One and one and one makes three...or a really awkward night

I had the best intentions last night. I really did. It started off as a casual drink with the Aussie and well...now I’m at work with three hours of sleep and a head ache. The head ache is probably from the events that occurred last night, not the amount of beer I consumed, that must be it.

The Aussie started trying to talk me into going for a drink around 11...a.m... I was obviously holding out in hopes that Melvin would ask me to hang out, but by 7 o’clock he hadn’t asked me to hang out so I agreed to go for a drink with the Aussie man. Here is the beauty of all of this, he is friends with Melvin’s friend, where did we go? Melvin’s good friend’s house. I was sitting there drinking my beer, in a corner, on the opposite side of the room as the Aussie because this was just too awkward to handle when someone said “well should we get going?” Going? Where are we going? I am pretty wrapped up in this show about bats we are watching, why can’t we just stay here...we don’t need to leave. Trust me. But obviously I am just along for the ride in this adventure so my opinion doesn’t matter. Where are we going you ask? Let me tell you...the dirty. This place is a black hole, you just get sucked it, you never just stay for one in this place, never has any one walked into this place had a beer and left. No, you’ll have like twenty beers and a pile of bad choices by the time you leave. So off we went and I knew where this night was heading. You think this would just be the end of the story right, you probably are sitting there saying “oh Justine, you silly kitten, that isn’t that bad, a couple beers on a Thursday, pfft I’ve done that before.” And you’d be right, if that’s where the story stopped. It doesn’t, God likes to spite me for my bad choice, or I just have a knack for putting myself into bad situations, probably a bit of both.

On the drive over someone asked who was all going to be there, after I heard the answer I seriously contemplated hurling myself out of a moving vehicle. Like unbuckle my seatbelt, get the vehicle up to warp speed and tuck and dive onto the pavement.

He listed off some names, and then he said it...Skipper...and...Melvin.

Fuck.

Off.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SAVE MY ALLAH, STRAP ME TO A BOMB AND LET ME GO TO MY 72 VIRGINS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL. ARE YOU JOKING? YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING RIGHT NOW. WHY DO I CONTINUALLY PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME AND WATCH DUCK DYNASTY LIKE I HAD PLANNED. PANIC. I AM PANICING. HOLY CHRIST, JESUS, ALLAH, AND BRITTNEY MURPHY WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

Upon arrival I looked around and noticed that I was safe, they weren’t there. I’ll have a beer and get the hell out of dodge, mission accomplished right? Wrong, Nikki showed up, so well, I was done for, one beer turned into three and now my ride home (the Aussie, he’s still kicking around) is slightly inebriated and probably shouldn’t drive. Nikki and I go for a smoke and that is when I see Skipper walking up. Sheer and utter panic struck me. Let me remind you that this is the first time we’ve seen each other since the great encounter at Melvin’s house. At least this time I had pants on. There’s the silver lining in this whole mess I guess.

Then that Mulan girl who hates my guts shows up, great, all that’s missing midget and we could turn this into a reality TV show. On the plus side Mulan had on a different outfit for the first time ever! YAY Mulan!

The night was complete when Melvin showed up and I was sitting with the Aussie to my left, Melvin to my right and Skipper across from me.  Well this isn’t exactly how I pictured my first awkward encounter with Melvin and Skipper in the same room, and I really didn’t expect to be there with another guy, but I guess this is better than Sunday brunch at their mom’s house, at least in this situation I can drown the awkwardness in beer.

Skipper doesn’t stick around long, but he leaves Mulan, which is good because she is just my biggest fan (apparently they are still together, good for them), and I spend the majority of the night dodging the Aussie to be around Melvin. See the Aussie isn’t all that bad and I kind of feel bad because really, I just like Melvin and the Aussie is more of my cushion, but I’ve been assured by a mutual friend that he doesn’t do relationships and really, he could be deported at anytime so it’s best not to get invested with this one. But he seems okay none the else;  most of the time I don’t know what he’s saying, but what I seem to catch loud and clear is his attempts to sleep with me, so while he is offering me his place to sleep at and Melvin is sitting beside me, it makes for an interesting night.

Around 12:30 I knew my night had to end, I had had enough of Mulan and well...I had to work the next day, now that the Aussie was too drunk to drive, thanks to my encouragement, (the more he drank, the longer I could stay and talk to Melvin) we had to get a taxi.  We take the taxi to my house first, he asks to come in, I quickly shoot down that idea, just what my mom wants to wake up too, hi mom just leaving for work, there’s this Aussie down stairs, don’t mind him, I’m sure he will be gone soon, he’s suppose to drive to Seattle at some point today.  I go down stairs and I text Melvin, well needless to say within five minutes I was on my way to pick him up and we went back to his house. We mixed a drink and started talking, then that mother fucker told me I was confusing! Here we go, the king of hot and cold has informed me that I am confusing. He knows how I feel, you know how I feel, hell the lady at the grocery store almost knew how I feel. Are you guys confused with how I feel? I’ll break it down for you

Justine has a grade 8 style crush on Melvin

Melvin confuses Justine (probably due to her lack of patience and girl logic and general stupidity when it comes to him)

Justine uses other boys to cushion blow from Melvin’s confusion

Melvin does something funny/sweet/cute

Justine goes back to Melvin

Justine gets drunk and spills every emotion she has to Melvin because she is an idiot

Justine feels stupid for being an idiot and vows to get a grip and pony up about this situation

Justine goes back to step one and the cycle repeats

So that’s where my night ended, I went to bed, after being part of a three ring circus all night I was exhausted. I am even more exhausted today. I vow to make better choices next week and not weekday drink, because I am not 18 anymore. I’d like to thank boss man for noticing that I am hung over and ordering pizza today. I am going to eat that pizza and have a nap under my desk. If anyone needs me that’s where I will be.

Degrassi...the next generation

I took my niece Bess to the arcade and bowling yesterday, she brought her boyfriend. My niece is 8. Yes, my 8 year old niece has a boyfriend, his name is Jace. Jace used all the tokens he won at the arcade to get Bess a ring; a big, plastic, shiny ring. They hold hands and it’s all so cute…until I realize that

a)       I couldn’t get Kermit to put a ring on it, I will probably never get a ring, and I will sing Single Ladies all the way to the alter of my best friends weddings

b)       I am single…with no prospects of that changing, which is fine, because I enjoy being single. But any current prospects would just end in me settling again. Except for one guy, maybe. A guy not even you, my readers, know about.

c)       Although I happily content being single my current love life is like a whole season of an after school special of Degrassi.

So while Bess basks in her first love I am reminded that my relationships have all failed and it all seems in the tragic way that I came up short, I was just not what they wanted. I am not concerned with my failed relationships, I’ve become a better person because of them, I am happy being single and taking time for me but it doesn’t change the fact that I currently have a fucking crush on a guy I haven’t even had the nerve to write about. I have a middle school, Justin Bieber style, ask my parents if I can go out after dark, crush…and it needs to go away now.

 Welcome to my after school special kids, grab a seat, popcorn will be handed out right before the climax of this love story.

The climax where this man took  one of your friends on not one but two dates…then kissed you.

No no…not that climax…silly. That’s just the start of episode one

The climax where he told you that he planned on taking a trip in the next couple months to clear his head because he going through some kind of crisis.

Nope still not the climax

The climax where he makes you climax?

Well...that's a climax just not the kind I am talking about. Jesus.

You mean the climax where Skipper walked into his brother’s house to find you hanging out with his brother, and it was very obvious that you had just spent the night? Then Skipper stormed out of the house while yelling something at said brother?

Maybe? I guess we’ll see because this after school special isn’t over yet…I mean it should be. I should have got up and left after he kissed me, that’s what a good person would have done. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t have replied to his messages after he kissed me…but I did…I shouldn’t have let him make me laugh or feel special or happy or content because that’s really the beginning of the end for me and now I am left sheer confusion. I mean I just want some one who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I am awesome and beautiful and tells me so and wants to have sex with me and only me. Don’t mistake that for a relationship. Relationships turn into routine, they turn into fights, and they turn into work. I just want some thing fun and easy going, some thing that is just simple…this isn’t simple…I realize that…but when I am with him it feels easy. He makes it feel simple.

But being a girl I needed validation that he felt the same way I do so I asked the stupid question even though every thing inside me screamed don’t do; I asked him how he felt, if this was going any where or if it’s just what it is now. He said he liked me, but it was complicated, no, complex. I replied, Dana and Skipper? He just said ya. I don’t even know why I asked, I had been saying that since the start that I couldn’t exactly go to Sunday dinner with his family and sit down between the two brothers. I couldn’t give his dad a high five for raising not one but two sons who rock in bed.  I couldn’t answer the question how did you two meet; oh he was dating my friend! I don’t know what I was expecting; I don’t even know what I want. Maybe I need to learn to be content and go with the flow and not over analyze every thing.

I am content with this delicious croissant that is filled with chocolate and whip cream and strawberries. I am very content with that. 

Day 57...It's Girl Logic.

I want to explain some thing to all the women out there, to the women who are crying over men while eating some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream because the guy you like just isn’t that into you and you keep acting a damn fool. We are going to talk about Girl Logic. It’s a theory I have, and a damn good one.

I made out with Skippers roommate Friday night, why? Not because I think his roommate is an awesome guy, on the contrary, I think he was kind of a douche bag. On any other night I would have ruthlessly made fun of this man.  So why did I do it? Because I didn’t think Skipper liked me, well I know he didn’t like me. He didn’t call me, he didn’t really ask me to hang out again, and I saw him with another girl, multiple times. It was obvious he liked this other Mulan looking chick. Lord only knows why, I couldn’t find any reason to like her, both times we awkward sat around drinking at the same table. Hell even her friend said I was better than her.  So why would making out with his roommate make him like me? It wouldn’t. In fact, it only makes me look worse. But at the time it seemed like a good idea. Girl Logic.

This is this Girl Logic

Boy I like/Girl Logic = WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING STUPID SHIT

You are probably thinking wow Justine, that’s horrible I would never do that, I am a classy broad and you are a mess, I am a dating expert and never do stupid things around guys. To you I say, fuck you, you are lying to yourself. You do it. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you are no better than me, because it’s not our fault, it is Girl Logic. It can’t be helped.

Every single girl I know does it. Boyfriend is pissing you off, you go have drinks with your girlfriends, do your hair and make up and go to the bar to “dance” aka get hit on by guys. You may not kiss another guy but you flirt, you touch their arm and laugh at their bad jokes, you bat your eye lashes and make sure your cleavage is bringing in attention. You like a guy and you know he is going some where, you go, and you make sure you look damn good, even if he didn’t invite you? Why? Because that is Girl Logic. Girl Logic causes women to do crazy things and we can justify all of our actions when Girl Logic is blocking your normal logic.

It’s what we do as women and I have named it Girl Logic. You welcome, now you have a name for all your dumb choices and you can blame Girl Logic instead of yourself. So next time your friends are judging you for a bad choice you made about a guy, you can say it wasn't your fault and that Girl Logic allowed you to do it.

We have a delusional sense that another man can fix the problems that we are having with a current man. Generally it never does, even just the harmless flirting, because even though you are getting attention from a random guy at the bar to make up for the lack of attention you are getting at home, you are still not getting the attention at home. But as women, we think that it will help and we continue to reason with ourselves that it will.  We lose all sense of normal human being logic and enter into Girl Logic. It is a time when good decisions are thrown out the window and you act in a way that normally, if you didn’t like a guy, you wouldn’t act.

Girl Logic is escalated after a break up, during wedding planning and when you really have feelings for a guy. This is peak time when you shouldn't be trusted to make your own choices, but we do, regardless of what our friends tell us. It’s the ability to justify almost all bad choices.  It is usually enhanced by alcohol and can cause you to  send an extra text message, call him at 3 in the morning to see how he is doing, and “casually” run into him while wearing your favorite jeans that make you have an ass like you are god damn Beyonce. Girl Logic is a bitch.

But here is my problem, Girl Logic, can’t be helped, it’s like PMS, but men categorize it as "crazy." Women are not crazy, we all know women who are "crazy" but if they were crazy they would be locked up, they are going through Girl Logic. They are probably normal human beings who make average life choices when their brain isn't being blocked by Girl Logic.

 I wish we could turn off Girl Logic because that would only be to easy, girls would get every guy they ever wanted (as long as they were in the same dating scale). As girls, we know how to play the dating game, we know what we should and shouldn’t do, we’ve read the books, we’ve given the advice, but it blocks something in our brains and makes us act like fucking idiots, like making out with Skipper roommate. That was not me, that was Girl Logic.

Day 54,55,56...I left my dignity in the first wine bottle

I don’t even want to begin to tell you about my weekend. I’ve still yet to find my dignity. I left it in my first bottle of wine. So instead I will tell you the lessons of Friday night.

1.      . Skipper will probably never talk to me again. That’s fine. At this point I don’t care, he can go for the girl who only has one shirt and a jean jacket and wears her hair on top of her head likes she is the white version of Mulan. I am sure she is a rad chick. It’s okay that you told me she is horrible in bed and I am amazing, I am sure you will be happy in your relationship
2. Skipper’s roommate, not as good of a kisser as Skipper and definitely not as charming. Don’t judge me. We only kissed.
3. It’s ok to let Skipper’s best friend hit on you all night (different guy than roommate). You can never hear how beautiful you are to many times, although I am sure at that point in the night I wasn’t beautiful
4. It is not okay to cry to Skipper in his kitchen about your ex…ya that is definitely not ok. Especially when it was his roommate that brought you back to his house
5. It is always alright to flirt with a guy with a girlfriend, as long as you hated his girlfriend in high school and it’s even more okay if you hated her friends even more. But he seemed super happy in his commit relationship with her, funny he didn’t mention her once when he asked me on a date for tonight. Don’t worry I am not going on a date with this man. Although I do appreciated his witty banter and use of sarcasm
6. It’s even more okay to let said guy grab your ass and pretend not to notice.
7.  It is not okay to let Kermit pick you up at 6 in the morning and go back to his house and sleep there till 5 in the afternoon the next day.  

There you have it. I told you I lost my dignity. Don’t judge me. Okay fine, I am even judging me at this point. 

Day 46...The day the awkwardness wouldn't end

If you follow my on Facebook you know that Friday was the most awkward day of my life. I left a post that I was editing up on my work computer. Boss man read it and left me a nice little note for Friday morning. I said sorry and he laughed and said it was okay. I am assuming he got some the night before because he is generally happier when he is getting laid. But aren’t we all.

I had a date night with Jeffrey on Friday night, don't be jealous I am that cool. We went and watched hockey then made our way over to a pub where I got drunk (obviously, my boss just read one of my blog posts, I needed to drink). My life choices when I drink are always shocking and of course this night was no exception. I came out of the bathroom and saw Skipper. Talk about awkward encounters, he looked in worse shape than I did. I swear to Jeus, I can't make this shit up. Why sweet, two pound, baby Jesus

Normal people would go and say hi, normal people would find a way to delude the awkwardness from the fact he hadn’t text me back, normal people wouldn’t care. I am not a normal person so I didn’t say any thing and walked right past him and went and sat back down with Jeffrey. Jeffrey always one for charm took one look at him and went

“Justine you are trying to hard and that guy is definitely not worth the effort. You can do so much better than that.”  

Jeffrey has a way with words and I have a way of disregarding the right choice. The thing is he is probably right. I know I could do better but this Skipper character has some thing about him that I like. Maybe it’s the way he makes me laugh, maybe it’s his penis, maybe it’s a whole lot of different things.

During a smoke break, one of Skippers friends (who clearly did not know who I was or the fact that I slept with Skipper) came to tell me how beautiful I was (which is always nice) and after a short conversation asked me to come meet his friends. I said no, which apparently didn’t mean any thing to said friend because he picked me up and brought me over there anyways. Why do things like this happen to me!? Did I do something in a past life to make sure I get put into the most awkward situations ever.

He introduced me to all 5 of his friends including Skipper and I just said

“ya we’ve met”

Great choice of words right? I thought so, and then I ignored Skipper and went back to hearing how pretty I was from his friend. This was a lot better then being pleasantly ignored by Skipper.

Well after 4 more drinks and decided to confront Skipper, which is always a good choice.

He stumbled out words about being drunk and that’s why he didn’t text me back (this is when you know you've picked a winner FYI), some thing about day drinking and I made it awkward by saying he could make it up to me by taking me for breakfast tomorrow. He said he would text me, I said ya right…that isn’t happening. Legit. Those words came out of my mouth. If he didn’t like me before he sure as fuck doesn’t like me now.  

He did text me the next day...saying he was to hung over to do any thing...so I was technically right. But at least he texted me?  Which leads me to my next post...

Day 38 to 41: Hoe into a House wife

I could tell you how my weekend involved being wrapped in Saran Wrap, being kicked off a soccer team (I quit but pretty much), getting raped in the ass by Mr.Lube (the car place, actually, this is not a metaphor I don’t do butt sex), how I cancelled the date on Sunday and the one for the concert on Tuesday with Internet guy  because he was starting to send relationship signals (if any one asks, I am on an ice fishing trip with my dad) or the wedding I attended where the bride held the knife to cut the cake just a little to tight, but instead I am going to talk to you about how for once God decided not to bitch slap me.

Saturday night I was over at Mikes house, hanging out watching a movie and decided I was going to go out and visit Dana at the self esteem boosting pub where she now works. I drove in the worlds worst driving condition, I am fairly certain I drove on the wrong side of the road for the majority of the drive, that was my dedication to alcohol that night, so you know I was desperate. Every one I called that night said the roads were too bad to go out and they were going to stay home, and by every one I mean I called my sister and I couldn’t convince Mike to come with me. But I was already at the pub so I went in by myself, now terrified from the drive into town, pissed at my sister and her lack of support and God damn I just saw a crazy lady get married before me. I needed a drink. A big one. I walk in and see some thing that only meant my night was going to end in orgasms. Is it a plane? A bird?  Free dildos? SSM? No. It was my last racquetball partner before I started dating Kermit. It was like God looked down on me for a minute and said 

“your life has been a pile of shit lately, here is a penis on a silver platter, have fun, I am sorry.”

Oh my god. It was like every thing was working out in my favor, he was with a group of guys, he asked me to come sit with them, I said not right now, but maybe later, because I really did just want to drink my drink in silence and I had to come up with a game plan to make sure the night would go in my favor. I could see him looking at me, then talk to his buddies and it was apparent they were talking about me, that’s when one guy turned around and said “hey, you know Becca right?” I knew right away who this guy was, Becca’s boyfriend. Becca is my amazing friend from college, we had both recently gone through a break up, and both enjoyed week day drinking and hated our program. We were a match made in alcoholic anonymous heaven.

 Becca was on her way to meet up with them for a drink.  So I called her and asked her how she knew Skipper (obviously his new nickname), apparently she’s known him for a while and just never remembered that they actually met several years earlier when we were first having sex and I had thrown a lingerie party and I had also talked about him multiple times while Becca and I were study partners in college.

This night was sealed with a pretty little bow, the pearly gates to orgasm land where open; angels where singing and at this point I was guaranteed to have sex. I could sit back and enjoy the rest of the night, drinking, smoking and laughing with Becca.

I ran into some people who used to work with Kermit, gossiped about Kermit and how useless he is, talked about my boobs and how big they are and how they got me a job. All in all it was glorious. Then shock settled in. I haven’t had sex since SSM, I had no plans of having sex any time in the near future, which meant taking care of my lady parts have been the last thing on my mind. I mean, it’s not a jungle, but it’s definitely not a desert or even a nicely trimmed garden. I can’t make my first encounter in three years with my racquetball partner and not be prepped and prepared.  In the bathroom I decided to ask Becca how bad it really was, she said it wasn’t THAT bad, I also flashed Dana at the bar…she also agreed it wasn’t THAT bad. When your friends say that they are lying to you, you should pick up your dignity and say God you are a spiteful ass and call it a night. Unless you are me, and in that case, you can talk yourself into almost any bad decision.

So unfortunately with enough booze you can talk to me into any thing and once he talked me into getting into the cab I was done for. Oh well, it was happening. New racquets ball partner locked and sealed. I woke up the next morning, slightly hung over and realizing I was now in a house where three guys live, made evident by the fact that I had to go to two different bathrooms to find toilet paper, there was a dirty dish beside the bed and when I went and got water in the morning, there was more beer than food. Well at least I know this one doesn’t have a girlfriend. But here is the thing; I am going to over share with you, so unless you want to know deep and very intimate details about my sex life I would just skip down to the next paragraph. * SKIP NOW* I squirt. Well when the sex is good. And the sex with him is very good, so his bed was wet and the basement floor, and maybe a few other places.

*CONTINUE TO READ* So in the morning he stated “you know next time you come over I am going to make you wash my sheets after.” Partner locked and secured, playing doubles for at least the next little while. This man is perfect, in no way shape or form does he give me the vibe that he wants a relationship and the sex is good. I have landed the perfect racquet ball partner. I am high fiving myself at this point.

But after I showered in the morning (in a bathroom that only had shampoo, definitely no girlfriend) I did some thing bad. I couldn’t help it. I guess the saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife” isn’t true; this hoe did his laundry while I waited for him to get ready to drive me home, I washed his sheets, towels and then did dishes. I couldn’t help it. I had to. My anxiety kicked in and there wasn’t any stopping it. I tried to use self control but I have zero.

Then he drove me home and he turned on his truck ( which he needs a blow box to do) and classical music came on. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. It apparently relaxes him. Where do I find these guys? He then told me what symphony it was from, I don’t know maybe he thinks this will impress girls, I would have been impressed if it was Ace of Base, not Bach’s fifth symphony. Then the hilarity continued, I had remembered that he said last time we ran into each other he text me after ( I ran into him when I was still with Kermit), but he had my old number so I never got it and some guy got pissed, he was embarrassed so this is what I texted him when he texted me after he dropped me off.

I really think I am hilarious.