Day 60...not the end but the start of a new beginning

I’ve been the girl who not only suffers through an unhealthy and demoralizing relationship but then goes back to it in hopes that the time spend apart has inspired him to love me enough to change…or even try. And guess what? It didn’t.

I didn’t go back. I left and with the help of It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, Amy Poehler, Jenna and the rest of my friends, maybe a little wine time to time, and these blog posts, I didn’t go back. I was close, but I didn’t. And I came out the other side of this break up challenge

I was the girl so in love with a person incapable of giving me what I needed out of a relationship that not only did I marry him but I gladly gave away every last shred of my self-esteem to keep him.

I did, I gave up every thing to be with a man who was pushing me away, who no longer wanted me, but didn’t have the balls to let me go. I held on so tight, gave up my  dignity, respect and pride, I gave up myself so that I could be with him. That is not the person I am, but that’s who I was and I don’t ever want to go back to that place.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that-wasted time. Time that could be spent looking for a the person who’s destined to be your perfect match.

It was a waste of time, I realize that now after these 60 days, I wish that he would have just left or let me leave, that he wouldn’t have told me that I didn’t have to go when he wanted me to go. I wish that when he checked out he wouldn’t have left me in the lobby holding all of our bags wondering why he wasn’t helping me carry them and why he was pulling away while I was left standing there, alone. 

But I don’t want to spend my time looking for another person, I want to spend time working on me and if a guy comes along who can handle me, who can understand me than that’s fine with me.

If you’ve reached this point where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks were there. YOU ARE NOT THE KIND OF WOMEN WHO SETTLES FOR BROKEN OR HANGS ONTO DAMAGE GOODS

I can’t tell you the amount of times I repeated that over and over in my head. I was that person but I refuse to be that person any more. This was my favorite line in the whole book. You are worth more than broken or damaged. You don't deserve that.

Unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen.

I don’t believe in perfect matches. I believe in two people with a desire to make their relationship work, that no matter what obstacles come between them, they want to work on it together. Because they are stronger together than they ever would be apart.

At the end of the day, it’s about whether you like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn’t working, to recognize that it wasn’t giving you what you needed and deserved and to pull yourself out of the dumps and seize the opportunity before you. Because as messed up as everything seems right now, this could be the best thing to ever happen to you.

And it has been, in the last sixty days I have discovered a lot about myself and made choices for me more than I ever have before. I have always made choices based on what I thought other people would want, always. There are very few choices I made for myself in my young adult life that I made because I wanted to. That is starting to change, it’s hard, different and terrifying but exciting. I don't know for sure what the future holds for me but I know that for the first time it's my choice.

Life’s biggest reward comes from the biggest challenges

I know that this next year will prove to be more challenging than any before it, because of the fact that I am now making choices for me and allowing myself to put myself first is some thing completely new and different for me.

And finally…

Nothing was easy and sometimes she failed, and sometimes she thought the fairy tale stories where right, that there must indeed be easier ways of living happily ever after; but defeat is a poor ending to any tale, so she kept trying.

There came a point when every thing was broken, my dreams, my relationship, my self respect, my pride, my love. It was broken and there didn’t seem like a way to put it back together. There wasn’t a way to mend all the mistakes I had made, that I was STILL making. There came a point when I was ready to give up, let go of every thing and I only got help because Kermit said I needed it, a choice I made to make him happy, not me. For months I cried, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to see people, I wanted to sit at home. I was broken. But I’ve put myself back together, well, I am starting to put myself back together. And I am doing it for me. And I will make mistakes and I will fail but I will get back up, this time not for a guy, not for my friends, but for me.

So sixty days have come and gone, there have been a lot of challenges, a lot of tears, laughs and smiles and endless hours wondering what will happen next. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I know that it will be filled with mistakes, failure and success. I know that I can make it through any thing and come out on the other side stronger and better. I will have bad dates, failed relationships, and I will have weekends like last weekend where I don’t remember all the things I’ve learned and make mistakes, but they will make me into a better person.

So if you take any thing away from the last sixty days take away that you have a choice, a choice to stay in a relationship that isn’t working or a choice to realize your potential, to realize you deserve more than an unfulfilling, broken life. Not a relationship, because life is made up of relationships, and what I learned from It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken, are things that I will carry with me in all my choices not just relationships.

And in the end know that you will be okay, that you will make it out the other side a better person. That you don’t need a man or a women to be happy, that just because a relationship is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s right. Know that relationships are two complete people choosing to share their lives, not two halves to make a whole. So never settle for any thing less than butterflies, never change who you are, because there will be a person out there who runs with you, who doesn’t try to change you, and loves you for all your mistakes, who stands by you, and shows you the respect you deserve