Well day one was a giant fail. I called him after I officially
took my name off the lease of the apartment we rented together. We both cried,
we both said we missed each other; he said sorry a million and one times and
said he hated himself for letting me down. But he did and I have to remember
that. So today I will be better at this
because honestly I can’t come up with a reason to call him and trust me I am
trying to find an excuse. Some one just needs to take my phone away from after
work because that’s when I am the weakest. I get in my car to drive to the gym
and I just want to call him and be like “oh hey you miss me? I miss you to and I
forgive you for being a dink so let’s hang out.” I actually have been good
about not seeing him, so that’s one point to me because it’s been five whole
days since I saw him last! Baby steps I tell you. Considering for the last two
and half years we haven’t gone more then two days without seeing each other,
personally I think I’m doing well with distancing myself from him.
But I do miss him today. My anger is starting to fade away
and turn into lust and longing. At this point the book mentioned some thing
about “break up remorse”, well book I am knee deep in break up remorse. All my
preventative measures taken to remember how much he hurts me aren’t really
reminding me either. I have lists of mean things he said/did, I have a list of
quotes reminding me to be strong, I have a picture of him and Dana together to
remind me why I left, I have song lyrics and a lists of qualities that I want
my future husband to have with a picture of Channing beside it. See? One would
think all those things would work but I am still having break up remorse. So back to the book It’s Called A Breakup
Because It’s Broken I go because obviously I need to.
Part of the problem is I don’t know if I’ll ever open up to
any one again. I opened up to him, let him see me cry, let him make me feel
safe in a way I’ve never done with any one else and when I did that, when I let
him take care of me, he rejected me, he hurt me, he basically said I wasn’t
good enough. That’s the part I can’t let go of because I want to be good enough
and loved. So I need this book to remind me that it’s ok and I will open
again. The words I am going to repeat in
my head over and over again today are:
“Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed. If you’ve reached this point, where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks are there. You are not the kind of women who settles for broken or hangs onto damage goods. Your life is not a yard sale.”
Then I will remember I gave him a chance to fix it and he
didn’t. He chose not to fix it, he chose to reach out to her instead of fix
our relationship. She chose to listen to him instead of comfort me. They made
their choices and I will not settle for broken! So the second thing I will remind
myself is this:
“Unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn't going to happen.”
I went down into those trenches. I had my super glue, nails,
hammer, duct tape and every thing else you could need but he didn’t want to
walk down there with me and now it’s to late because he let me down there and
I am just going to have to rescue myself.
Love your ex-girlfriend who is going to be stronger today
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