I am done with on-line dating. Mostly
because after the events of this weekend it is apparent that I am not ready to
date and my emotional baggage is not being dealt with in a healthy way. Except
for Mathew Mchottie, because well, he has my flights booked to Toronto at the
end of the month. Continue to judge all you want. But I want to talk to you
about on-line dating, not my life choices. I am going to be brutally honest and
you can all call me a bitch later but deep down you know I am right.
This may get a little complicated but
try to stay with me.
In real life people are on scales. It’s
a hot/smart/funny scale, meaning you can be 10 out of 10 on the hot scale, but
if you are dumb as fuck, uninteresting and just plain boring and you are a 2
out of 10 on the smart scale, but lets say you are funny, you can tell some
mean one liners and are a 5 out of 10 on the funny scale, you are no longer a
10 out of 10 because you are hot. You take the average of the three and that’s
what you actually are.
Now when you are dating, you tend to
date within a couple points of your average. It’s a fact, you never see a
smart, sexy, hot guy with a girl who is ugly and dumb (although money can some
times play a role in affecting this scale). People generally have some kind of
self awareness as where they sit on this scale and so they tend to hit on,
date, flirt, and sleep with people on the same level as them.
The problem with on-line dating is that
this scale is thrown out the window and can create some huge problems.
This scale makes sense and it works and gives some kind of cushion for
being rejected. I would never walk up to Clooney and start flirting with him;
he is out of my range. I mean, I am pretty funny and I am pretty (okay, when I
put make up on) but I am not on his level of sexiness.
In the world of on-line dating, people
have this sense of bravery when they hide behind a computer screen. Hey, what
harm can it do, I’ll send a quick Hi and see what I get back. Because of this
false confidence dating sites make you put up pictures to give you some kind of
idea so you know not to reply and you can read the little write up to see if
they are complete idiots. Another rule I have is there is 420 in the user name,
I delete, I don’t even read because I already know what it will say. But I mean
these sites make it so you can get a general idea, you can’t get the full
picture but you get an idea, hence the long drawn out process of chatting back
and forth, maybe a phone call then the actual date, and the fact that you have
to sort through a million men to find one who isn’t a loser.
Also, as a general rule for pictures
guys tend to look better, girls tend to look worse or the same as pictures. Generally, girls never look better. We
understand camera angles that make us look hot.
On occasion you can get messages and
they don’t have pictures, I generally don’t reply because no pictures means either
a)
They have a girlfriend
b)
They are ugly
Either way I don’t want to reply to
either of those guys. Unless you count that guy with the girlfriend from Friday because I would let
him take me on a date just to spite his girlfriend who I hate.
But I made an acceptation to the rule when
I read this message and the guy was funny, a little witty, seemed generally
interesting, and okay.
So we talk for a couple days and I am
interested in this guy (in a you don’t seem to bad for being on a dating
website kind of way), it doesn’t help that in my head I am picturing this Ian Somerhalder,
Johnny Depp, tortured soul with this dark mysterious side. Seriously, doesn’t
that sound magical? In my head he is sexy, so I ask for a picture and pray for
the best. Please, please, please have eyes like Ian and the personality of
Johnny and the abs of Channing. Please say there wasn’t pictures because you
are just too damn sexy they made you take them down. Yes, people, I understand
the odds of this happening are .03% but I am a believer.
I
did not even know what to do. He was probably 350 pounds, glasses, greasy, man.
At this point you probably think I am a huge bitch, but seriously, let me refer
you back to the dating scale, I am a 6 or a 7, he was a 2. I put pictures on my
profile, good and bad pictures, so you know what you are getting, on my good
and my bad days. He could see what I looked liked. He knew what he was getting.
I got Chris Farley with out the funny personality, because I could have at
least friend zoned this guy if that was the case. The picture of my Ian,
Johnny, Channing mix suddenly turns into this man and all I can think of is fat
guy little jacket. Seriously, I almost sent that clip from Tommy Boy and left
it at that. But I didn’t; because I am not a heartless bitch.
So even though, I can be a bitch, I am
usually only a bitch when I need to be or you’ve pissed me off; this guy had
done neither, so I was trying to be nice. I simple said to him that I was casually
dating another guy and things where starting to get more serious and I wanted
to see where it would go.
That is the politest way I’ve ever let
some one down. I feel like that was super awesome of me. I could have told him
that he was too ugly for me to be seen in public with, but that would have been
mean.
This man went off the deep end crazy!
Saying that he didn’t care if I was dating some one else, I needed to continue
to talk to him because he enjoyed talking to me. Uhh, you are not Christian
Grey, you can not talk to me like that. I have never been good with being told
what to do. Maybe in bed but even then in the back of my mind, I am saying don’t
tell me what to do. So I still tried to be nice, saying that I was not
comfortable with that but I would contact him if things didn’t work. Again, I
am obviously giving you the brush off; I am trying to be nice. Take it and go.
He then flew off the fucking handle. He
told me that I was only saying this because of how he looked. At this point I
had never mentioned any thing about looks. I didn’t say any thing about the
pictures he sent. Not a damn fucking thing, so now I am a little angry. I tried
to be nice jackass now you are just being rude. So in the nicest way possible I
said, that he did seem different than most guys I’ve date, but I enjoyed
talking to him, and (again) I would let him know if things did not pan out with
my imaginary serious relationship. Seriously I should get an award at this
point for being so nice. Okay, maybe not, but it was pretty damn nice for me.
HE CAME BACK FOR MORE! How did this man
just not pick up his dignity and move on? He then asked what kind of guys I
usually date, I said guys I find hot. Maybe not the best answer, but that’s generally
how I pick my boyfriends. He then asked me how that worked out for me; are you
kidding me? Well, fuck you too, asshole. So I did what any sane person would
do. I said that for the most part it worked. Which is kind of true.; but let’s
be honest here, I have a man flying me across Canada, a man who has the body of
Matthew Mcconaughey, I am not going on a date with Chris Farley. I don’t even
care how that makes me sound…it’s true.
I
really thought that would be the end of this crazy man sadly it wasn’t. I didn’t
leave any openings for him to continue the conversation but that didn’t stop
him, nope this man is relentless. Obviously, I pissed him off, and he was going to shell out
his years of rejection on me.
He told me the only thing I have going
for me is nice hair. Umm, Mr. I am so fucking full of myself for no apparent
reason, what do you have going for you? And my hair is nice thank you; it is
also hella expensive, thanks for noticing jackass. Apparently I am also a self
centered, egotistical, materialistic bitch just to let you know. Crazy because
twenty minutes ago you wouldn’t let me nicely stop talking to you. Go figure.
So thus concludes my month of on-line
dating. I am going back to the real world of dating where you can judge people
in silence and use the hot/smart/funny scale. If you want my honest opinion,
this is what’s wrong with the world we date in. False confidence behind a
computer screen, fine for blogging, bad for dating; if you want to ask some one
on a date, grab some real life balls and approach her when you are half corked
like a normal person.
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