I'm failing at this whole contributing member to society thing...yet again

In less than a month I will 24 years old, which is only two years away from my scary age of 26, 26 absolutely terrifies me, I don’t know why but on my 26^th birthday you will find me curled up in the fetal position with wine, crying, I can almost guarantee it. So when you are almost 24 and you spend your Friday night, in bed, living in your parents basement, listening to Bon Iver instead of getting up and going on a date you start to really think to yourself “what am I doing with my life.” When you spend your Saturday night at a nightclub where the average age of every one in attendance is 17, girls scream “OH MY GAAWWDD I LOVE THIS SONG!” and “DO YOU LIKE TOTALLY THINK I’LL NEED ID,, you think “wow...this is what I am doing with my life, fuck.” Then when you spend your Sunday night at Melvin’s house drinking beer and hanging out you think “well...can’t get much worse can it?” And that is my weekend. In a nut shell...and then I reached a new low this morning when my gas light came on and I put ten dollars worth of gas in my tank and I paid with Loonies. Not even strippers who get paid in loonies have so little dignity that they pay in Loonies. But I feel zero shame, because you know where my money went? Boonstock tickets and a bridesmaid dress for Jenna’s wedding. Totally worth it. So when you see me pushing my car home because I have ran out of Loonies and can no longer fill my gas tank this week, know that it is totally worth it.

Well...isn't that something

So, boss man has been doing some serious layoffs lately, and because I am a hard working individual, some days, I made the cut, I have a job, but you know who didn’t make the cut, the cleaning lady, so that means I have to clean up after gross disgusting toothy and his friends with equally poor hygiene. Let me tell you I am neither Mexican or a struggling surfer, so cleaning toilets is not in my forte, but boss man scares the hell out of me and efforts to keep my job, until I find a new one, I am cleaning like a mother fucker. But that is really what began this whole job search thing, I really have a hard time doing the dishes for grown men who are more than capable of doing their own and an even harder time scrubbing someone else’s shit off a toilet, unless I am getting some kind of sexual favors for it, and my requirement for that to happen is you have to have teeth...so no one here makes the cut, sadly.

But see, this whole situation has thrown a freaking loop into my plan, work here till October, go to Thailand for a month, have a blasty blast in Thailand, come back wiser and cultured and start school in January, cause this bitch is going back to school ya’ll! This is a deadly plan. I am excited about this plan, this plan has taken YEARS to come up with and I came up with this plan all by myself. Note how there is no mention of a boy in that plan, because I am tuning into my inner Beyoncé and becoming an independent women as well as a contributing member to society!

But between the toilet situation and this imminent fear of losing my job  I put out a few resumes and that lead to the job interview yesterday. I was fully expecting to trade one shitty office job for another shitty office job, I have done this interview, I have dazzled the interviewer with my charm and smart and mature answers, I wrote the fucking book on bad office jobs. But then, I went to this interview and was genuinely excited about this position and the company and now I find myself in full panic mode because I have just made a plan and I like my plan, why interviewer did you have to dazzle me with your job opportunity that sounds actually fun and exciting. WHY WHY WHY! But I am not stressing, I don’t know if I have the job yet, I don’t know if I want the job yet, I know that on paper it sounded good. And we know that just because something sounds good on paper doesn’t mean they produce. So I’m not into full panic mode yet, just to keep ya’ll up dated.

By the way, no I have not moved to Texas, I am just one season down in Friday Night Lights and I’ve grown quite fond of saying ya’ll like the people do on the show.

Why I may never grow up to be a contributing member of societty reason # 40

So I have a job interview today, no, I am not becoming a contributing member to society, it’s still an office job, a shitty office job of that I have no doubt, but it’s a higher paying office job, so I’d get paid more to multitask between my shitty office job, day dreaming and writing this blog. It’s almost like I am a paid writer, except my boss doesn’t know he is paying me write blogs some times...my mother would kill me if she read this blog, thank God she hates everything but coupons and is unsupportive.

 

But there is a bigger issue at hand...I just had an epiphany, I will never be a normal, functioning, human being, because I don’t know how to make normal people decisions. This was my thought process this morning when I was getting ready for work:


I can’t wear a skirt to work, boss man will know I have an interview or something, I barely brush my teeth for work let alone show up in anything remotely business professional. Okay, plan, I will wear jeans with a dress top and put on a skirt on my way to said interview. HA! Good problem solving self! I really did feel a little proud of myself for coming up with a solution to said problem.

 

Thought process while driving to work... oh Jesus I forgot to put on underwear this morning! I am in my car already, my underwear is all the way downstairs...maybe I have some in my purse, I usually have underwear in my purse...fuck no underwear in my purse today...damn...I can’t show up to a job interview in a skirt with my sneaper hanging out...well maybe that will help me get the job. No Justine...go get underwear.

 

I run down stairs and my mom yells at me “what the hell you are going to be late for work, why are you back here?”

 

I don’t say anything, I am obviously busy, back off. I run up stairs underwear in hand

 

Is that underwear in your hand? Where did I go wrong with you? Your sisters are normal, what is wrong with you.

 

HA! Mom if you only knew that I seriously debated just not wearing underwear and came all the way back here for it you would actually be proud of me! So  mission accomplished, I have underwear for my skirt. Then I thought about this...I have underwear sitting in my the center console of my car. I plan on changing on my way to said interview, cruise control will obviously help me in this situation.

 

Normal people, with contributing jobs, don’t have underwear in their center console of their car and not realize anything wrong with this until 8 hours later. Normal people would have remembered to put on underwear this morning. I did not.

 

Also secretly when they ask me what my strengths are, because they always, always do in an interview, it is going to take everything in me not to say, problem solving, and multitasking, and when they ask for examples I will refrain myself further from saying “Well sir, I forgot to put on underwear this morning and had a skirt on, so I solved that problem while sitting at a red light and I was able to drive and put said underwear on at the same time. If that isn’t multitasking I really don’t know what is.

 

I feel like that would be an excellent answer, one time in a job interview I told the interviewer that I had experience dealing with difficult people because my mother was going through menopause while three girls lived in the same house and if you can defuse a fight over the bathroom between a women going through hot flashes and a girl getting ready for a date, you could pretty much defuse any situation. I got that job. No word of a lie.

I could tell you about Melvin...or I could tell you about my new pretend boyfriend

I could tell you how last week I hung out with Melvin and I went all swoony again and how all week he’s been all sweet which made me swoon even more and caused me to dance around in glee all week. Then I could tell you how last night some whore faced, mini skirt wearing on a Wednesday wing night, skanky mcskankerson was flirting with him (and he flirted back) and when I was leaving she was all like “baby come back inside” even though he had just asked me to stay and so I just looked at him, made sure that I gave my best “are you fucking joking me face” and said “you better go back inside...baby” and walked away because I’ll be damned if I am going inside now that some twat face just said that to you. So I walked away...crying ...and smoking...because those two things go hand in hand...than proceeded to deleted his number yet again...and by three o’clock today I was kicking myself for having a moment of sanity and deleting his number. But really, if I think about it anymore I’ll get all crazy ghetto on him and that would just end in me in some form of straight jacket. And for all that is good in the world please let me never see skanky mcskankerson again because even before she did that I wanted to go over to her and comment on just how horrible she dressed herself. Seriously, do people not look in the mirror before they leave their house to go out into public. She looked like a low grade stripper for the Special Olympics.

 So, now that I totally haven’t said anything about Melvin,  I’m going to tell you about how I was totally just cocked block at work.

There are few to no perks at my job, really, I am underpaid, put up with bullshit, pmsing boy drama all day and I am forced to listen to Taylor Swift a million times a day, seriously, I can sing you every word to that 22 song...and this is coming from a girl who spent a solid month listening to nothing but sad Taylor Swift songs. I can’t handle another Taylor Swift song, ever.  But about 3 months ago I found a silver lining. That silver lining you ask? Hottie Mchotterson with the prettiest eyes that comes in occasionally to pick up parts for the company he works for. For 3 months I have swooned over this man’s beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and his brown eyes and his perfectly sculpted ass and biceps. Really, you need to check out this man’s tush and than holla at me so we can talk about how good it is.  He is beautiful. I don’t see a ring and it makes me working here almost bearable.  So I say to one of the boys in the back who always deals with him to casually bring up my charming personality and big boobs...not a hard task? No, it is not. You talk me up, mention I am single and pass him my business card (ya, I have business cards, I am a big deal around here) and then we fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. That simple. Does that stupid ass muncher do that? No. He talks about the part, the hockey game from the other night and lets the guy leave! He didn’t even get any information about his personal life, like where I could casually run into him, how am I suppose to live happily ever after now?! I won’t. And I completely blame the guy I work with for being a horrible wing man.

My life in a nutshell.

Let me break down my life for you

What I wanted:




Why I am dumb:





You guys are all like:




Now I'm all like:




So that's where I'm at. Happy Thursday. I'll be drowning my sorrow with ice cream and chocolate. And one more just because...

The Unknown

No one really seems to give you any warning into how hard your early twenties are, that’s how this whole blog started, because I was lost (see title “lost and perplex” I am both of those), I am lost, probably more so than I was when I started this blog, the only difference is I’ve learned to cope with it the impending doom you feel in your twenties because nothing is going as planned.

At least 6 months ago, I was sure I was with the man I wanted to marry and I was very excited and certain that I wanted to start planning weddings...for the whole world. I could give you a million facts about weddings, tell you the trends and everything right and wrong about peoples weddings. As of today, I am glad, so glad that things didn’t work out with Kermit. As for the wedding planning, there is something about having your heart broken that makes you rethink the idea of planning a wedding when you think love is a sham. From wedding planning I went to event planning but that would mean me leaving Shitville, and well, I like it here, I like having my family and friends close, I like the city and I’d like to stay here. So I am back at square one. That’s the thing about your early twenties, nothing even goes according to the plan you had at 18 or 20 or even yesterday. We can plan life out but you can’t plan the external factors, like getting into school even when you’ve given it everything you had in you, you can’t change that your relationship failed, you can’t change the fact that sometimes things just don’t work out the way you wanted too, no matter how good your plan was or how badly you wanted it to work. You can't take back choices you made, but you can learn from them and not make them twice, hopefully 

 

Or you can be like me and you just don’t have a plan and the plan you did have went to complete shit.

 

I never had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life other than make money and lots of it, that’s my goal, to have a lot of money. Money makes me happy. There are unrealistic ideas, things I’d be good at that just wouldn’t work out, like becoming famous the same way Snooki did then get a book deal and a clothing line. I could do that, my life is entertaining. Or have a talk show, like Chelsea Handler, not only does she have a midget but she drinks a lot and just makes fun of people and talks to them, both of those things I am good at, and I really like midgets and people generally like talking to me. My talk show would have more interruptive dance though, so it would be like if Chelsea and Ellen had a child, I would be that child. People have always had an easy time talking to me about their problems, it’s probably what I am best at, solving other people’s problems, ironic because I suck at solving my own. But they don’t just give people talk shows, I can just be like HEY EVERYONE! I’m on The View now! And sit my ass down to Whoppi Goldberg. But if I ever did I would ask her to sing a song from Sister Act with me.

 

How people decide what they want to do with THEIR WHOLE LIFE baffles me. Did they wake up one morning and go yep...I  would like to be a nurse and clean up blood and poop all day, or did they go nope poops not for me, let’s take accounting, I was good at math. The thing that stops me from settling is the idea that I have to do this for most of my adult life, if I am going to do something I want to be excited to go to work and not count down the days till I can take a holiday or dread going to work in the morning but whatever I choose I need to make a lot of money doing it. So basically I am still looking but you can’t just google cool jobs or fun jobs and find a match, I’ve tried. I’ve also taken many career tests, those don’t seem to point me in any direction either, they often tell me business or finance or accounting, I tried all of those, not for me. There are things that I look at and would think hey I could do that! Like a sex therapist, except I don’t really know what they do, but I can openly talk about sex and relationships and I enjoy it, I enjoy solving peoples relationships problems, but the whole going back to school for the next ten years scares the pants off of me. The speed that life passes you by is astonishing, it seems like you wait forever to turn 16 then 18 and then 21...after 21 life gets put on fast forward and you have no time to figure stuff out and all the time you thought you had is suddenly up and the daily reminders that you don’t have anything figured out from your friends on Facebook is just a knife to the spleen. They are getting married, having kids, buying houses, traveling the world, and I’m just sitting here like, check me and my bad ass office job out, is it the weekend yet so I can have a drink?

 

But then I remember we are in are twenties, those people who have it all figured out now probably don’t and if they do they seem to hit 40 and realize holy shit there was a whole list of things I never did, I got married too young, I had kids to young, I’ve worked at this job for my whole life and I hate it...life is crap that way. You don’t get all the answers, there isn’t a play book to let you know you are making the right or wrong choice, you can just make the best choice you can with the information you are given and occasionally we make the choice that isn’t the best for us or things don’t work out the way we wanted them too. But life goes on and we get over the bumps, the disappointment and the unknown becomes known and the disappointment turns into a learning experience. I’ve stopped worrying about my future, I’ve stopped talking a million career tests in hopes that they have the answer because at some point it will work out. At least it better. In the mean time if you want to tell me cool job ideas I’d be open to that or if you think you can get me a talk show that would also be cool.

 

My point is, your 20’s are hard, give yourself a break, give me a break. It’s a constant competition to see who will appear more successful, more together, more grown up, but there are those of us who are willing to stand up and say I don’t have it together, my dreams didn’t work out, I don’t have a plan for the future and that’s okay because you can’t plan your future. You just can’t. You can try and maybe it will work for a while, but that’s the fun part of life, it’s the adventure of the unknown.

Day 51...Crystal ball please tell me what to do

 I have a dilemma, and Amy Poehler cancelled on me last week so now you guys get the grunt of it and now I don’t know what to do. I hate making decisions, I am scared to make the wrong choice. Apparently you aren't suppose to look at your choices and have it as passing and failing but I disagree, you either make the right choice or the wrong choice. You can fix the wrong choice but it's still the wrong choice.

You only get one life, that’s it, and it goes by fast. At 23 I thought I would have more figured out, as we know I don’t. I am lost trying to figure out what I need for the rest of my life. What I am suppose to do as a career, where I am suppose to end up, and if I am making the right choice.

I wish I was like those kids who knew they wanted to be a fireman, cop or nurse. You know? No, you probably don't because you don't have to see a therapist to help you with your anxiety. People who know what they wanted for a career went to school, got jobs, work, get married, have kids, raise kids, retire, die. That's their life and they have it figured out, they have a game plan. So far my game plan looks like this, drink wine on Friday night. That’s it, because past that I don’t have a plan.

I applied for school in Toronto. I am absolutely terrified that I’ll get it because then the choice is easy, I move. Am I ready to pack up and move my life out to Toronto, where yes, Abby and Jade, are living, and sure Matthew Mchottie is out there and has said I can come stay with him, he will take care of me and that he thinks we could really work together, but I would be leaving my whole life behind for a new one. As much as my life is a big giant question mark right now, I have people here, friends that have turned into family, family that mean the world to me. Could I leave Jenna, Coupon Queen, Jeffrey, Mike and all my other friends? I honestly don’t know if I could. I know I will make knew friends but I don’t want knew friends. I love my family and friends. They are the only solid part of my life. Every thing else is up in the air.

And I have decided I really am not into planning weddings, corporate events, yes, weddings, no. As much as I love weddings, I am not willing to give up every weekend of my summer, I’m just not. I enjoy working 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, with my weekends off to do what ever I want. I like that part.  You don’t get that when you are planning weddings, your weekends are filled with weddings, setting up and taking down. But Shitville just isn’t big enough to have a job planning corporate events, the biggest events here are our local hockey teams 80’s nights or the local bands playing down town. It would involve moving regardless, unless I choose some thing else to do with my life. Maybe I could just be happy working in an office, getting married, having kids. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe I wont hate it. But I really feel like I want more than that.

I am also scared to make the wrong choice, I feel like at 23 I am only three years away from my scary age. 26 is my scary age, it’s the age where I feel like I should have all the shit I don’t have figure out now, done. So that’s only three years, so I have to get going. I have to pick a plan and go with it because being stuck here not knowing isn’t an answer and it’s getting me no where.  If I just pick a plan, go with it, and I fail, I still have time to fix it. The answer would be easy if I could take Jenna, Mike, Coupon Queen and Jeffrey with me to Toronto, I’d be there, I’d know what I wanted to do and I would be happy. Sadly they are staying in Alberta, doing their thing. How selfish of them. 

Day 35: Even Peoples Pets Are Having Babies

I was sitting at work, reflecting on my relationship with Kermit, wondering why I held on so long, why I let myself put up with a relationship that was clearly broken, why I thought I could remain friends with him, why I thought I could throw out all the break up rules and create my own. That’s when it clicked, I thought to myself, maybe I was so in love with the idea of marriage and happily ever after that I stayed even when I didn’t want to. I mean I tried to leave a few times before I left and came back when the bed got cold and lonely. Hell even when I packed my bags I held onto the dream that he would come and rescue me; run in on a white horse, tell me he loves me, I am beautiful and he wants to be with me forever. I held onto dreams of never having to go on a bad date, never RSVP single, plan a wedding, I wasn't holding onto him, I was holding onto what he represented, even if we were wrong for each other on so many levels.

Then I thought how disgusting is that and when did I turn into that person. Gross. Yuck. Never again. This is why you don’t get married before 25... or 30... why do people even get married? I know one person who has a great relationship and that’s my sister and her husband. That’s it. Out of all my friends, family, acquaintances, people I know but don’t “know,” I know two people who I can say to myself, wow they have an awesome relationship, even behind closed doors, I am really jealous.  I know people who make it work, who are good together for right now but will they stay together forever? Probably not, most people I know that are in relationships wont make it another year. Yet all these little relationship status changes pop on my news feed every day, “in a relationship” to “engaged”. People who are so wrong for each other it is outrageous.  These people are getting married because they have a child together, because they want to do what’s right, because they don’t know how to be by themselves, because they have an idea in their head of what perfect is and it includes being married. This people I want to punch in the face the same way I wish some one would have punched me in the face and woke me up from my marriage coma.

That’s when I got a text from Kristen.

“not only is an overwhelmingly large number of people having children or getting married in my news feed to remind me how single I am, but even peoples pets are having babies. This is getting ridiculous.”

And it is. Most of my friends are under 25. Maybe it’s the culture of living in Shitville Alberta but girls are having babies, giving up and settling for men that should remain single forever for the amount of douche they are. I get the appeal of getting a wedding and having kids but once you get there, it's not as much fun. Or it least it doesn't look fun to me. Screaming children, cheating husbands or wives, couples counselling ..it all sounds go great. So while Kristen is worried about her single status, I am not. I am giving myself a huge high five and a shouting a big "HELL YA!"
I may have done a lot of things wrong in my relationships but I snapped out of it and came to the realization that holding onto a relationship, covering it with wedding plans, babies and building a future doesn't make your relationship less awful. I am know longer jealous of those people who cover up their relationship with happy faces.It’s like when you tan, your cellulite may look better brown but the dimples are still there, the only way to get rid of it is get your ass off the couch and into the gym or in dating, you get yourself out of a bad relationship and back into the dating pool, so that some one who is actually worth your time, gets your time. Or spend time on yourself, basically any thing but waste time on a relationship that's not going any where. So that leads me to this…

I have a date Tuesday. Aren't we all proud of me. With a guy. Who’s name isn't Kermit or SSM. Although I really wish it was SSM because then maybe, I could touch his penis again or his stomach. I would lick chocolate off that stomach.  But back to my date.

It came from a dating website and I am not proud of that part. Oh god. Here we go again, countless bad first dates, awkward meetings and even more awkward casual run ins. He doesn't pick up on my witty banter as well as I’d like but he has a full time job and a house which is a step up from Kermit (any thing is a step up from him at this point). But here’s the part I like, he takes an interest in me, I say I plays soccer, he asks to come watch me play. Some thing Kermit never ever did once. I would ask him to come watch, he would say sure I’ll come, but he never asked me once if he could come watch me play. Also this guy listens to what I say, he asks me what kind of music I like, I tell him, (you know like how normal people have conversations), and he suggested going to a concert this Tuesday because a band I like is playing.  Also some thing Kermit would have never done. The only time he took me anywhere was when we first started dating and he took me to this little town 4 hours away, didn’t book a hotel (although I told him to) and we had to back track an hour and a half away to the nearest hotel. He also told me that weekend that he thought my friends were hot, not me, my friends. Why do I continually ignore red flags. Oh ya, that dream of happily ever after, but you aren't actually happy. We did a few trips other than that but mostly they were trips to see his mother, or sister and any dates I ever wanted to go on I had to suggest, plan, and book. If it involved spending money he could never afford it in the winter and in the summer he never had time, so our date nights where often bad restaurants or a movie, if I was really lucky both. Romantic weekend away? Never. Romantic night away? Nope. Flowers from the grocery store? Occasionally.

This new guy also seems a lot more out going. After saying that yes, I would go to this concert, but I was bringing pepper spray and my friends will have his license plate number and I have 911 on speed dial, he said to make sure I add ear plugs to my list of things to bring, because the only protection I will need are ear plugs for his bad singing and maybe blinders so I don’t have to see his dance moves. So he is fun? Some thing Kermit was not either. I was out going, I would sing and dance and he would sit in a chair, with his arms folded, looking like he was having the worst time of his life. Some thing I just got used to and ignored because after asking a million times if he had fun and getting yep, it just wasn’t worth asking or worrying about.

So all in all, I am looking forward to this date, but I also have to make it clear to new guy that I am in no way shape or form looking for a new relationship or a serious relationship. Mostly because although I think I am ready to move on from Kermit, I haven’t. I think that this is a step in the right direction, maybe not. I could be wrong. I am usually wrong when it comes to relationships. But I will keep making you read my ideas and pretending like I have a clue. But the more important question is what is the right outfit for a first date where you are going to a concert? Mmmmm. 

Love your ex girlfriend who doesn't need to get married to be happy

Day 31: Self Love

It’s not a secret I love blogs. Not just mine but I love reading other peoples blogs about their lives. In a way it gives me a sense of security in knowing I am not the only one who is lost, confused, broken, emotion, bitter, basically a whole array of emotions. Generally it is women who write blogs and some father who recently came out of the closet that wrote that blog post that has gone viral, I believe it was called 16 ways I blew my marriage (hint, you like men, that would probably be the first thing that blew your marriage), but any ways, it is generally women who write blogs. I feel like women write blogs because it’s a way to get all of our feelings out, it’s a way to sit down and vent about a shitty boyfriend, boss, husband, customer, basically any thing and I will say writing this blog has helped me a lot. What started off as a fun way to vent about my life has turned into some thing almost therapeutic (weird because I am still paying my therapist to see me twice a week). It doesn’t matter that know one really reads what I write or laughs as hard as I do, it’s more about the fact I can get it off my chest so I don’t run some one over, up side to that, my therapy would probably be free, down side, I’d probably spend my time out of therapy in a jail cell or a straight jacket.

The one thing I’ve noticed in most of my blog reading is there is a common theme between all women. Women generally lack of “self love”… and love wine! As women, we are programmed to judge and compare ourselves to every thing else. I am not talking about comparing our bodies to other women in magazines or really the way society wants us to be. I think as grown women we get that not every one is going to be a size 2 with DD boobs. I am talking about judging and comparing ourselves to … I guess… an idea of how we want to be. I know that personally it is my greatest cause of anxiety, I want all these things, I want to be all these things, I have zero desire to be Meagan Fox, but I have a desire to meet my own expectations of myself and some times…okay often…I don’t. I’ll give you a few examples

·         Career – I thought by now I would have a great career, where I had financial freedom, a feeling of self worth, that I was contributing to the world and had value

·         Love -  This is the biggest one for me. I never wanted to get married, I thought marriage was a waste of time. Until Kermit. If you were to rewind to 8 months ago, I would have told you without a shred of doubt, that there would be a ring on my finger today and I would be planning the wedding of my dreams (or recent dreams). We all know I am single now and we all know my opinion on available men.

·         My mental health – This is another good one. Oh life you are a tricky bitch.  You know when your life all of a sudden falls apart in all aspects? Well, apparently that’s a good time for your doctor to say to you “I think we need to hospitalize you for depression and anxiety ‘cause bitch you be crazy” and you are sitting there like “uuuhh dude, no. Not unless they have wine Wednesday there.”  Well, that’s what my doctor said to me. I convinced her not to send away and that I was just having a rough couple months. But it made realize that my mental state was not where I thought it was. That it wasn’t okay to feel the amount of anxiety that I do.

Those are the three top things I have not met my own set expectations. When I was 18, if some one would have said to me, at 23 you will be living in your parents basement, single, one class away from graduating college, working at an office job that you like, but are no where near close to figuring out a solid career, and have anxiety attacks on a weekly basis I would have probably made a sarcastic comment back and walked away. But that’s where I am at.

And you know what…I am not the only one. Most blogs are about letting themselves down in some way and the effort to come to terms with that. Look at mommy blogs, life blogs, this blog. These blogs all at some point, deal with the feeling of not meeting self expectations. I’d like to go on and write that I have some magical cure for us all. But I don’t. But I am going to try some thing. I am going to try to be okay with not meeting my self expectations. I am going to figure out how to reach my own expectations and a game plan on how to reach them. It might not do any thing or it might do some thing.  I don’t really know, I just know that there has to be some kind of happy medium where I am not constantly letting myself down.

Love your ex girlfriend who will meet her own expectations

College Reunion 101

Well, it had to happen sooner than later. I received an e-mail today from one of my old college classmates saying that our class is having a get together.

I went to college, mostly because I was getting sick of working mall jobs and thought college would be fun. It looked fun in the movies and college was even better in real life. So much better that I am two courses short from graduating. I graduated from beer bong to keg stand in a few weeks, but it was the actually classes such as stats that really threw me for a whirl; but I still get invited to these shindigs because there were only twelve people in my program and we were a pretty tight group, and people like to gloat so they know to invite me because I can’t one up them. But we were a close group especially the underachievers. But the majority of them were upstanding contributing members to the program and college and life in general. They took school seriously like it should be taken. Yes mom, I learned my lesson.  

But every one knows the person who likes to rub it in your face how totally awesome there life is. Even though most of the time I don’t think their life is awesome. Sure they are more together then I am, but how many Beersbee May long championships have they won? Zero. Me? Four. So who really wins.

Both way there are a few gloaters in this graduating glass, and if you don’t sit there and say how awesome they are they tend to get annoyed.

But really, I am not looking forward to this, because although there were a few of us who kind of coasted along they have seemed to have found good jobs, related to what we actually took in school. I know I am not a pole dancing with my sneaper hanging out but I am not really all that together. In the last two years I’ve gone through my share of bad office jobs, one in oil field (because I live in Alberta and at some point every one works in oil field), one for some kind of finance company (where I worked with the spawn of Satan), one door to door selling job (where I would really just go home and nap), and now this one, where I have been employed for the last 7 months with smelly boss man. 

Please God, don’t let me be the only one…

Over the past year, thanks to bad office jobs, I’ve indulged in the blogging world. From blogs about home crafts, to weddings, to babies, and through each of these blogs I read I became…mildly obsessed with each. Seriously. I can’t tell you the hours I spent crafting, reading horrific birthing and toddler stories, and I have even become a certified wedding planner, all thanks to blogs. I think I became obsessed with all these blogs mostly because I was a 22 year old girl who was lost and confused with what to do with her life and searching for answers every where, trying every thing not to fail and seem like I have it together. But I don’t, I still don’t, hopefully soon, but probably not. So for the time being at least, I am going to write a blog. A blog about what my life is like, being 23, the ups and downs of trying to find yourself and figure out how to be a contributing member of society.

Every one tells you how awesome being a young adult is; you know the age between 17 and 21. Where you can make catastrophically horrible decisions and your parents still bail you out or when you are in your late twenties and you have every thing figured out and you've stopped making those catastrophically huge mistakes. But what people neglect to tell you is there is a group of us who float along, watch their friends get married, have babies, get promotions, and travel the world and there you are, working at a shitty office job, with a boss that wears the same outfit 4 out of 5 days a week, and smells a little weird and occasionally hits on you. So hears to us, the ones that don’t quite have EVERYTHING figured out yet.