When I was in my late teen years I had a group of
girlfriends and we were best friends. There was a group of us who thought we
would grow up together, have kids, wear Chanel and pretty much be like Carrie,
Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. New people would come in but for the most part
there was a solid group who would have been able to look back when we were 30
and remember that crazy girl’s trip to B.C or the Tuesday night we took a
stripper to the bar. But I guess people change and things happen you can’t take
back and words hurt you to much to move past.
I have a hard time letting go of people. Generally when I
like you, you are stuck with me for life unless you become so crazy I can’t
handle you. But I tend to hold onto people because I am some what of a nice
person and just want to make people happy and silly me, I bought into the idea
that Sex and the City plays up that just because life goes a million different
directions you friends are there for you. Not always the case.
But I am blessed
enough to say that over the years I’ve accumulated a couple of friends who have
been there through thick and thin, but what I am talking about is the friends
you thought you would have forever then one morning you wake up and realize you
aren’t really friends with that person at all any more.
I started to think about all the relationships I had formed
with different girls and how most of my girlfriends from my early teens I
simply just don’t talk to any more and then I compare them to the few I have
left and realize how lucky I am to be blessed with a handful of amazing
friends. But part of me still misses the group of girls who helped form me into
this completely lost person I am today. I kept thinking how we had grown apart
or lost contact and become different people, or in one girl in particular
things just got so twisted and fucked up I snapped. I remembered sitting around
for hung over Sunday’s drinking Caesar’s and talking about our drunken
adventures. Part of me missed that and being the emotion cutter I am couldn’t
or wouldn’t let it go. I would try to patch things with them and it just
continually didn’t work or when I would hang out with them I would come home and
be in complete shock of how different we were now.
For the last little while I have been extremely upset about
this. I just felt alone and I would see then with there stupid baby pictures on
Facebook and it would just suck. I mean hell we are twenty three people! I am
not behind on the baby timeline I just know how to properly use birth control
and don’t feel the need to make a bad relationship work with a man that doesn’t
love me or I don’t love him! I don’t feel the need to continually talk about myself
(at least in person, I realize I am writing a blog about myself) and I am an appropriate
level of crazy, my life isn’t always filled with drama and generally I just talk
about my shitty job and my crazy days. I don’t have fights with girls because they’ve
spelt with my boyfriend, I don’t sleep with friends boyfriends, I don’t get charged
with assault, I don’t say I love a guy after dating for two week only to break up
with him a month later. I am a normal level of crazy.
But for some reason I
hold onto these “friendships” not wanting to let go. But last night I had an
amazing skype date with two of the best girls who sadly live on the other side
of Canada and aren't there to always talk sense into me. Abby said to me
“if you want to be friends with the type of people who can manipulate you into feeling this way that seems a little crazy even for you. Justine, they shot gun beers at a baby’s baptism. I don’t think you are missing out on much”
For some reason it took me hearing it from her to realize that
even though letting go isn’t easy, some times it’s just better to move on and let
relationships pass because its better for you in the long run. So that is what I
am going to do, learn to let toxic relationships with people go. So if ever I am telling you about my shitty encounter with a guy I used to sleep with and your response is
"doesn't my hair look fabulus today. God I look awesome"
I probably wont answer and now will just walk away.
I know this was a sappy
post but this blog is about me finding my way and I feel like in the friend department
I’ve made headway. So bravo to me and thank you to the girls who are always there
for me, Jenna, Dana, Abby, Christina, even when we are a million miles away, having
a baby and having our world turned upside down you are the best
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