There is this movie called Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, basically the long and short of it is that you have sex with Dane Cook (aka Chuck) and the next guy you meet you fall madly in love with. Well ladies and gentlemen I have a similar curse! Except with mine you become my drinking partner and you get pregnant. I swear I am not crazy, I have proof.
It started when I was 19 I had a friend named Aimee, we were inseparable. We hung out together, we worked together, and we partied together, dated guys who were best friends, needless to say we are one in the same. Even more so because we have the same birthday!
But Aimee was a little dumb when it came to birth control; let me be the first to say the pull out method does not work! So she was the first in our group of very close friends to get pregnant. At 19, which worked out well for her but I still recommend getting yourself some proper birth control so you don’t get a surprise one morning while sitting at work praying that the little stick you just peed on give you a no. We quickly lost touch with each other. If you have ever had friends get pregnant at a young age you understand. Suddenly we did not have a lot in common any more. I was still doing what I do best, drinking, and she was now learning all about motherhood and birthing, which at 19 did not interest me. Hell, at 23 it still doesn’t interest me. It terrifies me and I have to support this fear with actual facts about why birthing is terrifying, besides the obvious pushing out a watermelon argument, which people claim is a miracle. So there was the first one friend down and lost to the world of babies.
Than there was Sheena. We grew up playing soccer together and again, we close friends. Not so much for a while there because she tends to be on the self centered side Either way we started to become close friends again after I moved back to Shitville Alberta. Well not even one month back into our rekindled relationship and BAM! The news hits me like a ton of bricks and she is pregnant. Right before summer, which sucked for me because she is the one who I could call on a Friday night and she would come and drink with me, and Canada’s national sport is beersbee, not hockey, and our season is from May to September so I was down a teammate. So that’s was it best friend number 2 down for the count.
So I started noticing a pattern but never really thought I was cursed until Jenna. Oh Jenna. She had been with her boyfriend for 5 years and he had stayed with her through her on going battle with cancer and general sickness in the lady area. Jenna is the sweetest nicest girl and no one ever says any thing bad about her because she is just that nice. She looks like Marilynn Monroe and is girl next store sweet. Sadly after battling cancer the doctors gave her a 25 percent chance of ever conceiving, which is all she’s ever wanted. I tucked her away in the “we are never having kids, going to sit on a beach while a hot pool boy named Pablo brings us drinks.”
Then one Friday afternoon we had plans to go out for cocktails after a long hard week of shitty office jobs, she calls me and says she can’t come out for drinks. My response to that is man up, put your big girl panties on because my boss smelled especially bad this week and I needed a drink to forget the body odor so I could come back to work Monday. She says she can’t drink because she is PREGNANT! I am over the moon excited for this girl. But then it hits me, this girl has been having unprotected sex for years, because of her low chances of getting pregnant it wasn’t suppose to happen, now she is pregnant. So what changed you ask? Me. She was my drinking partner. Leading me to believe I am cursed. You become my drinking partner and than you become pregnant. Maybe it’s Gods way of saying “Justine you need to stop drinking, so I am going to take away your drinking partners.” Seriously, I wonder if this is how Mary’s best friend felt when she magically got pregnant. It wasn’t God, it was a cursed drinking partner.
So for all of you trying to conceive if you are looking to get pregnant come find me, be my drinking partner for a while and you will become pregnant. Also, most of my friends now have babies or are pregnant, or decided to move to the other side of Canada so I am looking for drinking partners. Please apply if you are in no shape or form a contributing member to society and can put up with my mood swings.
A side note after reading this I do realize that my friends aren't very smart about birth control and that may be a contributing factor but I still fully believe I am cursed.
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