Day 51...Crystal ball please tell me what to do

 I have a dilemma, and Amy Poehler cancelled on me last week so now you guys get the grunt of it and now I don’t know what to do. I hate making decisions, I am scared to make the wrong choice. Apparently you aren't suppose to look at your choices and have it as passing and failing but I disagree, you either make the right choice or the wrong choice. You can fix the wrong choice but it's still the wrong choice.

You only get one life, that’s it, and it goes by fast. At 23 I thought I would have more figured out, as we know I don’t. I am lost trying to figure out what I need for the rest of my life. What I am suppose to do as a career, where I am suppose to end up, and if I am making the right choice.

I wish I was like those kids who knew they wanted to be a fireman, cop or nurse. You know? No, you probably don't because you don't have to see a therapist to help you with your anxiety. People who know what they wanted for a career went to school, got jobs, work, get married, have kids, raise kids, retire, die. That's their life and they have it figured out, they have a game plan. So far my game plan looks like this, drink wine on Friday night. That’s it, because past that I don’t have a plan.

I applied for school in Toronto. I am absolutely terrified that I’ll get it because then the choice is easy, I move. Am I ready to pack up and move my life out to Toronto, where yes, Abby and Jade, are living, and sure Matthew Mchottie is out there and has said I can come stay with him, he will take care of me and that he thinks we could really work together, but I would be leaving my whole life behind for a new one. As much as my life is a big giant question mark right now, I have people here, friends that have turned into family, family that mean the world to me. Could I leave Jenna, Coupon Queen, Jeffrey, Mike and all my other friends? I honestly don’t know if I could. I know I will make knew friends but I don’t want knew friends. I love my family and friends. They are the only solid part of my life. Every thing else is up in the air.

And I have decided I really am not into planning weddings, corporate events, yes, weddings, no. As much as I love weddings, I am not willing to give up every weekend of my summer, I’m just not. I enjoy working 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, with my weekends off to do what ever I want. I like that part.  You don’t get that when you are planning weddings, your weekends are filled with weddings, setting up and taking down. But Shitville just isn’t big enough to have a job planning corporate events, the biggest events here are our local hockey teams 80’s nights or the local bands playing down town. It would involve moving regardless, unless I choose some thing else to do with my life. Maybe I could just be happy working in an office, getting married, having kids. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I wont hate it. But I really feel like I want more than that.

I am also scared to make the wrong choice, I feel like at 23 I am only three years away from my scary age. 26 is my scary age, it’s the age where I feel like I should have all the shit I don’t have figure out now, done. So that’s only three years, so I have to get going. I have to pick a plan and go with it because being stuck here not knowing isn’t an answer and it’s getting me no where.  If I just pick a plan, go with it, and I fail, I still have time to fix it. The answer would be easy if I could take Jenna, Mike, Coupon Queen and Jeffrey with me to Toronto, I’d be there, I’d know what I wanted to do and I would be happy. Sadly they are staying in Alberta, doing their thing. How selfish of them. 

Day 43...but she says I am the most normal client she sees

I have a problem, well I don’t think it’s a problem but men do. See, the thing is, after my relationship with Kermit ended, I vowed to always be myself, my dorky, loud, awkward, tap dancing, anxiety filled, slightly depressed self. I vowed that I would be this way from the start, so there wasn’t any surprises along the way, you know like three months into a relationship and they find out that I like to tap dance while I clean like I am God damn Shirley Temple and suddenly they are weirded out and stop calling me and I’ve invested three months of dating time with this guy who doesn’t appreciate tap dancing. Well, part of being myself is being 100 percent honest, always, unless we count internet guy, and in that case I am still on my ice fishing trip and it’s going splendid, thank you for asking.

So when a guy texts me, what are you doing this afternoon, I some times reply, seeing my therapist. It’s usually followed by 

“oh know! Did you hurt your knee?” 

Then things get really awkward because I have to say, 

 "no, like a mental therapist, but she says I am the most normal client she sees, so that’s a bonus." 

Ya, see that sentence right there, guys don’t like it. Guys have a fear of crazy women and a women who sees a therapist must be the queen of crazy. She must have issues coming out of her asshole and they don’t want any thing to do with that.

But the thing is, if you have a problem with my seeing Amy Poehler, I’d rather know right away, so I can disregard my anxiety coping mechanism and kick you in the balls.

But men if you are reading this, I am going to give you a hint. Every single female has issues coming out of her asshole. We all need a therapist, I was just smart enough to get forced into seeing one. We have daddy issues, trust issues,  middle child issues, mother-in-law issues, work issues, my ex is an asshole issues, and there isn’t enough money in my bank account to buy another bottle of wine issues. We all have them, you do too, we just don’t hide ours, and have more of them. The difference between me and the girls who choose to keep their issues locked inside and blow up on you because you said you didn’t want pork for dinner is that  I deal with my issues. I am medicated, I am not going to  fly off the handle, why? Because I take drugs for that and if I want to snap I don’t because I’m learning to deal with my issues and if I do it was probably justified and you deserved it. So really, you should be happy that at least I know that women are crazy, that I am crazy, and I am dealing with it instead of keeping it in and throwing a hamburger at you or plotting your death while you sleep.

See I really think every one needs a therapist. Amy Poehler happens to be awesome. It’s like I get to take an afternoon off work once a week and go have lunch with my friend, except we don’t eat and it’s in her office, and I have to pass the person who I am fairly certain doesn’t shower every time I go in.