I think I'm onto something here

I ran into an old friend last week when I was leaving some friends apartment, it’s one of those situation where we’ve said a million times that we should get together then it just never happens, not because you don’t like the person but because you have very different, very busy lives and you just don’t make seeing that person a priority in your life anymore.  When I was leaving the elevator she was walking in, so we decided to go upstairs and have a drink together and catch up.

She used to be one of my best friends, I’ve talked about the girls I was close with before, these girls where my life, through boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, drunk nights, parents divorcing, pregnancy, everything, they were more my sisters than friends. Sadly things change and after a fight with one girl things just weren’t repairable and I lost a group of girlfriends that meant the world to me. But just because our friendship didn’t last doesn’t mean I don’t wish them the best. I think that people assume that just because a relationship, of any kind, fails it means that you can’t still hope the best for someone and look back and remember all the memories you created with affection. A lot of the time after a failed relationships you look back and only have negative feelings for the person, after all it’s easier to look back and have negative feelings than positive ones that leave you missing that relationship. If you let yourself miss the memories you created often you don’t know the difference between missing the person and missing the memories, there is a difference, a very narrow difference but a difference none the less.

While we were sitting and talking the inevitable question came up, “don’t you miss hanging out with us, we miss you.” It was the first time since letting go of all the negative feelings towards them I’d ask myself that question; did I miss hanging out with them? No...I didn’t, I miss the memories we created, but those were events, not the actual people. Missing the actual person though, no, I am happy with where I am now. I feel extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life now, and I really do, the friendships I have now are different, not better or worse, just different. Do I still want happiness for the girls that helped make me the person I am today, absolutely, but do I want to try to fix what is broken, no, I don’t need to fix what is broken when I have amazing relationships that are not broken. It’s a harsh reality, how could I not want to try and salvage the relationships that once meant so much to me? Because at the end of the day, I have relationships now that aren’t broken, that are constructive and positive and that is where I want to focus my energy.

I thought about my feelings towards Kermit, they are kind of the same, there was a time when I was mad, hurt, angry, and felt defeated by the deterioration of our relationship, I felt like once they were gone, I had nothing. Maybe it’s not healthy to let people have so much of you, but that’s how I love, I will give you all of me, everything, without boundaries, so if the relationship fails I’m left with the feelings of defeat, like I’ve failed because I couldn’t salvage the relationship. Somewhere after my break up Kermit I learned how to deal with those feelings more positively, I learned to let go and realize that because you couldn’t salvage the broken relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you are left with nothing. Sometimes relationships will fail, it’s inevitable, but just because the relationship failed it doesn’t discount the memories you created with them, so cherish those memories, look back and smile and remember the people you created them with because those were the people who helped make you who you are today. And if you can look back on those memories with fondness instead of longing, I think it means you’ve let go...fully let go. So I’ll always be thankful for those girls, I will always cherish the time we spent together, the road trips, the adventures, the bad choices that lead to the best nights, the tears we shed over the boys we don’t remember, the late night talks, the nights spent dancing till the sun came up, every inside joke, I will remember the times we laughed till we cried, and everything in between, because some of my best years were spent with them...but things change and sometimes you just have to let go and smile.