There is some thing about break up sex that makes sex even
better. I broke every rule last night. I was out with my friend Matt who is
also going through a break up and he said something to me that made my heart
melt, he said that there isn’t a future he pictured that didn’t involve his ex
girlfriend, he knows he didn’t treat her like she deserved and he wanted to fix
it, he wanted to love her. I thought about what he said, when I picture my
future there isn’t one where I can’t see him, so I went over to where we used
to live. I could tell he was nervous, maybe because he thought I was there to
slash his tires or put cereal in his bed again, but he was nervous and well one
thing lead to another and break up sex happened. I know the book would come and
hit me on the head because I am taking so many steps backwards but the thing is
I just want him. Part of me thinks some times you have to lay every thing on
the line so you don’t look back and say “if I only would…” I mean not always
because there are relationships that are better to walk away from but I couldn’t
walk away from him knowing that I love him as much as I do. So I left my dignity
and self respect at the bar and drove my ass to his house.
Seeing him made my heart melt. I felt happy, it might have just been the
hormones or amazing sex but lying in his arms after was the happiest I’ve felt
in so long. I didn’t think about him lying to me or if he loved me, I didn’t
think about any thing except for us lying together and how happy it made me and
how happy he looked and how he is what I want more then anything. But then
reality sunk in, it is now more complicated then before. He talked about how
much I love him and how he screwed every thing up, which he did, but there are
two people in a relationship and I made mistakes too, but his showed me so much
disrespect and pain and I gave him a chance to fix it and he didn’t care until
it was to late.
So now I am left wondering do I give him anther chance to
fix it? Has he learned from his mistakes? Is it stupid to think people have
changed? My therapist says I need to let go of the should of, could of, what
ifs and just let it be and it will work itself out and I will be okay. To my
therapist I said make my decisions for me because this is obviously to hard for
me and Taylor Swift has yet to right a song about this so I don’t know what to
do!
I seriously blame societies up bringing of girls. Women are
lead to believe they will find this great love, some thing tragic will happen,
the man will realize what he lost and come after the women and they will live
happily ever after. Seriously think about it, Beauty and the Beast (that crazy
beast locked away her father, pretty ruthless), The Notebook (blow out of a
fight, not talking for years, her showing up at his house before her own
wedding), A Walk to Remember (he was a douche who almost killed some one, she
changed him and he fell in love with her), Ten Things I Hate About You (the
only thing I remember about this movie is the line “I hate your stupid combat
boots” but I think it had some thing to do with love and a man fucking up), all
these stories in some form or another have a man breaking the heart of a women
and him doing some thing grand to get her back, to let her know he loves her
and that he is sorry. All these tragic events happen at different points in a love
story but they have the common theme that women all forgive and take back the
man. Name one story where the women fucks up and the man takes her back? It
doesn’t happen, not in real life and not in love stories. He usually finds some
women near the end who was helping him to get over the break up. And that my lady
friends is why women suck at break ups. We hold onto the idea that there will
be some grand gesture of love and we take them back to have our happily ever
after. Men take note that if you want a women back you need a huge plan to show
your love and how much you’ve changed or how sorry you are for what ever reason
she left your sorry ass. If you want her don’t sleep with another women, don’t
sit around getting drunk, or feeling sorry for yourself, plot a way to get her back.
She will probably fall for it, I did and
he didn’t even try that hard.
Last night I kind of got my grand gesture, I mean there wasn’t
flowers, or a ring, or a outpouring of love poems and he certainly didn’t build
my dream house like Noah did in the Notebook but this is real life and I should
probably lower my expectations. He cried though, I could tell he knew how badly
he fucked up, I could tell he missed me, I could see that he loves me in his
eyes, at least I think I could, that or I was so blinded for my want to see
those things that I made them up in my head and he just wanted the fuck and
then for me to leave. I mean, for him, who has been about as romantic as a
Homer Simpson for the last six months it was a big deal for him to make me feel
that loved, for him to be honest with his feelings. It meant a lot to me. He
means a lot to me.
I am giving him space, I am going to continue to work on
myself and we still aren’t together. I need him to know if he can be what I
need and what I need is some one who supports me, understands me, listens to
me, respects me and above all else loves me beyond compare. We are now stuck in
this limbo and I told him to call me when he figures out if he can be those
things…an hour an a half later he texted me about your fish… “Sir. Winston the
second died” so I am going to guess that means that’s another metaphor for our
relationship, or that he was dumb ass and forgot to feed his fish.
I am not holding my breath that I’ll get what I want in the
end, which is him and for us to both want to fix this relationship, not just me.
But I promised myself I wouldn’t sit around and wait for him. I will continue
to move on with my life and work on
myself and if he wants me he going to have to chance me down, prove his love
and put some god damn effort into this relationship and show me what he wants.
So that’s where I am at today. If you are taking break up advice from me, now
would be a good time to stop
Love your ex girlfriend who broke every rule in this dam
book last night
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