Sweat baby sweat

Sunday morning I woke up to a text reminding me that I had a date later in the afternoon. A hiking date, which in theory sounds cute, awe, we will hike out down to the river and it will be all so cute and romantic. In my head this is excellent, something picture perfect and out of a movie and we know how much I love anything that reminds me of a romantic movie scene. Also I thought this would be a good way to get over Melvin, who recently entered and exited my life for the millionth time in 6 months, I’ve seriously developed an eye twitch from the stress that man causes me.

So I wake up kind of pumped for my hiking date, until I realize I do not have a hiking outfit and the more concerning fact, I have never really gone hiking.  Once when I was 12, but uh, I was a hefty 12 year old and it was probably a traumatic experience because it involved moving so I never really did it again. Also after a conversation with Dana, she informs me that fake eye lashes are not accepted when you go on a hiking date and I probably shouldn’t waste my time curling my hair. I am in panic mode; usually I like to ease guys into the process of seeing “natural” Justine. I like to charm them with my amazing personality so when I go from Beyonce to Susan Boyle it’s not as big of deal, because they are swooned with my sense of humor and loveliness.

So I go on this date, without hair extensions or falsies and it is at this time that I decided that I am more of a mini golf, dinner and drinks kind of date. Why you ask? Because let me tell you the main difference between movies and real life. Sweat. That’s it. You don’t get romantic moments when the two of you are so sweaty from the sun beating down on you and you are crawling over shrubs like it’s the Hunger Games.  There isn’t a sexy way to unpeel your shirt from your back, there isn’t a romantic way to look into each other eyes when you have beads of sweat dripping into them off your forehead, and I sure as hell don’t want you to touch me because the bugs are touching me enough and I’d probably catch you in the chin with one of my arms flailing that’s trying to hit the bug that just bit me on the arm.

But we finally made it down to the river; I take one step into the water, and BAM! Legs go over my head, arms reaching to grab something, anything, but there is nothing for me to stable myself and I ever so gracefully biff it into the water, right on my ass. Yep. I am the most graceful create to walk the earth. He is busy laughing at me so I stand up take one more step and fall again. I give up. Dating is not my forte. Needless to say, I doubt there will be a second date.

Thank you for reminding me why I am single

You know one of the perks to being single? I get to listen to all you people in relationships, bitch about your relationships. You know another perk to being single? I get to hear all my single friends tell me how they bang not so single people. You know another perk to being single? I get to sit here and judge all you people in your relationships. I get to grab my popcorn and listen to the horrible divorce stories, cheating stories, my girlfriend did this stories, my boyfriend said that stories and why yes, they are sad, I get to pass a small amount of judgement, because you are judging my relationship with Netflix's and cheese.

Those don’t sound like perks really, but trust me they are, for the simple reason, I don’t have a person to complain about, to consume my life, to plan my life around, I have me, and the stories I hear make me scream out “praise Jesus” and stay single forever. I can tell you that at least once a week I have a friend who is going through some kind of relationship turmoil, some kind of nervous breakdown, crying mess, chocolate eating catastrophe in their relationship. I know that relationships have their ups and their downs, and there will be problems and sometimes people need to vent,  I've been there, but as I sit there and listen to their problems like a good friend I can’t help but think...really? Is this what I am missing out on?  

I watch as their girlfriends post pictures of how in love they are, while he asks me if there will be single, hot girls at the party. My friend spent her Saturday night at a party in a screaming match with her boyfriend, I spent my Saturday night watching Netflix’s and eating cheese. You tell me who had the better Saturday night. Rhetorical question, I did. Sure I went to bed alone and woke up alone, but I didn’t go to bed with puffy eyes from crying. See, I’d be fully open to a new relationship if I didn’t have to spend so much time hearing about how horrible yours is. You know what happens when the guy I’ve gone on three dates with pisses me off? I get to say see you later and it’s easy because I’m not invested.

I had a friend say to me, I know you hate on-line dating, but you should try it again, they’re lots of guys on there who are nice, with good jobs. First off she is wrong, I was on a dating site and between the slew of “hey baby” and “youz sexy” messages, I found very few men on there who seemed normal, not that I am the poster child for normal but I am way more normal than sexyman420. But I had to plan my response carefully, because when you are the only single girl in your group of friends people tend to feel sorry for you, like you must be lonely, or depressed because your Saturdays are spent at home in sweats with your dogs. So I chose my words carefully when I responded...”there is not a burning hope in hell that I am getting back onto a dating website unless it’s for sheer entertainment, which to be honest has crossed my mind a couple of times.

Yes, sometimes being single is lonely, yes, sometimes I just want someone to ask how my day was without the hidden agenda of wanting me to come over to watch a movie later (if you know what I mean), but you know what, for right now, I get to enjoy focusing on me, spending time on me and not obsessing over a mellow dramatic ass munch, or a self righteous prick who couldn’t appreciate what he had. I get to do me and listen to your stories.

Why your 30's are not your new 20's

Somewhere in the great sands of time a monumental switch was made, a switch that affects you and me, basically every young adult. A switch was made in society, at least North American society that proclaimed to 20 some things everywhere that we have time! Time to travel, time to be picky, time to party, time to make mistake, and once 30 hits you will have made your mistakes and the pieces of your life with magically fall into place. I have a girlfriend who’s whole mantra is based on that idea, we are young and don’t want to wake up at 30 full of regret that we never did all the things we wanted too.

But society can’t fool me, I know your secret.  I don’t have endless time to gallivant and make mistakes, I turn 24 on Friday and have very….very….very little to show for it. Multiple failed relationships, an almost education, a dog, a room in my parents basement, that is what I have at 24. So society, excuse me while I drop kick you in the throat for telling me that I have time and that the pieces will magically fall into place. You might be sitting there saying “no Justine, you do have time! You are 24 years old, you are young!” To you I say, you are part of my problem and stop it. I know I am young, I know I have “time” but where you are wrong is that my 20’s are going to shape the rest of my life. I even have proof.

I watch this video from Ted Talks the other night, I told you I am painfully single and have a lot of time on my hands, so, so painfully single; the video was titled Why 30 is not the new 20, ya, if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you get the fuck (ya, that word is necessary) out of this blog because that is downright terrifying. Meg Jay is a psychologist, who specializes in 20 some things, anxiety filled, panicking 20 some things, just like me!  I am slightly comforted in the fact that this lady was able to make a whole career out of people like me, I don’t know if that is really a comforting statement, but I’m taking what I can get at this point in my life.  

After I watched the video I had a full on, lie on the bed, curled up in a ball, while breathing into a paper bag, crying panic attack; she confirmed every single fear I have...that yes, your 20’s are influential times in not only your career and relationships but basically your whole life, and pardon me while I paraphrase,  your 20’s shape your whole fucking life; if my life turns out like my 20’s thus far it will be a horrible blend of bad relationships where I “fix” his problems and suppress mine, bad office jobs and happy hour specials at dive bars, not exactly what I have pictured for my future. You know what good has come out of my 20’s? I’ve harnessed my ability to get ready for work in less than 10 minutes that is my greatest accomplishment thus far…not that that isn’t some serious talent. But my constant fear of messing up my future is warranted.

 I vividly remember Carrie Bradshaw telling me that “my 20’s are to have fun, your 30’s are to learn your lessons, and your 40’s are to pay for the drinks.” Carrie Bradshaw is never wrong, she fixed the unfixable man, worked for Vogue, sold books all over the world and basically did it all while rocking 5 inch stiletto’s and designer bags; never mind the fact that she is a fictional character, what have you done Meg? Can’t I follow Carrie’s advice, it makes me feel better about my questionable life choices to this point, I am having fun, I am making mistakes, I am doing things that society tells me it’s okay to do, because I have time! You Meg, add fuel to my anxiety filled fire while Carrie gives justification to my questionable life choices.

See my solution to this fear is just do nothing and wait for it suddenly all click, right, that’s what happens in movies, something happens and the pessimistic, lost, main character has an epiphany and bam, she finds love, gets promoted, basically just lives happily ever after, so that’s what I’ve been waiting  for, my epiphany. So I’ve been procrastinating, restrain my fears and doing nothing. That is apparently the wrong thing to do, at least according to Meg. By doing nothing I am not investing in myself, I am not “in control” of my future, basically unless I work to change it, it won’t change. Which to you may seem like a trivial idea, but I went to months of therapy for that, but even after Amy Poheler I never really knew what the next step was so I just never took a step. I don’t feel like I am alone in that either, I mean, obviously I am not if this lady can make a whole career out of it.

I was discussing this with Abby the other night and she told me about her random subway run in with a lady, the lady told her, “I am 35 years old, I have a beautiful daughter, a divorce and I am renting an apartment because my ex husband left me with very little, but what he can’t take away from me, what no one can take away from me is my education.” What a tragic yet liberating statement. Tragic in the sense that at 35 your whole life can be taken away, liberating in that she spent her 20’s working for something that no one can take away from her…and that is the pride that she accomplished something on her own, by herself and it can never be seized from her. 

So where does the problem lie? For me, I blame the myth that society gives us that we have time and that pieces will magically fall into place. That we can waste our twenties and find a career in our 30’s, find a relationship, find ourselves, in our 30’s.

 I turn 24 in two days and not one thing has fallen into place for me, if anything the constant suppressing of my future to aid others has set me back. My lack of boundaries when it comes to self sacrifice for others has only hindered me. If we look at my past relationship history there is one common factor, I will fall hopelessly and madly fall in love with you, if there is a way I can fix you.

Obviously, for 20 something women relationships seem to consume a lot of our thoughts, will I find love, why doesn’t he love me, why isn’t he the man I want him to be, why am I alone, the questions of relationships and love seem to be a main theme for women in their 20’s, in and out of relationships.  Maybe because our biological clock is ticking away, maybe because we have more a primitive desire to find a mate and well...reproduce...for whatever reason, women tend to obsess over the need to find a mate more than most males. Males seem to find this need somewhere in the 30’s. So when she brought up dating, we all really shouldn’t be shocked, it’s a huge part of our 20’s. Meg, that magically lady, compares dating in your 20’s to musical chairs, you are having fun, dancing around to the music all through your 20’s then the one day the music stops, all your friends start getting married, having kids, settling down, and you are left standing, so you grab the closest chair, is doesn’t matter if it’s the right chair, you just grab it, because you don’t want to be left standing alone. I looked around at all the relationships around me and I judged, yep...I did. Sorry friends, but it’s safe to say I think the majority of you just grab a freaking chair, you spend more time complaining about these relationships than enjoying them, and really...while your 20’s seem to be flying by does that really merit hanging onto something that is not right for you, something that you spend more time complaining about than enjoying.

When  I left Kermit I heard a lot how proud people where of me, how strong I was, when people said  this I wanted to slap them across the face, you are proud of me for leaving a bad relationship? That left me spending more time unhappy than happy? That’s not something to be proud of that is something that should be common. Why do we have the constant need to settle? The fear of being alone out weights the fear of being with someone who treats you like you are disposable I guess.  I don’t understand peoples need to stay with cheating partners, physical and emotional, I don’t understand peoples need to return to broken relationships just to have the same problems constantly reoccur. You have options, yes, it hurts to break up, go back and read the sixty days I spent crying, in a therapy, and a fucking emotional mess, but I am living without him even when I thought I wouldn’t, I am doing okay, and I left someone who didn’t treat me how I deserve to be treated.

I am not saying that you should leave the relationship after the first time he pisses you off; I am obviously talking about leaving relationships that warrant it.  But it’s the same situation as the career, if you don’t take the first step to the future you want you are left stuck. And I’ll be damned if I am left stuck with a person who has stopped making me happy.

There is more to just leaving the broken relationship, it’s the aftermath that I know I personally struggle with, that I see most people struggle with, it’s the ability to let history repeat itself. Allowing yourself to make the same mistakes and not learn, that is where the settling for the last chair really sets in; with your career or relationship.

I think there needs to be a shift in societal views that time is disposable, especially in your 20’s and you have your 30’s to discover and learn from all the mistakes you’ve made.  Mistakes will be made in your 20’s but it’s the process of learning from them to ensure you have a future that you are taking control of, be it with your career, your relationship, or just life in general. Your 30’s are not your new 20’s, your 20’s dictate a great portion of your future, and it’s a terrifying and liberating feeling to accept that. I don’t know about you but waking up in 30’s and realizing I’m still in the same place I was in my 20’s is the most terrifying idea, that I haven’t grown, that I still feel stuck, that I am inevitably at a bad office job that gives me zero satisfaction. That’s my deep thought for today, on that note, it’s my birthday tomorrow and I am gonna get all wastey pants and celebrate how far I haven’t come in the last 4 years of my 20’s and hope that the lessons I’ve learned from the last year will help me towards a future I want.

Nagging bitches and lazy men

I’ve been horrible lately about posting in here, I used to read peoples blogs and hate when they would say that; I think uhhh I have so much to say I could always write something! Ya, no, it’s not that I’ve been busy, it’s not that I’ve been taken a hold of in a world wind of romance, no, I’ve just been boring and Coupon Queen has fully lost her mind, but I am under strict instruction that I cannot write about that, at least until the whole situation has defused and she isn’t bonkers anymore. You may be waiting a while for that story.

I don’t have boys to complain about, because I’ve stopped obsessing over Melvin, he comes around every now and then; I just don’t care if he comes or goes, wish I could have had this attitude months ago instead of obsessing over every move.

But what I really want to tell you about how in less than 5 hours I will be making my way out to Gibbons, to go to BOONSTOCK! I’ve gone to music festivals before but the difference this time is that I’ve always gone with a group of girls, girls that plan matching outfits, meals, drinks, everything down to what underwear we will be wearing. This year…I am going with Mike and another guy friend…the difference between men and women is unparalleled. I started asking a month ago if we could get things planned out, they told me not to worry, that we would plan it closer to the date. Of course days past, weeks went by, and no one gave a shit that I was in full fledge panic mode because we hadn’t so much as planned what we were going to sleep in, let alone outfits. Let me tell you that up until Monday, my plan was to find a boy, kick him out of his tent, and sleep there, because that was the best idea I could come up with and no one else knew what was going on either!

 

 While over at Melvin’s last week I stated that I was stressed because out of the two other people I was going with, one was at EDC in Vegas and the other was away working, so we hadn’t planned anything. He said, what do you need to plan? Get food and booze and the rest will be fine. That seems to be the general attitude of men, meh it will work itself out, it will be fine, and we’ll figure it out as we go.  As a list lover, female and a planner, I can tell you I do not share that attitude. I need plans and back up plans, and these men had zero sympathy for my needs. Of course, typical male.

Women are by nature I think, naggers, because of our constant need to mother and take of things and people and ensure things turn out perfectly, men let us nag and panic, and they ignore us when we get into that mode, because they’re attitude is, meh it will work out. Think about weddings, women take on average a year to plan one day, in general most men would take a month to plan a wedding, tops, they would call their buddy up, say "hey man, I'm getting married, come get drunk and see me get married! I got the beer, you bring the steaks!" And they wouldn't worry about RSVP's, dresses, alteration, center pieces, nope none of it. Women will spend a year panicking over every detail, nagging to the grooms men about getting their tuxes and men will continue to put it off until they are ready. Women will yell and scream and not understand how he says he is busy so he can't go get his tux but really he is just going fishing and why isn't he worried that we wont have it done in time! Because men are not planners, they don't really think about the time and effort and the deadlines, that's what they have us for. We nag and push and they do it in their own time, and things will be what they will be.

 

 Trust me ladies, I tried with Boonstock to be easy going, to just let it play out, I cannot. Do you know how many fucking lists I’ve made in the last week trying to make up for the fact that the last month I have not made one list pertaining to Boonstock, 11, 11 fucking lists and I still don’t feel like I have enough outfits, or enough of this or I think I forgot that, and I’m still worried that I won’t have any where to plug my curling iron in…but it will work out and hopefully I make it back alive! Pray to Allah for my liver.

 

 

So my point? There probably isn't any use in nagging, in panicking, because it will be what it will be, but maybe men can take a lesson from us too? That maybe a plan before the last minute would help ease the stress just a little.

 

 

I'm failing at this whole contributing member to society thing...yet again

In less than a month I will 24 years old, which is only two years away from my scary age of 26, 26 absolutely terrifies me, I don’t know why but on my 26^th birthday you will find me curled up in the fetal position with wine, crying, I can almost guarantee it. So when you are almost 24 and you spend your Friday night, in bed, living in your parents basement, listening to Bon Iver instead of getting up and going on a date you start to really think to yourself “what am I doing with my life.” When you spend your Saturday night at a nightclub where the average age of every one in attendance is 17, girls scream “OH MY GAAWWDD I LOVE THIS SONG!” and “DO YOU LIKE TOTALLY THINK I’LL NEED ID,, you think “wow...this is what I am doing with my life, fuck.” Then when you spend your Sunday night at Melvin’s house drinking beer and hanging out you think “well...can’t get much worse can it?” And that is my weekend. In a nut shell...and then I reached a new low this morning when my gas light came on and I put ten dollars worth of gas in my tank and I paid with Loonies. Not even strippers who get paid in loonies have so little dignity that they pay in Loonies. But I feel zero shame, because you know where my money went? Boonstock tickets and a bridesmaid dress for Jenna’s wedding. Totally worth it. So when you see me pushing my car home because I have ran out of Loonies and can no longer fill my gas tank this week, know that it is totally worth it.

Grab some balls

We know that I do not claim to be a dating expert, at all, let us just take a look at my past six months of dating history, Mchottie, Aussie, Awkward man, and the last three months of Melvin...ya dating is not my forte. But in attempts to completely remove myself from Melvin, I am giving a new guy a chance. Should I get over him by being alone? Probably, but that’s not working because I have zero will power, so this is my plan b. I met him a couple weeks ago at a party and he seems nice enough, he went through a lot of effort to get my phone number, well he asked a mutual friend, but he still tried, he’s cute, so I’m going to give him a shot.

Things were going well, he sent me a text asking what my plans where for the weekend, I had none, I am poor, so I said that I didn't have any as of yet and what about himself? He had to help his brother yada yada yada, he was free Friday night and asked if I would like to do something. I said yes - that is where I pray that he isn't a big pansy and I see the little ... on the screen indicating he is typing. *Please don't say what would you like to do* and then he says it, "great, what would you like to do..." Fuck off.

 While I am not a dating expert I can tell you my biggest pet peeve with males, well not all males, as I am sure there are still men out there that take charge, but I am seeing a common theme when dating men, they are more than happy to say “what do you want to do.”

Don’t, that is not my job yet, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to come up with some kind of plan, take me somewhere, do something, anything really, pick me up and take our dogs for a walk, pick me up and take me to mini golf, pick me up and do something, but just show some initiative!!! But bless their stupid little heart, if I hear one more guy say, “what would you like to do” I am going to give him what my real answer is...I’d like you to bring me over a bottle of wine, leave it at my front door, leave and leave me alone to drink said wine by myself, and if you happened to bring a double cheese burger with bacon with said wine, I’d be a happy girl. So unless you are okay with that plan, come up with one. It comes with having a penis, you blow me away on the first date, I might just blow you. I’m kidding, I don’t do that on a first date. But really, if there is anything you do when it comes to dating, come up with a plan, show some initiative, girls like that shit.  

Break up lines your friends will tell you and what you really want to say

We’ve all been through a break up, end to a fling, or just an end to imaginary relationship, don’t lie, those imaginary relationships hurt just as much as real ones when they come to an end! No matter what the circumstance, the length of the relationship, or boy who broke your heart, the one thing that remains consistent throughout the breakups is the cliché words of encouragement from your friends. They will try to cheer you up in hopes that you’ll put down the wine bottle, yes bottle, and the tub of chocolate ice cream, and put a smile on your face, usually this is done to no prevail, bless their hearts for trying!

 

When we are two Nicholas Sparks movies into a breakup these are the lines that your friends will tell you and this is really what you want to say to them.

 

You deserve better – clearly, I know this, look at me, I haven’t washed my hair in three days! WHO WOULDN”T WANT THIS! But if I deserve better why is this douche bag leaving me? NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE! ALONE FOREVER! WHERE IS MY WINE BOTTLE!

 

It’s okay he doesn’t understand what he lost- ya that must be it, he lost someone who is drowning their sorrows in a tub of ice cream, a bottle of wine and crying…I MISS HIM!

 

Don’t worry there are so many guys out there – have you personally counted all the eligible men? Because I have, there is a not that many out there, there is five and I’ve already dated three of them and I think the other two shit their pants on a regular basis. Like literally.

 

It’s okay just be strong – don’t tell me to be strong while you sit over there in your happy relationship, I don’t want to be strong or mature I want him to contract herpes or come running back to me, preferably before he contracts herpes

 

Just give it time – Ya, time is what I need. Time to finish another bottle of wine, how about you make yourself useful and go get me another bottle.

 

If you need anything or just need to talk let me know – anything you say? If you could kindly go shit on his wind shield I’d appreciate that…no you won’t? That’s what I thought. Don’t put the offer out there then

 

You are young, the right one will come along – well..I aint getting any younger ass munch, have you seen my Facebook news feed, bitches be getting knocked up and engaged like Noah built another ark and you have to pair up and repopulate the world. Oh god…that means I am the dinosaur…I am going to become extinct because I can’t find a partner! FOREVER ALONE! WINE? WINE? WHERE ARE YOU!

 

He was an asshole anyway – excuse me…but he is my asshole. Kind of. He left me, but in my mind he’s still mine…remember that one time he said I was pretty, I always loved it when he called me pretty!

 

Its okay his penis was small anyways – ya…that does make me feel a little better. Maybe just keep saying that

 

Maybe you shouldn’t have another glass of wine – don’t judge me, I am trying to get drunk over here and forget my broken heart