Thanks again Facebook

We are now just over two months past Valentine’s day, which means my Facebook news feed is filled up with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy is a life changing adventure most people are thrilled to embark on, I am not (but you already know that), maybe one day, but right now I am good with drinking wine and not puking every morning, unless it’s wine induced puking. I am fairly certain prenatal classes with Jenna ruined any chance I had for wanting kids, really once you see a baby’s head crowning there isn’t any turning back, especially when the movie was shot in the 80’s, which means hairy muff. People have normal reactions to baby announcements

1.       That is so amazing

2.       Congratulations

3.       I am so happy for the couple

 

I don’t have this reactions, my reactions go like this

1.       Ew, that means they had sex. Great, thanks for that image now burned into my brain

2.       I really hope that fetus doesn’t get his nose, that would be tragic for that child

3.       Are you sure you should be reproducing, that doesn’t seem like a good idea to me

 

There is something wrong with me. Those are not normal reactions. Furthermore, with all the pregnancy announcements I’ve had to think about all these people I haven’t seen in years having sex, which confirms my lack of, thanks Facebook for once again reminding me about how awesome I am.

Day 29: Anal Swabs

Last night I went to a prenatal class with Jenna. There is a reason why you go to these classes once you are already pregnant, like once you are way pregnant is because I am now 100 percent sure that not only is child birth terrifying, but so is the process leading up to child birth. Morning sickness, getting fat, stretch marks,  and hormone changes aren’t even the worst part ladies, there is anal swabbing, diabetes testing that involves fasting and some gross drink, mucus plugs that can leak, and like a million stages to the actual labor process that can last WEEKS! It was terrifying. I am still having night mares and will be for weeks.

 While I was sitting there in this prenatal class I kept staring at this couple that sat across from us. I knew them, I know I knew them but I couldn’t figure out where! Naturally I went through my thought process when I think I know some one; did I sleep with them? No, that wasn’t it. Did I get drunk with them? No, that definitely wasn’t it, they did not look like fun. Did I offend these people in some way?  It was driving me crazy but also distracting me from the lady at the front of the class talking about a mucus plug. Then the couple said he worked at a golf course in a town out side of where I lived and it clicked. I knew how I knew them, this guy used to be close friends with Kermit. Kermit ran into them at the movies and they mentioned they were having a baby, which then turned into a fight about how I didn’t know if I wanted babies, which then escalated into a fight about him being a douche, which ended in my crying, and in him turning into more of a douche! 

All these things running through my head, I am sitting in a room full of happy couples, who are embarking on this “amazing” adventure of parenthood, who have some one who supports them no matter what, that have some one to go to sleep next to and wake up next to, who will always be there for them, and there  I am, single, lonely, uncertain of my future, and most of all, not fucking pregnant. Then I thought to myself, these men look terrified, the women look uncomfortable and pissed off, and thank God I am single, lonely and uncertain of my future, because that beats anal swabs and mucous plugs any day of the week.

I used to be like these people, except not the pregnant part, but the part where you put on your happy face and go out in public with your significant other, and you pretend that twenty minutes ago you weren’t ready to kill him because he pissed on the toilet seat and never cleaned it so you sat in it, causing you to shower again, which makes you late. I don’t have to worry about that stuff! Why? Because I have my own bathroom, that doesn’t have piss on it!  I am how ever still sad about my lack of sex. But after prenatal classes I may never have sex again. Augh mucous plugs.

Your ex-girlfriend, who is so glad she said no to having kids when you asked

Another one bites the dust

Remember when I told you all that I was cursed? Like a month ago? Well I am. Another one bites the dust. Yes, it's sad but true, I am down another drinking partner due to pregnancy. It is really tragic for me and I am actually starting to 100 percent believe I am cursed.

I have yet to receive any request for new drinking partners so I thought I would outline why I am such a good drinking partner.

1) After five beers I am awesome at all drinking games, that includes but is not limited to

• beers-bee
• flip cup
• beer pong
• sociables
• chugging contests
• Foosball 

2) I once made a drunk song up about balls in my mouth, and there is a video. Point being, I will always be the embarrassing drunk so you never have to worry about going "Oh God what did I do last night" because I will always be able to top it and make you feel better

3) After five beers I can throw down with the likes of Ellen, Usher, Justin Timberlake and the fat guy from Hitch (Kevin James)

4) I am all about theme/ choreographed dances. Give me a good line dance, LMFAO dance or even the Gangnam Style dance I will learn it and bust it out when ever possible

5) I embrace bad life choice and wont make you feel guilty about yours (see number 2) 

6) I will always have your back. Your boyfriends ex girlfriend show up to a party? I will sit in a corner and through ice at her 

7) I once ate a fish and puked it up whole in a drunk game of truth or dare. That shows you my commitment to drinking games and drinking partners

8) As long as it's not a week day I am down for drinking any time. 

9) I can get drunk off of ten dollars

10) I know all the words to free falling. 

So those are ten good reasons to apply, but before you apply make sure that you understand birthday control and have zero plans to get knocked up. Also I request that you are adequate in drinking games.

I'm cursed. No really, I am.

There is this movie called Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, basically the long and short of it is that you have sex with Dane Cook (aka Chuck) and the next guy you meet you fall madly in love with. Well ladies and gentlemen I have a similar curse! Except with mine you become my drinking partner and you get pregnant. I swear I am not crazy, I have proof.

It started when I was 19 I had a friend named Aimee, we were inseparable.  We hung out together, we worked together, and we partied together, dated guys who were best friends, needless to say we are one in the same. Even more so because we have the same birthday! 

But Aimee was a little dumb when it came to birth control; let me be the first to say the pull out method does not work! So she was the first in our group of very close friends to get pregnant. At 19, which worked out well for her but I still recommend getting yourself some proper birth control so you don’t get a surprise one morning while sitting at work praying that the little stick you just peed on give you a no. We quickly lost touch with each other. If you have ever had friends get pregnant at a young age you understand. Suddenly we did not have a lot in common any more. I was still doing what I do best, drinking, and she was now learning all about motherhood and birthing, which at 19 did not interest me. Hell, at 23 it still doesn’t interest me. It terrifies me and I have to support this fear with actual facts about why birthing is terrifying, besides the obvious pushing out a watermelon argument, which people claim is a miracle.  So there was the first one friend down and lost to the world of babies.

Than there was Sheena. We grew up playing soccer together and again, we close friends. Not so much for a while there because she tends to be on the self centered side Either way we started to become close friends again after I moved back to Shitville Alberta. Well not even one month back into our rekindled relationship and BAM! The news hits me like a ton of bricks and she is pregnant. Right before summer, which sucked for me because she is the one who I could call on a Friday night and she would come and drink with me, and Canada’s national sport is beersbee, not hockey, and our season is from May to September so I was down a teammate.  So that’s was it best friend number 2 down for the count.

So I started noticing a pattern but never really thought I was cursed until Jenna. Oh Jenna. She had been with her boyfriend for 5 years and he had stayed with her through her on going battle with cancer and general sickness in the lady area. Jenna is the sweetest nicest girl and no one ever says any thing bad about her because she is just that nice. She looks like Marilynn Monroe and is girl next store sweet. Sadly after battling cancer the doctors gave her a 25 percent chance of ever conceiving, which is all she’s ever wanted. I tucked her away in the “we are never having kids, going to sit on a beach while a hot pool boy named Pablo brings us drinks.”

Then one Friday afternoon we had plans to go out for cocktails after a long hard week of shitty office jobs, she calls me and says she can’t come out for drinks. My response to that is man up, put your big girl panties on because my boss smelled especially bad this week and I needed a drink to forget the body odor so I could come back to work Monday. She says she can’t drink because she is PREGNANT! I am over the moon excited for this girl. But then it hits me, this girl has been having unprotected sex for years, because of her low chances of getting pregnant it wasn’t suppose to happen, now she is pregnant. So what changed you ask? Me. She was my drinking partner. Leading me to believe I am cursed. You become my drinking partner and than you become pregnant. Maybe it’s Gods way of saying “Justine you need to stop drinking, so I am going to take away your drinking partners.” Seriously, I wonder if this is how Mary’s best friend felt when she magically got pregnant. It wasn’t God, it was a cursed drinking partner.

So for all of you trying to conceive if you are looking to get pregnant come find me, be my drinking partner for a while and you will become pregnant. Also, most of my friends now have babies or are pregnant, or decided to move to the other side of Canada so I am looking for drinking partners. Please apply if you are in no shape or form a contributing member to society and can put up with my mood swings.

A side note after reading this I do realize that my friends aren't very smart about birth control and that may be a contributing factor but I still fully believe I am cursed.