Day 29: Anal Swabs

Last night I went to a prenatal class with Jenna. There is a reason why you go to these classes once you are already pregnant, like once you are way pregnant is because I am now 100 percent sure that not only is child birth terrifying, but so is the process leading up to child birth. Morning sickness, getting fat, stretch marks,  and hormone changes aren’t even the worst part ladies, there is anal swabbing, diabetes testing that involves fasting and some gross drink, mucus plugs that can leak, and like a million stages to the actual labor process that can last WEEKS! It was terrifying. I am still having night mares and will be for weeks.

 While I was sitting there in this prenatal class I kept staring at this couple that sat across from us. I knew them, I know I knew them but I couldn’t figure out where! Naturally I went through my thought process when I think I know some one; did I sleep with them? No, that wasn’t it. Did I get drunk with them? No, that definitely wasn’t it, they did not look like fun. Did I offend these people in some way?  It was driving me crazy but also distracting me from the lady at the front of the class talking about a mucus plug. Then the couple said he worked at a golf course in a town out side of where I lived and it clicked. I knew how I knew them, this guy used to be close friends with Kermit. Kermit ran into them at the movies and they mentioned they were having a baby, which then turned into a fight about how I didn’t know if I wanted babies, which then escalated into a fight about him being a douche, which ended in my crying, and in him turning into more of a douche! 

All these things running through my head, I am sitting in a room full of happy couples, who are embarking on this “amazing” adventure of parenthood, who have some one who supports them no matter what, that have some one to go to sleep next to and wake up next to, who will always be there for them, and there  I am, single, lonely, uncertain of my future, and most of all, not fucking pregnant. Then I thought to myself, these men look terrified, the women look uncomfortable and pissed off, and thank God I am single, lonely and uncertain of my future, because that beats anal swabs and mucous plugs any day of the week.

I used to be like these people, except not the pregnant part, but the part where you put on your happy face and go out in public with your significant other, and you pretend that twenty minutes ago you weren’t ready to kill him because he pissed on the toilet seat and never cleaned it so you sat in it, causing you to shower again, which makes you late. I don’t have to worry about that stuff! Why? Because I have my own bathroom, that doesn’t have piss on it!  I am how ever still sad about my lack of sex. But after prenatal classes I may never have sex again. Augh mucous plugs.

Your ex-girlfriend, who is so glad she said no to having kids when you asked