Day 59...The Fury Of The Coupon Queen

So with my flights booked to go see Mathew Mchottie I had to come up with a way to tell my parents, who I currently reside with, that I am going to Toronto and he paid for it, because they know there is no way in hell my broke ass could afford to go to Toronto. Here is the thing, I may be 23 and you may be saying to yourself why does it matter what my mother thinks, it’s your choice, it’s your life, you can do what you want you are an adult. To you I say WRONG! You have obviously never felt the fury of the Coupon Queen and maybe if you have at one point in time you would understand.

One time, she threw a hamburger at my sister. Chucked it, right across the table. Bun, ketchup and mustard, I think there might even have been lettuce on that burger, and it came at my sisters at mach 5 speed, BAM! Right in my sisters face. I don’t remember what my sister did, but I learned a valuable lesson that day…Never piss off my mother when she has food in her hands.

There was also one time my dad came home pissed drunk, she got mad and then he got mad. I imagine there was an exchange of loving and caring  words and she picked up a glass vase and flowers and hurled it at his head. Jeffrey ducked (good for him, because when he gets drunk he only has use of one eye, so that’s just impressive), he came back with “You missed me bitch” but little did he know (at this point in their relationship at least) that Coupon Queen has a mean upper cut. I mean, she could be a UFC fighter. You may be laughing, but this not a laughing matter. And then, BAM! she knocked that man out cold, came in and punched that mother fucker right out. Guess she didn’t miss after all. So that’s what I am dealing with…maybe now you understand.

Any ways, I knew that there would be a hostile response from the Coupon Queen, maybe not so much Jeffrey because I don’t think he would even notice I was gone, but Coupon Queen was not going to be happy about me letting some guy pay for me to come see him. I have never been the type of daughter to say ah fuck my parents, I am a grown up I can do what I want. Never. Some people think what would Jesus do, I think what will coupon queen do if she finds out. That thought is really in the back of my mind at all times, with every decision I make, I think to myself will Coupon Queen kill me if I do this? I really could be a spontaneous person, I want to be and I am right up until I have to tell Coupon Queen. You should see how much I shit my pants when I told her I was going to Mexico for the first time. You would have thought I was telling her I was going to fulfill my life dream of becoming a stripper with the reaction I got.

Kermit used to get mad because often I would omit the truth from Coupon Queen, even if it was just stupid little things, like having to wait an extra day to pay my insurance because I was to broke to pay it till pay day, I would tell her it was paid. I don’t like lying to her, in fact, I hate it, but I just hate the backlash of her fury even more. I also hate hearing “oh for fuck sakes Justine.” When those words come out, I know I’ve fucked up. I hear those words a lot. I also know that she is constantly disappointed in me, that I am constantly letting her down in some way or another. I really am, I mean, I am 23, back at home, didn’t graduate from college, pissed away all my college years, moved to Edmonton with a guy she did not approve of, only to break up with him, and a string of bad office jobs and have really accomplished nothing in my life (unless you count my tap dancing skills).  I am not exacting the poster child for up standing life choices. I remember very few times my mom has been proud of me and I knew that spilling the beans about Mathew Mchottie would be one of those times where I hear “oh for fuck sakes Justine.”

So this morning as I was leaving for work she informed me that March 1, I needed to go on a over night camping trip with my niece for Brownies. Ya, see here’s the thing, my flight leaves at 12 o’clock that day, my flight that is booked and paid for and is non-refundable…ya that one…so unless I can send a blow up doll of myself to this camping trip with twenty, eight year olds, I don’t see me being there. I panicked. I had not had time to plan out how I was going to tell her. This is scary. I enter Justine panic mode where I just say the first thing that comes to my mind…bad choice.  The conversation went as followed…

CQ- “why? Does that not work for you?”

Me- “uuuuhh *looks around, fuck fuck fuck fuck, why am I not a better on the spot thinker* well I may be in Toronto”

CQ- “how? With pennies from heaven?”

Me- “ uuuhhhhh *fuck fuck fuck fuck come on brain give me something…ok really brain…nothing…FUUUCKKK* Derek is paying for me to go”

CQ- “OH FOR FUCK SAKES JUSTINE are you kidding me?!”

And there it was…disappointment. I didn’t stick around to hear any more. I ran out the door claiming I would be late for work. This will be interesting…to say the least.

But here is the thing, it is my choice to go. I have weighed the pros and cons, I have told myself every thing and gone back and forth, I know I really don’t know this man that well and the last time I saw him was in Mexico, and that was right before I started dating Kermit. So yes, I understand all the risks involved in that. It is like the ultimate blind date. I’ve pounder and put it off for a couple of months.  But here is the thing, I have never ever accepted gifts from guys, I have never dated guys who gave me extravagant gifts, when my girlfriends where going on romantic trips away, I was sitting at home with pizza and watching my boyfriend play video games, last year for Valentines day, I got a link to a youtube video for a song I liked at the time. Don’t laugh that actually happened. So fuck it. I am going, because I am single, I am young, and I was going to try to refrain from saying YOLO but fuck it, YOLO! I am going to go, I am going to have fun and you know what…if it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake I made and Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she said, your 20’s are for your mistakes.  It is a free trip, a trip where I get to see my two best friends, be in a city that I love and come home. So besides the obvious risks of him potentially being a serial killer and going all Ted Bundy on me, I say why not.