Words of encouragement from couples to us singles

Ah the joys of being single, it seems everyone has advice for us poor single beings. You would almost guess that a couples favourite pass time is to give us single folk’s words of encouragement. Couples are the poster holders in the marathon of love.

 Most of my friends are in relationships and it’s like they just itch to find that other couple friend that can spend their nights going for dinners, discussing books, new TV series they are watching as a couple, the things couple do now that their days of beers and wild sex are over.

So as the token single girl of my group I get countless offerings of encouragement and hope, these are my favourite

1. Don’t worry, there is so many fish in the sea – I want to know when this became the token thing to say to a single person? Don't ever bring up a sea or how there is a bountiful amount of fish, unless we are snorkeling, in that case carry on
2. You are so great/pretty/funny/random adjective, how are you single? – Thanks grandma still trying to figure that out
3. Maybe you should lower your standards – I don’t think I even have standards anymore, I just pray they don’t shit themselves on the first date now and even that has happened to me and I still went out on a second date with him
4. Have you tried on-line dating? – yes...sadly blazinpussygod420 didn’t meet my ridiculously high standards
5. You’ll meet someone when you least expect it – You know the only time I don’t expect to meet someone...when I am pooping...in a bathroom. Other than that I am always expecting it. Like a dating ninja
6. You have to love yourself before someone can love you – Do you love yourself? No one loves themselves; we are programmed to hate ourselves, it’s in our nature as women, unless you are Beyonce.
7. I’m going to set you up with *insert male name here!* He is absolutely perfect for you – if you’ve ever been set up you know that they are never perfect, there is always a fatal flaw.
8. You won’t ever meet someone at a bar -.Good I go to the bar to drunk and laid, not meet prince charming
9. I’m jealous you are single you must have so much fun, sometimes I miss being single – Right, cause not getting laid is totally awesome! Hey at least I don’t have to shave my legs
10. Maybe if you got out more you could meet someone – Have you been out? It scary. I like to keep my going out options minimal for this exact reason
11. There’s a guy out there for you, don’t stop looking – I thought I was suppose to stop looking so I wouldn’t expect it. Just admit it, you know nothing.

See, it seems like everyone in a relationship has some sort of advice to offer, maybe they feel sorry for us? Maybe they just don’t know what to say to us? Maybe being single is like a disease, I’m not really sure, but regardless none of us want your advice. But bless your heart.

I miss you...r vagina

You may recall that I’ve previously mentioned that I stopped really dating, if you can call what I’ve been doing the last 6 months dating. I am not desperate enough to resort to on-line dating and the bitterness Melvin left me towards men does not make me an ideal candidate for men, which leads to most of my weeknights spent at the gym and then watching Netflix and becoming consumed in fictional characters love lives. The closest thing I have to a healthy relationship right now is me cursing the stair master everyday then saying sorry when my pants aren’t as tight the next week.  

 Lately though  my Thursday nights have started to get a little more exciting, the last three Thursday’s, starting around 9:30 the drunk texts start to pour through from men I’ve left in my past. I think it is a testament to my taste in men that for the last three weeks in a row I get drunken texts sent on a Thursday night. They generally follow the same pattern, it starts with a hey with one too many “y’s” followed by a “what are you doing baby” and finishes with an “I miss you.”

Let me decode this for you, anytime there is an extra y in any text, it means hi, I am drunk, any time there is a, what are you doing, from a random man that you've slepted with, it means come over and sleep with me, any time they say “I miss you” it means porn and lube just aren’t going to cut it tonight maybe I can trick her into sleeping with me. Men, this is about as sneaky as asking a girl to come over and watch a movie. You don’t miss us, you don’t really care what we are doing or what’s new with our lives, you are just drunk and horny and sending out a text to anything with two legs and a heartbeat, vagina optional at this point.

I get drunken texting, I could write a short story with the embarrassing drunken texts I’ve sent through the years but I save them for weekends you know why, because at 11 at night, when I am consumed with Vampire Diaries, telling me you miss me does not make me want to hop in my car and come over, it makes me want to punch you in the face. Also, I am probably sitting at home in an over sized old t-shirt, dirty sweat pants, unshaven legs, zero make up and red eyes from crying over the fictional characters love lives. You don’t want that girl to come over, hell even the ugly girl at the bar by herself is a better option than me at that point, maybe she shaved her leg, go bug her.

Thank you for reminding me why I am single

You know one of the perks to being single? I get to listen to all you people in relationships, bitch about your relationships. You know another perk to being single? I get to hear all my single friends tell me how they bang not so single people. You know another perk to being single? I get to sit here and judge all you people in your relationships. I get to grab my popcorn and listen to the horrible divorce stories, cheating stories, my girlfriend did this stories, my boyfriend said that stories and why yes, they are sad, I get to pass a small amount of judgement, because you are judging my relationship with Netflix's and cheese.

Those don’t sound like perks really, but trust me they are, for the simple reason, I don’t have a person to complain about, to consume my life, to plan my life around, I have me, and the stories I hear make me scream out “praise Jesus” and stay single forever. I can tell you that at least once a week I have a friend who is going through some kind of relationship turmoil, some kind of nervous breakdown, crying mess, chocolate eating catastrophe in their relationship. I know that relationships have their ups and their downs, and there will be problems and sometimes people need to vent,  I've been there, but as I sit there and listen to their problems like a good friend I can’t help but think...really? Is this what I am missing out on?  

I watch as their girlfriends post pictures of how in love they are, while he asks me if there will be single, hot girls at the party. My friend spent her Saturday night at a party in a screaming match with her boyfriend, I spent my Saturday night watching Netflix’s and eating cheese. You tell me who had the better Saturday night. Rhetorical question, I did. Sure I went to bed alone and woke up alone, but I didn’t go to bed with puffy eyes from crying. See, I’d be fully open to a new relationship if I didn’t have to spend so much time hearing about how horrible yours is. You know what happens when the guy I’ve gone on three dates with pisses me off? I get to say see you later and it’s easy because I’m not invested.

I had a friend say to me, I know you hate on-line dating, but you should try it again, they’re lots of guys on there who are nice, with good jobs. First off she is wrong, I was on a dating site and between the slew of “hey baby” and “youz sexy” messages, I found very few men on there who seemed normal, not that I am the poster child for normal but I am way more normal than sexyman420. But I had to plan my response carefully, because when you are the only single girl in your group of friends people tend to feel sorry for you, like you must be lonely, or depressed because your Saturdays are spent at home in sweats with your dogs. So I chose my words carefully when I responded...”there is not a burning hope in hell that I am getting back onto a dating website unless it’s for sheer entertainment, which to be honest has crossed my mind a couple of times.

Yes, sometimes being single is lonely, yes, sometimes I just want someone to ask how my day was without the hidden agenda of wanting me to come over to watch a movie later (if you know what I mean), but you know what, for right now, I get to enjoy focusing on me, spending time on me and not obsessing over a mellow dramatic ass munch, or a self righteous prick who couldn’t appreciate what he had. I get to do me and listen to your stories.

Grab some balls

We know that I do not claim to be a dating expert, at all, let us just take a look at my past six months of dating history, Mchottie, Aussie, Awkward man, and the last three months of Melvin...ya dating is not my forte. But in attempts to completely remove myself from Melvin, I am giving a new guy a chance. Should I get over him by being alone? Probably, but that’s not working because I have zero will power, so this is my plan b. I met him a couple weeks ago at a party and he seems nice enough, he went through a lot of effort to get my phone number, well he asked a mutual friend, but he still tried, he’s cute, so I’m going to give him a shot.

Things were going well, he sent me a text asking what my plans where for the weekend, I had none, I am poor, so I said that I didn't have any as of yet and what about himself? He had to help his brother yada yada yada, he was free Friday night and asked if I would like to do something. I said yes - that is where I pray that he isn't a big pansy and I see the little ... on the screen indicating he is typing. *Please don't say what would you like to do* and then he says it, "great, what would you like to do..." Fuck off.

 While I am not a dating expert I can tell you my biggest pet peeve with males, well not all males, as I am sure there are still men out there that take charge, but I am seeing a common theme when dating men, they are more than happy to say “what do you want to do.”

Don’t, that is not my job yet, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to come up with some kind of plan, take me somewhere, do something, anything really, pick me up and take our dogs for a walk, pick me up and take me to mini golf, pick me up and do something, but just show some initiative!!! But bless their stupid little heart, if I hear one more guy say, “what would you like to do” I am going to give him what my real answer is...I’d like you to bring me over a bottle of wine, leave it at my front door, leave and leave me alone to drink said wine by myself, and if you happened to bring a double cheese burger with bacon with said wine, I’d be a happy girl. So unless you are okay with that plan, come up with one. It comes with having a penis, you blow me away on the first date, I might just blow you. I’m kidding, I don’t do that on a first date. But really, if there is anything you do when it comes to dating, come up with a plan, show some initiative, girls like that shit.  

Break up lines your friends will tell you and what you really want to say

We’ve all been through a break up, end to a fling, or just an end to imaginary relationship, don’t lie, those imaginary relationships hurt just as much as real ones when they come to an end! No matter what the circumstance, the length of the relationship, or boy who broke your heart, the one thing that remains consistent throughout the breakups is the cliché words of encouragement from your friends. They will try to cheer you up in hopes that you’ll put down the wine bottle, yes bottle, and the tub of chocolate ice cream, and put a smile on your face, usually this is done to no prevail, bless their hearts for trying!

 

When we are two Nicholas Sparks movies into a breakup these are the lines that your friends will tell you and this is really what you want to say to them.

 

You deserve better – clearly, I know this, look at me, I haven’t washed my hair in three days! WHO WOULDN”T WANT THIS! But if I deserve better why is this douche bag leaving me? NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE! ALONE FOREVER! WHERE IS MY WINE BOTTLE!

 

It’s okay he doesn’t understand what he lost- ya that must be it, he lost someone who is drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream, a bottle of wine and crying…I MISS HIM!

 

Don’t worry there are so many guys out there – have you personally counted all the eligible men? Because I have, there is a not that many out there, there is five and I’ve already dated three of them and I think the other two shit their pants on a regular basis. Like literally.

 

It’s okay just be strong – don’t tell me to be strong while you sit over there in your happy relationship, I don’t want to be strong or mature I want him to contract herpes or come running back to me, preferably before he contracts herpes

 

Just give it time – Ya, time is what I need. Time to finish another bottle of wine, how about you make yourself useful and go get me another bottle.

 

If you need anything or just need to talk let me know – anything you say? If you could kindly go shit on his wind shield I’d appreciate that…no you won’t? That’s what I thought. Don’t put the offer out there then

 

You are young, the right one will come along – well..I aint getting any younger ass munch, have you seen my Facebook news feed, bitches be getting knocked up and engaged like Noah built another ark and you have to pair up and repopulate the world. Oh god…that means I am the dinosaur…I am going to become extinct because I can’t find a partner! FOREVER ALONE! WINE? WINE? WHERE ARE YOU!

 

He was an asshole anyway – excuse me…but he is my asshole. Kind of. He left me, but in my mind he’s still mine…remember that one time he said I was pretty, I always loved it when he called me pretty!

 

Its okay his penis was small anyways – ya…that does make me feel a little better. Maybe just keep saying that

 

Maybe you shouldn’t have another glass of wine – don’t judge me, I am trying to get drunk over here and forget my broken heart

The friend zone

I’m so glad we are friends, you are such a great guy, you are going to make some girl super happy some day, I’m here for you as a friend, I’d really like to take some time and focus on myself and be single for a while; all sentences that you my dear male friend, have entered into the friend ship zone. Don’t...just don’t even think that you still have a chance to get out of the friendship zone once any of those words have been uttered, because that means that there isn’t a chance, zip, zero, zilch, nada, none.

As women we don’t like to reject men, no well, that’s not true, we have no problem rejecting the creepy guy at the bar, but men that have made an effort to be part of our lives, men that make us feel good, we don’t want to get rid of you, woman hold onto broken things, things that won’t work,  we have a hard time throwing things out, why else do you think I have clothes that I haven’t worn in years  that I just can’t bring myself to throw away...because eventually I may need them. Will I ever wear those shoes with the broken strap? Will I ever wear that shirt that was too small 4 years ago? Probably not, but I like to have the option that I could wear them. Same goes with men. We like to have options, to ease the blow of being rejected from other men, to comfort us on lonely nights, and give us an ego boost on our fat days. We keep you around, as a friend.  

When I was doing extensive research for this, men seem to offer advice on why and how you got to this point, that advice? You are in the friend zone because you didn’t try to be anywhere else, this advice is bullshit. You aren’t there because this girl had no idea you had feelings for her, she knows, that’s why she has said “I am so glad we can be friends,” she is looking for a way to make sure you know you are in the friend zone but she wants to keep you around. Trust me, have I ever said to Melvin “I am so glad we are friends!” No. Never, because I don’t want to be his friend, so I am not going to outline that we are. Have I said to Kermit (post breakup) that I am glad we are friends, yes, because I don’t want to date him but I like him as a friend. So men you don’t need to grab a set of balls and ask her out on a date, you don’t need to try to kiss her, it’s too late, she has made her mind up that she is just your friend and you will never get to her Treasure Island.

Men also have the idea it’s because women are just attracted to assholes and you are the nice guy. Listen, of course you are nice, you want to get to her Treasure Island, you are going to bring her lunch, listen to her problems, pick her up from the bar after a few too many drinks, you are going to do whatever you can to help you get there, and once she picks some asshole (not you) you will blame women everywhere for liking assholes. Women don’t actively seek assholes; we don’t subconsciously like the arrogant pig that is going to make us cry, men just do stupid shit sometimes and guess what you are the person she turns to when that guy does stupid shit because you are her friend, so of course you hear about all the asshole things he does, he is a man, you all do asshole things and we are women, we are a little sensitive so we vent and we cry and we blow things out of proportion. It has nothing to do with you being a nice guy, that’s probably one of the only reasons you are still around, but a long time ago she put you in her not datable list, maybe she doesn’t like your arm pit hair, maybe she doesn’t like your sense of humour, maybe she thinks you would be a project, for whatever reason, you aren’t datable to her. You can’t change how she feels which is unfortunate because I tried dating the guy I put in the friend zone once, he did what those other guys writing dating advice columns told him to do, he made a move and it worked but not because I had feelings for him, but because I felt bad...like I didn’t want to hurt him because he was my friend, but in the end I couldn’t change that I just wasn’t into him and we broke up, and weren’t friends any more. Did he find someone who loved him, who appreciated more than I ever could all the sweet and nice things he does? Of course, he was a great guy, that’s why I wanted him as a friend, but was that person me? No, it wasn’t and he, in all honesty, wasted six months trying to date me when I was just never that into it.

There is no better way to say it than...unreciprocated feelings suck, even worse when the friendship is a stake, you can either suck it up and just be her friend and watch and she dates other guys, or you can end the friendship and move on to another girl. But you will always just be her friend

 But am I some kind of dating expert, no? I didn’t even finish my last college course, I am an idiot when it comes to my own love life, but I can say without question, that there have been guys that I have strung along and said that I just wanted to be friends because I enjoyed their company on lonely nights. So my advice to the guys who are currently in love with a girl who is “so happy the two of you are such good friends,” either move on or be okay with just being friends but you can’t expect her to change how she feels just because you want her to.

To my pretend significant other, here's a list of 36 things that will annoy you

Recently I read this list on Pinterest, 42 reasons why I am single. I thought while some of these reasons were valid, most didn’t apply to me, then I thought about that lady who wrote that horrid post telling me to evaluate all my annoying habits, then I started...I started making a list of reasons why I’m single; so, my dear future significant other, here are things that are going to annoy the shit out of you

1.       I’d much rather be left alone on Saturday night...well basically all of Saturday to lie in bed while watching Sons of Anarchy. Really, I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on make-up, none of that, I just want to sit there with Irma (my dog) and fantasize that Opie wants to marry me. Please find something to do during that time or better yet, make yourself useful by making me a sandwich.

2.       I don’t like to share my food, closet, smokes, bed, and money, basically anything. I don’t like sharing; I like my things to be mine and your things to be yours and if you ask me to share I will no longer like you

3.       I don’t like to cuddle, again, that goes with number two, my bed, your bed. Seriously there were times when I would make Kermit sleep in a different bed even after living together for more than 2 years; I like to sleep alone, not because we were fighting but because I like my own space when I sleep. With the exception of Irma, Irma can always cuddle with me

4.       I laughed way to hard in point number 3 when I got to write number 2. See now I’m laughing again, five year old boy potty humour is and always will be hilarious to me

5.       When I want to be loved, you better be there to love me and be fully prepared to leave when I am done with wanting to be loved.  Much like a cat, which are only popular on the internet, not in relationships

6.       I have 5 imaginary weddings planned, if you don’t fit into one of those 5 weddings, we can’t date. I’ve put a lot of time into those imaginary weddings.

7.       I’m Gonna Be, The Proclaimers, learn to love that song, because I will play it on repeat a lot

8.       I can probably burp louder than you, my pretend significant other

9.       Farting is always funny, unless it involves an oven of the Dutch decent.

10.   I can’t cook rice to save my life...can’t do it. I fuck it up every time. If you ever want to eat rice again just keep looking because I am not the one

11.   When I pour milk I will always spill some  on the counter, I can’t help it

12.   I am horrible at doing laundry, my mother is trying to teach me, but she just has so many rules, delicates, lights, darks, I get that...but I just don’t understand why I can’t put a towel with a hoody and why I can’t just throw everything in the dryer, so many rules to laundry.  I hate doing laundry

13.   When it’s that time of the month I will watch every romantic comedy possible and I will cry and cry and cry and hate you for not being Ryan Gosling and sending me 365 letters. When you see me searching everywhere for chocolate it’s best that you just go into hiding for the next week and send me love letters, it’s the only way to make it through the week.

14.   There will be times when I make you listen to Taylor Swift, P!NK, and Alanis Morissette, probably around the same time I am watching romantic comedies. It will be annoying because I will repeat the same 3 songs over and over again; it’s my sad music, deal with it.

15.   Anytime I drink tequila. That is why I am single. If I start drinking tequila, run in the opposite direction, no good will come from that

16.   I will insist on drinking tequila

17.   Tequila will make me puke

18.   I will curse you for letting me drink tequila, damn you pretend significant other for letting me drink tequila

19.   There are two things I will never understand, why the Spice Girls broke up and how to tell time on a clock that isn’t digital.

20.   I’m in a long distance relationship with Ryan Gosling...he might use the term “restraining order” but I prefer the term “long distance relationship,” so I’m sorry pretend significant other, I will never be able to fully invest in our relationship

21.   I will sing to every song I know. I can’t sing, but damn it I will die trying

22.   I will plan choreographed dances to songs and might be sad when you don’t want to be my back up dancer, this goes along with my need to tap dance through the grocery store

23.   You can come to expect that Jenna will know every single detail about you. Every single last detail, that she probably doesn’t want to know, that you don’t want her to know, she will know. It doesn’t matter how many times you say to me “Justine, don’t tell Jenna about this.” I can guarantee you the first thing I will do when you aren’t around is tell Jenna about it.

24.   I will probably wear hair extensions well into my late 20’s when the inevitable day comes that I trade in my long, beautiful, fake hair for a bob.  I don’t care if you don’t get why I spend so much money on my fake hair when I  can’t afford rent and that you like my hair without them, the quickest way to piss me off is telling me I don’t “need” hair extensions, just learn to accept them like the child we will probably never have.

25.   About once every three months I will get the strong urge to cut my hair in some drastic, trendy way, it is your job to talk me out of this every time. One time Kermit had to break into the bathroom because I’d convinced myself I wanted to shave half my head like those trendy tattooed bitches on Pinterest and I could do it myself

26.   Camping, I hate camping, I will ask you to go camping every May long weekend, I will last 24 hours then want to go home. Please take me home to my bed, my shower and bathroom. Please don’t remind me that I do this every year, I know, camping just sounds so fun in my head

27.   I will have a list for everything, no I never actually follow said list, but it relaxes me to make them. Isn’t it ironic that you read about my love for lists...in a list?!

28.   Really, though...I need to bring up tequila again. I’m just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for all the times tequila will make you mad at me

29.   How I drive, it’s going to drive you crazy. Yes I need to talk on the phone, smoke, use my GPS and change the song all at the same time, do your part and let me know when the light changes if you want to make it home alive

30.   I have to be on time for everything and being on time means being ten minutes early. If I am late and it’s your fault, prepare to feel the wrath of the devil.

31.   Bobby pins...bobby pins everywhere

32.   I will make you listen to my girl gossip, I will ask for your opinion, I know you don’t care what this person said but humour me my dear pretend significant other, your opinion is important to me

33.   I will over analyse every single situation in my head, 30 times, you can tell that I am when I bite my nails, this should make you nervous, so very nervous

34.   My mother, she is overbearing, no, you don’t get used to it, don’t worry that will annoy me too

35.   How many outfits I have to try on before I go out for the night, my hatred for socks and jackets, and how many times you will have to hear “I have nothing to wear”

36.   My need for you to accept the previous 35 things about me, because I can’t and won’t change. Those are thing things that will drive you crazy, there is probably more, but regardless those are the things that make me, me.

Please lady, educate me about everything else I am doing wrong when it comes to dating

While browsing through the internet, reading different dating articles, I stumbled across this little beauty right here. Just take a minute and go ahead and read that, it’s enlightening isn’t it; women everywhere, the reason you are single is because you’ve chosen not to settle for a man, you are 35 and single and have a baby-less womb and it’s all your fault because you didn’t settle with that one boyfriend who really wasn’t that bad, you just needed to overlook some minor personality flaws and you too could have had your happily ever after, you picky, dumb, bitch.

I realize I haven’t read the whole book, and I am reading an article that obviously paraphrases a whole  book, but from this little article I now have a strong desire to go find her, knock her out and then walk away, not read the book.

This women talks about how women feel a sense of entitlement, how we are too picky and we are judgemental. To her I say, hell yes we are!

The first thing she talks about is women feeling entitled, that we feel like we are awesome, and you know what we should feel like we are awesome! It has taken years for me to get to the point where I say, “You know what, I am awesome, and if you can’t see that than fuck you!” She is saying that because we are told by friends that we deserve better, and any guy would be lucky to have us, we are entitled and we need to compromise and let go of that sense of entitlement if we have any hopes of finding love, and with that sense of entitlement comes this women who is judgemental and picky, if we could just not judge so quickly we might grow to love that man, with a little compromise and less judgement, we too can have our happy ending.

As little girls we are told boys that pick on us, make fun of us, and basically bully us, actually really like us. So boys who cut down our self esteem actually like us? I don’t know how that message started to little girls but it absolutely disgusts me, how is it okay to say to little girls if he hurts your feelings and your self esteem slowly starts to dwindle, he likes you, so don’t be sad that he called you an ugly poo poo head, he likes you. NO! NO! NO! That boy that called you an ugly poo poo head needs his ass kicked and little seven year old girl please don’t stand in the corner and cry, you walk up to him and say “I AM AWESOME! I AM NOT AN UGLY POO POO HEAD AND YOUR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER TO ME!” Then you turn on your little Velcro shoes and you walk away, because you deserve someone who calls you a beautiful girl, not an ugly poo poo head. You, little girl, be picky, find some one who makes you feel special from the moment he meets you, who you feel a connection with, do not settle for a guy who cuts you down, who makes you feel bad, who you don't really like.

As teenage girls we are in a constant battle with ourselves to come into our own, we feel awkward, we are being judged constantly and have to mindset we need to be a certain way to be in with the popular girls, or be pretty, or have guys like us. We are cut down and judge by stupid hockey jocks, the high school quarter back and basically everyone else who doesn’t think you are pretty or special because you are not a size 2; we are cut down by our first boyfriend because we won’t sleep with them, we are cut down by teachers for not getting good grades, we spend years being cut down. Teenage girls are in a constant inner struggle because their self esteem  is constantly being beaten down by their peers, by themselves, and everything else in the whole damn world. But somehow we make it out of high school and we eventually come into our own and once that happens we start to develop some sort of self esteem. We stop spending so much time looking at our flaws and spend some time seeing the good amazing qualities in ourselves and now you want me to sit down and think about everything someone might not like about me? No, I refuse. I will embrace my quirky habits, I will embrace my never ending ability to over analyze every situation, I will embrace the need to constantly have a plan,  I will embrace that sometimes I like to watch Disney movies and sing along, and if someone finds that annoying then he can just mosey on, he doesn’t have to put up with my habits because he loves me, he will love me because of those habits and you know what if I don’t find some mans quirky habits enduring then I shouldn’t be with him, there isn’t room for compromise when it comes to that, because when I haven’t slept in days because I have a sick baby and work full time, you better be damn sure I secretly love how he drives painful slow, or his stories take forever to spit out, because if I don’t, I may just kill him over it. My mother told me once with Kermit, the things that slightly annoying you now, will drive you crazy 20 years from now. So I will judge, I will be picky, and you know what I will appreciate and love  the women I have become and am becoming, because now that I FINALLY have self esteem, now that I am finally proud of who I am, now that can finally see that yes, I have flaws, but I am still awesome, I am entitled, to picky and too judgemental. Fuck her; you can’t take away something that has taken years to build, you can’t tell me that I need to settle and be less picky, because there may not be anything else better out there.  

She then moves on to talk about self love, you know loving yourself enough to put yourself first, to be happy with yourself and not need to be in a relationship to be happy, or loving yourself enough to recognize when a relationship isn’t working and it’s just best to walk away. Samantha says, “I’m going to say the one thing you aren’t supposed to say. I love you...but I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.” What the author of the book says is that if you don’t want to end up alone, Samantha’s message is dangerous, proceed with caution, because if you leave that guy that you just don’t love any more, you may regret it, so don’t leave, you stay, and you love him more than you love yourself. You stay in that relationship because the fear of not finding some one who makes you feel on top of the world is greater than any thing else

If you guys could see me right now, I am turning red from anger, I am slamming my keyboard keys because of the message this lady is sending to women, girls, and teenagers everywhere. We are given one life that is it, why would you waste your time being unhappy in a relationship, of any kind? Why would the fear of being alone be that colossal that we stay in a relationship we aren’t happy in! Why would we stop improving ourselves, why would we stop growing to be a better person because we may have to do that journey alone?  

The message this lady is sending absolutely makes me furious, while there are points that I’m sure are valid, the context in which she is delivering them, and her general message that we need someone to be happy, and it’s our fault if we don’t, and here’s a list of the reasons why, is absolutely wrong. I don’t need a list of things I am doing wrong on top of the list of things I am doing wrong in my head, I don’t need to be told that I shouldn’t love myself and I need to settle if I want to be in a relationship, that I need to not judge a man and be too picky because he may eventually bring me some kind of happiness or better yet, he may be the only one to love those qualities that make you, you! Then once you are in that relationship don’t leave if you aren’t happy, don't you even think about putting your happiness first, because you may regret it, because he may just be the last one to want you, you may not find some one else! And that would just be the end of the world. I don’t feel like I need to compromise just because I want a man to be there for me, I don’t need to compromise to get a fairy tale, I don’t want just any man, I want the right one, and compromising won’t get me that.

So to her I say you are wrong, simple as that. Women you be picky, you find a man that you love unconditionally, that makes you happy every day not just happy eventually, that makes you feel on top of the world, and if there comes a time when you aren’t happy and you’ve tried to fix it, it’s okay to love yourself enough to leave, to try again with some one knew or don't try again, and just love yourself. That being alone, out of a relationship, doesn’t mean you are alone, it means that you are content enough with yourself and strong enough to know that just because you don’t have a relationship doesn’t mean you are alone. To the women who read this article and sat back and evaluate their flaws, I am telling you to stop, embrace the things that make you unique, we’ve spent most of our lives cutting ourselves down or getting cut down, don’t, just stop, you are amazing, and beautiful, you do not need some dumb women telling you that it’s your fault you’re alone and maybe you need to sit back and evaluate everything a man may find annoying. You are perfect the way you are and you will find someone who loves those qualities that made it onto your list.

Not all relationships are never ending, some are short stories, some are long novels, but in the end you need to love yourself enough to never stop growing, to never settling, too never stop loving yourself , even if you fear being alone, because the type of women who does all the things she says will be alone, because she doesn’t love herself.

The week that lead to me sitting in a parking lot looking like a crack head...part three

Part one is here part two is here

Part 3 – The Melvinator (kind of sounds like a bad ass super villain that destroys the hearts of girls everywhere, well really just mine, because normal people would not be attracted to this hot mess of a man)

It started Saturday, when I invited him out...again...and he declined...again, well first he said maybe, and then he said no, so it was really just more disappointing. Whatever, I am used to it at this point; I carry on and have an awesome Saturday night. But when I don’t hear from him Sunday, I feel a little sad, when I don’t hear from him by Tuesday, I am really sad, by Wednesday I am in breakdown mode, by Thursday I’ve concluded that I will be single forever, why? Because if I remotely have feelings for another male I act a damn fool and scare them away.

What is my solution, I text him, because he totally wants to hear from me right? No he doesn’t, but I do it anyways. I ask him if he wants to hang out Friday night, nope he doesn’t (we really aren’t that shocked are we?), he might possibly have plans, might possibly have plans, the possibility of plans is more attractive than making definite plans with me, or even coordinate another time to hang out, because throwing me a god damn bone (figuratively speaking you perv) would just be too much to ask for at this point.  Nah, he leaves it at that, and so do I. I can’t physically put myself out there anymore, I am standing so far out there by myself yet again it’s almost shocking that I can be in this same situation. But I can be.

You know that game Waka-mole? Melvin is the person playing the game and I am the little mole that pops out of the whole, but he’s really good at the game so he knocks me back into the whole multiple times and I just keep popping back up. Really, he is taking home the big teddy bear. That is my life analogy, Waka-mole. Let that just sink in for a minute...

 

Yep...

 

Sinking in?

 

Goooooooooooodddd....

So there’s that. This happened right before I was leaving work, so I just got rid of the Aussie who cushions my blows from Melvin, I am stressed over the toothless wonder, who has made it his own personal mission to treat me like shit and has now involved my boss instead of talking to me like an adult, and Melvin has made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me...

And because I have the best skin on the plant I have now fully broken out in a stress rash, and because I was dropped on my head as a child I thought that lotion would make it better, but I am allergic to some lotions, so without thinking I put lotion that I am allergic to all over my god forsaken body. GO LIFE!

I get into my car, I pull away from work and I commence into full mental breakdown mode, but I have Jenna’s baby shower on Sunday  so I have to go to the mall so I can get stuff to make a cup cake stand  for the 30 cup cakes and 30 cake pops Dana and I have made, so I am sitting in the parking lot at the mall crying and itching myself because of my stress rash and rash from being allergic to lotions, I look like a crack head. Maybe not a, I ask for change on a street corner crack head, but a upper middle class, white girl, crack head, think Lindsay Lohan, but in a Grand Am not a Escalade or Mercedes, and not as skinny. Why life? Why did I have to be a female, why do females have to have so many fucking feelings, why, why why. Why couldn’t I have been a male, why do I have the stupid ability to care the most for people who don’t care about me, it’s a lovely personality quality.

I get the cup cake stand and I drive to Kermit’s house, well our old house. Judge away my  friends, I walk in and he has wine sitting there for me, well a whole bottle of wine. So I drink and he talks and tells me it will be okay and he makes me feel better, which only throws me more into a downward spiral because how can the man I spent months crying over seem to be the only person who makes me feel better? I guess I’m happy that we can still be friends, that instead of rolling his eyes at my stupidity he listens and comforts me, he seems to get my crazy, and I’m glad that after all the bullshit we went through to this point we are still friends, then there was the silver lining, some glimmer of hope in my tragic white girl problems, he has started internet dating, he has been talking to a girl for a week! You guys must be confused because this is my silver lining, but I truly just want him to happy, I want him to find someone who makes him happy, but if she happens to be ugly than bless her heart. And she was. Well, she wasn’t horrible, but I was writing home about her either. Go ahead; tell me I am a bad person, tell me that I am going to the deepest part of hell for finding happiness in the fact that my ex’s new love interest is not as pretty as I am, go ahead tell me I am shallow and for saying that I will never find love again. I don’t care, it made me happy, and I feel a small sense of victory here. So I left his house and I feel better, I have a grip on my emotions, and maybe realize this is why I was medicated for so long.

Excuse me, can you go fuck yourself?

I gave the last boot to awkward man on Sunday afternoon. After giving him the benefit of the doubt way to many times I finally had to put an end to it. See, he started out as that shy awkward man that made a horrible first impression, and then he turned into a slightly witty guy who didn’t seem horrible, but okay enough to preoccupy my time and stop me from obsessing over Melvin,( who by the way did the cutest thing ever on Friday night, leaving me completely smitten). But then awkward man took a turn for the worse, he became bossy, very bossy, and I do not do bossy. I don’t need to wear the pants, but if you are going to tell me what to do it better only be in bed.

Friday night he came back into town from being gone from work, he let me know that morning, I had already had plans, plans to get Nikki’s hung over ass out of bed so we could go drink with Melvin, but plans none the less.  So I made definite plans to go to a party on Saturday with Awkward Man. While I was out for drinks I tried to confirm that he was for sure coming tomorrow

Me- “so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

AM- “are you coming over tonight”

Me - “no, I have plans, I told you that”

AM - “Then that’s your answer.”

Me- “Fine have a good night”

It was really no sweat off my back, come or don’t come, I don’t really care, I don’t like you enough to care, you are a bad kisser and are generally pretty blah, so if you think that I’m changing my plans to accommodate you, you have another thing coming pal. And if you think I’m coming over after I’ve been drinking and you’ve been drinking then you are completely retarded.

When I arrived home Saturday afternoon from Melvin’s, Awkward man had texted me, he asked me what the plan was for the night. Are you confused? I was confused, and slightly over his bipolar, multiple personality episodes. We agree that I would pick him up at 9 and I went for a nap. When I woke up I reminded him that it was tight and bright. He said he wasn’t dressing up. I love theme parties, absolutely love them, I hate the people that are to cool to dress up. You don’t look cool, you look like the type of person who sucks fun out of life and I hate you. By him telling me he wasn’t dressing up it automatically made me not like him. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself I don’t even want to be in your presence, so I was annoyed when he said that I hadn’t told him it was a dress up party. I’d like to avert your eyes to the text above where I said...

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let me just repeat that in case you are as dense as this mother fucker

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let’s not even count the times I VERBALLY said it on the phone. It was written down for him in text, text that you read, text that I can use as proof that I did in fact say it was a tight and bright party.

Now I’ve given my single fuck away and no more will be given to this man. I left my house and was on my way to pick him up. What happened next can only lead me to conclude this man has a delusional sense of self-importance and his mother must have told him repeatedly how awesome he was, because that is the only theory that makes sense to me.

Me- “I’m on my way”

AM – “We aren’t leaving right away”

Me – “yes we are”

AM- “this is not a democracy.”  (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YES IT IS!)

AM- “and besides my brothers want party so watch your tone  :P” (OH NO YOU DIDN’T!)

ME- “you just party with your brothers, I’m not picking you up, I’m already late, have a good night.”

What the fuck. Who do you think you are? I do not wait around for anyone (unless they are named Melvin). And you are very right this isn’t a democracy, it’s a I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want ocracy, and no way is a man I’ve been on four dates with going to tell me what I can and cannot do, sorry buddy you just blew it. I don’t know about you, but I thought that the tone of my text was very clear that I was not impressed, that maybe you should send an apology for being a giant bag of douche, but nope, around three on Sunday I got this

“hey, my roommates are gone for the day, did you want to come over and watch movies”

We all know what watch movies means, we know it’s code for I’m gonna jam my little tiny boner into your back and hopes that you will get turned on enough to touch it and once you touch it I’m going to dry hump the fuck out of you while you try to watch the movie until you give up and let me take your pants off. So romantic right? I replied

“uh how about no.”

My first thought was, I’d rather shove forks in my eyes then spend two minutes with you, but I didn't say that. I was still trying to be nice, no idea why, but I was trying to remain calm and nice. But then my jaw actually dropped to the floor when he said

“how come?”

This man is a fucking idiot. Not only does he have an inflated sense of entitlement but he is a fucking idiot. I could have taken the high road and nicely cut him off but I had zero fucks left to give.

“How come? Because you actually make me want to vomit, choke on it, then die, just so I don’t have to talk to you again, so I think it would be best if you never talked to me again, have a nice life.”

He responded?! HE DID!

“Wow...take care I guess”

So that’s how I got rid of awkward man, tune in tomorrow to hear about my date on Saturday, with an Australian, all in effort to distract myself from Melvin and not put all my eggs into one basket which is really hard considering how sweet and awesome he was Friday night.

Don't You Forget About Me..Or Do, I Don't Really Care

I know its terrible date Tuesday; the thing is I am being a ball of suck today. I don’t think I can find it in me to talk about more failed dates, as hilarious as some of them are. Dating is draining, feelings are draining, and unreciprocated feelings are just fucking exhausting.

 I gave a big fuck you to Melvin last night after his vagina grew to an astonishing new size. He isn’t aware, it’s not like I started growing balls just because the man I was...I don’t even know what with...has a big sneaper, so I just deleted all forms of communication that I could possibly reach him with. It’s not like I could really tell him

“hey you know what...you are more of an emotional rollercoaster ride than my mother going through fucking menopause and if I stick around any longer I am going to throw...no hurl, myself off this mother fucking ride and pray for the sweet release of death to find me quickly as I plummet to my emotional death because I am starting to lose my mind trying to figure you out!”

Ya, see I can’t say that. I’d like to...but I can’t, so I won’t.  Because in my head I am secretly wishing for my 80’s love story ending...yes...I am still praying that one day someone will show up at my window with a boom box, blasting Simple Minds, Don’t You Forget About Me, wait for me to walk out my door and tell me that they were an idiot and give me some romantic lines about how awesome I am. But that isn’t going to happen, it never happens in real life. In real life I hang out with a melodramatic, self centered, over sized child who probably won’t even notice I stopped talking to him. In real life things are complicated. In real life...this just isn't working and in real life I realistically have many more years of heartbreak and dating disappointments to go through, and probably a nasty divorce leaving me as a single mother. That’s real life, not some 80’s movie I’ve made up in my head.  

So instead of saying all that and getting my hopes up, I just cut off communication, I know he isn’t going to put the effort into talking to me, unless you know he wants something or someone to feel bad for him and now I can’t reach out to him. I figured after weeks of being dicked around I had had enough, I’d put myself out there way to far, way too many times to get back extremely little. So that’s the end of that. I’m going to allow myself one night to wallow in self pitty while Abby and I skype and talk about our failed love interest, probably turn on my 80’s playlist and get the hell over him and this fantasy dating world I constantly live in.

Dating isn’t made up of magical moments where you walk into a room and he sees you across the room and walks over to you and sweeps you off your feet. We don’t get some modern day love affair where you meet at a party and fall asleep together on a roof top after talking all night. Dating isn’t about the guy you’ve lusted over for years suddenly realizing that he loves you too and you ride off into the sunset together. No fuck that. Now dating is drunken one night stands, Facebook and text messages, dirty pubs and on-line applications. Where is the romance? Where is the passion? Where the fuck is my 80's love story! Not in Melvin...I can tell you that much. Probably not in any one else, I am destined to be alone because my ridiculously high standards of romance. Great thank you Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, and Say Anything, for giving me unrealistic standards for love.