To my pretend significant other, here's a list of 36 things that will annoy you

Recently I read this list on Pinterest, 42 reasons why I am single. I thought while some of these reasons were valid, most didn’t apply to me, then I thought about that lady who wrote that horrid post telling me to evaluate all my annoying habits, then I started...I started making a list of reasons why I’m single; so, my dear future significant other, here are things that are going to annoy the shit out of you

1.       I’d much rather be left alone on Saturday night...well basically all of Saturday to lie in bed while watching Sons of Anarchy. Really, I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on make-up, none of that, I just want to sit there with Irma (my dog) and fantasize that Opie wants to marry me. Please find something to do during that time or better yet, make yourself useful by making me a sandwich.

2.       I don’t like to share my food, closet, smokes, bed, and money, basically anything. I don’t like sharing; I like my things to be mine and your things to be yours and if you ask me to share I will no longer like you

3.       I don’t like to cuddle, again, that goes with number two, my bed, your bed. Seriously there were times when I would make Kermit sleep in a different bed even after living together for more than 2 years; I like to sleep alone, not because we were fighting but because I like my own space when I sleep. With the exception of Irma, Irma can always cuddle with me

4.       I laughed way to hard in point number 3 when I got to write number 2. See now I’m laughing again, five year old boy potty humour is and always will be hilarious to me

5.       When I want to be loved, you better be there to love me and be fully prepared to leave when I am done with wanting to be loved.  Much like a cat, which are only popular on the internet, not in relationships

6.       I have 5 imaginary weddings planned, if you don’t fit into one of those 5 weddings, we can’t date. I’ve put a lot of time into those imaginary weddings.

7.       I’m Gonna Be, The Proclaimers, learn to love that song, because I will play it on repeat a lot

8.       I can probably burp louder than you, my pretend significant other

9.       Farting is always funny, unless it involves an oven of the Dutch decent.

10.   I can’t cook rice to save my life...can’t do it. I fuck it up every time. If you ever want to eat rice again just keep looking because I am not the one

11.   When I pour milk I will always spill some  on the counter, I can’t help it

12.   I am horrible at doing laundry, my mother is trying to teach me, but she just has so many rules, delicates, lights, darks, I get that...but I just don’t understand why I can’t put a towel with a hoody and why I can’t just throw everything in the dryer, so many rules to laundry.  I hate doing laundry

13.   When it’s that time of the month I will watch every romantic comedy possible and I will cry and cry and cry and hate you for not being Ryan Gosling and sending me 365 letters. When you see me searching everywhere for chocolate it’s best that you just go into hiding for the next week and send me love letters, it’s the only way to make it through the week.

14.   There will be times when I make you listen to Taylor Swift, P!NK, and Alanis Morissette, probably around the same time I am watching romantic comedies. It will be annoying because I will repeat the same 3 songs over and over again; it’s my sad music, deal with it.

15.   Anytime I drink tequila. That is why I am single. If I start drinking tequila, run in the opposite direction, no good will come from that

16.   I will insist on drinking tequila

17.   Tequila will make me puke

18.   I will curse you for letting me drink tequila, damn you pretend significant other for letting me drink tequila

19.   There are two things I will never understand, why the Spice Girls broke up and how to tell time on a clock that isn’t digital.

20.   I’m in a long distance relationship with Ryan Gosling...he might use the term “restraining order” but I prefer the term “long distance relationship,” so I’m sorry pretend significant other, I will never be able to fully invest in our relationship

21.   I will sing to every song I know. I can’t sing, but damn it I will die trying

22.   I will plan choreographed dances to songs and might be sad when you don’t want to be my back up dancer, this goes along with my need to tap dance through the grocery store

23.   You can come to expect that Jenna will know every single detail about you. Every single last detail, that she probably doesn’t want to know, that you don’t want her to know, she will know. It doesn’t matter how many times you say to me “Justine, don’t tell Jenna about this.” I can guarantee you the first thing I will do when you aren’t around is tell Jenna about it.

24.   I will probably wear hair extensions well into my late 20’s when the inevitable day comes that I trade in my long, beautiful, fake hair for a bob.  I don’t care if you don’t get why I spend so much money on my fake hair when I  can’t afford rent and that you like my hair without them, the quickest way to piss me off is telling me I don’t “need” hair extensions, just learn to accept them like the child we will probably never have.

25.   About once every three months I will get the strong urge to cut my hair in some drastic, trendy way, it is your job to talk me out of this every time. One time Kermit had to break into the bathroom because I’d convinced myself I wanted to shave half my head like those trendy tattooed bitches on Pinterest and I could do it myself

26.   Camping, I hate camping, I will ask you to go camping every May long weekend, I will last 24 hours then want to go home. Please take me home to my bed, my shower and bathroom. Please don’t remind me that I do this every year, I know, camping just sounds so fun in my head

27.   I will have a list for everything, no I never actually follow said list, but it relaxes me to make them. Isn’t it ironic that you read about my love for lists...in a list?!

28.   Really, though...I need to bring up tequila again. I’m just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for all the times tequila will make you mad at me

29.   How I drive, it’s going to drive you crazy. Yes I need to talk on the phone, smoke, use my GPS and change the song all at the same time, do your part and let me know when the light changes if you want to make it home alive

30.   I have to be on time for everything and being on time means being ten minutes early. If I am late and it’s your fault, prepare to feel the wrath of the devil.

31.   Bobby pins...bobby pins everywhere

32.   I will make you listen to my girl gossip, I will ask for your opinion, I know you don’t care what this person said but humour me my dear pretend significant other, your opinion is important to me

33.   I will over analyse every single situation in my head, 30 times, you can tell that I am when I bite my nails, this should make you nervous, so very nervous

34.   My mother, she is overbearing, no, you don’t get used to it, don’t worry that will annoy me too

35.   How many outfits I have to try on before I go out for the night, my hatred for socks and jackets, and how many times you will have to hear “I have nothing to wear”

36.   My need for you to accept the previous 35 things about me, because I can’t and won’t change. Those are thing things that will drive you crazy, there is probably more, but regardless those are the things that make me, me.

A fallen member is back in action tomorrow night

Ladies and gentleman! I have the most excellent news, are you sitting down? Because this is some exciting shit I am about to share with you.

 It’s been almost 11 months. 11 long, hard, months, but it is finally time, tomorrow night the one and only Jenna is going to have her first night out since becoming knocked up and you know giving birth! I know, you are almost as excited as I am, I almost peed my pants, okay well I did, just a little though. That’s right, Jenna is joining me and Dana tomorrow night for drinks for a friend’s birthday! We have a whole plan in place and I couldn’t be more excited to have a fallen members back in action.  

 

If you’ve ever drank with Jenna you know she is absolutely hilarious and inappropriate when she drinks, she talks and no one really understands what she is talking about, but she is just so damn cute you laugh anyways, her jokes get more ridiculous and she says the most hilarious things to male. AH! My free spirit, hippy is back in action and I am so happy. HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY.

Please lady, educate me about everything else I am doing wrong when it comes to dating

While browsing through the internet, reading different dating articles, I stumbled across this little beauty right here. Just take a minute and go ahead and read that, it’s enlightening isn’t it; women everywhere, the reason you are single is because you’ve chosen not to settle for a man, you are 35 and single and have a baby-less womb and it’s all your fault because you didn’t settle with that one boyfriend who really wasn’t that bad, you just needed to overlook some minor personality flaws and you too could have had your happily ever after, you picky, dumb, bitch.

I realize I haven’t read the whole book, and I am reading an article that obviously paraphrases a whole  book, but from this little article I now have a strong desire to go find her, knock her out and then walk away, not read the book.

This women talks about how women feel a sense of entitlement, how we are too picky and we are judgemental. To her I say, hell yes we are!

The first thing she talks about is women feeling entitled, that we feel like we are awesome, and you know what we should feel like we are awesome! It has taken years for me to get to the point where I say, “You know what, I am awesome, and if you can’t see that than fuck you!” She is saying that because we are told by friends that we deserve better, and any guy would be lucky to have us, we are entitled and we need to compromise and let go of that sense of entitlement if we have any hopes of finding love, and with that sense of entitlement comes this women who is judgemental and picky, if we could just not judge so quickly we might grow to love that man, with a little compromise and less judgement, we too can have our happy ending.

As little girls we are told boys that pick on us, make fun of us, and basically bully us, actually really like us. So boys who cut down our self esteem actually like us? I don’t know how that message started to little girls but it absolutely disgusts me, how is it okay to say to little girls if he hurts your feelings and your self esteem slowly starts to dwindle, he likes you, so don’t be sad that he called you an ugly poo poo head, he likes you. NO! NO! NO! That boy that called you an ugly poo poo head needs his ass kicked and little seven year old girl please don’t stand in the corner and cry, you walk up to him and say “I AM AWESOME! I AM NOT AN UGLY POO POO HEAD AND YOUR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER TO ME!” Then you turn on your little Velcro shoes and you walk away, because you deserve someone who calls you a beautiful girl, not an ugly poo poo head. You, little girl, be picky, find some one who makes you feel special from the moment he meets you, who you feel a connection with, do not settle for a guy who cuts you down, who makes you feel bad, who you don't really like.

As teenage girls we are in a constant battle with ourselves to come into our own, we feel awkward, we are being judged constantly and have to mindset we need to be a certain way to be in with the popular girls, or be pretty, or have guys like us. We are cut down and judge by stupid hockey jocks, the high school quarter back and basically everyone else who doesn’t think you are pretty or special because you are not a size 2; we are cut down by our first boyfriend because we won’t sleep with them, we are cut down by teachers for not getting good grades, we spend years being cut down. Teenage girls are in a constant inner struggle because their self esteem  is constantly being beaten down by their peers, by themselves, and everything else in the whole damn world. But somehow we make it out of high school and we eventually come into our own and once that happens we start to develop some sort of self esteem. We stop spending so much time looking at our flaws and spend some time seeing the good amazing qualities in ourselves and now you want me to sit down and think about everything someone might not like about me? No, I refuse. I will embrace my quirky habits, I will embrace my never ending ability to over analyze every situation, I will embrace the need to constantly have a plan,  I will embrace that sometimes I like to watch Disney movies and sing along, and if someone finds that annoying then he can just mosey on, he doesn’t have to put up with my habits because he loves me, he will love me because of those habits and you know what if I don’t find some mans quirky habits enduring then I shouldn’t be with him, there isn’t room for compromise when it comes to that, because when I haven’t slept in days because I have a sick baby and work full time, you better be damn sure I secretly love how he drives painful slow, or his stories take forever to spit out, because if I don’t, I may just kill him over it. My mother told me once with Kermit, the things that slightly annoying you now, will drive you crazy 20 years from now. So I will judge, I will be picky, and you know what I will appreciate and love  the women I have become and am becoming, because now that I FINALLY have self esteem, now that I am finally proud of who I am, now that can finally see that yes, I have flaws, but I am still awesome, I am entitled, to picky and too judgemental. Fuck her; you can’t take away something that has taken years to build, you can’t tell me that I need to settle and be less picky, because there may not be anything else better out there.  

She then moves on to talk about self love, you know loving yourself enough to put yourself first, to be happy with yourself and not need to be in a relationship to be happy, or loving yourself enough to recognize when a relationship isn’t working and it’s just best to walk away. Samantha says, “I’m going to say the one thing you aren’t supposed to say. I love you...but I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.” What the author of the book says is that if you don’t want to end up alone, Samantha’s message is dangerous, proceed with caution, because if you leave that guy that you just don’t love any more, you may regret it, so don’t leave, you stay, and you love him more than you love yourself. You stay in that relationship because the fear of not finding some one who makes you feel on top of the world is greater than any thing else

If you guys could see me right now, I am turning red from anger, I am slamming my keyboard keys because of the message this lady is sending to women, girls, and teenagers everywhere. We are given one life that is it, why would you waste your time being unhappy in a relationship, of any kind? Why would the fear of being alone be that colossal that we stay in a relationship we aren’t happy in! Why would we stop improving ourselves, why would we stop growing to be a better person because we may have to do that journey alone?  

The message this lady is sending absolutely makes me furious, while there are points that I’m sure are valid, the context in which she is delivering them, and her general message that we need someone to be happy, and it’s our fault if we don’t, and here’s a list of the reasons why, is absolutely wrong. I don’t need a list of things I am doing wrong on top of the list of things I am doing wrong in my head, I don’t need to be told that I shouldn’t love myself and I need to settle if I want to be in a relationship, that I need to not judge a man and be too picky because he may eventually bring me some kind of happiness or better yet, he may be the only one to love those qualities that make you, you! Then once you are in that relationship don’t leave if you aren’t happy, don't you even think about putting your happiness first, because you may regret it, because he may just be the last one to want you, you may not find some one else! And that would just be the end of the world. I don’t feel like I need to compromise just because I want a man to be there for me, I don’t need to compromise to get a fairy tale, I don’t want just any man, I want the right one, and compromising won’t get me that.

So to her I say you are wrong, simple as that. Women you be picky, you find a man that you love unconditionally, that makes you happy every day not just happy eventually, that makes you feel on top of the world, and if there comes a time when you aren’t happy and you’ve tried to fix it, it’s okay to love yourself enough to leave, to try again with some one knew or don't try again, and just love yourself. That being alone, out of a relationship, doesn’t mean you are alone, it means that you are content enough with yourself and strong enough to know that just because you don’t have a relationship doesn’t mean you are alone. To the women who read this article and sat back and evaluate their flaws, I am telling you to stop, embrace the things that make you unique, we’ve spent most of our lives cutting ourselves down or getting cut down, don’t, just stop, you are amazing, and beautiful, you do not need some dumb women telling you that it’s your fault you’re alone and maybe you need to sit back and evaluate everything a man may find annoying. You are perfect the way you are and you will find someone who loves those qualities that made it onto your list.

Not all relationships are never ending, some are short stories, some are long novels, but in the end you need to love yourself enough to never stop growing, to never settling, too never stop loving yourself , even if you fear being alone, because the type of women who does all the things she says will be alone, because she doesn’t love herself.

If we lived in a perfect world

Do you know what I want? To be naturally skinny, to be able to eat all the damn cupcakes and ice cream and carbs in the whole world and not have it all go to my huge ass. I’d like to sit down and eat pasta and not feel my ass grow an inch with every bite. I’d like to be able to eat a cup cake and not know that it will take an hour of sweaty intense cardio at the gym. I’d like to be able to drink beer and not worry that it’s going to make my stomach stick out over my pants. I’d like to go home and watch Sons of Anarchy and sit on the couch, instead I am dragging my ass to the gym. Normally I would have energy to go but a tragedy has take place today, while in a rush to not be late for work because boss man called me this morning saying I had to open the shop because his mom is sick I left my house in a hurry, which in turn meant I left my wallet, which means, I don’t have any Red Bull, which means I need a nap. Especially because I did not get one nap this weekend, NOT A SINGLE NAP WAS TO BE HAD ALL WEEKEND! What a tragedy.

The week that lead to me sitting in a parking lot looking like a crack head...part three

Part one is here part two is here

Part 3 – The Melvinator (kind of sounds like a bad ass super villain that destroys the hearts of girls everywhere, well really just mine, because normal people would not be attracted to this hot mess of a man)

It started Saturday, when I invited him out...again...and he declined...again, well first he said maybe, and then he said no, so it was really just more disappointing. Whatever, I am used to it at this point; I carry on and have an awesome Saturday night. But when I don’t hear from him Sunday, I feel a little sad, when I don’t hear from him by Tuesday, I am really sad, by Wednesday I am in breakdown mode, by Thursday I’ve concluded that I will be single forever, why? Because if I remotely have feelings for another male I act a damn fool and scare them away.

What is my solution, I text him, because he totally wants to hear from me right? No he doesn’t, but I do it anyways. I ask him if he wants to hang out Friday night, nope he doesn’t (we really aren’t that shocked are we?), he might possibly have plans, might possibly have plans, the possibility of plans is more attractive than making definite plans with me, or even coordinate another time to hang out, because throwing me a god damn bone (figuratively speaking you perv) would just be too much to ask for at this point.  Nah, he leaves it at that, and so do I. I can’t physically put myself out there anymore, I am standing so far out there by myself yet again it’s almost shocking that I can be in this same situation. But I can be.

You know that game Waka-mole? Melvin is the person playing the game and I am the little mole that pops out of the whole, but he’s really good at the game so he knocks me back into the whole multiple times and I just keep popping back up. Really, he is taking home the big teddy bear. That is my life analogy, Waka-mole. Let that just sink in for a minute...

 

Yep...

 

Sinking in?

 

Goooooooooooodddd....

So there’s that. This happened right before I was leaving work, so I just got rid of the Aussie who cushions my blows from Melvin, I am stressed over the toothless wonder, who has made it his own personal mission to treat me like shit and has now involved my boss instead of talking to me like an adult, and Melvin has made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me...

And because I have the best skin on the plant I have now fully broken out in a stress rash, and because I was dropped on my head as a child I thought that lotion would make it better, but I am allergic to some lotions, so without thinking I put lotion that I am allergic to all over my god forsaken body. GO LIFE!

I get into my car, I pull away from work and I commence into full mental breakdown mode, but I have Jenna’s baby shower on Sunday  so I have to go to the mall so I can get stuff to make a cup cake stand  for the 30 cup cakes and 30 cake pops Dana and I have made, so I am sitting in the parking lot at the mall crying and itching myself because of my stress rash and rash from being allergic to lotions, I look like a crack head. Maybe not a, I ask for change on a street corner crack head, but a upper middle class, white girl, crack head, think Lindsay Lohan, but in a Grand Am not a Escalade or Mercedes, and not as skinny. Why life? Why did I have to be a female, why do females have to have so many fucking feelings, why, why why. Why couldn’t I have been a male, why do I have the stupid ability to care the most for people who don’t care about me, it’s a lovely personality quality.

I get the cup cake stand and I drive to Kermit’s house, well our old house. Judge away my  friends, I walk in and he has wine sitting there for me, well a whole bottle of wine. So I drink and he talks and tells me it will be okay and he makes me feel better, which only throws me more into a downward spiral because how can the man I spent months crying over seem to be the only person who makes me feel better? I guess I’m happy that we can still be friends, that instead of rolling his eyes at my stupidity he listens and comforts me, he seems to get my crazy, and I’m glad that after all the bullshit we went through to this point we are still friends, then there was the silver lining, some glimmer of hope in my tragic white girl problems, he has started internet dating, he has been talking to a girl for a week! You guys must be confused because this is my silver lining, but I truly just want him to happy, I want him to find someone who makes him happy, but if she happens to be ugly than bless her heart. And she was. Well, she wasn’t horrible, but I was writing home about her either. Go ahead; tell me I am a bad person, tell me that I am going to the deepest part of hell for finding happiness in the fact that my ex’s new love interest is not as pretty as I am, go ahead tell me I am shallow and for saying that I will never find love again. I don’t care, it made me happy, and I feel a small sense of victory here. So I left his house and I feel better, I have a grip on my emotions, and maybe realize this is why I was medicated for so long.

The week that lead to me sitting in a parking lot looking like a crack head...part two

If you didn't read part one, you don't really have to, but you can and it's here

Part 2 – The Aussie

The Aussie got back from his little trip Tuesday, I think, he asked me to hang out Wednesday, I declined, because I wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy and dream of marrying Opie and replacing his dead wife (sorry, she dies, it’s so sad, I cried really hard at that part). That’s when the worst thing possible happened on Wednesday night, Netflix wouldn’t work. How am I supposed to pretend to be married to Opie if I can’t see his bad ass ways on the television! Now I am bored, it’s 7 o’clock and I have zero desire to pull out bob and zero desire to go to bed...so I text the Aussie and say I will meet him out for wings, but not before I ask who is there and who is going, I learned my lesson the first time around, he said it was him and two friends, WHO ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH MELVIN, I know this! So I go, I walk in and I see him and ten other people sitting at a table, I walk over and guess who was there...MULAN! JESUS! Damn you Netflix for not working, damn you Justine for not having a hobby, damn you life and my poor decision making skills. WHY DO I NOT HAVE MY OWN T.V SHOW!

The Aussie is tucked away in a corner so I sit on the other side of the table and get death glares from Mulan. It was nice to see that she had her fun bun back in place; I missed her fun bun, it makes me a little happy when she goes back to her jean jacket and fun bun, it brings back such found memories.  The Aussie makes his way over to me and we talk about his trip. The Aussie doesn’t smoke so I say I am going for a smoke to try and get a minute to think about how awkward this is and regroup. He insists on coming with me, but he needs a smoke, which is confusing because he doesn’t smoke. If there are three things you know about me it’s

1.       I make poor decisions when I have to think fast

2.       I don’t like sharing my cigarettes

3.       I am emotionally unstable

But really only number 1 and 2 apply to this situation, well I guess 3 does too, oh fuck it, me being emotionally unstable applies to every situation. So I give him my smoke and we go outside, mid conversation he kisses me. WHAT THE HECK! I didn’t even know what to do, one minute I am talking and the next there is a tongue in my mouth, I’m pretty sure I didn’t kiss him back for the first 15 seconds, I probably just stood there confused with a tongue in my mouth, so weird. And there were people around, I don’t like public displays of affection, to weird, and he was getting all kinds of up in my business, grabbing my butt and I was getting all weird and so I just stopped kissing back and put my cigarette back in my mouth! HA! If there is something in my mouth you can’t get your tongue in there! MUHAHA! QUICK THINKING JUSTINE! SELFHIGH FIVE! The night kind of went like that, and actually the Aussie,he isn’t all that bad, he seems like an okay guy, who just likes to drink, and when he drinks he gets naked, which if you know me, would probably be a disaster when it comes to a relationship, we would never be allowed to go out to parties together.  We would get drunk and naked (in a non sexual way) all over the place and people would think it’s weird that the only two people on the earth who get naked when they drink have found each other. I need someone who will monitor my ability to take off my bra when I drink, not encourage it.

Regardless my emotions are still on a rollercoaster so when I leave I get into my car and just start bawling, no idea why, well I have an idea why, because I think part of me is wanting Melvin to be as enthusiastic c about me as this Aussie guy is. So I cry all the way home, pull myself together and go to bed.

He texts me in the morning and I decide I need to be honest with this guy, the same way I want Melvin to be honest with me, I tell him that I think it will be best if we are just friends, and I mean that, I think he is a good guy, just not really dating material and I can’t see it going anywhere beyond friendship. But while I am happy that I was honest, the sudden panic that I have lost the guy who is my cushion from Melvin rejection is now in the friend zone because I put him there. Which leads to sheer panic that I may have to actually deal with the disappointment I feel from Melvin, which leads to the last part of this story, the person you guys don’t want to hear any more about, Melvin, aren’t you glad I saved him for the last part?

The week that lead to me sitting in a parking lot looking like a crack head...part one

I’ve been on a terror this week, not a drinking terror, I wouldn’t complain about that, I am on a “I hate the whole world, die die die” terror. Seriously, my emotions are running ramped this week, I’ve never been so bitchy for so long ever. My ability to hold in sarcastic, mean comments is nonexistent this week, so what does that mean for you? You get to sit tight and listen to my three part story, I am going to break it down by douche bag, I mean man for you and how it all lead to the full mental break down that commenced last night.

Part one – The toothless wonder

If you’ve ever worked with women you know that it sucks, I’ve spent a lot of time working with all women.  At 16 I worked at Aldo, with 12 other girl, at 18 I work at a tanning salon with 16 other girls, I’ve worked in offices with old bitchy secretaries, I’ve worked with young dumb girls, and there is only one thing I can conclude from spending so many years working with women, the only thing worse than working with women is working with males.

You women are probably sitting there going “uh Justine you are an idiot, clearly you have no idea what you are talking about...in any aspect of life.” But I do, at least in this area; clearly I am an idiot when it comes to dating or men still, but work environment in the men vs. women section I know what I am talking about. Men trick you, you think that women are back stabbing and manipulative, she is nothing compared to a man, at least with women you can turn around and be back stabbing and manipulative back, or get drunk and have a heart to heart and be friends, men though...they make your life hell, to your face, and in a way that you can’t even retaliate.

Which brings me to the pot smoking, coke snorting, toothless, 50 year old dead beat that works with me; he is a glorious specimen of trailer trash who has made it his mission to make my life a living hell. It all started last week, when boss man made me go pick him up for work because he was hung over and didn’t show up for work for the fifth time in two weeks, wait I’m sorry, he had food poisoning, my bad, he got it from all the beer he consumed the night before. Nowhere in my job description does it say

-          Pick up drunk loser so he comes to work

-          Make sure drunk loser gets to work

-          Deal with hung over asshole at work

But I did it, because if I don’t do what my boss tells me too he makes sure my life is an even bigger hell.  The toothless wonder was pissed that I showed up at his door step, at 8 in the morning asking why he wasn’t at work and this started the fight between me and the toothless wonder.

It started when he showed up for work on Monday; now generally I do whatever the shop guys ask and it always goes without a thank you, this includes but is not limited to, getting their lunch, ordering high school transcripts, driving them around, picking them up so they can make it to work, answer all their questions (generally after work hours on my time), book their dentist and doctors appointments, basically everything but suck their dicks and wipe their asses. This week though, my level of bitch outweighed my desire to be nice, I came to work, I did my job, and I did not go over and above my job description for these men. So Monday afternoon I was out having my smoke, my one saving grace in the afternoon, the one thing that stops me from murdering most of my co-workers, and the one thing that keeps me sane. I was sitting in a chair smoking, in a room with only one other person, leaving a total of 15, (FIFTEEN, yep that’s a one and then a five) other chairs to sit at, the toothless wonder came in and put his drink, smoke and lighter in front of where I was sitting,

“You’re in my spot”

Are you 10? Really, is there assigned seating and I missed the fucking memo? Did something happen over the weekend that you started signing my paycheques so you think I will do what you tell me to do?

I hold in my anger and nicely say, “Would you like me to move?”

That took a lot for me; I was being nice, when everything in my wanted to punch him in the face and knock out the two fucking teeth he has left.

“Ya, cause I don’t work all day or anything and sorry what do you do?”

I ignore the fact that he just cut me down and said I don’t do anything all day at work, I don’t do the jobs of 5 people every single day plus do all YOUR fucking running around. I don’t make sure you show up to work, I don’t do anything all day but sit around and eat bon bon’s. You are absolutely right. I put out my smoke and remind myself that orange is not a good color on me and I can’t go to jail.

I come to work Tuesday, I am now even more enraged, even bitchier, I don’t know why, I just am, and I can’t even fully blame toothless wonder at this point. I took my lunch later than usual so I thought I could avoid the toothless wonder in the smoke room. I walk into the smoke room, there are now two other people in the room so that means there are still 14 chairs. He walks in, now if I was in a good mood I would have moved, I would have not made it a point to sit in *his*chair on the off chance he came into the room, but I am on a war path and I fight like a women. He again puts all his shit in front of me and goes you are in my spot.

Well thank you captain obvious, your observation has not gone unnoticed, you advance to the next level of retardation! I can’t contain myself; it just came out of my mouth,

“Are you that stupid that you do not see the one, two, three...(I count to fourteen, although I think I lost him at 10) other chairs that you can sit in, is it really that hard to take another two steps to a different chair?”

He sits in another chair, good toothy; you sit there and think about how stupid you are.

Obviously every one can tell I am grumpy at this point, so what happened next was out of my control, Toothy’s best friend says to me “you’re bitchy this week,” yes you dense brown man I am, looks like you are still stupid this week. Then his bff of life goes  “Hey Justine, if you go anywhere this afternoon can you take my car?” A car that doesn’t have registration, a car that is held together with duct tape, a car that is basically a death wish waiting to happen, sure, why not! I ask why, which was a mistake. “I have my friend’s dog in the car and so it would be nice if you could take her for a walk.” I hate other people’s dogs, unless they are a puppy, but other people’s dogs are not my cup of tea, a pit pull, so not my cup of tea, so the following conversation happened:

 “Do I look like a dog walker to you? No, deal with the dog yourself”

“Ya but the dog might get thirsty.”

“You didn’t leave the dog water?”

“What was I suppose to do, I didn’t want to leave it at home!”

“So you took it from your apartment, to a small, hot vehicle, with no water, or food. You are an idiot, please for the love of God never reproduce.”

I left work that day, dreading the next day. My ability to deal with stupid people has dwindled down to shocking new level of low. But I did come into work the next day, and it went like this...

The toothless wonder brought me a packing slip, at 8:07, in the morning, no one is happy at 8:07 in the morning; I can guarantee you when Noah constructed the ark he was not happy at 8:07 in the morning, the only time you are happy at 8:07 is Christmas morning and that’s because there is the promise of presents and food, if he would have brought me a present and food I would have been happy, as it turns out it was just a packing slip. He brings me the packing slip I go “thanks” an appropriate response for 8:07 in the fucking morning. He goes...”you could be a little happy, bitch.” Excuse me? Don’t make me get all ghetto on you because I will, I will show you a whole new side of me that I like to call Sheniqua and let me tell you, she is less than lady like and she will get up and kick your white trailer park trash ass. Would you like a hero cookie and a round of applause for doing your job? I don’t get one for mine so shove it. The rest of the day went like that between us, I won’t get into more details, you get at this point that toothy is a giant dick head, so at 4:30 when I went to leave this hell whole I was stopped by another worker and he let me in on a little bit of information...the toothless wonder went and complained to boss man about my poor attitude. My poor attitude? Right, let me just be overjoyed to deal with you every single day of my life for the last year and a half, Monday through to Friday. Let me just be so fucking happy that I get to look at your gummy smile and bad personal hygiene, let me be ecstatic that I get to smell the remains of your beers from last night because you don’t know how to shower, let me be excited to hear how some hottie from the restaurant across the street totally ask you out on a date, even though she is 18 looks like Megan Fox and has huge fake tits, of courses she wants to go out on a date with you, how could she not? You are just so fucking charming. So boss man now thinks I am a giant bitch and is treating me as such, why you ask? Because boss man loves toothy like he is the king of the trailer park, and boss man already hates me. Do you think boss man would ask me why I am a bitch to toothy? Of course not, he is just going to continue to be a dick to me until I snap and he has a reason to let me go.

I walked out of work and lost it, but not in a Sheniqua way, in a Justine is on the brink of a mental down way... so that is aspect numeral uno of the full fledge break down that commenced last night.

My life in a nutshell.

Let me break down my life for you

What I wanted:




Why I am dumb:





You guys are all like:




Now I'm all like:




So that's where I'm at. Happy Thursday. I'll be drowning my sorrow with ice cream and chocolate. And one more just because...

Thanks again Facebook

We are now just over two months past Valentine’s day, which means my Facebook news feed is filled up with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy is a life changing adventure most people are thrilled to embark on, I am not (but you already know that), maybe one day, but right now I am good with drinking wine and not puking every morning, unless it’s wine induced puking. I am fairly certain prenatal classes with Jenna ruined any chance I had for wanting kids, really once you see a baby’s head crowning there isn’t any turning back, especially when the movie was shot in the 80’s, which means hairy muff. People have normal reactions to baby announcements

1.       That is so amazing

2.       Congratulations

3.       I am so happy for the couple

 

I don’t have this reactions, my reactions go like this

1.       Ew, that means they had sex. Great, thanks for that image now burned into my brain

2.       I really hope that fetus doesn’t get his nose, that would be tragic for that child

3.       Are you sure you should be reproducing, that doesn’t seem like a good idea to me

 

There is something wrong with me. Those are not normal reactions. Furthermore, with all the pregnancy announcements I’ve had to think about all these people I haven’t seen in years having sex, which confirms my lack of, thanks Facebook for once again reminding me about how awesome I am.

One and one and one makes three...or a really awkward night

I had the best intentions last night. I really did. It started off as a casual drink with the Aussie and well...now I’m at work with three hours of sleep and a head ache. The head ache is probably from the events that occurred last night, not the amount of beer I consumed, that must be it.

The Aussie started trying to talk me into going for a drink around 11...a.m... I was obviously holding out in hopes that Melvin would ask me to hang out, but by 7 o’clock he hadn’t asked me to hang out so I agreed to go for a drink with the Aussie man. Here is the beauty of all of this, he is friends with Melvin’s friend, where did we go? Melvin’s good friend’s house. I was sitting there drinking my beer, in a corner, on the opposite side of the room as the Aussie because this was just too awkward to handle when someone said “well should we get going?” Going? Where are we going? I am pretty wrapped up in this show about bats we are watching, why can’t we just stay here...we don’t need to leave. Trust me. But obviously I am just along for the ride in this adventure so my opinion doesn’t matter. Where are we going you ask? Let me tell you...the dirty. This place is a black hole, you just get sucked it, you never just stay for one in this place, never has any one walked into this place had a beer and left. No, you’ll have like twenty beers and a pile of bad choices by the time you leave. So off we went and I knew where this night was heading. You think this would just be the end of the story right, you probably are sitting there saying “oh Justine, you silly kitten, that isn’t that bad, a couple beers on a Thursday, pfft I’ve done that before.” And you’d be right, if that’s where the story stopped. It doesn’t, God likes to spite me for my bad choice, or I just have a knack for putting myself into bad situations, probably a bit of both.

On the drive over someone asked who was all going to be there, after I heard the answer I seriously contemplated hurling myself out of a moving vehicle. Like unbuckle my seatbelt, get the vehicle up to warp speed and tuck and dive onto the pavement.

He listed off some names, and then he said it...Skipper...and...Melvin.

Fuck.

Off.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SAVE MY ALLAH, STRAP ME TO A BOMB AND LET ME GO TO MY 72 VIRGINS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL. ARE YOU JOKING? YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING RIGHT NOW. WHY DO I CONTINUALLY PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME AND WATCH DUCK DYNASTY LIKE I HAD PLANNED. PANIC. I AM PANICING. HOLY CHRIST, JESUS, ALLAH, AND BRITTNEY MURPHY WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

Upon arrival I looked around and noticed that I was safe, they weren’t there. I’ll have a beer and get the hell out of dodge, mission accomplished right? Wrong, Nikki showed up, so well, I was done for, one beer turned into three and now my ride home (the Aussie, he’s still kicking around) is slightly inebriated and probably shouldn’t drive. Nikki and I go for a smoke and that is when I see Skipper walking up. Sheer and utter panic struck me. Let me remind you that this is the first time we’ve seen each other since the great encounter at Melvin’s house. At least this time I had pants on. There’s the silver lining in this whole mess I guess.

Then that Mulan girl who hates my guts shows up, great, all that’s missing midget and we could turn this into a reality TV show. On the plus side Mulan had on a different outfit for the first time ever! YAY Mulan!

The night was complete when Melvin showed up and I was sitting with the Aussie to my left, Melvin to my right and Skipper across from me.  Well this isn’t exactly how I pictured my first awkward encounter with Melvin and Skipper in the same room, and I really didn’t expect to be there with another guy, but I guess this is better than Sunday brunch at their mom’s house, at least in this situation I can drown the awkwardness in beer.

Skipper doesn’t stick around long, but he leaves Mulan, which is good because she is just my biggest fan (apparently they are still together, good for them), and I spend the majority of the night dodging the Aussie to be around Melvin. See the Aussie isn’t all that bad and I kind of feel bad because really, I just like Melvin and the Aussie is more of my cushion, but I’ve been assured by a mutual friend that he doesn’t do relationships and really, he could be deported at anytime so it’s best not to get invested with this one. But he seems okay none the else;  most of the time I don’t know what he’s saying, but what I seem to catch loud and clear is his attempts to sleep with me, so while he is offering me his place to sleep at and Melvin is sitting beside me, it makes for an interesting night.

Around 12:30 I knew my night had to end, I had had enough of Mulan and well...I had to work the next day, now that the Aussie was too drunk to drive, thanks to my encouragement, (the more he drank, the longer I could stay and talk to Melvin) we had to get a taxi.  We take the taxi to my house first, he asks to come in, I quickly shoot down that idea, just what my mom wants to wake up too, hi mom just leaving for work, there’s this Aussie down stairs, don’t mind him, I’m sure he will be gone soon, he’s suppose to drive to Seattle at some point today.  I go down stairs and I text Melvin, well needless to say within five minutes I was on my way to pick him up and we went back to his house. We mixed a drink and started talking, then that mother fucker told me I was confusing! Here we go, the king of hot and cold has informed me that I am confusing. He knows how I feel, you know how I feel, hell the lady at the grocery store almost knew how I feel. Are you guys confused with how I feel? I’ll break it down for you

Justine has a grade 8 style crush on Melvin

Melvin confuses Justine (probably due to her lack of patience and girl logic and general stupidity when it comes to him)

Justine uses other boys to cushion blow from Melvin’s confusion

Melvin does something funny/sweet/cute

Justine goes back to Melvin

Justine gets drunk and spills every emotion she has to Melvin because she is an idiot

Justine feels stupid for being an idiot and vows to get a grip and pony up about this situation

Justine goes back to step one and the cycle repeats

So that’s where my night ended, I went to bed, after being part of a three ring circus all night I was exhausted. I am even more exhausted today. I vow to make better choices next week and not weekday drink, because I am not 18 anymore. I’d like to thank boss man for noticing that I am hung over and ordering pizza today. I am going to eat that pizza and have a nap under my desk. If anyone needs me that’s where I will be.

I think I'm onto something here

I ran into an old friend last week when I was leaving some friends apartment, it’s one of those situation where we’ve said a million times that we should get together then it just never happens, not because you don’t like the person but because you have very different, very busy lives and you just don’t make seeing that person a priority in your life anymore.  When I was leaving the elevator she was walking in, so we decided to go upstairs and have a drink together and catch up.

She used to be one of my best friends, I’ve talked about the girls I was close with before, these girls where my life, through boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, drunk nights, parents divorcing, pregnancy, everything, they were more my sisters than friends. Sadly things change and after a fight with one girl things just weren’t repairable and I lost a group of girlfriends that meant the world to me. But just because our friendship didn’t last doesn’t mean I don’t wish them the best. I think that people assume that just because a relationship, of any kind, fails it means that you can’t still hope the best for someone and look back and remember all the memories you created with affection. A lot of the time after a failed relationships you look back and only have negative feelings for the person, after all it’s easier to look back and have negative feelings than positive ones that leave you missing that relationship. If you let yourself miss the memories you created often you don’t know the difference between missing the person and missing the memories, there is a difference, a very narrow difference but a difference none the less.

While we were sitting and talking the inevitable question came up, “don’t you miss hanging out with us, we miss you.” It was the first time since letting go of all the negative feelings towards them I’d ask myself that question; did I miss hanging out with them? No...I didn’t, I miss the memories we created, but those were events, not the actual people. Missing the actual person though, no, I am happy with where I am now. I feel extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life now, and I really do, the friendships I have now are different, not better or worse, just different. Do I still want happiness for the girls that helped make me the person I am today, absolutely, but do I want to try to fix what is broken, no, I don’t need to fix what is broken when I have amazing relationships that are not broken. It’s a harsh reality, how could I not want to try and salvage the relationships that once meant so much to me? Because at the end of the day, I have relationships now that aren’t broken, that are constructive and positive and that is where I want to focus my energy.

I thought about my feelings towards Kermit, they are kind of the same, there was a time when I was mad, hurt, angry, and felt defeated by the deterioration of our relationship, I felt like once they were gone, I had nothing. Maybe it’s not healthy to let people have so much of you, but that’s how I love, I will give you all of me, everything, without boundaries, so if the relationship fails I’m left with the feelings of defeat, like I’ve failed because I couldn’t salvage the relationship. Somewhere after my break up Kermit I learned how to deal with those feelings more positively, I learned to let go and realize that because you couldn’t salvage the broken relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you are left with nothing. Sometimes relationships will fail, it’s inevitable, but just because the relationship failed it doesn’t discount the memories you created with them, so cherish those memories, look back and smile and remember the people you created them with because those were the people who helped make you who you are today. And if you can look back on those memories with fondness instead of longing, I think it means you’ve let go...fully let go. So I’ll always be thankful for those girls, I will always cherish the time we spent together, the road trips, the adventures, the bad choices that lead to the best nights, the tears we shed over the boys we don’t remember, the late night talks, the nights spent dancing till the sun came up, every inside joke, I will remember the times we laughed till we cried, and everything in between, because some of my best years were spent with them...but things change and sometimes you just have to let go and smile.