Well, today is the day of love. I am not in love, unless
you count my love for my bed…and Bob... because I love my bed and I love Bob
even more. Some people get bitter that they are single on Valentines day, I am
happy to be single on this glorious day. Mostly because last year I was set up
for disappointment when Kermit turned Valentines day into a week long guessing
game. He gave me hints and I was suppose to guess what he got me. I got a
Youtube link…ya. Imagine my disappointment. I was running all over town asking
my friends for help with the hints, we were guessing diamonds, flowers,
engagement rings, one girl even guessed a car. I got a fucking Youtube link.
Any ways, that’s not my point today, because I do have one. But don’t you feel
an overwhelming urge to send me flowers tomorrow to make up for last year? Ya?
I have the best readers
I think that Valentines day was created by men so that they
were guaranteed sex at least once a year from their wives, you know they
probably struck out on their anniversary, probably forgot about their wives
birthday and probably got to drunk on theirs. But Valentines day…aaahhh you
have radio announcements, T.V commercials, Facebook status reminders…you can’t
fuck this up…unless you are Kermit. He fucked it up. Sure you may have to buy her flowers and
dinner, but if you are a married man that is a small price to pay if you
haven’t had your wiener touched by any thing other than your hand in ten
months.
As women, in relationships, we understand that for the
gifts, we generally have to put out. The excuse, I have a head ache, I am to
tired, I don’t want to wake the kids, didn’t we just have sex 10 months ago and
so on and so forth doesn’t work on this day. And as such, it is our womanly job
to make sure that the jungle is tamed. Which involves either waxing, shaving or
my personal favorite sugaring. And if you are a women who doesn’t at least trim
the bushes go back to the 80’s, that’s the only time it was acceptable.
Ah the joys of being a women, hair removal is right up there
with child birth, but guys that is why you pay for our dinner and diamonds, we have
kids and wax are bins. Not seemingly fair if you ask me, but thus is life.
Now generally I am a shaver, why? Because you nosey
assholes, I am not getting laid enough lately that it matters if I am always
taken care of in that department. There was a point in time that I was. So that meant every couple of months I
had to make my way down to the little Asian girls and get sugared. For those of
you who don’t know sugaring is kind of like waxing, except it doesn’t hurt as
much, Asians do it instead of a lady named Elga and it’s more natural products.
This is the only time you will here my say that the more natural (almost
organic) way is better. You know my stance on organic shit near my lady parts
and if you don’t go back and read about it here. I just did you ladies
who still wax a favor, switch to sugaring.
Anyways, so this is story is about the first time I went to see my
little Asian.
I had lived in Edmonton for a couple months and Kermit and I
were going to Mexico, the last thing you want to do on vacation is shave your
bin, that cuts into your drinking time, so I went and saw her. She brings me
back into this little room passed all the ladies getting their nails done and I
strip down, once I am in the room, just to be clear. Now I have junk in my
truck especially if you compare me to this little Asian girl, but I really
don’t care because I don’t have any deformities down there and well…it’s her
job, she signed up for this, she wasn’t forced to remove hair from bins all
day. So I am sitting on the table and they play that relaxing music, you know,
because ripping hair around your asshole and sensitive lady parts is relaxing
so they need the music to add to the calming mood, so I am listening to the
soft babbling brooks and this lady strikes up a casual conversation. Do you
know how hard it is to carry on a casual conversation with some one while your
legs are spread on a table and she is molding the hot wax like products in her
hands and you know the pain that is about to be inflicted on you? Not exactly
my idea of a great time to discuss my life. Little Asian lady apparently thinks
this is a great time though, so I play along. The conversation starts with
where I work and how my day was and then she asks me if that was my boyfriend who
came in with me, I tell her in fact it was. Well, in broken English she says
“you do dis for your boyfriend”
I inform her no, I do this because I just am to damn lazy
to shave my bin on holidays and I’d rather be drinking than spend an extra ten
minutes in the shower making sure my bikini line is ok. Ladies, she then gave
me the best relationship advice I’ve ever received.
“your boyfriend love you more if you do this”
Well, here I was thinking that my boyfriend may want to love
me for my charming personality and big tits…Turns out though, he doesn’t love
me enough right now because I don’t wax my bin every month. My bad little Asian
lady, thank you for rubbing in the fact that he had yet to put a ring on it.
Now, at this point in my relationship I was
comfortable…ladies you know that means I had gained my relationship
weight, we all do it, I was squishier
than normal. Oh well so was Kermit. She pressed down on my stomach and got
ready to pull off more hair, and at this point I was in so much shock that she
had just said my boyfriend didn’t love me because I hadn’t been sugared in a
while, that I didn’t notice that we were
half way done, but she puts her hand on my stomach and pulls off some more
hair. Then she adds injury to insult! She stops what she is doing and looks at
me with a puzzled look on her face, all that you can hear is the babbling water
playing on the CD…
“you get flatter stomach, your boyfriend will like that too”
Ahhh…the key to love ladies…a flat stomach and a hairless
vagina. There you have it. That’s it, it
doesn’t matter if you are smart, funny, clever, what actually matters is a
hairless vagina and a flat stomach.
She goes back to what she is doing, with no talking and I
just sit there with my legs in different yoga type positions while she rips
away at my hair and dignity. She tells me to roll on my side and pull up my
cheek…we all know what cheek we I am talking about. I tell her it’s fine and
not to worry about it. I don’t know some thing about having my asshole up in
the air weird’s me out, I mean usually when guys ask that they’ve bought me
dinner or a drink first. This was apparently not an option,
“I do you favor…your boyfriend like”
My boyfriend is going no where near my asshole lady and if
he happens to receive a miracle we will both be way to drunk to notice if there
is a hair there. So I’ll pass. Thanks though. She insisted and told me to roll over again. She lifted my cheek and
started going to town with that wax. I am pretty sure I felt violated. I am
pretty sure I went further with my waxing lady than I have with any guy and I
didn’t even know what was happening. My boyfriend hadn’t even got that
far…maybe that is another reason why he didn’t love me. She didn’t point it out
so I don’t know for sure.
After that I got dressed and walked out there, a little
flustered, a little confused and a lot less hair. I paid and left her a tip,
because she had just given me a life time full of tips and got up close and
personal with my asshole.
My point is this year ladies, I don’t have to do this. Me
and my hairy bin are going to sit at home tomorrow and watch movies where the
girl doesn’t end up with the man of her dreams (is there any movies out there
like that, I am open to suggestions), and I will dance to single ladies and be
happy this year I don’t have to shave, wax, or sugar any part of my body to
please a man, because Bob doesn’t care if I haven’t shaved in the last two
weeks. So you all have fun at your over priced, over packed, resteraunts, and
count the ceiling tiles while you have sex with your husband in the missionary
position and try to figure out how many calories you are burning and think of
me at home, eating ice cream, watching youporn.
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