Elephants are fornicating at my gym

So I've been dragging my ass to the gym on and off for the last six months, some times I go, some times I eat chocolate instead. I really like the gym I go to because generally there is a low douche to normal ratio.  Recently I have developed some annoying stuff at my gym that needs to be cleared up.

The first thing is the women/girls who wear a face full of makeup like the just got attacked by Crayola crayons and their hair is done. Not like in a pony tail done; it is done done. What the hell is wrong with you? You should be going there to get all sweaty and smelly and you walk around like you are going to audition for 90210.

 Another thing, put some clothes on, cover your tits and ass, I don’t care how skinny you are know one looks good in a sports spa and shorts smaller then my underwear while running on a treadmill. All you are accomplishing is saying to the world “look at me I am an attention whore and a floozy!” But to each there own and when you land your Ed Hardy wearing, steroid popping douche of a boyfriend I will be happy two people equally as douchey found love.

The second thing that really gets me is the grunting. Now I work out with my father who grunts and I’ve learned to live with it and I realize men do this to show/vocalize how strong they are, but there is one guy in particular who does it from the time he picks up the weight till the five minutes after he puts it down. Now this isn’t normal grunting. This man sounds like an elephant fornicating, I shit you not, and it is horrible! It is like AAUUGHHHRRRRHHHGGGYYYYYYYYYYY then when he puts down his weights (which is me being nice because he doesn’t put them down he throws them to show his manliness) he gasp for air like he had just been suffocated by a really bad fart. I CAN’T HANDLE IT! At first I laughed then I just ignored it now I am so amazingly annoyed by this guy I can’t even handle it. I tell you one bad day mixed in with PMS and I am going to hurt this guy.

Being the pervert that my mother raised me to be my mind starts to really wander. I was working out the other day, trying to hold my fart in while doing squats (the only reason you should be allowed to grunt at the gym) and he was on the machine next to me grunting away and I thought to myself 

“Jesus Christ, if this man makes this much noise lifting weights what the hell does he sound like when he's cumming?!” 

Then I got this horrible image of him screwing some one and grunting and thought to myself

 “he must only be able to have sex with deaf girls because any women who heard those sounds coming from a men would dry up faster than Ellen Degeneres’s pussy around a group of big black men.”

 And now you can thank me for putting the idea of him fornicating and the sounds he makes and the image of Ellen’s vagina. You are welcome.

Anyways, those are my complaints, I still need to go because I am on a quest to fit skinny jeans without looking like an ice cream cone but it doesn’t mean I wont make fun of the gym people secretly in my head.