Excuse me, can you go fuck yourself?

I gave the last boot to awkward man on Sunday afternoon. After giving him the benefit of the doubt way to many times I finally had to put an end to it. See, he started out as that shy awkward man that made a horrible first impression, and then he turned into a slightly witty guy who didn’t seem horrible, but okay enough to preoccupy my time and stop me from obsessing over Melvin,( who by the way did the cutest thing ever on Friday night, leaving me completely smitten). But then awkward man took a turn for the worse, he became bossy, very bossy, and I do not do bossy. I don’t need to wear the pants, but if you are going to tell me what to do it better only be in bed.

Friday night he came back into town from being gone from work, he let me know that morning, I had already had plans, plans to get Nikki’s hung over ass out of bed so we could go drink with Melvin, but plans none the less.  So I made definite plans to go to a party on Saturday with Awkward Man. While I was out for drinks I tried to confirm that he was for sure coming tomorrow

Me- “so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

AM- “are you coming over tonight”

Me - “no, I have plans, I told you that”

AM - “Then that’s your answer.”

Me- “Fine have a good night”

It was really no sweat off my back, come or don’t come, I don’t really care, I don’t like you enough to care, you are a bad kisser and are generally pretty blah, so if you think that I’m changing my plans to accommodate you, you have another thing coming pal. And if you think I’m coming over after I’ve been drinking and you’ve been drinking then you are completely retarded.

When I arrived home Saturday afternoon from Melvin’s, Awkward man had texted me, he asked me what the plan was for the night. Are you confused? I was confused, and slightly over his bipolar, multiple personality episodes. We agree that I would pick him up at 9 and I went for a nap. When I woke up I reminded him that it was tight and bright. He said he wasn’t dressing up. I love theme parties, absolutely love them, I hate the people that are to cool to dress up. You don’t look cool, you look like the type of person who sucks fun out of life and I hate you. By him telling me he wasn’t dressing up it automatically made me not like him. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself I don’t even want to be in your presence, so I was annoyed when he said that I hadn’t told him it was a dress up party. I’d like to avert your eyes to the text above where I said...

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let me just repeat that in case you are as dense as this mother fucker

“so tomorrow is tight and bright, you for sure coming?”

Let’s not even count the times I VERBALLY said it on the phone. It was written down for him in text, text that you read, text that I can use as proof that I did in fact say it was a tight and bright party.

Now I’ve given my single fuck away and no more will be given to this man. I left my house and was on my way to pick him up. What happened next can only lead me to conclude this man has a delusional sense of self-importance and his mother must have told him repeatedly how awesome he was, because that is the only theory that makes sense to me.

Me- “I’m on my way”

AM – “We aren’t leaving right away”

Me – “yes we are”

AM- “this is not a democracy.”  (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YES IT IS!)

AM- “and besides my brothers want party so watch your tone  :P” (OH NO YOU DIDN’T!)

ME- “you just party with your brothers, I’m not picking you up, I’m already late, have a good night.”

What the fuck. Who do you think you are? I do not wait around for anyone (unless they are named Melvin). And you are very right this isn’t a democracy, it’s a I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want ocracy, and no way is a man I’ve been on four dates with going to tell me what I can and cannot do, sorry buddy you just blew it. I don’t know about you, but I thought that the tone of my text was very clear that I was not impressed, that maybe you should send an apology for being a giant bag of douche, but nope, around three on Sunday I got this

“hey, my roommates are gone for the day, did you want to come over and watch movies”

We all know what watch movies means, we know it’s code for I’m gonna jam my little tiny boner into your back and hopes that you will get turned on enough to touch it and once you touch it I’m going to dry hump the fuck out of you while you try to watch the movie until you give up and let me take your pants off. So romantic right? I replied

“uh how about no.”

My first thought was, I’d rather shove forks in my eyes then spend two minutes with you, but I didn't say that. I was still trying to be nice, no idea why, but I was trying to remain calm and nice. But then my jaw actually dropped to the floor when he said

“how come?”

This man is a fucking idiot. Not only does he have an inflated sense of entitlement but he is a fucking idiot. I could have taken the high road and nicely cut him off but I had zero fucks left to give.

“How come? Because you actually make me want to vomit, choke on it, then die, just so I don’t have to talk to you again, so I think it would be best if you never talked to me again, have a nice life.”

He responded?! HE DID!

“Wow...take care I guess”

So that’s how I got rid of awkward man, tune in tomorrow to hear about my date on Saturday, with an Australian, all in effort to distract myself from Melvin and not put all my eggs into one basket which is really hard considering how sweet and awesome he was Friday night.

Terrible Date Tuesday: Week of horror

So it’s terrible date Tuesday here at DL&P! It is easily becoming my favourite day of the week, even more so than Wine Wednesday. This week instead of just one terrible date we have a whole week of bad...no, terrible online dates! Dana (bless her heart) has submitted her week of horrible dates! Enjoy, I know I did!

 

Soooo date week from hell. Because I needed a whole week, not just one bad date in a week. I am fun like that

What does one do when they have a bad break up? They go on plenty of fish. To PROVE they are irresistible, smart, sexy women. They find their hottest pictures with their friends having bad hair days, or they find a picture of them and their ex and crop the SHIT out of that picture. I’m going to tell you all about my week of BAD pof dates.

Sunday – Break up, an angry break up too, not one of those sobbing ones, no no more like no motherfucker you are going to PAAAYYYYYYY FUCK YOU WATCH ME WALK AWAY FROM YOU AND MOVE ON WITH MY AWESOME LIFE!

Monday – go onto POF make your account, not pleading, not looking for life love, but you can’t say you just want to hang out because **apparently** that means hooking up. You need to be funny, light, smart, serious, great in general and pretend you NEVER go crazy. So you put up all the ex’s favorite pictures of you that you’ve cropped, then you wait. For an hour. Then tada TONS of desperate lonely men just chomping at the bit to get to know you! It’s great, you’re talking to so many men that are so interested in you!! Of course you get a couple weirdoes that are offering you Christen Grey type behaviour because their wives aren’t into it, but mostly they’re just lonely normal guys – Or so you think.

Tuesday- I make a date with a guy new here from British Columbia, they always seem pretty down to earth. Put on a cute shirt, random necklace – don’t want to scare them with too much real jewellery – and jeans. We are meeting at a local pub called East 40^th So first sign of a shitty date is that he meets me inside, obviously not a gentleman and would like to see me look around confused first. Second sign of a bad date is that he doesn’t look like his picture….at all…so much so that you’d think it was his distant cousin in the pictures and you’ve been bamboozled. But hey! He’s not a total monster so ill sit have a few drinks, I’m already there. He wants to have some pizza after he texted through two beers and barely grunted at my enquiries. So he gets 2 for 1 pizza. I ate three slices…he said “WOW you eat a lot of food for a girl hey?” What a dick! These were not huge pieces of pizza, just to be clear; these were normal size pizzas! Everyone knows that when you order two kinds of pizza you try one of each and go back for a second of your favourite. It’s common sense.  To top that night off, he goes in for a kiss, were we on the same date buddy? I do the deer in headlights, awkward hug, and turn and then DOVE into my car. Like I could have been on the Olympic swim team with the dive I took to get away from him. Then he called me repeatedly for another date….are you fucking kidding me? Did I miss something?

Wednesday- So I meet this guy at Tiffany’s, which is a pretty nice restaurant and he’s pretty cute, older though. So we plunk down in front of the fire place in these chairs that are not for dinner. But hey whatever, we all make mistakes. I easily reach 800 degrees in the first twelve minutes,  this is getting awkward. This guy starts comparing me to….his daughters….who are five years younger than me. WHHHAATTTT?!?!? Yea, seriously.  So now I’m sweating to death and I’m deeply disturbed by the kid thing. But oh well. We order some food, I ordered an appetizer and he orders a full 10 oz steak dinner. This would have been fine if it wasn’t for him getting pissed off at me for only ordering an appetizer.  To make matters worse he comments at least 12 times about how weird I am and that I’m obviously not from Red Deer (like that is an insult)….Born and raised actually….dumbass. Then he tried to get me to pay so I threw a twenty down and stalked off, I didn’t order the steak douche bag, pay for my ten dollar appetizer, I realize you have college to pay for your for your daughters but lay down the ten bucks and be a gentleman! He followed me out to my car and tried to kiss me good night….sorry no. This frigid bitch said have a good life; go for people in your own age gap!

After two dates there are two very apparent things...choosing what to order and how much eat is apparently a bigger deal than I thought it would be! And no matter how bad the date they will always go in for the kiss.

Thursday- Thursday, oh Thursday we should have stayed at home and watched old Friends reruns.  I went out on a date with a guy named Abram. Yes, I do understand now that the name should have tipped me off but nooooo. I don’t learn quickly, God forbid.  We went to Bo’s, he seemed shy, had a beer, pretty endearing. He was asking me about growing up in Red Deer and so I asked him similar questions. That’s when the first proverbial ball dropped…He is a Mexican Hudderite runaway. Yes, you read that right... MMMMMM I know how to pick em right? I was already three paralyzers in so I jumped right into the conversation being like What? How? Who? When? Where? Why? Apparently during WW2 they ran to Mexico with a handful of other huds and they all interbreeded (im not just being a bitch, just wait) and then they came up to Canada with his whole family of 10 and they all started working in Ontario, got ex communicated or whatever the hell you call it and so then he ran away to Alberta to start his own little dream. Now everybody in his family has 6 fingers on both hands (see I’m not just a bitch). BAM.wait wait wait this whole hudderite thing just got dropped on me, no way, nooo freakin way, I asked him to prove it, because I am three paralysers deep and I need proof of this…yeah... he did…phone pictures L that night ended with both of us going in opposite directions. I can’t run the risk of my future children having extra digits.

Friday – Friday came and I was jacked. Nothing bad happens on Fridays! It’s Friday, every ones gotta get down on Friday! I was going to cities, which I love due to their love of bacon. I figured life was good; I met this date on match.com which has to be MUCH better off than POF right?? NO. They are just social and emotional retards with money! Brutal I tell ya. Anyways this one smiles awkwardly in the parking lot (and I took that for endearing, I’m not looking to date a puppy but wtf maybe this little gaffer is just a little shy, better than a douche bag)  and we say hi and we go into cities grab a table …….. …….. …….. ……. And don’t say a thing. When I’m feeling nervous or awkward I talk. SO I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked like I was on some kind of illegal amphetamine, this was a bad situation. He answered everything in single syllables. He had a lego watch. He looked like Chuckie from Rugrats. His smile is still unknown to me.  I’m sure he did agree to date me, I remember him asking me and me agreeing but hot damn it looks like he was on a blind date that his mom set him up with. Pretty Brutal anyways after a mute dinner we ‘hugged it out’ in the parking lot never to speak to each other again.

Saturday – I went to my friend and got drunk properly. Deleted POF. And decided I would only date strangers I find in my bar because at least we will have that much in common.

Terrible Date Tuesday: The hamburglar

 Welcome to today's episode of terrible date Tuesday:

I’ve been on my far share of bad dates, this time though, it was me who was the terrible date, kind of. I met this guy on-line, aren’t we all shocked? This was a few years ago way before Kermit, back when drinking on weekdays was part of my weekly routine, you know, wake up, shower, poop, school, gym, eat, get drunk. I was really good at it, never really got hung over, was a functioning human being, seriously I could teach the course on drinking in college.

Like I said I met this guy on-line and we both went to the same college so one day we decided that in between classes we would meet up and grab a coffee. He was okay, nothing special, seemed like an okay guy, not really a spark. But he did live in the dorm and was having a huge kegger Friday night. Count me in, you don’t have to ask me twice. So I got 5 of my girlfriends together and made our way over to his kegger Friday night.

Once there he started hitting on my best friend, Ro at the time, meh that’s okay, I was at a kegger and there was millions of guys, you go girlfriend. After several keg stands and rounds of beer pong we made our way down to the country bar but not before I had picked up a stalker from the party. He seemed nice enough but he was not my type, at all, redneck, fat, and I think I remember red hair. Any ways, give me enough keg stands and I will think any one is funny and charming, so with beer goggles on I spent the night two stepping with him. At about 2:30 in the morning we decided we needed to go home because Ro was done dodging the guy I had a brief coffee date with. Red neck man asked for a ride home, fair enough you live close by, sure.

First thing he does is ask to bum a smoke. I am in college people. Money does not flow when you are in college, hence why I am talking to you red neck man, so you can buy me drinks because I am to fucking poor to buy them myself. What ever, I give him a smoke. He then asks to stop at Mcdonalds, again, I am poor, to poor for drunk Mcdonalds, so you know that’s poor, but he offers to pay so I make a pit stop.

Ro and I order are Mcdonalds, buddy orders his and has now “bummed” three smokes off of me. This is turning into my nightmare. We get up to pay and he says “oh fuck…I forgot my wallet at the bar.” Are you kidding me redneck man? Seriously. I hate you. I am driving you home, you’ve smoked my cigarettes and now I am not even getting Mcdonalds from you? I hate you. I spend my last 20 dollars on this Mcdonalds that we ordered and drive him home. Now usually when you go through drive through it goes one of two ways, you wait till you all get back to the house and all eat, or the passenger passes out the food. Simple theory right? He did neither, he just started eating, I could see him munching down in my peripherals. I wasn’t paying attention because I was angry with this man and looking at him repulsed me at this point. So we pull up to his dorm house and I say, pass Ro her Mcchicken. He said…I ate it. Why am I not surprised? Oh ya…you are oozing douche from every single poor. I said ok pass her mine…He said…I ate it. IT WAS A FIVE MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE YOU ATE ALL OF OUR DRUNK MCDONALDS! I snap, and say ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU FAT REDNECK SON OF A BITCH?! He then opens the door, farts, and says “thanks bitch”

 

What happened next is a complete blur. I went crazy. I get out of the car, take off my heels and chase that mother fucker down. Now the best part of this all is I was wearing a very little blue strapless dress. In my chase after him the strapless part had fallen down, so I am running after him, dress around my waste, boobs every where because they are just being held in by a strapless bra, I am bare foot, heels in hand and swearing like I am an angry sailor. Ro was behind me trying to stop me, but there was no stopping, I was on a mission…the mission, kill the fat, redneck man who I hate. He smoked my cigarettes, ate my food and called me a bitch and farted…I was going to hurt this man. So I jumped on his back and started beating him with my very cute black stiletto. Really legs wrapped around his stomach, holding on with one hand and beating him with the other. Naturally he is screaming so now people have gathered, Ro is back by the car laughing hysterically, and then there is me, on the back of this redneck douche bag, beating him like the crazy person I am. A guy finally pulls me off and I get in my car and drive home. Angry, hungry and out of smokes. Oh and broke because I paid for it.

My on-line dating profile

So I promised a reader that I would put my on-line dating profile on here before I closed my account. So please click here to be sent to my on-line dating profile. 

I realize this isn't my pof account because I closed it down or deactivated it or what ever you do so that you stop getting a million updates on your e-mail every day.

If you aren't from Alberta you may not find the humor in my profile but if you ever meet a rig pig or come and drink in the classy town of Red Deer you will understand where I am going with my profile.

Terrible Date Tuesday

We are going to start some thing new here at Diary of the lost and perplexed! I was really missing my 60 day It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken challenge and thought I needed some thing new and exciting for you guy! We are calling it Terrible Date Tuesday! Sounds fun right! Every Tuesday I am going to write about a terrible date I’ve been on just for your reading enjoyment! Now…I haven’t been on that many terrible dates, a few, enough to get a start on this, but I am going to need your help! So ladies and gentlemen I want to hear about all your terrible dates. It doesn’t have to be a first date, maybe your boyfriend took you on a bad date and you think the world should know about it, although first dates hold a special place in my heart. You can e-mail them to me here diaryofthelost@gmail.com or you can take a stroll over to my facebook page HERE! Please put the subject line JUSTINE THIS IS MY TERRIBLE DATE! I will read them while drinking wine and laugh at your misfortune, just as you laugh at mine, asshole.  So please share and let’s make Terrible Date Tuesday the best thing on the internet and help me get on Ellen. Because I really just do this blog in hopes of becoming famous and getting to go on Ellen one day! On that note…Ladies and gentlemen…the first entry of Terrible Date Tuesday! Welcome to the date I call The Drug Dealer.

The drug dealer

There has never been a date worse than this one. Never and I’ve had some bad ones. He informed me that he couldn’t meet me at the restaurant because his car wouldn’t start but if I could please pick him up that would be great. So I did, shit happens right? Ya, when I got to his house there wasn’t a car there? Maybe your problem was that you didn’t have a car to start, I’m not rocket scientist but generally one needs a car to start a car. I should have drove away then but I didn’t. Oh Justine…life choices.

So we go to a restaurant that he worked at…that he told me he owned, but he didn’t. He worked in the kitchen he didn’t own it. This man must be very confused because again I am not a rocket scientist, but just because you are an employee does not make you an owner.

We ordered a drink, as in one for each of us, no more, no less  and the only words out of his mouth was I like your necklace it’s really pretty. Convenient, my necklace hung right in between my tits. I mean I strategically planned that but still. Twenty minutes later he asked if I could drive him home because he needed to run to his friend’s house quick but then we could come back. So being young and dumb and thinking he was hot I agree. We go into his house and he pulls out a duffle bag. A FUCKING DUFFLE BAG! Any guess what was in this bag? A lot of mary jane. A lot of it. Like you know in movies how some one has a duffle bag full of drugs and one has the brief case full of money, picture that…just not brief case or money. Did that make me leave? No my friends it didn’t…because I was a stupid fucking twenty year old.

He starts to tell me about his promising music career and if I would like to hear his CD. If a man with a duffle bag full of weed asks if you want to hear his CD the answer is always, I mean always yes. He puts it in and out comes the best rap about a ham and cheese sandwich I think I have ever heard. Have you ever loved a sandwich so much you were compelled to write a song about it? No? Me either, but I want to meet the man who made a sandwich that good and give him a high five! The next song, even better, pink lemonade, we are sippin’ on some sweet pink lemonade. Ah…good times. He must of wrote those after hanging around with his duffle bag.

 I asked for a copy and I got one. Life 0 Justine 1! I have a little token to remember this date always. Some people get taken to carnivals and the boy wins them a teddy bear, I get a duffle bag full of weed and a rap CD, thus is life.  

At this point he got up to go to the bathroom. I did what any completely insane 20 year old would do, I grabbed a zip lock bag from the table and put some of that weed in a bag and shoved it in my pocket. Ya, you read that right. I stole from a drug dealer. Not recommended but this point I needed some thing to do damage control on how bad this date had been. It was at this time that I hear *SNOOORRTTTTTTTTT* in the bathroom…ok maybe you just have a booger you have to suck up…but then it happens again…and again…and again. Ya that’s not a booger my friends…that’s a man riding the rails to happy land. Furthermore who snorts that loudly! Fucking weird man. Now I may not be above stealing some bud from a drug dealer, but I am definitely above that. I am getting the hell out of dodge. So I say “uuh my friend just texted me I have t go, sorry it was nice to meet you!” He comes out of the bathroom and asks if I can drive him to drop off some weed at his friend’s house. Seriously dude? We just met tonight…no. I am taking my free weed and getting the hell out of dodge. End of date. Sadly I never heard from that gem of a man again. But I did smoke that weed while listening to his CD. Best thing ever. Ah…where is that CD!?

Casual dating dilemma

So I’ve officially given up on on-line dating, after 4 penis pictures, one extremely creepy guy that I am going to keep private, one awkward first date and countless messages from men that I have zero interest in…I’ve sworn it off.  I’m sorry folks; I know you were all looking forward to hearing about my on-line dating adventures. But to be honest I have know problem getting dates in real life and the men on that site are sub-par.

But when it comes to dating how much is too much?

Since Kermit, I have been on 5 dates. That may not seem like a lot to you but keep in mind that I cried for the first month of our break up so I’ve only been dating for about a month. Or maybe you see where I am coming from and it seems like a lot. I think it’s a lot. Basically one a week and there was potential for more that I backed out of with excuses like ice fishing trip, terminal illness, and one unexpected holiday to Mexico. It’s exhausting and looking back I need to come up with better excuses.

But that’s what dating is about isn’t it? Dating different guys, seeing what’s out there, try to figure out what type is good for you?

Currently I guess I am casually dating two guys, at the same time. Mathew Mchottie and Awkward first date guy who I gave a second chance after he corrected my grammar in a text message. What can I say; I am a sucker for condescending assholes. Now this is easy because Mathew Mchottie is in Toronto and awkward guy is here. I couldn’t imagine the juggling skills required to pull of two guys in the same city.

Neither guy is exclusive, although they’ve both expressed that that is where they would like to see it end up. So should I feel guilty for dating two guys at the same time? Does it make it okay because one is in Toronto? Because if any thing I just feel worse that he flying me out to see him and I am casually dating another guy. Although that I would like to point out that me and Mr. Awkward have not so much as kissed or held hands, we had our awkward hug but that was it.

So in my personal dilemma I went to Jenna and posed my question to her…how many is too many. She said 5 at the same time. That sounds exhausting but that’s a lot of free dinners. So that’s an upside…although that may make my belt size go up.

The flip side to that is one at a time. I feel like that’s putting all my eggs in one basket. But is exclusively casually dating the way to go or am I okay with taking casual dating for what it is…casual. 

The most awkward first date that left me with a man who told me he was infatuated by me

Friday night, I got dressed up and went for a drink with my sister. Well when I got home around 9 o’clock I felt like I couldn’t waste a good hair day and a good outfit on one drink (that would be selfish, obviously), so there was a guy that I had been talking to from the hell that we call internet dating. I texted him and said, if he wanted to we could meet up for a drink, but I don’t know how long I can stay because I had to be up early. I figure that way if it was horrible I’d have a reason to have to bail. So we met up on his side of town and some how I got there first? Weird, because I just drove across town and he lived 5 minutes away. I grab a seat by the door and text every one I know to tell them that if it’s horrible I will text them “chicken” and they have to call me.  And thus begun the most awkward first date that left me with a man who told me he was infatuated by me.

OK ready, set, go…he walks in…and nothing. No butterflies, sparks, excitement. I’ve felt butterflies since Kermit, mostly with Skipper but I know that I can feel them with some one else other than Kermit. But I felt nothing on my end. Oh well, he doesn’t look horrible, he was kind of cute, I decide to stay (maybe it would get better right?) and chat with him; except by stay and chat with him I mean I try to make awkward conversation and he just shyly answers and I basically have a conversation with a wall. 20 minutes and half a beer later, he informs me that he had to take his brothers truck (yes, I passed judgment on the face that he had to take his 20 year old brothers truck) back to him so his brother could go to work but he could walk back if I didn’t mind waiting there. WHERE DO I FIND THESE MEN! Oh ya...in the scum of internet dating land. Yes, I do mind actually, I think most people would mind. That's like saying, you just sit here and have a better conversation with a door, but don't you worry, I'll be back in twenty minutes; so yes, I think that’s fucking weird and I'll just go home thanks. So we stay and chat for 20 more minutes, again mostly me trying to carry on some kind of conversation, then wrap it up. He pays the bill, about one of the only things he did right on this date. Then we walk out.

Now I am not a dating expert by any means but I’ve have been on some amazing first dates and some horrible first dates. I will make a chart for you guys some day. But, my point is…this date was average. On every level it was completely average. There was just a lot of mistakes on his end (not on mine, I am the perfect first date) that left me driving home thinking that this would have had to be his first, first date.

First he was shy, which is fine, some people are shy, but at least know how to carry on a conversation. I’ll give you a hint, conversations flow, they should be easy when there is a connection, some one says some thing, usually in question form, you answer the question in more then one or two words, then maybe ask me a question, you know, build on the conversation,  get to know each other,  we’ve been texting for a week, you know a little about me, ask me some thing.

Also another important part of a conversation is to look at some one when they talk to you. Do not go all crazy eyes on me, don’t stare at me like a crazy stalker, but if you could look in my direction that would be appreciated.

Don’t pull out your phone on a date. Never. You go to the bathroom but pulling out your phone to text is weird and just adds to the awkwardness of you not knowing how to carry on a conversation. The only time you pull out your phone is when you are trying to bail on your date. That’s a fact. And even then you go to the bathroom and come back with your phone in your hand, set it on the table and wait for your friend to call you to tell you she is going into labor.

Then it comes time for the awkward good bye. Unless you are 100 percent sure it was an amazing first date you don’t ask for a hug. (hint, if you have to ask for a hug it wasn’t a good date). Regardless, I am not a hugger, unless I love you, then I will hug the shit out of you; but until then, we don’t hug. He stops when we go to part ways to our car, I had turned to walk away, I said goodnight, then the awkward can I have a hug statement comes. Augh. We are not on hugging levels and because of this I say I’m not a hugger but sure. Auughhh why are you touching me; no touchy. No, not even a high five at this point. And I love high fives.

I drive home. I get a text message, “it’s not fair how beautiful you are, I want to see you again soon.” Were we on the same date? Because that was not amazing. It was weird. You were shy and I filled in the  gaps with nervous conversation. Seriously, when the best part of the date was when you went to pay and I watch a very drunk girl dancing around in a helmet it probably means there wasn’t a connection, at least from my end.  And here is a hint, don’t get all brave with text messages after the date is over. So begun the string of you’re amazing text messages. I don’t even know why? I wasn’t charming, my outfit was good, and my hair was good and I was rocking a Kim K smokey eye, but it was just about the most awkward 40 minutes in my dating life. Just about…I’ve had one date worse than that.

Also, do not, I repeat, do not send a text message that says, "so if you aren't are a hugger, does that mean you aren't a cuddler?" Cuddle with you? Hold your horses pony boy. We are not talking about cuddling yet, cuddling happens once you've shagged and unless you count that picture of me you keep next to your bed and tube of vaseline intercourse is not happening between us. 

Another hint, do not ask some one out on a second date through text message. This may be my new biggest pet peeve. The first date, sure, I can understand that if it came through the hell that we call internet dating, but after we meet, pick up the phone and call me, come up with a plan, be a man about this, take control. Girls like it. None of this pansy ass dancing around, well what would you like to do shit. Come up with an idea, call me, ask me, we go. Simple. Take charge. It is the single most important thing if you want a second date. When I ask you on a date, I'll come up with a plan, but I don't have to do that until the fourth date. Until then, it's all you baby. 

And lastly, don’t say things like I know you like me too. Uhh, well I don’t. I am sorry, you were average on every single aspect of that date. But I like your confidence. Use that confidence to pick up the phone and ask me on a date, not a text message.

So that was my first internet date after Kermit…and by all means, left me feeling hopeless about the potential dating pool in Shitville. I mean, we know that I am the classiest lady to walk this earth, so if you could try to be a gentleman, at least a modern day gentleman, that would be great.

Oh well, Saturday night proved to be more interesting when I went out with guys from work and one of them kissed me. We are just going to pleasantly ignore it because he leaves to go work up north for the next month, and may have a girlfriend who lives in B.C. What is it with guys who have girlfriends? Why is it that guys I think I am friends with like me but the ones that I like hate me. Well…cheers to being single and not having to care I guess. 

Day 58...What's wrong with on-line dating? Let me tell you.

I am done with on-line dating. Mostly because after the events of this weekend it is apparent that I am not ready to date and my emotional baggage is not being dealt with in a healthy way. Except for Mathew Mchottie, because well, he has my flights booked to Toronto at the end of the month. Continue to judge all you want. But I want to talk to you about on-line dating, not my life choices. I am going to be brutally honest and you can all call me a bitch later but deep down you know I am right.

This may get a little complicated but try to stay with me.

In real life people are on scales. It’s a hot/smart/funny scale, meaning you can be 10 out of 10 on the hot scale, but if you are dumb as fuck, uninteresting and just plain boring and you are a 2 out of 10 on the smart scale, but lets say you are funny, you can tell some mean one liners and are a 5 out of 10 on the funny scale, you are no longer a 10 out of 10 because you are hot. You take the average of the three and that’s what you actually are.

Now when you are dating, you tend to date within a couple points of your average. It’s a fact, you never see a smart, sexy, hot guy with a girl who is ugly and dumb (although money can some times play a role in affecting this scale). People generally have some kind of self awareness as where they sit on this scale and so they tend to hit on, date, flirt, and sleep with people on the same level as them. It makes sense right? You never see a 8 with a 2, it’s usually a 4 with a 6, or a 7 with an 8…you get the picture?

The problem with on-line dating is that this scale is thrown out the window and can create some huge problems.  This scale makes sense and it works and gives some kind of cushion for being rejected. I would never walk up to Clooney and start flirting with him; he is out of my range. I mean, I am pretty funny and I am pretty (okay, when I put make up on) but I am not on his level of sexiness.

In the world of on-line dating, people have this sense of bravery when they hide behind a computer screen. Hey, what harm can it do, I’ll send a quick Hi and see what I get back. Because of this false confidence dating sites make you put up pictures to give you some kind of idea so you know not to reply and you can read the little write up to see if they are complete idiots. Another rule I have is there is 420 in the user name, I delete, I don’t even read because I already know what it will say. But I mean these sites make it so you can get a general idea, you can’t get the full picture but you get an idea, hence the long drawn out process of chatting back and forth, maybe a phone call then the actual date, and the fact that you have to sort through a million men to find one who isn’t a loser.

Also, as a general rule for pictures guys tend to look better, girls tend to look worse or the same as pictures.  Generally, girls never look better. We understand camera angles that make us look hot.

On occasion you can get messages and they don’t have pictures, I generally don’t reply because no pictures means either

a)      They have a girlfriend

b)      They are ugly

Either way I don’t want to reply to either of those guys. Unless you count that guy with the girlfriend from Friday because I would let him take me on a date just to spite his girlfriend who I hate.

But I made an acceptation to the rule when I read this message and the guy was funny, a little witty, seemed generally interesting, and okay.

So we talk for a couple days and I am interested in this guy (in a you don’t seem to bad for being on a dating website kind of way), it doesn’t help that in my head I am picturing this Ian Somerhalder, Johnny Depp, tortured soul with this dark mysterious side. Seriously, doesn’t that sound magical? In my head he is sexy, so I ask for a picture and pray for the best. Please, please, please have eyes like Ian and the personality of Johnny and the abs of Channing. Please say there wasn’t pictures because you are just too damn sexy they made you take them down. Yes, people, I understand the odds of this happening are .03% but I am a believer.

 I did not even know what to do. He was probably 350 pounds, glasses, greasy, man. At this point you probably think I am a huge bitch, but seriously, let me refer you back to the dating scale, I am a 6 or a 7, he was a 2. I put pictures on my profile, good and bad pictures, so you know what you are getting, on my good and my bad days. He could see what I looked liked. He knew what he was getting. I got Chris Farley with out the funny personality, because I could have at least friend zoned this guy if that was the case. The picture of my Ian, Johnny, Channing mix suddenly turns into this man and all I can think of is fat guy little jacket. Seriously, I almost sent that clip from Tommy Boy and left it at that. But I didn’t; because I am not a heartless bitch.

So even though, I can be a bitch, I am usually only a bitch when I need to be or you’ve pissed me off; this guy had done neither, so I was trying to be nice. I simple said to him that I was casually dating another guy and things where starting to get more serious and I wanted to see where it would go.

That is the politest way I’ve ever let some one down. I feel like that was super awesome of me. I could have told him that he was too ugly for me to be seen in public with, but that would have been mean.

This man went off the deep end crazy! Saying that he didn’t care if I was dating some one else, I needed to continue to talk to him because he enjoyed talking to me. Uhh, you are not Christian Grey, you can not talk to me like that. I have never been good with being told what to do. Maybe in bed but even then in the back of my mind, I am saying don’t tell me what to do. So I still tried to be nice, saying that I was not comfortable with that but I would contact him if things didn’t work. Again, I am obviously giving you the brush off; I am trying to be nice. Take it and go.

He then flew off the fucking handle. He told me that I was only saying this because of how he looked. At this point I had never mentioned any thing about looks. I didn’t say any thing about the pictures he sent. Not a damn fucking thing, so now I am a little angry. I tried to be nice jackass now you are just being rude. So in the nicest way possible I said, that he did seem different than most guys I’ve date, but I enjoyed talking to him, and (again) I would let him know if things did not pan out with my imaginary serious relationship. Seriously I should get an award at this point for being so nice. Okay, maybe not, but it was pretty damn nice for me.

HE CAME BACK FOR MORE! How did this man just not pick up his dignity and move on? He then asked what kind of guys I usually date, I said guys I find hot. Maybe not the best answer, but that’s generally how I pick my boyfriends. He then asked me how that worked out for me; are you kidding me? Well, fuck you too, asshole. So I did what any sane person would do. I said that for the most part it worked. Which is kind of true.; but let’s be honest here, I have a man flying me across Canada, a man who has the body of Matthew Mcconaughey, I am not going on a date with Chris Farley. I don’t even care how that makes me sound…it’s true.

 I really thought that would be the end of this crazy man sadly it wasn’t. I didn’t leave any openings for him to continue the conversation but that didn’t stop him, nope this man is relentless. Obviously, I pissed him off, and he was going to shell out his years of rejection on me.

He told me the only thing I have going for me is nice hair. Umm, Mr. I am so fucking full of myself for no apparent reason, what do you have going for you? And my hair is nice thank you; it is also hella expensive, thanks for noticing jackass. Apparently I am also a self centered, egotistical, materialistic bitch just to let you know. Crazy because twenty minutes ago you wouldn’t let me nicely stop talking to you. Go figure.

So thus concludes my month of on-line dating. I am going back to the real world of dating where you can judge people in silence and use the hot/smart/funny scale. If you want my honest opinion, this is what’s wrong with the world we date in. False confidence behind a computer screen, fine for blogging, bad for dating; if you want to ask some one on a date, grab some real life balls and approach her when you are half corked like a normal person. 

Day 52...Smart and sexy and educated, OH MY!

you: what are you doing tonight Justine? 

Me: oh you know…going on a date…with a guy who’s name isn’t Skipper, Kermit, or SSM. This guy knows the difference between then and than, doesn’t have a girlfriend, and isn’t an alcoholic!

You: Praise Allah maybe there is hope for you

Me: No, not really, I am considering canceling because I don’t want to put pants on…but my jungle fever is making me seriously consider putting on pants 

You: Justine. Put pants on go on this date. He sounds better than the other guys you took your pants off for

Me: Yes, that is true. But there is just one problem

You: There always is

Me: He has a 4 year old kid so there could be potential for baby momma drama

You: Run.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do! Smart, well educated, stable good job, hot, and it will help with my jungle fever. What’s a little potential baby momma drama?!

You: You are an idiot. You can’t take care of yourself, what would you do with a 4 year old

Me: Shut up. It’s only one date.  Don’t get ahead of yourself. I am going to put pants on and go. Fuck you.

Day 50...Warning this post involves a huge random penis

I know you've all been like "God damn Justine, you've been whiny and boy obsessed lately. Go back to being awesome and stop having feelings!" Well, to that I say, I agree. I also say you are in for a treat. I am about to make it up to you.

I picked up an internet stalker a month or so ago, remember? Of  course you do, because you hang off of every word I write like I am Shakespeare. So you know, the one who kept messaging me, like ten times, even when I didn't reply. Him. Well, I deleted him off my phone and he popped back up last week and I was feeling sad so I messaged him back. Mistake! You give a stalker an inch and they show up at your house.

Well, I stopped replying to him and this morning the messages started again.

"hey beautiful"

"hey?"

"how's your day?"

"should I just delete you"

now I start to feel bad so I say

"I am super busy. Sorry."

I thought that he would get the hint? EVEN I WOULD GET THAT HINT! I think. I mean, that is the nicest way I could think of to end the conversation and have him get the hint that I didn't want to talk to him any more.

So this is what happens next.

BAM!!!!!!IT'S A FUCKING PENIS! IT'S A HUGE FUCKING PENIS! DOES "I AM SUPER BUSY. SORRY" ACTUALLY MEAN SEND ME A DICK PIC? BECAUSE IF IT DOES I WILL NEVER BE BUSY OR SORRY AGAIN! ( I know I shouldn't put random junk pictures online, but if you send a picture of your dick to a random girl you've never met, you are asking for it to be spread on the internet.)

Then he goes

"you like?"

I'd like if it wasn't attached to you and was attached to some one less stalkerish, creepy and better looking. 

How does one even respond to that? WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO SEND ME PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALS! Do I give off some vibe that I am unaware of?  Do people think that I need to see a picture of their junk and have it saved onto my phone? I know where youporn is, I don't need your random dong on my phone. The internet is filled with them. Although the is the biggest dong I have ever seen. Except for maybe Mike's, because his is exceptionally big as well. Don't ask me how I know that. 

But seriously. What does one say back to that? I am currently taking suggestions because I have no fucking clue. So far this is what I've come up with...

Nice dick? Please don't talk to me again?

I think I've seen your dick on youporn before. I don't date men in the porn industry, please don't talk to me again.

error: I have turned into a lesbian. Sorry. (courtesy of Kirsten)

or my final idea is

I just want you to know...I write a blog...all my readers have now seen your dick. Sorry. I don't think it will work out between us. But thanks for the great blog post.

Seriously. Who does that?!