My dating rules

My love for Kristen is never ending. We are both recently single and both share the same opinion on men. Generally, men are stupid, and women, even more so.  But men seriously need a dating book on how to date without coming off as crazy. Women get plagued with the crazy label if we send one to many text messages or say some thing like “I like hanging out with you.”  We say that we like hanging out with you and you automatically read that she loves you and wants to have your babies and has planned your wedding and named your kids. Wrong, we haven’t, we just generally like spending time with you, and wouldn’t mind if we kept hanging out with you.

Women get labeled with crazy, clingy, stalker, or emotionally unstable at the drop of a hat. It’s true women probably obsess way more then men do, read into things way more than men do but we keep those things to our selves, why? Because we know we are fucking crazy and it’s time men knew they were fucking crazy too.

I recently signed up for plenty of fish. I gave this guy my number, first thing he texts me, send me a picture of yourself. Uh, how about no, I am not sending you a naked picture of myself because I am not 18 and stupid any more. So delete him, never replied. I then received FOUR messages from him, that’s not including the six text messages over the course of two days. That is a total of TEN messages. TEN! That went along the lines of “baby?” “why aren’t you texting me back?” “I just want to see your beautiful face” “please respond.” AND YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY! No. Men are fucking crazy. A women wouldn’t send a text message after hers wasn’t replied to. At least a sane women wouldn’t.  A women would know that it would be crossing those lines from friends to crazy stalker.

Well Friday night Kristen met a guy at the bar. They shared a couple drinks, some casual conversation and a dance. That was it. He is now texting her telling her how compatible they are.  You have no idea if you are compatible. You’ve known her for a night, a drunk night.  Soul mates you are not.

Men. This is not okay. If you are trying to weird out a girl, then by all means, ignore my advice. Not all women want to fall in love the first time meeting, most women know the difference between casual sex, friends and potential relationships. If the women actually has feelings for you she isn’t going to sleep with you until well into the dating process.  Why? Because she doesn’t want it to be just sex and we know that if we give it up within the first couple dates that’s what it will be. So men, please pick up a dating book, hold back your crazy like women do and simmer the fuck down. It’s annoying. You can give me some bullshit of not wanting to play games but you have to.  There has to be a little mystery, a little wonder and a lot left to the imagination so that women can imagine that you aren’t a crazy, controlling, dick like most men turn out to be.

And women, for fuck sakes, don’t be crazy when it comes to dating, you are giving us a bad name. You have lots of time to be crazy once you are in the relationship and even more time once you are out of the relationship to be crazy with your ex but in your dating process stop giving us women who know what the fuck we are doing a break. You’re killing me boo.

I am going to give you my dating advice in point form, spell it out for you…

1.       Do not reply to every text message right away. If you are busy, you are busy. You don’t need to take your phone with you every where in case he texts. When you are at the gym, you are at the gym. Do not loose yourself, you have a life, live it. He asks you to hang out and you already have plans? Re-schedule. Your friends have been there for you, don’t bail on them for some new guy you just met. Trust me if they like you, they will find another time, that works for both of you.

2.       They don’t reply right away? Good. It means they are busy, doing things, they aren’t in a relationship with you, you don’t have to have a constant update about their life.

3.       If they do not reply right away it is NEVER, I mean NEVER, okay for you to bombard them with text messages. Guess what, if they were busy when you texted them ten minutes ago, they are probably still busy, they will reply when they have time.

4.       If they don’t seem interested, they probably aren’t. We have all been there, a guy or girl is giving you one or two word text message replies (all the time) they aren’t into you. Save yourself some dignity. Loose their number, if they miss you, they will text you. If not, what ever, some one else out there will want to talk to you, hopefully.

5.       Be fun…Have you ever gone out on a date with a person who doesn’t really talk and is boring? Ya, well I have and guess what, it’s boring. If you are shy, get over it, be a little fun and it will go a long way.

6.       This is for men but be a gentlemen. Open the door, pull out her chair, compliment her. It will go a long way. No a compliment is not “your tits look great in that dress.” She knows her tits look great in it, that’s why she picked it.

7.       Women, put some effort into how you look on your date. If you act like a lady, he will treat you like a lady. And if he doesn’t, kick him in the balls and say good day.

8.       Do not be a skanky hoe, do not imply sex within the first … ten dates. Do not have a drunken night that could lead to sex, have a couple drinks, sure, but do not get all sloppy within the first couple dates where you are really getting to know some one. Trust me, I know this from experience. Now this doesn't apply if you are looking for some casual sex or friends with benefits. Those are completely different rules that we can go over at a later time. But if you like the guy and he likes you, don't be a hoe.

9.       Do not start planning your future until he’s put a ring on it. Don’t just don’t. Save yourself the heart break. By all means, ask yourself, could I spend the rest of my life with him? But do not start picking out center pieces. I also know this from experience.

10.   Be confident, sassy and a little bit bad assy.

This one is more of a general statement, but do not ignore the red flags. Women we are particularly good at this. Oh four kids with four different women? All four of his ex’s are crazy, it’s not his fault. YOU ARE WRONG! Oh, he doesn’t have a job in the winter? I am sure he is a really hard worker! WRONG! HE IS LAZY! Oh, he only puts coke up his nose once in a while? WRONG! Run. If you don't like some thing about him in the start of the relationship you will hate it six months in, despise it a year in and want to kill him for it by the second year.

The same can be said for men. Oh she is 19 and I am 28, she seems so mature! WRONG! Oh she texted me forty times with out me replying? She must just be worried about me! WRONG. Oh she made out with my best friend I am sure there tongues just had a secret to share about how much they loved me! WRONG WRONG WRONG!

There. That’s my dating advice. Although, I don’t know if I am the best person to take advice from. I have been on a lot of dates, it’s really the steps once you are in a relationship that I have a hard time with.