One and one and one makes three...or a really awkward night

I had the best intentions last night. I really did. It started off as a casual drink with the Aussie and well...now I’m at work with three hours of sleep and a head ache. The head ache is probably from the events that occurred last night, not the amount of beer I consumed, that must be it.

The Aussie started trying to talk me into going for a drink around 11...a.m... I was obviously holding out in hopes that Melvin would ask me to hang out, but by 7 o’clock he hadn’t asked me to hang out so I agreed to go for a drink with the Aussie man. Here is the beauty of all of this, he is friends with Melvin’s friend, where did we go? Melvin’s good friend’s house. I was sitting there drinking my beer, in a corner, on the opposite side of the room as the Aussie because this was just too awkward to handle when someone said “well should we get going?” Going? Where are we going? I am pretty wrapped up in this show about bats we are watching, why can’t we just stay here...we don’t need to leave. Trust me. But obviously I am just along for the ride in this adventure so my opinion doesn’t matter. Where are we going you ask? Let me tell you...the dirty. This place is a black hole, you just get sucked it, you never just stay for one in this place, never has any one walked into this place had a beer and left. No, you’ll have like twenty beers and a pile of bad choices by the time you leave. So off we went and I knew where this night was heading. You think this would just be the end of the story right, you probably are sitting there saying “oh Justine, you silly kitten, that isn’t that bad, a couple beers on a Thursday, pfft I’ve done that before.” And you’d be right, if that’s where the story stopped. It doesn’t, God likes to spite me for my bad choice, or I just have a knack for putting myself into bad situations, probably a bit of both.

On the drive over someone asked who was all going to be there, after I heard the answer I seriously contemplated hurling myself out of a moving vehicle. Like unbuckle my seatbelt, get the vehicle up to warp speed and tuck and dive onto the pavement.

He listed off some names, and then he said it...Skipper...and...Melvin.

Fuck.

Off.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SAVE MY ALLAH, STRAP ME TO A BOMB AND LET ME GO TO MY 72 VIRGINS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL. ARE YOU JOKING? YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING RIGHT NOW. WHY DO I CONTINUALLY PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME AND WATCH DUCK DYNASTY LIKE I HAD PLANNED. PANIC. I AM PANICING. HOLY CHRIST, JESUS, ALLAH, AND BRITTNEY MURPHY WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

Upon arrival I looked around and noticed that I was safe, they weren’t there. I’ll have a beer and get the hell out of dodge, mission accomplished right? Wrong, Nikki showed up, so well, I was done for, one beer turned into three and now my ride home (the Aussie, he’s still kicking around) is slightly inebriated and probably shouldn’t drive. Nikki and I go for a smoke and that is when I see Skipper walking up. Sheer and utter panic struck me. Let me remind you that this is the first time we’ve seen each other since the great encounter at Melvin’s house. At least this time I had pants on. There’s the silver lining in this whole mess I guess.

Then that Mulan girl who hates my guts shows up, great, all that’s missing midget and we could turn this into a reality TV show. On the plus side Mulan had on a different outfit for the first time ever! YAY Mulan!

The night was complete when Melvin showed up and I was sitting with the Aussie to my left, Melvin to my right and Skipper across from me.  Well this isn’t exactly how I pictured my first awkward encounter with Melvin and Skipper in the same room, and I really didn’t expect to be there with another guy, but I guess this is better than Sunday brunch at their mom’s house, at least in this situation I can drown the awkwardness in beer.

Skipper doesn’t stick around long, but he leaves Mulan, which is good because she is just my biggest fan (apparently they are still together, good for them), and I spend the majority of the night dodging the Aussie to be around Melvin. See the Aussie isn’t all that bad and I kind of feel bad because really, I just like Melvin and the Aussie is more of my cushion, but I’ve been assured by a mutual friend that he doesn’t do relationships and really, he could be deported at anytime so it’s best not to get invested with this one. But he seems okay none the else;  most of the time I don’t know what he’s saying, but what I seem to catch loud and clear is his attempts to sleep with me, so while he is offering me his place to sleep at and Melvin is sitting beside me, it makes for an interesting night.

Around 12:30 I knew my night had to end, I had had enough of Mulan and well...I had to work the next day, now that the Aussie was too drunk to drive, thanks to my encouragement, (the more he drank, the longer I could stay and talk to Melvin) we had to get a taxi.  We take the taxi to my house first, he asks to come in, I quickly shoot down that idea, just what my mom wants to wake up too, hi mom just leaving for work, there’s this Aussie down stairs, don’t mind him, I’m sure he will be gone soon, he’s suppose to drive to Seattle at some point today.  I go down stairs and I text Melvin, well needless to say within five minutes I was on my way to pick him up and we went back to his house. We mixed a drink and started talking, then that mother fucker told me I was confusing! Here we go, the king of hot and cold has informed me that I am confusing. He knows how I feel, you know how I feel, hell the lady at the grocery store almost knew how I feel. Are you guys confused with how I feel? I’ll break it down for you

Justine has a grade 8 style crush on Melvin

Melvin confuses Justine (probably due to her lack of patience and girl logic and general stupidity when it comes to him)

Justine uses other boys to cushion blow from Melvin’s confusion

Melvin does something funny/sweet/cute

Justine goes back to Melvin

Justine gets drunk and spills every emotion she has to Melvin because she is an idiot

Justine feels stupid for being an idiot and vows to get a grip and pony up about this situation

Justine goes back to step one and the cycle repeats

So that’s where my night ended, I went to bed, after being part of a three ring circus all night I was exhausted. I am even more exhausted today. I vow to make better choices next week and not weekday drink, because I am not 18 anymore. I’d like to thank boss man for noticing that I am hung over and ordering pizza today. I am going to eat that pizza and have a nap under my desk. If anyone needs me that’s where I will be.

I think I'm onto something here

I ran into an old friend last week when I was leaving some friends apartment, it’s one of those situation where we’ve said a million times that we should get together then it just never happens, not because you don’t like the person but because you have very different, very busy lives and you just don’t make seeing that person a priority in your life anymore.  When I was leaving the elevator she was walking in, so we decided to go upstairs and have a drink together and catch up.

She used to be one of my best friends, I’ve talked about the girls I was close with before, these girls where my life, through boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, drunk nights, parents divorcing, pregnancy, everything, they were more my sisters than friends. Sadly things change and after a fight with one girl things just weren’t repairable and I lost a group of girlfriends that meant the world to me. But just because our friendship didn’t last doesn’t mean I don’t wish them the best. I think that people assume that just because a relationship, of any kind, fails it means that you can’t still hope the best for someone and look back and remember all the memories you created with affection. A lot of the time after a failed relationships you look back and only have negative feelings for the person, after all it’s easier to look back and have negative feelings than positive ones that leave you missing that relationship. If you let yourself miss the memories you created often you don’t know the difference between missing the person and missing the memories, there is a difference, a very narrow difference but a difference none the less.

While we were sitting and talking the inevitable question came up, “don’t you miss hanging out with us, we miss you.” It was the first time since letting go of all the negative feelings towards them I’d ask myself that question; did I miss hanging out with them? No...I didn’t, I miss the memories we created, but those were events, not the actual people. Missing the actual person though, no, I am happy with where I am now. I feel extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life now, and I really do, the friendships I have now are different, not better or worse, just different. Do I still want happiness for the girls that helped make me the person I am today, absolutely, but do I want to try to fix what is broken, no, I don’t need to fix what is broken when I have amazing relationships that are not broken. It’s a harsh reality, how could I not want to try and salvage the relationships that once meant so much to me? Because at the end of the day, I have relationships now that aren’t broken, that are constructive and positive and that is where I want to focus my energy.

I thought about my feelings towards Kermit, they are kind of the same, there was a time when I was mad, hurt, angry, and felt defeated by the deterioration of our relationship, I felt like once they were gone, I had nothing. Maybe it’s not healthy to let people have so much of you, but that’s how I love, I will give you all of me, everything, without boundaries, so if the relationship fails I’m left with the feelings of defeat, like I’ve failed because I couldn’t salvage the relationship. Somewhere after my break up Kermit I learned how to deal with those feelings more positively, I learned to let go and realize that because you couldn’t salvage the broken relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you are left with nothing. Sometimes relationships will fail, it’s inevitable, but just because the relationship failed it doesn’t discount the memories you created with them, so cherish those memories, look back and smile and remember the people you created them with because those were the people who helped make you who you are today. And if you can look back on those memories with fondness instead of longing, I think it means you’ve let go...fully let go. So I’ll always be thankful for those girls, I will always cherish the time we spent together, the road trips, the adventures, the bad choices that lead to the best nights, the tears we shed over the boys we don’t remember, the late night talks, the nights spent dancing till the sun came up, every inside joke, I will remember the times we laughed till we cried, and everything in between, because some of my best years were spent with them...but things change and sometimes you just have to let go and smile.

They call me Janelle...that's not my name?

When I drink I think I am a genius, a smart, funny, dating mastermind; I am not, I am an idiot, do not let me tell you any different. Friday night I went out with Nikki (remember her? Friend from college, excellent drinking partner, real classy lady), Melvin was there, but so where about 10 other guys. Nikki really is a single girl’s best friend, she  has a boyfriend who has mounds of single friends, Nikki is like the Easter Bunny, but instead of hiding chocolate she hides away single guys and you find them hidden one by one.  It’s a magical thing and every single girl needs a Nikki in her tool belt.

She took me to a new pub and we commenced a night of drinking. In order to make Melvin jealous I didn’t stop this Australian guy from talking to me all night, great plan right? It actually was until somehow me and the aussie got onto the topic that our city had a sex show all weekend and I had never been before, they have it every year and apparently it’s a good time. So when he said we should go tomorrow, I thought fuck it, sure I’ll agree and in a drunken mind frame this seemed like a great idea! A guy I’ve known less than 2 hours and a sex show, how can this go wrong! This is where normal people would be like oh wait, bad idea, not me, I don’t see the downfall to this plan. He asks for my number and of course because I am all wastey pants, I give it to him. As a side note, I really think the whole make Melvin jealous thing did help because he gradually spent the night sitting closer and closer to me and serenaded me with a song while he was singing karaoke, which by the way, made my heart go all kinds of melty and made me just swoon even more for this man, but this story isn’t about Melvin, so I’ll get back to the point.

When the aussie texted me the next day asking if I was still interested in going to the show my night flashed the less before my eyes, oh fuck I did agree, damn. He said he would pick me up at three, great, now my hung over ass has to get ready and go look at vibrators and other things with a man I’ve talked to for a short period of time, a short drunken period of time none.  This should be great!

There is another downfall here that makes this whole event even better; I can’t understand a damn thing this man says, he has a full blown accent and he could be saying “I’m going to take you down a dirt road and leave you there” and I would have no idea, I just nod and smile to 90 percent of what he is saying.

So he came and picked me up, right on time, which is a bonus for him, and we head to the sex show.  Things are going well; I remember his name and the parts of our conversation that I could understand from our night before. I remember that he played rugby for a club in Shitville and he informs me that he has friends who are working security at the sex show, because you know, sex shows can get pretty out of control at 3 in the afternoon. We walk in and immediately he see’s people he knows, great. Now I’m confused if this is a date or just two people hanging out, or what, but regardless, I believe introductions to friends on the first date is just awkward. I’ll do it, I’ll be polite, but can’t we just avoid eye contact with all friends till the third date because then I really never know how to handle myself in these situations. That may make me weird but I feel like I can’t really jump into the conversation in fear of saying something wrong or overhearing something that you don’t disclose on a first date, so I just like to avoid these situations, he doesn’t, he says “aw can’t be rude, better go say ‘ello to my mates” and I’m like all like “uuhhh what did you just say? Where are we going? AHHHHH follow, okay, I’ll just follow!”

I’d like to point out that we talked for one night and we were both drunk and so when we walked up to his friends I wasn’t really sure how the introduction would go...but what happened next I wasn’t sure how to handle. Maybe someone smarter could have figured out what to do, thought better on their feet, or found a way to avoid the situation entirely, I am not that person, and we all know how I handle pressure situations; fucking horribly.

He introduces me to a group of guys...”this is Janelle.” The first time, I wasn’t sure if it was just his aussie accent trying to say Justine or if he really did just say the wrong name, but it was confirmed when another guy from this rugby club came up and he said it again...”’ello mate, this is Janelle.” That’s not my name, close, but not really, but do I correct him, because that would just make it awkward. I could just be like “oh hey nice to meet you, but that isn’t actually my name! I just met this guy drunk last night and now we are at the sex show so don’t give him a hard time, I could barely remember what he looked like this morning!” But if you don’t correct then he will just keep thinking that that is my name and well how long do I wait to correct him? If things go well do I just change my name and never tell him that my actual name is Justine, not Janelle. I went for option two...I’m just going to wait it out.

After awkwardly walking around the sex show he asks if I want to go back to his house for a beer, well I’m three drinks in, you don’t know my actual name and I don’t turn down free alcohol so why the hell not! We get back to his house and I sit down on the couch and start drinking beer, we are talking about a mutual friend that he lived with and I played soccer with and went to Europe with when he asks the question, “Would you like to see some Australian money?” Funny little aussie guy, I may be four drinks in but I know that means going into your bedroom, I am not venturing into there, even if we just spent the afternoon watching pole dancers and looking at vibrators. I start laughing hysterically and he doesn’t seem to understand why, I think it’s funny that he thinks that line would work, he doesn’t see the humour in it, so I say no, I’m not a hooker, money doesn’t get me into your bedroom, again he doesn’t laugh, and I’m left thinking maybe guys don’t appreciate my sense of humour as much as I do.

I left shortly after that and he drove me home, still not knowing my real name, not thinking I’m as funny as I do and probably confused as to why a girl who was willing to go to a sex show was not willing to go check out his Australian money. Ah the perks of going on a date with me.

Excuse me, can you go fuck yourself?

I gave the last boot to awkward man on Sunday afternoon. After giving him the benefit of the doubt way to many times I finally had to put an end to it. See, he started out as that shy awkward man that made a horrible first impression, and then he turned into a slightly witty guy who didn’t seem horrible, but okay enough to preoccupy my time and stop me from obsessing over Melvin,( who by the way did the cutest thing ever on Friday night, leaving me completely smitten). But then awkward man took a turn for the worse, he became bossy, very bossy, and I do not do bossy. I don’t need to wear the pants, but if you are going to tell me what to do it better only be in bed.

Friday night he came back into town from being gone from work, he let me know that morning, I had already had plans, plans to get Nikki’s hung over ass out of bed so we could go drink with Melvin, but plans none the less.  So I made definite plans to go to a party on Saturday with Awkward Man. While I was out for drinks I tried to confirm that he was for sure coming tomorrow

Me- “so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

AM- “are you coming over tonight”

Me - “no, I have plans, I told you that”

AM - “Then that’s your answer.”

Me- “Fine have a good night”

It was really no sweat off my back, come or don’t come, I don’t really care, I don’t like you enough to care, you are a bad kisser and are generally pretty blah, so if you think that I’m changing my plans to accommodate you, you have another thing coming pal. And if you think I’m coming over after I’ve been drinking and you’ve been drinking then you are completely retarded.

When I arrived home Saturday afternoon from Melvin’s, Awkward man had texted me, he asked me what the plan was for the night. Are you confused? I was confused, and slightly over his bipolar, multiple personality episodes. We agree that I would pick him up at 9 and I went for a nap. When I woke up I reminded him that it was tight and bright. He said he wasn’t dressing up. I love theme parties, absolutely love them, I hate the people that are to cool to dress up. You don’t look cool, you look like the type of person who sucks fun out of life and I hate you. By him telling me he wasn’t dressing up it automatically made me not like him. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself I don’t even want to be in your presence, so I was annoyed when he said that I hadn’t told him it was a dress up party. I’d like to avert your eyes to the text above where I said...

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let me just repeat that in case you are as dense as this mother fucker

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let’s not even count the times I VERBALLY said it on the phone. It was written down for him in text, text that you read, text that I can use as proof that I did in fact say it was a tight and bright party.

Now I’ve given my single fuck away and no more will be given to this man. I left my house and was on my way to pick him up. What happened next can only lead me to conclude this man has a delusional sense of self-importance and his mother must have told him repeatedly how awesome he was, because that is the only theory that makes sense to me.

Me- “I’m on my way”

AM – “We aren’t leaving right away”

Me – “yes we are”

AM- “this is not a democracy.”  (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YES IT IS!)

AM- “and besides my brothers want party so watch your tone  :P” (OH NO YOU DIDN’T!)

ME- “you just party with your brothers, I’m not picking you up, I’m already late, have a good night.”

What the fuck. Who do you think you are? I do not wait around for anyone (unless they are named Melvin). And you are very right this isn’t a democracy, it’s a I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want ocracy, and no way is a man I’ve been on four dates with going to tell me what I can and cannot do, sorry buddy you just blew it. I don’t know about you, but I thought that the tone of my text was very clear that I was not impressed, that maybe you should send an apology for being a giant bag of douche, but nope, around three on Sunday I got this

“hey, my roommates are gone for the day, did you want to come over and watch movies”

We all know what watch movies means, we know it’s code for I’m gonna jam my little tiny boner into your back and hopes that you will get turned on enough to touch it and once you touch it I’m going to dry hump the fuck out of you while you try to watch the movie until you give up and let me take your pants off. So romantic right? I replied

“uh how about no.”

My first thought was, I’d rather shove forks in my eyes then spend two minutes with you, but I didn't say that. I was still trying to be nice, no idea why, but I was trying to remain calm and nice. But then my jaw actually dropped to the floor when he said

“how come?”

This man is a fucking idiot. Not only does he have an inflated sense of entitlement but he is a fucking idiot. I could have taken the high road and nicely cut him off but I had zero fucks left to give.

“How come? Because you actually make me want to vomit, choke on it, then die, just so I don’t have to talk to you again, so I think it would be best if you never talked to me again, have a nice life.”

He responded?! HE DID!

“Wow...take care I guess”

So that’s how I got rid of awkward man, tune in tomorrow to hear about my date on Saturday, with an Australian, all in effort to distract myself from Melvin and not put all my eggs into one basket which is really hard considering how sweet and awesome he was Friday night.

Bitches be cray

I had a four hour Skype date with Abby on Tuesday night, she is obsessing over a man who is just as confusing as Melvin, so needless to say we spent a good four hours trying to decode each other love interest. There may have been some other things brought up, like wine and chocolate but for the most part, it was four hours of obsessing over every single detail of our love interests. What this text message meant, what he meant when he did this or that, and why oh why do we allow ourselves to become so wrapped up in one person. I know it’s because of girl logic, but I left the conversation with one thing in mind, how can two fairly smart and educated women spend four fucking hours talking about guys, letting them control most of our though process throughout the day and all of our thought process at night. How is that normal? How is that healthy? How can we not want to talk about anything else? Seriously, it makes my day when I see a window to talk about Melvin, when I am able to spill the whole situation onto someone in hopes that maybe they have more of an idea what is going on. It took everything I had to not unleash the whole story on a poor cashier at the grocery store when she asked me how I was. In my head I wanted to say,

How am I?! OBVIOUSLY I am not okay, obviously I am confused about this guy and I just don’t know why he hasn’t texted me today because I really want to text him but I deleted his number because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me, but I like him, but he might like me, but he used this emoticon so I’m not really sure what that means, do you think that emoticon means he doesn’t like me or he does? What about when he said this...that has to mean he wants to hang out with me right?!”

I  didn’t say that, I held it in, I wanted too, she was the one who asked how my day was...maybe she shouldn’t do that if she doesn’t want to know how my day is actually going. How ‘bout them apples grocery store lady!

I hope someone else has had a moment like that, where you just want to unleash on a random person. I know Abby isn’t any better than me though, she is obsessing just as much as I am, maybe even worse because at least I get drunk and spill my guts, yay me for having zero filter when I drink, Abby  keeps it in. But at one point in our conversation she said

“ya, but he used a period, he NEVER uses periods so now I just don’t even know what to say back!”

I envy anyone who didn’t have the dating pressures that text messages puts on us. When things are done over face to face contact you have the ability to forget things, to not go back and re-read conversations and you know the tone of the voice and not have to worry about a period. A fucking period. Who obsesses over that?  Women do.

Men don’t sit around talking with their friends asking if it’s okay to text them, analyzing what you should say, writing a text, deleting it, re-writing it and then pressing send and going into full on panic because it’s been 30 seconds and he hasn’t responded, heaven help you if an hour or two goes by and he hasn’t responded, at that point you are sitting on your cold bathroom floor, hyperventilating, gripping your phone for dear life, rocking back and forth, while singing the sun will come out tomorrow. Men send a text and get on with their lives, they don’t write or re-write and they definitely don’t have panic attacks if they don’t get a text back.

They probably don’t feel the same kind of excitement that we do when we receive a text. Oh my poor family and friends, Melvin text me last night, first, without me texting him, I was almost asleep in my bed at 9:30 at night when the ding went off, I check my phone, success! I jump out of bed and start doing the fucking Macarena, which would be normal behaviour for me usually, but I was in underwear and a tank top, probably not a sight my 15 year old brothers friends who were sleeping over wanted to see. Didn’t stop me, I was jumping around and singing and then realized I had to reply, so I wrote and re-wrote then wrote again, I settled with “hey I’m good how are you.” I thought that was a good response, right? Trust me the first drafts where a little rough, at first I thought of writing “I’m just swell” then I was going to say “good, you?” but I settled with “hey I’m good how are you.”

Men don’t do these kinds of things, the most would be a smile at their phone, women go bat shit cray. Also men don’t sit around analyzing if they slept with you too soon, if you should have done something different, worn a different top, if you have to much cleavage or not enough, men don’t try on 50 outfits for a date (which is just crazy). Men will pick a pair of pants off the floor and a shirt and go, they will send the first text they write and they won’t give it another thought, they won’t spend hours going over every detail of the time you’ve spent together, they just act how they want. It’s infuriating knowing that we spend so much time worrying and obsessing and analyzing and they don’t have to feel that panic we do. The only time they feel panic is when they think they are about to get some and it’s still on the fence because she could put her pants back on and go home or she could fully take them off. That’s the panic we women have to deal with all the time when we have these God awful feelings for a person.

Don't You Forget About Me..Or Do, I Don't Really Care

I know its terrible date Tuesday; the thing is I am being a ball of suck today. I don’t think I can find it in me to talk about more failed dates, as hilarious as some of them are. Dating is draining, feelings are draining, and unreciprocated feelings are just fucking exhausting.

 I gave a big fuck you to Melvin last night after his vagina grew to an astonishing new size. He isn’t aware, it’s not like I started growing balls just because the man I was...I don’t even know what with...has a big sneaper, so I just deleted all forms of communication that I could possibly reach him with. It’s not like I could really tell him

“hey you know what...you are more of an emotional rollercoaster ride than my mother going through fucking menopause and if I stick around any longer I am going to throw...no hurl, myself off this mother fucking ride and pray for the sweet release of death to find me quickly as I plummet to my emotional death because I am starting to lose my mind trying to figure you out!”

Ya, see I can’t say that. I’d like to...but I can’t, so I won’t.  Because in my head I am secretly wishing for my 80’s love story ending...yes...I am still praying that one day someone will show up at my window with a boom box, blasting Simple Minds, Don’t You Forget About Me, wait for me to walk out my door and tell me that they were an idiot and give me some romantic lines about how awesome I am. But that isn’t going to happen, it never happens in real life. In real life I hang out with a melodramatic, self centered, over sized child who probably won’t even notice I stopped talking to him. In real life things are complicated. In real life...this just isn't working and in real life I realistically have many more years of heartbreak and dating disappointments to go through, and probably a nasty divorce leaving me as a single mother. That’s real life, not some 80’s movie I’ve made up in my head.  

So instead of saying all that and getting my hopes up, I just cut off communication, I know he isn’t going to put the effort into talking to me, unless you know he wants something or someone to feel bad for him and now I can’t reach out to him. I figured after weeks of being dicked around I had had enough, I’d put myself out there way to far, way too many times to get back extremely little. So that’s the end of that. I’m going to allow myself one night to wallow in self pitty while Abby and I skype and talk about our failed love interest, probably turn on my 80’s playlist and get the hell over him and this fantasy dating world I constantly live in.

Dating isn’t made up of magical moments where you walk into a room and he sees you across the room and walks over to you and sweeps you off your feet. We don’t get some modern day love affair where you meet at a party and fall asleep together on a roof top after talking all night. Dating isn’t about the guy you’ve lusted over for years suddenly realizing that he loves you too and you ride off into the sunset together. No fuck that. Now dating is drunken one night stands, Facebook and text messages, dirty pubs and on-line applications. Where is the romance? Where is the passion? Where the fuck is my 80's love story! Not in Melvin...I can tell you that much. Probably not in any one else, I am destined to be alone because my ridiculously high standards of romance. Great thank you Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, and Say Anything, for giving me unrealistic standards for love.

Vodka Strikes AGAIN!

The amount of class I effortlessly produce while under the influence is astonishing. Really, if there was an award for classy behaviour while drinking I would win it, even if Snooki and Charlie Sheen were my competition, well maybe not but it would be close.

While my efforts for beer Olympics came up short I did find myself on a road trip with Dana and two guys from work after a short date with awkward man. Yep you read that right, in my efforts to avoid all feelings I have for Melvin I distracted myself with awkward man and when that failed I took my ass on a road trip in a city an hour away so I knew I couldn’t make it back to his house at 3 in the morning and blabber my mouth off again. One would think that would solve all my problems, correct? No. It didn’t.

I drank all the way up there so by the time we got there I had a good buzz going; it was in the car ride up that a co-worker decided it would be a good time to discuss why I never agree to let him take me out...like on a date. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to men and dating but I know that co-workers are off limits. Co-workers who like to drink more than I do...even more so off limits. Let me just be clear that this man also knows all about my date with awkward man and that I have a slight crush on Melvin, where does he think I am going to fit him into my schedule? I barely have time to fit bob into my schedule lately.

When we arrived we made the decision to head down to a pub. This is where I went from cutely buzzed to crazy mode; I managed to get kicked out of a bar, do far too many free shots, dance barefoot (yep...I was that girl), get into fight with a guy then run away screaming “don’t stab me,” if that doesn’t show the state I was when 3 in the morning came around than you’ve never drank with me and shame on you. Dana and I made it our mission to get a cab so we left our group of friends and searched for a cab, but Dana and I are like goldfish, but instead of shiny things distracting us, boys do. In our search for a cab we made friends and they were heading to an afterhours club, I like to dance, I’ve yet to go to an afterhour’s club, one was cute and one had an Australian accent, I don’t see the downfall here; we can’t find our group so we go. Bad choice, after hours clubs are scary, not fun and me trying to convince the bouncer that paying $23 to get into such a place is ridiculous only made him mad and didn’t convince him that my boobs don’t pay cover charge to a shitty after hours club. We stayed long enough to pay $7 for one fucking water (that is insane, I don’t care where this water comes from $7 is far too much to pay for water) and we drag our asses back to where we are staying. Thank God Dana had the foresight to write the address of the place we were staying on her arm.

But it’s an good 45 minute car ride, so I pick up my phone and see a text from Melvin, I give a short, moody answer back and he is calling me within minutes. HA! It’s 3 in the morning, I am in Edmonton, good try buddy, I took precautions against this. At least I thought I did, me being in Edmonton was suppose to stop me from getting drunk and spilling my guts, it was suppose to stop me from being stupid, but it didn’t (shocking, I know). So instead I ramble on about how I am on a one way street of emotions (actual words that I said out loud... to him) and I’m sick of it. Who says that?!?! One way street of emotions?! I sound like I am the female Ron Burgundy, slightly more emotional and crazy though. Eventually my phone died and we ended back at the apartment we were staying at. But not before he reassures me that the feelings are mutual and he's doesn't want me to feel this way. Now he was drunk, so I'd like to believe it, but at this point I am not making the effort, the balls in his court.

I woke up in the morning with the horror that I slept in the same bed as co-worker who said he wanted to date me (no, nothing happened, I was fully clothed), I had splitting head ache and the desire to vomit everywhere, and I did, all the way home, in plastic bags, in the McDonald’s drive through, at red lights while my head hung out the window and Dana peeing her pants laughing while the lady who looked like she was on her way to church judged me. I give hot mess a whole new meaning.

These drunken conversations where I declare all my suppressed feelings for Melvin needs to stop though. There are only so many times I can say “damn that Vodka called you again last night, I’m really going to have to talk to her about drunk dialling you.”