drinks, you are going to do whatever you can to help you get there, and once she picks some asshole (not you) you will blame women everywhere for liking assholes. Women don’t actively seek assholes; we don’t subconsciously like the arrogant pig that is going to make us cry, men just do stupid shit sometimes and guess what you are the person she turns to when that guy does stupid shit because you are her friend, so of course you hear about all the asshole things he does, he is a man, you all do asshole things and we are women, we are a little sensitive so we vent and we cry and we blow things out of proportion. It has nothing to do with you being a nice guy, that’s probably one of the only reasons you are still around, but a long time ago she put you in her not datable list, maybe she doesn’t like your arm pit hair, maybe she doesn’t like your sense of humour, maybe she thinks you would be a project, for whatever reason, you aren’t datable to her. You can’t change how she feels which is unfortunate because I tried dating the guy I put in the friend zone once, he did what those other guys writing dating advice columns told him to do, he made a move and it worked but not because I had feelings for him, but because I felt bad...like I didn’t want to hurt him because he was my friend, but in the end I couldn’t change that I just wasn’t into him and we broke up, and weren’t friends any more. Did he find someone who loved him, who appreciated more than I ever could all the sweet and nice things he does? Of course, he was a great guy, that’s why I wanted him as a friend, but was that person me? No, it wasn’t and he, in all honesty, wasted six months trying to date me when I was just never that into it.

There is no better way to say it than...unreciprocated feelings suck, even worse when the friendship is a stake, you can either suck it up and just be her friend and watch and she dates other guys, or you can end the friendship and move on to another girl. But you will always just be her friend

 But am I some kind of dating expert, no? I didn’t even finish my last college course, I am an idiot when it comes to my own love life, but I can say without question, that there have been guys that I have strung along and said that I just wanted to be friends because I enjoyed their company on lonely nights. So my advice to the guys who are currently in love with a girl who is “so happy the two of you are such good friends,” either move on or be okay with just being friends but you can’t expect her to change how she feels just because you want her to.

Mom Jean Shorts...we need to talk about this

I know everyone is in extreme panic mode because it’s been like...a week...since my last post but do not worry I am still alive just very, very single. I mean, like eat a whole pizza to myself, in sweat pants, while watching rom coms on Netflix, asking myself why I don’t have a hobby, cell phone in another room because there is no one exciting texting me, can probably get away with not washing my hair for another day, single. How did I  get to this point you may ask? You probably didn’t but oh well, I’ll let you know anyways, I threw out every single guy that showed interest in me except Melvin (who doesn't show interest in me) and then decided I am over Melvin’s to cool attitude and teenage angst behaviour...so now I am lonely, which I am going to learn to rock...as soon as I'm done my pizza.

So while I’ve generally talked about dating, guys, singleness, and drunken adventures, this is about something far more serious...something that is going to affect women everywhere.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse for us big booty bitches, it has; worse than Hello Kitty themed clothing,  worse than Uggs with jeans skirts, worse than leggings under a jean skirt...pretty much jean skirts in general and yes my friend, worse than the treacherous big booty bitch trying to rock skinny jeans. Miley Cyrus tried to bring it in style last summer and it looks like her effort has finally paid off because it has started showing up all over Pinterest, which means it’s the epitome of trendy and there is no turning back. Some (okay just me) have even gone as far as saying it is the herpes of summer trends. If you haven’t figured it out by now it’s the God awful catastrophe known to the world as MOM JEAN SHORTS! Whoever decided these high wasted jean shorts would be a good trend was out of their fucking mind. Let me fill you in on a secret fashion Gods, you stick a 14 year old girl who has no tits and no ass in a pair of these shorts of course you think they will look trendy and cool! Throw in an American flag crop top and you think you have hit the jackpot of summer trends, but you haven’t, go back to the drawing board, because 85 percent of the population is going to hate you by mid June, want to kill you by early July, and have an organized plan to kill you by August.

See it’s the Asian effect; Asians have the ability to where whatever the hell they want to, it can break every fashion rule possible and it will look adorable, because they have the body of a prepubescent 13 year old boy so clothes just fall in the right place. What happens to us women with boobs and a butt, we see these Asian women in their chunky heels and tights with shorts and over sized sweater falling off their shoulders with a big fucking anime character on the front and we go “damn that bitch looks cute” so we go out...we search and search through the forever 21 racks till we find an outfit similar and we put it on in the change rooms. We are so please with our accomplishment to be as trendy as those little Asians, then we pull the sweater over our heads, look and the mirror, and we combust because of how horribly disastrous we look! Just poof, dead. It’s that horrible. And that is the Asian effect and it affects us all, unless you are Asian or Kate Moss and in that case, I hate you.

So fashion Gods I need you to stop taunting me with these high wasted mom shorts because I know exactly how this is going to go, I am going to spend the next three weeks searching for these shorts, because let’s face it, when I see it on those little models, with their long beach waved hair, trendy floral crop top, round Elton John sunglasses and some kind of head wear, I want it, I want to be trendy, and a little bit of a hippie and I want to be delusional about my curves. I want to make the fatal mistake and buy those shorts or worse go into my mom’s closet and take a pair of her old jeans and get the scissors and start cutting. How do I know this will be horrible? Because mom jeans belong in the 80’s and not around my ass, because I have an ass, I probably have enough of an ass to say I have two asses and I do not need shorts that are going to make my ass look bigger and that is exactly what mom shorts do; they emphasize those cute size two bitches asses and for those of us who are not a size two our ass is going to end up looking like a size 22. The pockets are wide set and up high and the way the shorts are just going to draw attention to my thighs, which is the last place I want attention, I’d prefer the attention up around my tits, my boobs are good, thighs are not. Let’s not even talk about what it will look like when I have to sit down in those mom jeans, because eventually I will have to sit down, it’s just a fact, and you know those high wasted devil pants are going to make me look like a have a huge giant wang hanging out between my legs! Did you see the size of that zipper! It’s going to bunch up, it’s going to be bad, it's going to make me look like I have a dong or worse a gunt and I’m going to cry a little. Also, why, why do you have to cut those jeans shorts up so that your ass cheek hangs out the side?! Because even if I saw a little size 2 girl walking down the streets with her ass hanging out at 2 in the afternoon I’d think one of those two things

·         Hoe bag put some clothes on

·         She must be drunk...maybe I should follow her

So, to conclude this rant, let’s just stop this summer trend, let’s stick to those little lace shorts or normal jean shorts and save everyone a world of pain.

 

As a side note while writing those post I have discovered a new love for All Dressed chips, which won’t help me in my quest to get into mom jean shorts, but are delicious none the less.