Day Eight: Goodbye dignity and self respect

I suck. I had to phone him to get information for this letter to the government and I knew that calling him would be easier because then I could just hang up. Ask my question hang up the phone and I wouldn’t be able to ask him all the questions I want answers too. Plus if I am being honest, I wanted to hear his voice, to hear if he missed me, for him to tell me he loves me and he is sorry. But he didn’t answer then he texted me. Then he called me PJ and the water works came out. That’s what he called me, it was never Justine, it was PJ. I miss that the most and he knows it. He has to know it; he has to know that it is my favorite memory, my favorite thing in the world. It reminds me of how happy we were, of every good memory we had together and how much I love him, and god do I love him.

After that the text message gates where open, I couldn’t hold back, THIS IS WHY I PHONED so I could ask my damn question and hang up this phone and still be left with hope that he will run to me and tell me he loves me. But he texted me and I asked the one thing I needed to know more then all my other questions…what do you want? His answer…he didn’t know and to be fair neither do I. I want him to know what he wants though, that’s what got us into this mess. I’d like him to know that he loves me beyond compare and he wants me and he will do every thing in his power to not hurt me again. But that wasn’t his answer and I have to be okay with the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants and for the first time since us breaking up any hope I had is gone. I don’t know is not an acceptable answer at this point. Either you love me and you want to work past this or you don’t. So this is the first time I know…he doesn’t want me, he still isn’t willing to fight, and maybe he loves me but not enough to know if this relationship can be fixed and that just isn’t enough.

He told me he missed me and you know what my first though was? You didn’t miss me until Dana stopped talking to you so do you miss me or do you miss having some one there and you are just lonely? I would go with the lonely aspect because he wouldn’t have let me get to the point of leaving if he truly wanted me. Part of me doesn’t even believe that they have stopped talking. If they were there isn’t a lot I could do…I mean besides turn into a crazy ex-girlfriend and slash tires.

I do know that there is a part of me that is so hurt (duh it’s all I talk about) but there is a bigger part of me that wants him. He’s all I’ve ever wanted since he came into my life and made fun of my hair when I met him two and a half years ago. But he doesn’t want me the same way. Knowing you love some one who doesn’t love you back is the hardest part. The feeling that you gave every thing, you have nothing left to give, not to your friends, to the next person, you have nothing left emotionally to offer, you are just drained, that feeling is horrible.

I am getting to the point in this break up remorse where I am blaming myself. Do I turn sweet, nice guys into assholes? It seems to be a trend in my dating life. Is it my fault because I am not overly affectionate and loving and when he stopped showing me that I missed it and demanded he act that way again, is that fair? Was a bitch? Was I too hard on him? Did I not appreciate the good in him enough? There are so many questions I have but I got the answer to the most important one. He doesn’t know and that just isn’t good enough. All the other questions I have don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if he had feelings for Dana, it doesn’t matter why he put me second, it doesn’t matter why he choice to lie, it doesn’t matter if he is ok or not. All that matters is that he still doesn’t want to fix it and I can’t be the only one who wants to fix it.

I disregarded my dignity and self respect and asked him the question I needed to know. I got an answer I didn’t want but I got an answer and it hurt like hell just like the book said it would, but I don’t think I made a mistake. So I’ll cry because all my hope is gone but I will pick myself up and move on because I am stronger then that or least I hope I am

Love your ex girlfriend who knew what she wanted and it was you