It feels like I've been away from him for days but I can
remember the look in his eyes when he was happy like he is right in front of
me. That’s what I miss the most. That look in his eyes that would tell me he
loved me and he was happy. A look I hadn't seen in long time. Augh. So cliché and
so very pathetic.
I find it’s the hardest when I am alone. When I have time to
deal with every thing I am feeling, to think about him and contemplate what
went wrong and when it started to go wrong. Those hours that come late at night
when I don’t have some thing to take my mind off of him, I dread those hours
like that little hobbit did as he marched towards Mordor; yes, with that much
impending doom. I am doing good with keeping myself busy but it’s just masking
the feelings that I have to deal with when I am alone. Although, I am never
really “alone” because I live at home, with my father and my mother and my 15
year old brother, so being alone is a lucrative term.
But a small part of me knows that those are the hours I have
to become okay with, I know that those are the hours that are going to make me
a stronger person. I need to become okay with being alone again and doing
things by myself because the one thing I do know for certain is that I am embracing
this break up and taking time to reach my goals and do things for myself and I
am not jumping into a relationship, so Santa better bring me a vibrator and a
joint because I am embracing being alone.
Last night I made lists, because not only did the book It’s
Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken suggest it, I happen to love making lists.
That’s right I am a list person.
This is the first time I embraced what I missed about him, I
let myself remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. I took some time and
reflected on our relationship, I remember every good memory we had together and
every bad, from the first night in our first place together to the night I
found out he lied to me about Dana and how painful that was. So here is my
first list
Best Qualities
His sense of humor
His ability to talk through problems
His compassion
Desire to keep learning
His passion for things that interested him
Loyalty to family
His ability to push me to try knew things
His ability to make me want to be a better person
He helped out around the house a lot
Worst
His work ethic
His listening skills
His temper
Lack of spontaneity
Lack or ownership when he makes mistakes
His immaturity
How he wasn't supportive/always was about him/didn't compromise
His uncertainty about our future
He wasn't sensitive to my feelings
He is deceitful and dishonest
Then I made a list of things I will miss and things I wont
miss. This was harder because this is where the reflecting on our relationship
really happened.
Things I’ll miss
His touch
His kiss
His company
Lazy Sundays
Playing around
Having some one to talk to
Having some one who understands
His stories
His eyes and smile
Small romantic gifts
Joking around with him
His family
Feeling safe
The poems and love letters
How he made me appreciate the small things in life and not
rush through it
Things I won’t
miss
His lying
Not feeling good enough
Worrying
His temper
Average sex
Putting me second to his relationship with other girls
Lack of trust in our relationship
When we went some where I would always be waiting for him to
get ready because he would leave it till the last moment. So annoying
Always worried what people thought/think
How he would cut me down
So that’s what I came up with, so far any ways. There was a
lot of good. Our relationship was good for a long time, until it wasn't. I am
coming to terms with that.
Tomorrow it will officially be one week without talking to
him. I am sincerely thankful that I am stubborn and when I set goals I achieve
them.
Love your ex girlfriend who appreciates every thing you did
but knows every thing you've become
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