I could tell you how my weekend involved being wrapped in
Saran Wrap, being kicked off a soccer team (I quit but pretty much), getting
raped in the ass by Mr.Lube (the car place, actually, this is not a metaphor I
don’t do butt sex), how I cancelled the date on Sunday and the one for the
concert on Tuesday with Internet guy because
he was starting to send relationship signals (if any one asks, I am on an ice fishing trip with my dad) or the wedding I attended where
the bride held the knife to cut the cake just a little to tight, but instead I
am going to talk to you about how for once God decided not to bitch slap me.
Saturday night I was over at Mikes house, hanging out
watching a movie and decided I was going to go out and visit Dana at the self
esteem boosting pub where she now works. I drove in the worlds worst driving
condition, I am fairly certain I drove on the wrong side of the road for the majority
of the drive, that was my dedication to alcohol that night, so you know I was
desperate. Every one I called that night said the roads were too bad to go out
and they were going to stay home, and by every one I mean I called my sister
and I couldn’t convince Mike to come with me. But I was already at the pub so I
went in by myself, now terrified from the drive into town, pissed at my sister
and her lack of support and God damn I just saw a crazy lady get married before
me. I needed a drink. A big one. I walk in and see some thing that only meant
my night was going to end in orgasms. Is it a plane? A bird? Free dildos? SSM? No. It was my last racquetball
partner before I started dating Kermit. It was like God looked down on me for a
minute and said
“your life has been a pile of shit lately, here is a penis on a silver platter, have fun, I am sorry.”
Oh my god. It was like every thing was working out in my
favor, he was with a group of guys, he asked me to come sit with them, I said
not right now, but maybe later, because I really did just want to drink my
drink in silence and I had to come up with a game plan to make sure the night
would go in my favor. I could see him looking at me, then talk to his buddies and
it was apparent they were talking about me, that’s when one guy turned around and
said “hey, you know Becca right?” I knew right away who this guy was, Becca’s
boyfriend. Becca is my amazing friend from college, we had both recently gone
through a break up, and both enjoyed week day drinking and hated our program.
We were a match made in alcoholic anonymous heaven.
Becca was on her way
to meet up with them for a drink. So I called
her and asked her how she knew Skipper (obviously his new nickname),
apparently she’s known him for a while and just never remembered that they actually met several years earlier when we were first having sex
and I had thrown a lingerie party and I had also talked about him multiple
times while Becca and I were study partners in college.
This night was sealed with a pretty little bow, the pearly gates
to orgasm land where open; angels where singing and at this point I was guaranteed
to have sex. I could sit back and enjoy the rest of the night, drinking,
smoking and laughing with Becca.
I ran into some people who used to work with Kermit,
gossiped about Kermit and how useless he is, talked about my boobs and how big
they are and how they got me a job. All in all it was glorious. Then shock
settled in. I haven’t had sex since SSM, I had no plans of having sex any time
in the near future, which meant taking care of my lady parts have been the last
thing on my mind. I mean, it’s not a jungle, but it’s definitely not a desert
or even a nicely trimmed garden. I can’t make my first encounter in three years
with my racquetball partner and not be prepped and prepared. In the bathroom I decided to ask Becca how
bad it really was, she said it wasn’t THAT bad, I also flashed Dana at the bar…she
also agreed it wasn’t THAT bad. When your friends say that they are lying to
you, you should pick up your dignity and say God you are a spiteful ass and
call it a night. Unless you are me, and in that case, you can talk yourself
into almost any bad decision.
So unfortunately with enough booze you can talk to me into
any thing and once he talked me into getting into the cab I was done for. Oh
well, it was happening. New racquets ball partner locked and sealed. I woke up
the next morning, slightly hung over and realizing I was now in a house where
three guys live, made evident by the fact that I had to go to two different
bathrooms to find toilet paper, there was a dirty dish beside the bed and when
I went and got water in the morning, there was more beer than food. Well at
least I know this one doesn’t have a girlfriend. But here is the thing; I am
going to over share with you, so unless you want to know deep and very intimate
details about my sex life I would just skip down to the next paragraph. * SKIP
NOW* I squirt. Well when the sex is good. And the sex with him is very good, so
his bed was wet and the basement floor, and maybe a few other places.
*CONTINUE TO READ* So in the morning he stated “you know
next time you come over I am going to make you wash my sheets after.” Partner
locked and secured, playing doubles for at least the next little while. This
man is perfect, in no way shape or form does he give me the vibe that he wants
a relationship and the sex is good. I have landed the perfect racquet ball
partner. I am high fiving myself at this point.
But after I showered in the morning (in a bathroom that only
had shampoo, definitely no girlfriend) I did some thing bad. I couldn’t help
it. I guess the saying “you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife” isn’t true; this
hoe did his laundry while I waited for him to get ready to drive me home, I
washed his sheets, towels and then did dishes. I couldn’t help it. I had to. My
anxiety kicked in and there wasn’t any stopping it. I tried to use self control
but I have zero.
Then he drove me home and he turned on his truck ( which he needs a blow box to do) and
classical music came on. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. It apparently
relaxes him. Where do I find these guys? He then told me what symphony it was
from, I don’t know maybe he thinks this will impress girls, I would have been
impressed if it was Ace of Base, not Bach’s fifth symphony. Then the hilarity
continued, I had remembered that he said last time we ran into each other he
text me after ( I ran into him when I was still with Kermit), but he had my old
number so I never got it and some guy got pissed, he was embarrassed so this is
what I texted him when he texted me after he dropped me off.
I really think I am hilarious.
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