I have this asshole of an ex boyfriend who I dated for three
years, we were both young and dumb and the break up was not a friendly one. I
saw him out at the bar shortly after the break up and decided to tackle him for
talking to another girl. That was my crazy moment in the break up. I know it
was crazy but dam did it feel good. After that we “hung out” a few more times,
which really means casual sex that ended in my crying after. But these hang out
sessions happened pretty frequently, including one weekend he took me on a
romantic trip away. I really thought that we were working our way to getting back
together after that weekend and I was in sheer bliss when I went back to school
until Monday. Until my friend Sheena texted me that she noticed on Facebook he
changed his relationship status to in a relationship, with a girl I worked
with. This floozy of a woman also happened to be dating his best friend of like
10 years; yes she cheated on this amazing boyfriend, who was extremely good
looking, going to the top university in Canada and has the world in the palm of
his hands. She traded that for my loser of a boyfriend who worked in a
restaurant, didn’t have any plans for a future and smoked weed most nights of
the week, why she thought that was a good trade is beyond me. But he was still
mine, or was working his way back to being mine and I was devastated to say the
least. I remember sitting in the back of that class trying so hard not to cry,
remember the events of the weekend and how I could miss some thing as huge as
him having feelings for another women. I replayed the events of the weekend for
the whole fifty minute class, ran out of that class room and cried and ate a
bucket of ice cream. I eventually put down the ice cream, bucked up because my
momma didn’t raise no fool, and she defiantly didn’t raise a women who would
wallow in self pity over a douche bag of a guy. I realized that my life
was probably going to be better without him and moved on. But not before I text
him and told him what a complete asshole he was, because my momma also didn’t
raise no push over. That didn’t go over well and he said some of the meanest
things to me a person could say. But that was three years ago and I thank God
all the time that she ended up with him and I didn’t go back to him. But
I still have this girl on Facebook, because I am an emotional cutter and that
is what an emotional cutter would do. I occasionally creep her Facebook because
curiosity gets the best of me and I need to know how their relationship is and
that mine is better. I am a competitive, emotional cutter.
Regardless, I really hate this girl and think she is the
scum of the earth, and although she has the same facial features as a drag
queen, I don’t feel like that is adequate punishment for being the scum of the
earth and I want them both to suffer, in a non Albert Hitchock way and in more
of a John Tucker Must Die way.
So that brings me to my Friday afternoon work day. I jump on
my phone to check good old Facebook and there it is a shinning glimmer of
hilarity. Her facebook status is “if any one has seen or heard from Scott
please let me know!”
Now I say a glimmer of hilarity because at this point it can
go one of two ways, he is seriously injured in a ditch some where or he is
pulling the same shit with her he did with me at the end of our relationship.
Now I need to know and am in complete panic, so I am checking Facebook every
ten minutes I swear. Could the last three years of waiting for her to be
publicly embarrassed the same way they embarrassed me finally be here! Then
there it was! HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAY LET THE HEAVENS OPEN UP AND SING THE SWEET
SONG OF ANGLES! This was better than if Taylor Swift and Miranda Lambert
collaborated and made the ultimate break up song. Her Facebook relationship
status change was there saying “single” followed by some tragic Facebook status
basically stating that he left her and she is heartbroken. Ha! GOOD! Now she
just has to go have revenge sex, contract Chlamydia, give it to him and all in
life will be fair.
A normal ex girlfriend would chuckle to herself, hope she
gets fat and move on with her day and I contemplated that option but I am a
competitive, emotional cutter and I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to
rub it in her face. So I did what a normal person wouldn’t do and I liked that
Facebook relationship change, felt an overwhelming sense of power. It took
three years but it felt like I won the relationship revenge game of life. And
that my friends is why I am not a good person.
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