Day four:
Well I didn’t talk to him, that’s the good news, the bad I
think my subconscious is telling me my life is on a road to no where. I had a
dream last night that I was in the back seat of a car and there were three
people in the front seat and they where so high they couldn’t steer the car and
it was on a winding road with cars coming towards us. I kept screaming to focus
and steer away from the dooming cliffs and the cars speeding towards us and all
they could do is laugh, the bad part is
that I woke up before I knew if we made it to other side. So I am going to take
that as a metaphor for my life. A winding road, know one to steer the car but
me who is trapped in the backseat, cars racing towards me and me shouting directions
trying to get us there safely, the people in the front seat not listening to me
and most of all not knowing if I made it to the end safely. Or it was just a
dream and I shouldn’t look that too much into it.
I hung out with my sister last night and I came to the
decision that for the last two and half years I’ve lost myself; I lived for
some one else, based my decisions on how it would effect him and our
relationship and for the first time in a long time I don’t need to worry about
any one else other then me. I can base my decisions on what I want to do, what
I truly want to do and not worry about the consequences of how it will affect
my relationship. It’s a liberating feeling but at the same time terrifying
because before the boyfriend I was in another relationship that I based
my decisions on him. Basing my decisions on how it would affect my
relationships is all I’ve known for the last six years. Six years with a short
6 months in between relationships where I based my decisions on how it would
help me to forget the last boyfriend. This time around I am going to focus on
myself, how to make myself a better person, not for my next relationship but
for myself. I am not going to cloud my judgment by drinking to forget the good
memories we had (that makes me sound like I have a drinking problem), I am not
going to focus on men to help ease the pain of being rejected and put second, I
am going to do things for myself because I want to do it and I want to be in
the drivers seat, steering the vehicle safely to the other side.
Love your ex girl who is steering her own life vehicle
p.s
That’s some profound shit
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