One and one and one makes three...or a really awkward night

I had the best intentions last night. I really did. It started off as a casual drink with the Aussie and well...now I’m at work with three hours of sleep and a head ache. The head ache is probably from the events that occurred last night, not the amount of beer I consumed, that must be it.

The Aussie started trying to talk me into going for a drink around 11...a.m... I was obviously holding out in hopes that Melvin would ask me to hang out, but by 7 o’clock he hadn’t asked me to hang out so I agreed to go for a drink with the Aussie man. Here is the beauty of all of this, he is friends with Melvin’s friend, where did we go? Melvin’s good friend’s house. I was sitting there drinking my beer, in a corner, on the opposite side of the room as the Aussie because this was just too awkward to handle when someone said “well should we get going?” Going? Where are we going? I am pretty wrapped up in this show about bats we are watching, why can’t we just stay here...we don’t need to leave. Trust me. But obviously I am just along for the ride in this adventure so my opinion doesn’t matter. Where are we going you ask? Let me tell you...the dirty. This place is a black hole, you just get sucked it, you never just stay for one in this place, never has any one walked into this place had a beer and left. No, you’ll have like twenty beers and a pile of bad choices by the time you leave. So off we went and I knew where this night was heading. You think this would just be the end of the story right, you probably are sitting there saying “oh Justine, you silly kitten, that isn’t that bad, a couple beers on a Thursday, pfft I’ve done that before.” And you’d be right, if that’s where the story stopped. It doesn’t, God likes to spite me for my bad choice, or I just have a knack for putting myself into bad situations, probably a bit of both.

On the drive over someone asked who was all going to be there, after I heard the answer I seriously contemplated hurling myself out of a moving vehicle. Like unbuckle my seatbelt, get the vehicle up to warp speed and tuck and dive onto the pavement.

He listed off some names, and then he said it...Skipper...and...Melvin.

Fuck.

Off.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST SAVE MY ALLAH, STRAP ME TO A BOMB AND LET ME GO TO MY 72 VIRGINS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL. ARE YOU JOKING? YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING RIGHT NOW. WHY DO I CONTINUALLY PUT MYSELF INTO BAD SITUATIONS? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME AND WATCH DUCK DYNASTY LIKE I HAD PLANNED. PANIC. I AM PANICING. HOLY CHRIST, JESUS, ALLAH, AND BRITTNEY MURPHY WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

Upon arrival I looked around and noticed that I was safe, they weren’t there. I’ll have a beer and get the hell out of dodge, mission accomplished right? Wrong, Nikki showed up, so well, I was done for, one beer turned into three and now my ride home (the Aussie, he’s still kicking around) is slightly inebriated and probably shouldn’t drive. Nikki and I go for a smoke and that is when I see Skipper walking up. Sheer and utter panic struck me. Let me remind you that this is the first time we’ve seen each other since the great encounter at Melvin’s house. At least this time I had pants on. There’s the silver lining in this whole mess I guess.

Then that Mulan girl who hates my guts shows up, great, all that’s missing midget and we could turn this into a reality TV show. On the plus side Mulan had on a different outfit for the first time ever! YAY Mulan!

The night was complete when Melvin showed up and I was sitting with the Aussie to my left, Melvin to my right and Skipper across from me.  Well this isn’t exactly how I pictured my first awkward encounter with Melvin and Skipper in the same room, and I really didn’t expect to be there with another guy, but I guess this is better than Sunday brunch at their mom’s house, at least in this situation I can drown the awkwardness in beer.

Skipper doesn’t stick around long, but he leaves Mulan, which is good because she is just my biggest fan (apparently they are still together, good for them), and I spend the majority of the night dodging the Aussie to be around Melvin. See the Aussie isn’t all that bad and I kind of feel bad because really, I just like Melvin and the Aussie is more of my cushion, but I’ve been assured by a mutual friend that he doesn’t do relationships and really, he could be deported at anytime so it’s best not to get invested with this one. But he seems okay none the else;  most of the time I don’t know what he’s saying, but what I seem to catch loud and clear is his attempts to sleep with me, so while he is offering me his place to sleep at and Melvin is sitting beside me, it makes for an interesting night.

Around 12:30 I knew my night had to end, I had had enough of Mulan and well...I had to work the next day, now that the Aussie was too drunk to drive, thanks to my encouragement, (the more he drank, the longer I could stay and talk to Melvin) we had to get a taxi.  We take the taxi to my house first, he asks to come in, I quickly shoot down that idea, just what my mom wants to wake up too, hi mom just leaving for work, there’s this Aussie down stairs, don’t mind him, I’m sure he will be gone soon, he’s suppose to drive to Seattle at some point today.  I go down stairs and I text Melvin, well needless to say within five minutes I was on my way to pick him up and we went back to his house. We mixed a drink and started talking, then that mother fucker told me I was confusing! Here we go, the king of hot and cold has informed me that I am confusing. He knows how I feel, you know how I feel, hell the lady at the grocery store almost knew how I feel. Are you guys confused with how I feel? I’ll break it down for you

Justine has a grade 8 style crush on Melvin

Melvin confuses Justine (probably due to her lack of patience and girl logic and general stupidity when it comes to him)

Justine uses other boys to cushion blow from Melvin’s confusion

Melvin does something funny/sweet/cute

Justine goes back to Melvin

Justine gets drunk and spills every emotion she has to Melvin because she is an idiot

Justine feels stupid for being an idiot and vows to get a grip and pony up about this situation

Justine goes back to step one and the cycle repeats

So that’s where my night ended, I went to bed, after being part of a three ring circus all night I was exhausted. I am even more exhausted today. I vow to make better choices next week and not weekday drink, because I am not 18 anymore. I’d like to thank boss man for noticing that I am hung over and ordering pizza today. I am going to eat that pizza and have a nap under my desk. If anyone needs me that’s where I will be.

Terrible Date Tuesday: Week of horror

So it’s terrible date Tuesday here at DL&P! It is easily becoming my favourite day of the week, even more so than Wine Wednesday. This week instead of just one terrible date we have a whole week of bad...no, terrible online dates! Dana (bless her heart) has submitted her week of horrible dates! Enjoy, I know I did!

 

Soooo date week from hell. Because I needed a whole week, not just one bad date in a week. I am fun like that

What does one do when they have a bad break up? They go on plenty of fish. To PROVE they are irresistible, smart, sexy women. They find their hottest pictures with their friends having bad hair days, or they find a picture of them and their ex and crop the SHIT out of that picture. I’m going to tell you all about my week of BAD pof dates.

Sunday – Break up, an angry break up too, not one of those sobbing ones, no no more like no motherfucker you are going to PAAAYYYYYYY FUCK YOU WATCH ME WALK AWAY FROM YOU AND MOVE ON WITH MY AWESOME LIFE!

Monday – go onto POF make your account, not pleading, not looking for life love, but you can’t say you just want to hang out because **apparently** that means hooking up. You need to be funny, light, smart, serious, great in general and pretend you NEVER go crazy. So you put up all the ex’s favorite pictures of you that you’ve cropped, then you wait. For an hour. Then tada TONS of desperate lonely men just chomping at the bit to get to know you! It’s great, you’re talking to so many men that are so interested in you!! Of course you get a couple weirdoes that are offering you Christen Grey type behaviour because their wives aren’t into it, but mostly they’re just lonely normal guys – Or so you think.

Tuesday- I make a date with a guy new here from British Columbia, they always seem pretty down to earth. Put on a cute shirt, random necklace – don’t want to scare them with too much real jewellery – and jeans. We are meeting at a local pub called East 40^th So first sign of a shitty date is that he meets me inside, obviously not a gentleman and would like to see me look around confused first. Second sign of a bad date is that he doesn’t look like his picture….at all…so much so that you’d think it was his distant cousin in the pictures and you’ve been bamboozled. But hey! He’s not a total monster so ill sit have a few drinks, I’m already there. He wants to have some pizza after he texted through two beers and barely grunted at my enquiries. So he gets 2 for 1 pizza. I ate three slices…he said “WOW you eat a lot of food for a girl hey?” What a dick! These were not huge pieces of pizza, just to be clear; these were normal size pizzas! Everyone knows that when you order two kinds of pizza you try one of each and go back for a second of your favourite. It’s common sense.  To top that night off, he goes in for a kiss, were we on the same date buddy? I do the deer in headlights, awkward hug, and turn and then DOVE into my car. Like I could have been on the Olympic swim team with the dive I took to get away from him. Then he called me repeatedly for another date….are you fucking kidding me? Did I miss something?

Wednesday- So I meet this guy at Tiffany’s, which is a pretty nice restaurant and he’s pretty cute, older though. So we plunk down in front of the fire place in these chairs that are not for dinner. But hey whatever, we all make mistakes. I easily reach 800 degrees in the first twelve minutes,  this is getting awkward. This guy starts comparing me to….his daughters….who are five years younger than me. WHHHAATTTT?!?!? Yea, seriously.  So now I’m sweating to death and I’m deeply disturbed by the kid thing. But oh well. We order some food, I ordered an appetizer and he orders a full 10 oz steak dinner. This would have been fine if it wasn’t for him getting pissed off at me for only ordering an appetizer.  To make matters worse he comments at least 12 times about how weird I am and that I’m obviously not from Red Deer (like that is an insult)….Born and raised actually….dumbass. Then he tried to get me to pay so I threw a twenty down and stalked off, I didn’t order the steak douche bag, pay for my ten dollar appetizer, I realize you have college to pay for your for your daughters but lay down the ten bucks and be a gentleman! He followed me out to my car and tried to kiss me good night….sorry no. This frigid bitch said have a good life; go for people in your own age gap!

After two dates there are two very apparent things...choosing what to order and how much eat is apparently a bigger deal than I thought it would be! And no matter how bad the date they will always go in for the kiss.

Thursday- Thursday, oh Thursday we should have stayed at home and watched old Friends reruns.  I went out on a date with a guy named Abram. Yes, I do understand now that the name should have tipped me off but nooooo. I don’t learn quickly, God forbid.  We went to Bo’s, he seemed shy, had a beer, pretty endearing. He was asking me about growing up in Red Deer and so I asked him similar questions. That’s when the first proverbial ball dropped…He is a Mexican Hudderite runaway. Yes, you read that right... MMMMMM I know how to pick em right? I was already three paralyzers in so I jumped right into the conversation being like What? How? Who? When? Where? Why? Apparently during WW2 they ran to Mexico with a handful of other huds and they all interbreeded (im not just being a bitch, just wait) and then they came up to Canada with his whole family of 10 and they all started working in Ontario, got ex communicated or whatever the hell you call it and so then he ran away to Alberta to start his own little dream. Now everybody in his family has 6 fingers on both hands (see I’m not just a bitch). BAM.wait wait wait this whole hudderite thing just got dropped on me, no way, nooo freakin way, I asked him to prove it, because I am three paralysers deep and I need proof of this…yeah... he did…phone pictures L that night ended with both of us going in opposite directions. I can’t run the risk of my future children having extra digits.

Friday – Friday came and I was jacked. Nothing bad happens on Fridays! It’s Friday, every ones gotta get down on Friday! I was going to cities, which I love due to their love of bacon. I figured life was good; I met this date on match.com which has to be MUCH better off than POF right?? NO. They are just social and emotional retards with money! Brutal I tell ya. Anyways this one smiles awkwardly in the parking lot (and I took that for endearing, I’m not looking to date a puppy but wtf maybe this little gaffer is just a little shy, better than a douche bag)  and we say hi and we go into cities grab a table …….. …….. …….. ……. And don’t say a thing. When I’m feeling nervous or awkward I talk. SO I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked like I was on some kind of illegal amphetamine, this was a bad situation. He answered everything in single syllables. He had a lego watch. He looked like Chuckie from Rugrats. His smile is still unknown to me.  I’m sure he did agree to date me, I remember him asking me and me agreeing but hot damn it looks like he was on a blind date that his mom set him up with. Pretty Brutal anyways after a mute dinner we ‘hugged it out’ in the parking lot never to speak to each other again.

Saturday – I went to my friend and got drunk properly. Deleted POF. And decided I would only date strangers I find in my bar because at least we will have that much in common.