Terrible Date Tuesday: Week of horror

So it’s terrible date Tuesday here at DL&P! It is easily becoming my favourite day of the week, even more so than Wine Wednesday. This week instead of just one terrible date we have a whole week of bad...no, terrible online dates! Dana (bless her heart) has submitted her week of horrible dates! Enjoy, I know I did!

 

Soooo date week from hell. Because I needed a whole week, not just one bad date in a week. I am fun like that

What does one do when they have a bad break up? They go on plenty of fish. To PROVE they are irresistible, smart, sexy women. They find their hottest pictures with their friends having bad hair days, or they find a picture of them and their ex and crop the SHIT out of that picture. I’m going to tell you all about my week of BAD pof dates.

Sunday – Break up, an angry break up too, not one of those sobbing ones, no no more like no motherfucker you are going to PAAAYYYYYYY FUCK YOU WATCH ME WALK AWAY FROM YOU AND MOVE ON WITH MY AWESOME LIFE!

Monday – go onto POF make your account, not pleading, not looking for life love, but you can’t say you just want to hang out because **apparently** that means hooking up. You need to be funny, light, smart, serious, great in general and pretend you NEVER go crazy. So you put up all the ex’s favorite pictures of you that you’ve cropped, then you wait. For an hour. Then tada TONS of desperate lonely men just chomping at the bit to get to know you! It’s great, you’re talking to so many men that are so interested in you!! Of course you get a couple weirdoes that are offering you Christen Grey type behaviour because their wives aren’t into it, but mostly they’re just lonely normal guys – Or so you think.

Tuesday- I make a date with a guy new here from British Columbia, they always seem pretty down to earth. Put on a cute shirt, random necklace – don’t want to scare them with too much real jewellery – and jeans. We are meeting at a local pub called East 40^th So first sign of a shitty date is that he meets me inside, obviously not a gentleman and would like to see me look around confused first. Second sign of a bad date is that he doesn’t look like his picture….at all…so much so that you’d think it was his distant cousin in the pictures and you’ve been bamboozled. But hey! He’s not a total monster so ill sit have a few drinks, I’m already there. He wants to have some pizza after he texted through two beers and barely grunted at my enquiries. So he gets 2 for 1 pizza. I ate three slices…he said “WOW you eat a lot of food for a girl hey?” What a dick! These were not huge pieces of pizza, just to be clear; these were normal size pizzas! Everyone knows that when you order two kinds of pizza you try one of each and go back for a second of your favourite. It’s common sense.  To top that night off, he goes in for a kiss, were we on the same date buddy? I do the deer in headlights, awkward hug, and turn and then DOVE into my car. Like I could have been on the Olympic swim team with the dive I took to get away from him. Then he called me repeatedly for another date….are you fucking kidding me? Did I miss something?

Wednesday- So I meet this guy at Tiffany’s, which is a pretty nice restaurant and he’s pretty cute, older though. So we plunk down in front of the fire place in these chairs that are not for dinner. But hey whatever, we all make mistakes. I easily reach 800 degrees in the first twelve minutes,  this is getting awkward. This guy starts comparing me to….his daughters….who are five years younger than me. WHHHAATTTT?!?!? Yea, seriously.  So now I’m sweating to death and I’m deeply disturbed by the kid thing. But oh well. We order some food, I ordered an appetizer and he orders a full 10 oz steak dinner. This would have been fine if it wasn’t for him getting pissed off at me for only ordering an appetizer.  To make matters worse he comments at least 12 times about how weird I am and that I’m obviously not from Red Deer (like that is an insult)….Born and raised actually….dumbass. Then he tried to get me to pay so I threw a twenty down and stalked off, I didn’t order the steak douche bag, pay for my ten dollar appetizer, I realize you have college to pay for your for your daughters but lay down the ten bucks and be a gentleman! He followed me out to my car and tried to kiss me good night….sorry no. This frigid bitch said have a good life; go for people in your own age gap!

After two dates there are two very apparent things...choosing what to order and how much eat is apparently a bigger deal than I thought it would be! And no matter how bad the date they will always go in for the kiss.

Thursday- Thursday, oh Thursday we should have stayed at home and watched old Friends reruns.  I went out on a date with a guy named Abram. Yes, I do understand now that the name should have tipped me off but nooooo. I don’t learn quickly, God forbid.  We went to Bo’s, he seemed shy, had a beer, pretty endearing. He was asking me about growing up in Red Deer and so I asked him similar questions. That’s when the first proverbial ball dropped…He is a Mexican Hudderite runaway. Yes, you read that right... MMMMMM I know how to pick em right? I was already three paralyzers in so I jumped right into the conversation being like What? How? Who? When? Where? Why? Apparently during WW2 they ran to Mexico with a handful of other huds and they all interbreeded (im not just being a bitch, just wait) and then they came up to Canada with his whole family of 10 and they all started working in Ontario, got ex communicated or whatever the hell you call it and so then he ran away to Alberta to start his own little dream. Now everybody in his family has 6 fingers on both hands (see I’m not just a bitch). BAM.wait wait wait this whole hudderite thing just got dropped on me, no way, nooo freakin way, I asked him to prove it, because I am three paralysers deep and I need proof of this…yeah... he did…phone pictures L that night ended with both of us going in opposite directions. I can’t run the risk of my future children having extra digits.

Friday – Friday came and I was jacked. Nothing bad happens on Fridays! It’s Friday, every ones gotta get down on Friday! I was going to cities, which I love due to their love of bacon. I figured life was good; I met this date on match.com which has to be MUCH better off than POF right?? NO. They are just social and emotional retards with money! Brutal I tell ya. Anyways this one smiles awkwardly in the parking lot (and I took that for endearing, I’m not looking to date a puppy but wtf maybe this little gaffer is just a little shy, better than a douche bag)  and we say hi and we go into cities grab a table …….. …….. …….. ……. And don’t say a thing. When I’m feeling nervous or awkward I talk. SO I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked like I was on some kind of illegal amphetamine, this was a bad situation. He answered everything in single syllables. He had a lego watch. He looked like Chuckie from Rugrats. His smile is still unknown to me.  I’m sure he did agree to date me, I remember him asking me and me agreeing but hot damn it looks like he was on a blind date that his mom set him up with. Pretty Brutal anyways after a mute dinner we ‘hugged it out’ in the parking lot never to speak to each other again.

Saturday – I went to my friend and got drunk properly. Deleted POF. And decided I would only date strangers I find in my bar because at least we will have that much in common.